I'm just going to say what we are really not supposed to...

Discussion in 'Baby & Toddler' started by tinkerbates, Jun 20, 2013.

  1. tinkerbates

    tinkerbates Well-Known Member

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    I hate being a mum. I love Joseph more than anything and I love cuddling him and seeing him develop but generally motherhood is not what I thought it would be.

    I thought being a mum was what I was put here for and everyone spent my entire pregnancy telling me I'd be a natural, which I assumed I would too. But I'm not, in fact I think I'm a rubbish Mum. It seems like Joseph is a really miserable baby, he's either asleep, feeding or screaming. He eats and eats and eats, he is only 4 weeks old and has had 18oz since 8am! I spend my days in pajamas not washed or showered and I don't eat any more and barely drink because due to his apetite I am pretty much chained to the arm chair where I just sit all day feeding him and holding him whilst he sleeps because if I try to put hin down to sleep, he screams again.

    There is no chance to play with him because he is too busy crying for food or a nap so if I try to play it just ends in tears. This in itself worries me that his development will be stunted cos he's having no stimulation.

    My house is squalid, I don't mean untidy, I mean dirty. I just don't have chance to do anything. My OH has been awful, he doesn't really bother with LO unless I force him to and doesn't take any of the pressure off me but then is always quick to belittle me and make out he knows best and I'm a terrible mum.

    I don't enjoy being virtually housebound, covered in sick and looking like crap. I find myself wincing when he starts stirring from his sleep. People keep saying 'ooh I wish mine were that little again' and I feel like screaming 'ARE YOU SERIOUS THIS IS HORRENDOUS!' I feel like I can't wait for him to grow up and I am desperate to go back to work. I feel like I've lost all sense of self and all my self confidence.

    I tried to talk to my mum and she said I should be ashamed of myself and my OH just wantsvto use it as an excuse to leave work and be a SAH dad. Well that's not happening for numerous reasons, mainly because that's not what I want, I want to be Josephs main carer and I want to be here for him, I just want to feel happier about doing it.

    I've got nobody else to talk to about this and I feel so guilty for feeling this way.
     
  2. Hope81

    Hope81 Well-Known Member

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    I could have written that exactly back then. It does her better T around 3-4 m old when they actually wake up and they are happy and playing.
    Everything got 1000000 times easier for us at 4 m old.
    I then started enjoyed being a mum a little and after 6 m they develop so fast, every day they so a new party trick :)
    You will feel human and yourself again I promise but probably no until the 3-4 m mark.
    I wished all of her newborn days away ha ha. I hated it and got really upset with myself that I did.
    After all se ate, slept, pooped and screamed and absolutely nth else.
    Well it does get much better, it's a joy to look after them later on.
    As about your oh. My oh was exactly the same. Once the baby started interacting with us and playing everything changes.
    Deep breaths and for a little while more you do what you have to do to get through the day.
    It will get better
     
  3. KarenC

    KarenC Well-Known Member

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    Huge hugs. Try not to feel bad about it, hun. I felt exactly the same, and most of the time I still find it difficult, tedious and unrewarding. I have the most lovely, charming 1 year old now and hardly a day goes by that I don't lament ever becoming a mother because whilst I love Tilly to bits, I am simply NOT CUT OUT to be a mother. It doesn't come naturally to me, I resent it all the time and it makes me feel guilty and worried too. But I just get on with it and look forward to the future when she can talk and play by herself etc.

    If it carries on or gets worse, you might need to think about talking to your GP or HV about it, though.
    Chin up. Hope it gets better for you. It does get better than the 'screaming, sleeping, eating' phase, I promise. xxx
     
  4. Zazu

    Zazu Well-Known Member

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    Every mum needs to learn how to be a mum, you cant immediately know what to do. It gets much easier! When I had my first son, I didn't enjoy the first 6 weeks they were just bloody hard work! I know everyone says it but it does get easier and when LO starts to develop a routine you will get a bit more time to get things done.

    I think your mum should be supporting you not criticising you, and you should sit down and speak to your OH too. Could you also speak to your HV for som reassurance? Xxx
     
  5. Karate Kid

    Karate Kid Well-Known Member

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    Big hug hun. The early days are bloody tough and I could have written your post myself!

    Firstly if there is one pice of advice i could give you it would be screw the house work! it will get done when it gets done. I am borderline OCD when it comes to cleaning but its just not possible when you have a newborn so dependant on you. I still battle through housework and only get it done when C sleeps.

