I shouldn't be here.

[PerfectStorm]

It's taken me 8 days to post in this board, often starting posts and then deleting them, as I guess, in the nicest possible way, I don't want to be part of your group. I want to be posting in the other categories like I was 10 days ago.

I went for a scan last Wednesday after having a little bleeding and was told that there was no baby or yolk in the gestational sac - the sac also had the appearance of irregular 6 weeks instead of the 7.5 weeks I should be, and it seems the baby has gone. I have to go back for a further scan next Wednesday, in case dates were wrong, but it is just a formality as I have continued to bleed on and off and have cramps, don't have any pregnancy symptoms and know without a doubt that my dates weren't wrong as I kept everything noted in a diary and got my bfp only 8 days post ovulation.

I have asked the hospital to scan me again sooner, have been asking since the last one, but they are refusing to do so, despite agreeing that it is obvious I have lost the baby, because of 'protocol.' Now that I have started to have red blood, rather than brown, they fully expect me to physically miscarry over the next few days, but still will not scan me. I feel I am being forced into dealing with this naturally, rather than a ERPC, when that may not be what I want. I just want to talk to hospital and be given the options so I can make an informed decision. It may be that natural is the way I choose to deal with it, but at least it would be my choice. Instead I feel like they are forcing this way upon me, without any consideration for what I want. Erm, hello, this is happening to ME.

The waiting is awful - every twinge I wonder if the real thing, rather than just light bleeding, is going to start, and I'm really nervous, in fact quite scared, as to what is going to happen. The hospital told me that I would get a heavy period, but from what I have read on sites such as these and others, it seems much worse. The thought of passing clots or anything identifiable as the sac, makes me feel physically sick. The last few nights, I keep waking up in the middle of the night with bad cramps and a bit more bleeding but I eventually manage to get back to sleep and by morning I feel fine again, just a bit of a tight feeling, rather than cramping.

It sounds awful, but I just want it over with. This waiting for the inevitable to finally happen is torture.

Emotionally, I am up and down like a rollercoaster. I range from feeling, somewhat bizarrely, positive one minute and thinking I am coping well, to being a crying mess the next minute.

Sorry for rambling, but I just wanted to get the words out, to someone who may actually understand how I feel. I'm just sorry that any of us have to go through this.

 

[CARNAT22]

Oh sweetie,

I am afraid there isn't anything I (or anyone else) are going to be able to say to ease your pain at this time but we all sadly have varying degrees of experience so we do all truly understand how you feel.

Having a miscarriage is a very isolating experience though and regardless of how many people "understand" it is you and you alone going through this horrible time.

I had my first m/c at 8w, although bleeding for me started at 5w 5d. I was scanned several times and all in all it took 20 days from my first little bleed to the actual m/c occuring.

During this time I am not even sure how I functioned?? But I did, I was still working (my choice!! I felt the distraction of work helped!) looking back I think I went into denial. I simply didn't know what to expect so I kind of blocked it all out? I wasn't a member here and I confided in very few people. I actually feel sad about how little support I let myself have but in some ways my ignorance was my saviour!

I was scanned each week until I had passed everything naturally. I was never offered any intevention and whilst it was a very difficult time I am glad that I went down the natural route. I was at home when it did happen, not in hospital and for that I am thankful.

All I can say is that you need to be very kind to yourself - your emotions are going to be all over the place. Do not put too much pressure on yourself. Make sure you try and keep your strength up (you may not feel like it but you have to eat!)

Go with your feelings, if you need to be sad then be sad. Do not bottle it up.

Also make sure you use these place. Whilst you will still feel quite alone I found the support here after my other losses so helpful

xxxxxxxx

 

[Vickimo]

Hi,

I'm sorry you're here too and I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I found the waiting the worst part which is why I opted for the D&C as I just wanted it over with. I felt terrible for thinking it, but I felt so relieved when it was all over. It's a week ago today since I had the op and there have been bad days and not so bad days but I'm getting there.

I hope that it's over for you soon xx

 

[jojo3972]

I am so sorry perfect storm I have had very similar I thought I was 10 weeks going by lmp but I had done a test n I got a negative but 5 weeks lateri thought hmmm no period again il test and got a positive Yey so thought around 10 weeks ish 2 days later started spotting that was Saturday n monday I rang hospital they couldn't get me in for nearly a week!! Cos was bank holiday but I thought its all ok as was brown spotting nothing else no pain nothing anyways went for scan n they said are u sure of dates n I explained about the neg test n they said well we can see a sac at 5.5 weeks so maybe ur not 10 weeks hmm ok come bk for scan in a week I knew in my heart it was gonna end bad,got second scan n there had been growth of the sac and the was beginning of a yolk wen th zoomed right in so they said wel have to scan again in a week wtf I knew but they say have to have another scan :-/ it was torture it realy was I continued to spot brown blood n week Ayer another scan n was more slight growth of sac n yolk but nothing else n by that time should have been either 12 weeks or 8 ish give or take they wanted to. Re scan but I refused I knew it was over n I ended with a erpc after I tried for medical managed n failed my body just does not wanna let go n it didn't wanna let go with my second mmc at 10 weeks bk in may,it took me a long time to get over it I still have realy bad days usually wen af arrives n on a Saturday wen I should have been another week pregnant,again I'm so sorry life is so unfair , I hope it happens soon for u and it's not to bad xxx

 

[BunnyN]

So sorry, hugs for you.

