Husband left me - feel so down.

[jocymum]

Well for the last two months my husband of 6yrs has been going on about 'needing' space and how unhappy he is, hasn't been at home hardly at all and has left me to take care of the house, our horses dogs and cats. I went to stay at my mums for xmas and new year (the most miserable of my life I think) to give him more time..
I'm now back at home still trying to cope on my own, although a few people have come to stay I spend most days on my own in the middle of the countryside with no transport.
He has now told me that he met someone over xmas and has been sleeping with her (I'm fairly sure he's never cheated on me before) which he seems to think is ok as in his mind we were split-up. He also said that he would've been staying with her but she's 43 with a 20 yr old son who isn't too keen on her having random men around (poor bl88dy lad )
I feel as though I have walked into someone elses life...I started this pregnancy with a supportive husband (he even cried at the first scan as we've miscarried before) and all the hope in the world for our little family and the whole thing is destroyed.
He is still semi-living here as he doesn't have anywhere else and there's no point chucking him out as I think it would just make it all worse.He says he'll always be there financially and emotionally for little boy and we are managing to talk quite reasonably about all our joint responsibilities which is good and the mature thing to do...................................................but I just feel so down, my little boy is kicking away and I feel like screaming my head off the pain of it all is just so bad. To the outside world i'm coping but i feel like it just isn't worth it to keep going all the time, everyone keeps saying i'll meet someone new and my life will be better and I know I'll love the baby but how can I even get through the next few weeks??
I have always worked hard and tried to do the right thing and now i'm here at 31yrs old with no job(our business fell apart this year),no money,no husband. I know bad things happen but after my molar pregnancy and all the tests involved I just wanted to enjoy every minute of this baby.
Oh sorry i'm waffling, but I had to let this out somewhere

 

[gingerpig]

Bl*****y H**L, I'm so shocked! No idea what to say, except from what awful news. I WOULD chuck him out, I personally find it an easier way to make the break. A friend of mine swears by the 3 month rule - dont see the ex at all for 3 months and then see if you still want to be friends. I know he wants to be involved in the baby's life once it's born, but it will have to be on your terms!

I am so gutted for you, I can't imagine what must be going through your husband's mind right now.... Please come on here and scream as much as you like, and pm me if you want to. Really feel for you petal

 

[oldermum]

I'm so sorry.

I feel the same, he shouldn't still be living there, kick him out, you will never be able to start sorting yourself out until he's gone.

I know you will feel that it will be hard on your own, i have been there, time will settle things. Look forward to your baby knowing that it's a gift and enjoy all those precious moments knowing that little life depends on the love you provide.

Get angry, don't get sad, he's the one that will miss out.

Hugs honey.

 

[jocymum]

Thanks both- I would love to kick him out in a way, but I really can't because I have no transport (i'm 5 miles from the nearest shop) at the moment, and I can't afford taxi's. If I don't keep a civil relationship with him I can't even get to appointments- I know that sounds lame but I haven't got any family closer than 100miles and whilst i've got some good friends there are limits to how much people can do.
I'm just going to have to keep going somehow until the baby comes and then sort it out properly ( plus I am more likely to get off the murder charge if I claim post-natal depression made me do it got to laugh or I'll cry again !!)
Jocy

 

[whyslifesobig]

okay I am going to play devils advocate here, A lot of relationships go through a really bad patch when women are pregnant.
think of it from a guys point of view (they are imature at best idiot at worst)
thier wife/girlfriend is consumed with love for the growing life within her they don't feel that life growing they just see women getting big and growing distant. They are no longer the centre of your world.
You other half may feel somewhat demasculated by the failiure of your buisness and this may be a symptom of his own depression and he is just after an ego boost from this other woman. Lame but sadly true.
The fact he is leaving you to cope alone at home points to the fact he is no coping himself and wants to run away from his problems.
I would talk to him, discuss what your future hold for you both, maybe try relate or something. Relationships are too easily left these days and a lot of men go with other women and the relationship can be saved after if you both want it.
If not then maybe you can discuss moving out of the house you are in and both moving into places less rural for you to be able to manage with your children when you do split properly.
either way good luck and keep strong