    I had zero confidence in my capabilities until around the 6month mark. There are so many issues like colic, reflux, poo when they are so tiny they just want to be held all the time. All that coupled with sleep depravation and recovering from labour is a recipe for a meltdown. I now have courage in my convictions I know I am a good mum because C is happy but it has taken me so long to get to this point and many tears have been shed.

    Can you talk to your partner about helping out more at home even if it is not with LO? I can remember bombarding my DH's phone with texts and calls begging to come home, C would stop crying instantly in daddy's arms and I would be thoroughly envious and feel 100% useless.

    xx


     
  6. AmyQ

    AmyQ Well-Known Member

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    It's tough going at first and everyone feels something very similar. Hopefully you will get your first smile very soon (if not already) and that makes everything a million times better xx
     
  7. Karate Kid

    Karate Kid Well-Known Member

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    Oh also the whole 'instantaneous love' didn't really hit me.... Don't get me wrong I was in awe and wonder but C and I have definitely had to build our own little relationship and learn a lot about each other. I have fallen in love with my boy. I still struggle with longing for my old 'free' life but I figure as long as I work on it there will be a day where C will entertain himself and I won't have to watch him like a hawk. I shouldn't complain really because he is easy going its just my perfectionistic nature!! Xx


     
  8. CARNAT22

    CARNAT22 Well-Known Member

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    Oh sweetie, I am sending you the biggest virtual hug (((((((((hug))))))))

    I must confess I found the first 6 weeks a living nightmare.

    James was never a crier he just used to scream and scream and scream. I would be able to do all the basics (change, feed, cuddle etc) but I never felt like I was comforting him?? I used to pass him to OH who would get him quiet within minutes :shock:

    I hated the chaos, the fact it took hours to get out of the door, the endless bum and clothe changes, the fact I never had time to prepare healthy food so we lived on crap.

    I hated the lack of sleep, the lack of "me" time and I hated how something so small had turned my perfectly organised life upside down.

    Don't get me wrong I have always adored James and never had any trouble bonding with him BUT I had terrible trouble adapting to Motherhood in general. I knew it was going to be a whirlwind but until we were there I had no idea how difficult it would be.

    I promise it does get better. James seemed to settle by 6 weeks and the screaming stopped. I grew to "know" him much better and could pre-empt him or soothe him confidently if he did get upset. He also got to know me better and I could actually feel the difference in him. He seemed very traumatised by being born bless him and it took a while for him to adapt to his new outside life but once he did I could see the difference in him...

    I've never looked back to be honest! There was a blip at 6 months when we started weaning (our perfect routine went tits up and it all felt a bit like swimming against the tide again) but all in all I have a very happy, content, sunny little boy. I am very lucky and plan to enjoy every moment I have with him.

    Hang in there hun, it gets better!

    xxxxxxxxx
     
    #8 CARNAT22, Jun 20, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2013
  9. babybee

    babybee Well-Known Member

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    Omg the first 6 weeks are horrendous!! I agree with what all the other ladies have said, it does get better I promise.

    Massive massive hugs lovey!
    Xxx
     
  10. knopk@

    [email protected] Well-Known Member

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    First 6 weeks are awful. I dont like newborn stage. However it gets better.
    Your OH needs to help more though. Oh and get a sling so you can carry him and have hands free

    Tapatalking so cant see signatures
     
  11. Chezza

    Chezza Well-Known Member

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    I know exactly where you are coming from!! JJ still has the odd difficult day (today being one of them in fact!) - where he eats and cries...no naps or anything else in between. Luckily these days have gone from occurring 4 - 5 times a week to once a week...he is nearly 8 weeks old and there is a clear change in his behaviour. It does get easier, I promise! x

    As hard as it can be sometimes to get up this early because of night feeds, my alarm goes off every morning at 06.30am, so I can get a hot shower in before DH goes off to work...could you do the same so you have at least a good start to the day?

    I make my lunch the previous evening, for ease...

    Have you got a sling? It gives you both arms back whilst still keeping him all tucked up and happy - I can highly recommend this one: http://www.mothercare.com/The-BabaSling-Classic-5-Position-Baby-Sling---Charcoal-Grey/566912,default,pd.html#q=baba%20sling - although there are plenty to choose from in a variety of stores.

