I've worked myself into a right tiz! What is wrong with me? *Warning* Morbid!

[Rayoflight]

Oh ladies! I don't know what is wrong with me today.

It started this morning when I got sent a link to a blog raising awareness of meningitis. I was happily reading through it and didn't realise the baby in question who had meningitis sadly passed away. He was the same age as Blake now. I was at the dentists when i read it and managed to hold it together until I got in the car and just sobbed the whole way home.

I thought about it all day and have been trying to book myself onto an infant first aid course.

I then joined the sister site and saw a sig with a pic of a baby that looked like Blake when he was first born. I didn't realise it was a 'in memory' sig and when I realised I just lost it again. Had to go upstairs away from Shaun and cried for an hour.

This was about 6 hours ago now and since then I've been on every SIDS/Menigitis/childhood diseases website I can find and I've had to come downstairs for fear of my sobs waking Shaun and him thinking I've gone insane.

I've taken Blake out his cot and got him on my knee and I'm just stroking his face and struggling to see what I'm writing for the tears. I've just bought a baby breathing monitor (£75! He's going to kill me, we can't afford it but I'll live off soil and water i don't care). I dare not sleep, I just want him close to me.

What the bloody hell is wrong with me? I've never beeb like this. My sister went through something similar and I laughed at her.

Is it hormones? Anyone else gone crazy like me? Do I need admitting to the nearest nuthouse?!

 

[frankie707]

Oh poor you, you're not mental just a mummy! Try not to focus on the negative things so much that it stops you enjoying Blake. I bought a movement monitor and it's made me feel so much better-hopefully it will do the same for you.

 

[Rayoflight]

This really isnt like me. I don't do being negative. He's still asleep on me. I know I need to move him back into his cot but i feel so anxious! I'm going to be exhausted in the morning.

 

[frankie707]

I know someone who slept on the floor of their baby's room the first few nights- sounds a bit silly but at least you would get some rest!

 

[Rayoflight]

I think that's what I'm going to do. OH is going to have me sectioned tomorrow - guaranteed!

 

[frankie707]

As long as it makes you feel better and you get some rest then that's the main thing.

 

[ZMD]

Hope you feel better today Hun! i had 2 days like this last week i was suddenly extremely scared that something dreadfull was going to go wrong i ended up buying an angelcare monitor and slept on her floor for 2 nights! x

 

[Emmamb]

It's natural hun and I'm sorry to say it gets worse the more kids u have (well it has 4 me anyway) I have a monitor with sensor mat for night time but if kieron sleeps more than an hour in the day I'm checkin on him,dh thinks I'm mad cos Il b sat watchin the tv and suddenly il shoot up and watch the crib to make sure kieron's still breathing. Xx

 

[ShadowWolf]

I was really paranoid because Lilly sleeps on her tummy and I was convinced that something dreadful would happen to her, especially as we wanted to move her into her own room, so I too went and splurged on an Angelcare monitor that I can't afford, best thing ever! I can now sleep easy knowing that the alarm works perfectly (at least it does when I forget to turn it off when I feed her, LOL) and I can sit and watch the hand held thingy if I feel nervous.

Another example of nervous mummy-ness, we took her out into town when she was 3 days old and my OH was carrying her in the sling as I was still sore from the birth and I was stopping him to check her breathing every few steps and I was so stressed that I burst into tears at a cash point because I couldn't remember which pocket I put my bank card into! XD Right in the middle of a busy shopping centre!

Completely normal I think hun.

xxx

 

[MrsR]

Before I had children I was not afraid of anything! Used to love getting in a car or a back of a motorbike etc. Now even silly stuff like that scares me! I hate being in a car, on a bus and I wouldn't get on the back of a bike now. I cry when I see nspcc adverts, save the children adverts etc cry when I see children suffering from anything. Heights terrify me. It's all completely natural! It's a mummys instincts to protect and that's why you'll be a wreck. All of these things are things you wouldn't be able to stop (SIDS etc) and that's why you're so terrified! Massive massive hugs x x

 

[flexilexi394]

aww gem its ok! you just got to remember its not that often it happens. if it makes you feel better then stay with him! you only get to enjoy them the way we do now for a short time, before you know it they will be grown up and walking around, so take advantage of all the cuddles with him being small. i do xx

 

[xxbeckyxx]

Know exactly what you mean! I get that I need to know symptoms of meningitis etc, but I just know that if I read too much information on it I'll start 'seeing' the symptoms even when Lizzie is perfectly fine! It's just another one of those 'mummy' things.

Helen, I'm the same as well when it comes to my own 'bravery' (or stupidity)...I'm so aware now though that if anything happened to me then Lizzie would suffer for it. I got back on my pony for the first time Sunday and I was so worried I'd fall off and break something then wouldn't be able to look after Lizzie properly!

