I've given up....:(

[HopesDreams]

As the title might suggest, I've given up breast feeding. On one hand I'm upset about it, I feel like a failure & like I've let O down but on the other hand I feel a sense of relief. I'm calm again, still full of questions mind you, but calm!
Myself & O had a horrendous night on Wednesday. The midwife had come out for a visit & I asked her to witness a feed again. I explained that it was excrutiating when O latched on & while everyone kept telling me to power through it & that it would get better, it felt like it was only getting worse. She said that I was quite full & that my nipples were enlarged but that really O still shouldn't have a problem latching. We worked on the rugby hold position & when she left I was feeling a wee bit more positive.
At midnight on Wednesday night I put O on for a feed. I was very full (no amount of expressing it off seemed to help). O was getting frustrated at the breast & I was getting really upset. This continued until 4am when O either got enough to do him, or he give up & went to sleep. He woke at 7am yesterday morning & again the crying started & the battle to latch began. I had an emotional breakdown, lifted one of the emergency cartons of Aptamil formula & gave him 3oz of that. My God, what a different boy he was! He guzzled it into him & then slept like a baby for 3 hours. I hadn't seen that contented side of O for a day or 2. During that time I had a chat with Jaxx01 from on here, I was such a mess, but thanks to her I realised that its more important that myself & O are happy, especially at such a special point in both of our lives. There's no point in battling with breast feeding if O isn't getting what he needs (& I strongly believe he wasn't) & if mammy is miserable & upset, fighting back tears at each feed. That's not how this period of our lives is supposed to be.
At that point I decided to express what breast milk I could & top it up with formula. Yesterday I managed to get 9oz. I'm not done expressing today but I reckon that it will be something similar. I've got to the point where I don't want to exclusively express breast milk but I do want to continue giving him breast milk if/when I can. Its the least I can do after completely failing at the breast feeding.
Even today I see a massive change in him. He's eating & sleeping like a normal baby instead of grizzling in between. He's finally content & I'm so much calmer & happier because of it.

 

[EmiLou123]

Sorry to hear it hasn't worked out for you, I feel your pain and can totally empathise with you. It can be a battle but at the end of the day you need to be happy and if your LO is still getting breast milk that's still the best! At least you gave it a go - a bloody good go from what i can tell. It doesn't work out for everyone and now i think you will be able to enjoy your baby more xxx

 

[HopesDreams]

I really think so Emi. Before my heart used to sink when he'd wake for a feed because I knew he'd get so annoyed before finally getting latched, if he was lucky. He was awake at 2am for a feed this morning & it was so nice to give him a bottle & smile & talk to him, rather than thinking about how much it was hurting.

 

[EmiLou123]

i was the same, used to dread him waking up because i didn't know how long the feed would take and he would start screaming the house down... Aww that is lovely that you can concentrate on baby rather than being in pain, nothing like looking into each others eyes. I'm glad you're happy and never regret your decision xxx

 

[Nicnax]

It's obviously not a decision you have taken lightly, and whatever breastmilk you can give or have given, has given little one a great start. Don't beat yourself up, you absolutely tried your best.

 

[Belfast girl]

You might not feel it now, but I can fast forward 20 months down the line and can say stopping was the best decision for us. I felt awful for giving up but I know now my reasons were absolutely valid. It's so hard. The one thing I regretted was giving up expressing too quickly. 9oz sounds like a lot to me! So well done!!

 

[Sassyjane]

Hun, I couldn't get CJ to latch and I expressed for 7 1/2 weeks, but I've just put him onto formula, I felt so bad as i was adamant he would have breast milk, but he is a different baby (despite the acid reflux and constipation) and I feel so much better in myself about it all, you have give him the best start in life, and that's all that matters!!!
If you need a chat just give me a shout, but remember, be proud of yourself for bf as long as you could, and enjoy your little man xxx


Tired Mummy to Colby Jacques born 4/2/2013

 

[sallybee]

Don't beat yourself up hun I did exactly the same and am still expressing 4 months later. Big hugs xx