 

[timtam78]

Hiya duck, so sorry you are having to go through this. I don't know about miscarrying naturally as I had an ERPC but I really hope you can get scanned so you don't have to go through it.

I'm sorry for your loss, its so heartbreaking and I can certainly relate to the roller coaster feeling, but you're not alone, we're all here to listen.

Big hugs xx

 

[netty]

i am so sorry to see this, if it helps i MC naturally at 14 weeks and it was pretty awful, but thats double what you are now so i dont think its going to be like you imagine sweety.

Make sure you take plenty of painkillers, rest up and get a hot water bottle as it felt to me like serious period cramps! I am shocked you were not given the option though hun thats not fair at all, sounds like they havent really done much to help you

i know this hurts, inside and out, i hope you find the strength to get through this, your angel is always with you i am so sorry it didnt work out darling i really am x

 

[Jaxx01]

hunni, first of all i just want to say how sorry i am that you are going through this..

But..one word of comfort if you like, is that went for a scan when i was 9w1 and it showed baby had grown to 5.5w i naturally miscarried 9 days later as i chose to do it naturally. The anticipation of the pain and everything was far worse than the actual physical MC. Yes it feels like a heavy period, and for me a hot water bottle and strong pain killers eased the physical pain but for me the lack of not a single soul who understood was the hardest part. I hadnt found this forum then.

If you need to come on to put it all down on paper..then do it...

Take care of yourself hun, take some time out to let it sink in as much as you can and look after you!!!

xxx

 

[laurat]

Sorry for your loss!! It is definetly the section you never want to be in but there are unfortunately so many people in the same position! Take care! Xx

 

[Katkin72]

Hi Perfectstorm, I am so so sorry to hear about your loss - I was exactly where you are back in July when I started spotting, two days later my scan showed there was no heartbeat. My whole world was turned upside down. I'm shocked that they haven't given you any options other than to mc naturally. They offered me a D&C if I wanted it - I was absolutely against it but after 2 weeks of my body not passing it on my own I opted for that. I was like you, terrified every minute that I would start to bleed heavily. It was a rollercoaster ride of emotions, hysterical one minute and accepting the next.
I'm about 6 weeks post op now and starting to feel more positive again. Give yourself time to heal emotionally and physically, and if you need to rant or ask advice we are all here to support you through this. Sending love & hugs to you at this heartbreaking time xxx

 

[Becky1]

So sorry for your loss. No one wants to be in this forum hun, but it is great to have the support and understanding of these wonderful ladies throughout this difficult time xx

 

[k8_005]

All. I want to send you is a big hug and lots of support whatever happens I hope you get support as you need and want Xx

 

[PerfectStorm]

Having re-read my original post, I hope I didn't offend anyone by saying I don't want to be in this section - I completely understand that not one of us wants to be here and we would all rather be posting in the other sections. I am however pleased that this group exists as having read all your replies, it helps to have people to relate to and who understand the way I am feeling. Although I wish that none of us had to experience this feeling. Thank you all so much for your supportive replies. I am so sorry for all of your losses.

 

[5Element]

Hi Perfectstorm!

My thoughts go out to you! I dont think you have offended anyone here - I think EVERYONE who has to be in here can well understand that feeling of why am I in here? How on earth did I get here? WHY ME?!?

I am just going through much the same and I can tell you that everyone here is a FANTASTIC support and it does so much good to write all your thoughts down and hear that you are not alone!

Take care and be good to yourself and dont forget you are not alone!

BIG HUGS!!!

 

[BunnyN]

Having re-read my original post, I hope I didn't offend anyone by saying I don't want to be in this section - I completely understand that not one of us wants to be here and we would all rather be posting in the other sections. I am however pleased that this group exists as having read all your replies, it helps to have people to relate to and who understand the way I am feeling. Although I wish that none of us had to experience this feeling. Thank you all so much for your supportive replies. I am so sorry for all of your losses.

No one will take it badly hun, truth is you shouldn't be here, no one should.

 

[kiwifrootkai]

Nobody will be offended hun, we all completely understand what you mean, and I still wish I wasn't in this section. But in a bittersweet way, I'm glad I'm here too because this is the place where I can be completely honest about how I feel without dressing it down. I can really feel everything I need to in this section.

I'm so sorry you found yourself here, and that it's still so raw for you. Honestly, it is a long journey, but we're all here for you when you need us.

Massive love and hugs

xo

 

[Becky1]

To echo the other ladies, no ones offended. Word of advise tho, avoid the other forums. I had the odd glance in to see how everyone was getting on but found it to upsetting as that's where I wanted to be. xxx

 

[Holly1991]

I didn't want to be on this part of the forum either so nobody will be offended..I was just wondering how your getting on now? Sorry for your loss sending big hugs over to you xxx

 

[Mellymoomin06]

So sad to read this hun...big hugs to u xxx

 

[MrsHope]

I'm sorry to hear this. Lots of love and hugs xxx