I don't know what to do

[VickyClare]

Hi everyone, I'm at a loss as to how to go on.

For those who dont know, we lost our daughter Rebecca last may (at 23 weeks -live birth) and we lost our son Joshua on the 15th Jan this year (at 19 weeks -still birth).

I've had numerous blood tests yesterday and will be having a scan in a few weeks and will also be seeing our consultant to try and figure out why we lost our babies.

My oh ( we're not married) says that he wants to get married before we even think about trying again. We've been together nearly 3 years ) not long I know. He's even said that I got pregnant "on my terms and we've lost two babies, now it will be on his terms and we will be married before we even think of trying again (and before marriage it will be condoms or nothing). He's even said that if we'd done things properly (being married) than it might have been a different outcome - I'm so enraged with what he said. I'm 38, no children, I love him with all my heart but at the same time I hate him too. I can't marry right now, I'm so unhappy and I want to be a happy bride. I've told him that to be happy I need to get pregnant again and that I'd be over the moon to become his wife if I'm a very pregnant wife (especially past 30 weeks pregnant); He just says that if you love me then you'd want to marry me regardless. I just can't comprehend being a happy bride when all I desperately want is to become a mom.

He says that I should try and put it all behind me and try and enjoy what we have. He wants to have a lovely summer out and about and to do things together. I'm finding it hard to even leave the house right now as all I seem to see are pregnant women and babies. He just doesn't seem to understand. Our first baby Rebecca should have been born on 31st August last year and Joshua should be born on 5th June this year. On the 7th May Becky was born. How can he expect me to enjoy summer? I have body dysmorphia (sp?) too and between the 2 pregnancies I've gained nearly 3 stones (mainly comfort eating) And no babies to show for it.

I'm just scared that I've missed the boat, that I'll be too old to become a proper mommy if I have to wait any longer.

What are your thoughts and feelings on this?

I just feel I'm losing the plot. I can't even comprehend the thought of never being a real mom.

Sorry for my rant but thank you for reading x x x

 

[Hopeful75]

Oh Vicky I really feel for you. I'm 38 too, no children. We decided to try for a family before marrying because of my age. 18 months and 3 mc later... not married and attempt 4.
I'm sure your oh is coming from a position of grief, trying to find something to blame these two complete tragedies on, however far fetched the reasoning might be. Maybe he also thinks giving you something nice to focus on will help you to cope with your own grief?
I can definitely understand your anger, frustration and upset, but you are certainly not losing the plot- every emotion you are feeling is completely justified. Hopefully you'll be able to talk things over together. Maybe let it rest and sink in for a couple of days before tackling him? I say that not because I think you'll change your mind- just so you can think of ways to express your upset.
I read your thread as you were going through the trauma of losing Joshua. You seem like an exceptionally strong and resilient person, you will get through this and keep hope that you'll become a mum too.

 

[VickyClare]

Thank you I'm still wide awake and doing the things that I couldn't do whilst pregnant (smoking and drinking wine) my oh has gone to bed a long time ago. I got to talking why I'm so desperate to try again, age, not feeling a real woman as have no children. I think I might have freaked him out as I tend to tell my true feeling after a drink and I don't think he could handle it. He did say he was tired and achy but I think that was just an excuse to go up. He also said "dont wake me up" so I don't feel he wants me etc. what a mess

I just feel like I'm coping on my own. My parents are a great support but I don't want to be a burden to them.

I also feel a failure as I'm an only child and obviously I can only make them granny and granddad it's so upsetting.

I was born at 26 weeks. I hope my prematurity isn't going to affect my chances of being a real mom

Take care and thanks again xxx

 

[Hopeful75]

My oh seems very similar to yours, I'll go on at him about something, get nothing back, he'll disappear into his shell for a couple of days and then be ready to talk. Let him absorb what you've said. He definitely wants you- marriage is a pretty good indicator of that one!
I understand how you feel like you're alone in all this, but be rest assured you're not. Your parents will be far more concerned about you than they'll let you know.
Enjoy that wine and take care. XX

 

[lozzalozza]

So sorry for your losses. What you are describing seems pretty normal given what you've been through. Are you getting any councilling? As I think that might help you have been through incredible trauma and it'll take time to feel better. It sounds like you oh loves you very much and I suspect he is feeling helpless and trying to get you to focus on more happy things. Last year I had a mc at the same time my mum was given a week to live and my business was also really struggling. I was very close to breaking and my husband just didn't know how to help saying things which just annoyed me like. It'll be ok in the end, you need to stop crying cos it's no fun for me, and just wouldn't talk to me about emotions. He just didn't know how to help. I would let your oh know that marrying him is hugely important to you but that pregnancy has a huge time/age issue and you need to feel you're doing what you can now rather than waiting another year. I think the only way you'll feel better is to have a baby but it can consume your life. Try to take pleasure in some of the good things in your life or you may lose sight of yourself. Good luck x.

 

[Eryinera]

I feel for you hun. My OH wants a baby I'm sure of it but since the MC his libido seems to have dropped, We are planning a holiday in August and he says I won't want to go if am pregnant but I really enjoyed being pregnant on holiday last time but he thinks I am just saying that.

Your OH loves you and I think maybe this is his way of dealing with the loss. I can only imagine the pain that you are going through and you are not a failure as a woman you are just an unlucky woman. He may also be feeling similar thoughts to yourself. I think he is daft blaming the fact you're not married on things, I don't see what relevance that will have on anything. But maybe he needs to have something positive to look forward to as well. I am like you and enjoying the things I can't do when pregnant. I wish there was something I could say or do to ease your pain.

You aren't getting any younger that's true but that doesn't mean you won't be able to get your forever baby in a little while. Many woman have babies older than yourself. I wish you the best of luck and I agree maybe vent your frustrations on here for a while before talking to your OH. My OH keeps telling me not tonight but I'm Ovulating soon and whilst I know that I'm not telling him but it is making me a bit frustrating thinking why doesn't he want me. But I think if I give him some room then he will either talk about things or take matter into his own hands. It may be worth waiting for the results from the tests to see if they can shed some light and maybe give your both some way to bring reason to the horrible experiences you have been through.

Don't give up hope I wish you the best of luck and I hope you will get your forever baby soon x x x xx

 

[CARNAT22]

Maybe this is your partners way of dealing with it Vicky?

I think it's grief talking a bit (for example being married would have made no difference to the outcomes - sadly!)

I think you need to give your partner a bit of time but be positive, encourage him to think about how amazing it would be to have your child with you when you do eventually get married.

Also gently encourage him to consider that waiting at your age isn't the best option (I mean no disrespect about your age hun x)

I am sorry that after all you have been through your OH is now having a change of heart.

If you do want to get married though you can elope / go abroad / arrange a wedding in the next few months?

X

 

[Lilmisshopeful]

Oh hun this could of been written by me back in July. My oh was adamant after Charlie he wouldn't try again. He didn't mind if we never had kids to just enjoy each other and be happy blah blah blah. Everything I didn't want to hear and given my age I panicked so much. Turns out he was just torn up inside and took some time to come to terms with things. He had lost 3 babies in 2 years and almost lost me. 2 months later he finally agreed to give it another shot. He probably just needs time to get his head round things. My oh is so stubborn but he got there. Good luck hun xxx