How do I get over this?

Discussion in 'Coping with Miscarriage & Loss' started by reallyoldmum, Jan 1, 2008.

  1. reallyoldmum

    reallyoldmum Well-Known Member

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    I am so upset - I tried to talk to Dave about how I am feeling and he just says "move on" "get over it" - I cant do that, my baby was real to me and the fact he is just blocking it out is tearing me apart...... :(

    We have only been married for a year and now I feel I would be better off alone........

    Sorry ladies - probably the bacardi and coke talking but if he cant understand the pain I am going through then he isnt the man I thought he was....... :(
     
  2. NickyB

    NickyB Well-Known Member

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    That's really awful, I hope he's being like this as a way to cover up his emotions, which still isn't any help for you. I would imagine it'll be a lot harder for you to 'get over' without his support, so you have to do something, maybe Relate or some other mediation/grievance counselling.
     
  3. libs

    libs Well-Known Member

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    I honestly don't know what to say hun :hug:
     
  4. reallyoldmum

    reallyoldmum Well-Known Member

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    Thanks ladies :oops: we had both drunk quite a lot last night so had a chat this morning - Dave is really struggling with seeing me upset and not knowing what to do or say - unfortunately he thought it would help taking the "hard" approach - the sad thing is he is sad too but is terrified that I will sink into a black hole......

    Feel much better after having a sober chat with him - he openly admits he is finding it difficult to understand as obviously it is my body and not his that has been under so much pressure but we have come to some agreements - I wont bottle it up and just bring it up when I have had a drink (gosh that makes me sound like a lush) and he will listen as many times as I need him to - even if he doesnt truely understand.....

    I hope we can come through this stronger rather than it blowing us completely apart..... :pray:
     
  5. *Star*

    *Star* Well-Known Member

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    i'e had the same issue with my fella.
    we ended up having a stand up row, him screaming at me calling me a sad selfish bitch, i threw my rings at him and slept on the couch.

    we've sorted it now, but it was just so hard because it was the 2nd baby i lost in just over 2 months.

    and it is me who goes through the loss process. it tears at our heart every single time we go to the loo and it's thrust into our face.

    i know exactly how you feel, im having a really bad day today, it's just all very raw this morning :(
     
  6. Steelgoddess

    Steelgoddess Well-Known Member

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    Hon I think things like this affect men in different ways, when I miscarried i asked my partner why he was so nonchalant about it, I got depressed and upset and although he was comforting on the day it happen and the week following he went back to norm after, he didn't understand so I confronted him in tears and said it was as if he didn't care.

    He said sorry and said it was because the pregnancy would not seem real until he had some kind of visual proof it was happening, a bump or a baby at the end (Maybe even a scan we never got to see :( ).

    I realised that it wasn't that he didn't care but that he saw things differently to me, I think your partner saying to get over it is him saying I cannot completely understand what you are going through but i want you to be happy.

    We had a lot of arguments after my mc i used to say stuff like he never cared anyway. i think the best thing to do is to sit him down and ask him how he feels about things, tell him how you feel too, tell him that it doesn't just happen and then you think oh never mind we could always try again because that is not how it works...

    I'm sorry you feel this way and hope things work out for you

    xxx
     
  7. tracey 2

    tracey 2 Well-Known Member

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    just wanted to send you plenty of hugs hun im sorry i wasnt around for you but im pleased you have spoken to him and things are ok as they can be.

    dont push yourself hun but let it all out as much as you can, you know where i am if you need me :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
     
  8. MissSara

    MissSara Well-Known Member

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    After my last MC my OH didn't seem affected or botherd to me nlike me who wanted to talk and discuss everything he bottled it all up. Until one night he went out with his friends and they must have said how sorry they was and after a few drinks he came home sobbing unable to talk through the tears. He just said that his way of dealing with everything and seeing me laid in the hospital made him feel weak so he tried to forget everything and not want to talk.

    After we spoke everything was fine and cleared up but it took a few weeks to speak about everything we wanted to.

    Keep talking to each other and be there for each other, everyone deals with a loss in different ways i just thought of my loss not how OH was feeling, all the best hun xxx
     
  9. trixipaws

    trixipaws Well-Known Member

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    im sorry i kno men can be funny with their emotions sometimes. glad u had a chat with him and things with u and him seem a little better.
    :hug:
     
  10. Flick

    Flick Well-Known Member

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    I do hope everything turns out OK for you :hug:

    Despite being very upset and confused myself, I feel very lucky that my DH has been so supportive right from day one. As mentioned by Sara, it really affected him to see me in the hospital and he has also told me - after alot of tears from both of us - how much he was looking forward to being a dad again (and it was him who said he was not bothered if I got pregnant at all but he would stand by me, Men ! :fib: :wall: )

    Try and talk as much as you need to, to your DH or your friends here. You have been through so much and still need support. Please don't hesitate to contact me if you need to :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
     
  11. Sammystar

    Sammystar Well-Known Member

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  12. Trudyscrumptious76

    Trudyscrumptious76 Well-Known Member

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    You don't get over it. You take each day as it comes. I thought my DH didn't care because he didn't cry or walk around looking miserable. When we finally talked about it he told me he wanted to be strong for me and didn't feel he had the right to get upset as it's far worse for me. Men just deal with things differently. He does care but they feel the need to fix the problem rather than say how they feel about it. He'll get there in the end. Take care of yourself hun. :hug: :hug: :hug:
     
  13. sookie

    sookie Well-Known Member

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    So sorry that you went through what you did ROM. :hug: :hug: :hug:

    I have no advice about getting over it as I have not been through it but just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and that you have support here. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
     
  14. Steelgoddess

    Steelgoddess Well-Known Member

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    How are things now hon???

    x
     
  15. Rosebay

    Rosebay Well-Known Member

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    :hug: :hug:

    My OH is always terrified when I get depressed about things because I'm the emotionally strong one in our relationship I think. He's generally great for the first 48 hours then sinks into a depression himself or else tries to block it out. I think men cope with these things in a totally different way than we do. Also it is very hard for men to understand what a whole mind body heart and hormone combo goes on when you lose a baby or even when you have one. Their hormones don't work in the same way and they haven't got that physical experience to relate to. My OH didn't really believe that I was going to have a baby until he had Elliott in his arms, it was strange as I could see all the bonding that I'd been doing from the day I got the BFP until the day I had Elliott kind of happen all at once for him. Likewise when we lost our baby in September it was only with the loss that he said that he really knew how very much he wanted another baby. I just don't think they can deal with what they see as abstract.

    Also my bottom of the sea depression after my m/c lasted longer than I think he could understand. It hurt the most until after my first total cycle of TTC when we didn't conceive. Somehow I felt like some pressure was off after that and I've accepted that we will get pg when my body is ready for it.

    It's great that you're talking about all of this. Keeping talking will get you both through and make your relationship stronger. We've been together for 14 years now, married for 7 and have had to deal with some really difficult periods including years of him suffering from anxiety-based depression and if there's one thing I've learned it's that you don't do anyone any favors by holding things back even if you think you're doing it for the right reasons. I know I can't read his mind and I sure know he can't read mine so you have to tell each other how you're feeling so that you can give the support that you both need.

    Hope it's all getting easier for you
    :hug: :hug:
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