    When your other half gets home in the evening, that's your cue to hand little one over for the evening feeds and nappy changes. Bath him together, but get your other half to give him his last bottle and settle him.

    Lastly, take 1 night a week to pop round to a friends house - even if its just for a cuppa and its only for an hour or two.

    Hope all of the above, or at least some if it helps xxx
     
  12. Leah04x

    Leah04x Well-Known Member

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    Echoing what the other ladies have said! The first six weeks were the toughest for me too. I didn't feel like I was cut out to be a mum to Ethan at all, and to be honest, even now I don't feel I'm a 'natural'. I just learnt to know and understand him over time, before then, I was just muddling through it all.
    When Ethan really become alert and learning new things constantly, I felt like my hard work was paying off.
    He's 9 months old now, and I absolutely adore him - he's a complete mummy's boy.

    Hang in there lovely xxxx
     
  13. littlemonkey

    littlemonkey Well-Known Member

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    I don't think I can add much more than what everyone else has written. I hope this makes you realise there's nothing wrong with what you're feeling and things will improve.

    For me motherhood has been a complete shell shock and I didn't really turn a corner until about the 11 week mark, when I took myself off to the doctors. I am on anti-depressents which have helped, but my little man is sleeping longer and settled into a bit of a routine with his sleep and feeds too which has made life easier. I get myself up at 6am so I can get ready before he's up. But I've also had to accept a lot of my old life has gone. I now leave the house without make up and the housework only gets done at weekends. I don't like it but have got to the point where I've let go of it. I tell myself my son loves mummy regardless of what she looks like and whether there's a crumb on the carpet.

    Do you have any friends or family nearby who could come and help with the housework or little one to give you a break at all? I take advantage of any visitors and dump LO with them while I do jobs!
     
  14. Les1504

    Les1504 Well-Known Member

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    Hi Hun I also felt like this for the first few weeks. I wanted to give my baby back and felt like u had made a huge mistake! My OH was disgusted and told me I should be grateful for having a beautiful baby when so many couples struggle :-( I agree with the other girls, sod the housework and relax as much as you can. I also found it much easier once I was getting out and about. You are definitely not alone and don't feel bad for the way you are feeling, it is a massive shock to the system! X
     
  15. tinkerbates

    tinkerbates Well-Known Member

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    Thank you so much ladies, I'm so glad it's not just me, I felt like I was so alone in feeling this wayand like a massive failure.

    I can see him changing and becoming more alert every day so hopefully it won't be too long until things start falling into place.

    I have felt a bit disheartened this week I think because I was preparing to introduce some kind of routine then suddenly his feeding and sleeping has gone all over the place so I'm not sure that will be possible just yet. Xx
     
  16. knopk@

    [email protected] Well-Known Member

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    I didnt bother with the routine until past 3 months,.then i followed his lead

    Tapatalking so cant see signatures
     
  17. Chezza

    Chezza Well-Known Member

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    We have only been able to get JJ into a proper bedtime routine in the last 2 weeks...don't worry about it too much though - it will come!

    Is there a rough time that he falls asleep in the evening? About an hour before that, give him a nice bath with a teeny bit of bedtime bubbles (soothing smells), then get your OH to give him his bottle....then get him down for the night...xxx
     
  18. wifeywifey

    wifeywifey Well-Known Member

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    I've got to agree with the girls it does get easier. I seriously considered walking out and leaving when my son was tiny but now I love it, I love being a mum and wouldn't change it.
     
  19. littlemonkey

    littlemonkey Well-Known Member

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    Don't worry about a routine now! Everyone told me this and I didn't listen, causing myself so much stress and worry over nothing. It is only recently my son has fallen into his routine. And whatever you do, don't bother with any books or what experts tell you to do, take your lead from your baby. My son has fallen into his own routine of when he wants fed and wants to sleep and I've just worked with this to fit in what I want to do around him, so I go for a walk when he likes to nap in the morning etc. I still hold him for naps sometimes and just veg out watching a film! I spent a long time willing these early months away and I realised he won't want to sleep on me much longer, so I'm just enjoying it while I can.
     
  20. BevG

    BevG Well-Known Member

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    at 4, 8 and 12 weeks they tend to have growth spurts where all they do is eat and cry for food, its actually really common for ppl to hate the newborn stage, im not looking forward to that bit, for me anything after 12 weeks is generallywhen its starts getting enjoyable
     

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