 

[twinkle84]

Aww no Hun you poor thing, what a state you're in so firstly (((big hugs))) I felt like this when Aiden was first born, maybe it was the way I'd had him but I just felt like he been ripped from me and I was anxious that I couldnt protect him the way I had inside me! it was awful! I think we all feel over protective and worry at times more than others! But I do think first aid course be good idea, might make you feel big better and was thinking I should do one myself!! Try not to worry hun, I know that sounds stupid and easier said than done and I know this sounds awful but all your worrying won't make a difference to blakes health! Xx

 

[isobel84]

i get this night time. i lay there staring at him thinkin how can i moan i have to be up with him so much night time, if i lost him i would do anything for them sleepless nightd again!!

on saturday we stoped outside the house, unload all the shopping took about 5 min then demba was going back to the shop for something, in that time it had been a massive accident on the top of the street where we had just passed and 3 cars crashed and a man layed on the street. It really shook me what if we left the shop 5 min later!!

 

[Rayoflight]

Ladies thanks for the replies I'm glad it's not just me!

It gets worse though...! I've just had two old lady Jehovas Witnesses at the door and the first thing they asked me was "do you lie awake at night worrying that bad things are happening?". Well that was it! I lost it again! They ended up coming in, giving me tissues, reading from the bloody bible and telling me something about God's predictions of war and earthquakes (?!). FFS. Im laughing about it now, it's a farce! I don't do religion. Ended up having a mini rant about why I can't understand why Jehovas Witnesses refuse blood transfusions which shocked them a bit but they were very nice and tried their best to calm me down. I have been possessed this last 24 hours. This is NOT me!

God if anyone knew (Shaun especially) today's events and the state of me they'd call the men in White coats.

I think I night a night out with the girls on the piss.

 

[mablestarr]

Oh hun sounds like you've had a somewhat eventfull morning!!

You're not on your own though, the last two nights I've been crying and being over-emotional about little things, I just sit and look at Tomos crying thinking how lucky we have been to have him, but always seem to end up thinking about all the things that could have gone wrong and can still go wrong. And on sunday night I watched this programme about midwives in Liberia so that set me off.

First aid course is a good idea though as you never know when it might come useful, I know of some people who have been able to get them for free but not sure through which organisation they did it.

Big hugs , and maybe don't answer the door this afternoon!!!

xxx

 

[twinkle84]

That's the spirit Gemma!! Maybe you should tell Shaun might make you feel better! Although duno about jo vos haha Barry would have killed me too! I had to laugh ... Sorry!! Chin up, nothing is going to happen to your little man so enjoy him and if it did ( but it won't) no amount of worrying would change it! I'm off out fri can't wait hehe xx

 

[FebMum2Be]

Gemma you're so not alone Odhran had a crib with soft sides and I slept with my chin cupped over the end until he was about 3 weeks old, I still jump in the night just to check, and like others if he has slept long and hasn't fidgeted I put my hand on his chest, I remember one night when he was young and I was waiting for his chest to rise and fall, but it didn't (looking back, I probably didn't give it long enough) but I yanked him out in a panic and the poor baby didn't know what was going on, I didn't sleep well for about a week after, I think its just our natural instincts, we carried, gave birth to and look after our babies, so god forbid anything did happen we would blame ourselves, which is why we do anything we can to prevent anything happening! you really are not alone.. I had to laugh at the Jehovah witnesses though bet they weren't expecting that! I get what you mean about hiding it from Shaun, men just don't 'get it' I don't think they have such a strong sense of protection as we do.. We're not crazy, we're just mummys x

 

[Rayoflight]

Thanks for all the comments girls! Feels good to know I'm not alone. I confessed all to Shaun but lied and said they didn't come in the house - they did but they were little old ladies I doubt they'll be back for the plasma!

When I confessed he laughed at me at first and called me a giant penis until he realised an hour later of constant sobs I wasn't joking and was a bit of a mess. He gave me a big hug, got me a cookie (yey! Nom nom) and admitted that he thought I was a brilliant mum and wife, which was nice. Helped calm me down too.

Today, two days later I finally feel like I've composed myself and am ok and 'me' again.

The breathing monitor has just arrived so going to set that up which will make me feel better I think (and sleep better!). I'm not doing another night on the hard nursery floor!

Love you guys! Xxx

 

[Esoames]

Awwwww Gemma poor you!! My husband laughed when I bought our monitor last year but it's such a relief to see the little green light flashing so I know she's still breathing. It also means I don't check her very often.

I've slept on the floor as well, but that was trying to get her to sleep.

I think feeling like this is normal and will always be with us. Xx