 

[jocymum]

wow! thank-you, i agree with soooo much of what you've said and a lot of it is why i'm still here ( apart from the practical element which is still )
I have been with him for 10yrs and my god we've had our ups and downs- and i'm damn sure i'm far from perfect.. I don't really want to throw it away too easily, for my l/o's sake and ours too.
I still think he must have lost the plot- having a baby, turning thirty, losing the business and several family members is a lot to take on board.
The only thing I can do is sit it out for a while and see where it takes us, I also don't want to push him into a relationship with 'her' just because it's somewhere to stay for a while, at the moment I suspect it's sex and an ego boost which in the long run I can probably forgive.
It going to take every bit of strength I've got though

 

[glitzyglamgirl]

I think your being amazingly strong as it is, I hope he realises how lucky he is when he comes to his senses!

You know we're all here for you

 

[Tara & Liam]

Hi

Firstly

I agree entirely with what was said previously by whyslifesobig.

it is easier now a days to just chuck things away.

i think most importantly for you is to look after yourself. make sure that you and your baby are well, once you have had your baby then start to sort things out with your husband. It easy to walk away from it all. But i wish you all the best and hope that you and your DH can get back on track. Even with all the troubles that you have had previously, you and your DH should be proud of your little one.

sorry if i dont make much sense.

x

 

[cassi]

aww hun im so sorry for you i agree with whyislife too ...its such a shame this is happening to you i really hope things work out xx

 

[whyslifesobig]

if you need someone to talk to message me and I will give you my email address hun. If you need strength we are all here to give you a boost.
Take it easy and keep your baby and yourself safe.

 

[minikins]

I am so sorry you are going through this, especially at this time in your pregnancy you must feel like you head is all over the place.

I honestly don't know what to say and I don't want to make any judgements on your situation as you are dealing with enough as it is.

All I can say is am here if you need a chat feel free to PM me.

xxx

 

[x-kirsty-x]

Hiya hunni, Im really no good with words but I feel for you so much and just wanted to give you a hug

 

[jocymum]

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH what have I done???
I don't know if i'm a women possessed or what but last night when OH got home from work we talked ( for hours! ) and after two glasses of wine ( Double aghhhhhhhh- I haven't drunk at all during pregnancy ) I told him I loved him, didn't want to be with anyone else and basically threw myself at him
To an extent it worked and he finally hugged me,kissed me,felt the bump and took me to bed..........( yes, I did make him wear a c/d, as I know he's been elsewhere )
It was totally fanatastic and I don't regret it, it's just left me not knowing what the ***** going on.He's gone off to work seeming really cheerful and being lovely ,but not saying much. One thing he did say was that he was now scared to get back with me because I will want revenge eventually and it wouldn't be any good. I'm soooooooooo confused - so much for being mature etc etc etc

 

[whyslifesobig]

aww honey don't punish yourself. Just need to keep talking and explain that this is not about revenge just wanting to save something that you both have invested a lot of time in. As for the drink I am sure that a few glasses of wine once won't do any harm.
I think that your relationship sounds like it is one that can be saved with a whole lot of hard work and the curage of a lion on your part. You are the only one who can say if you will oneday be able to forgive him though.
sending you calming thoughts and a big hug

 

[roxanne080]

can i please just say..WHAT A BL@@DY B@STARD! I feel no remorse whatsoever for men like him..pull yourself together girl you can make it..and anyways who needs a husband like him? my mum managed to raise three kids on her own and we came out perfectly fine with good jobs. So do not beat yourself over this situation its his loss..and when you stop grieving you ll look back and say how better you are feeling now! just one thing which my mum thought me ..EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON..she is now in a very happy relationship for the last sixteen years and he respects her and she did things with him that she never imagined she ll do them with my dad..god bless you

 

[jocymum]

LOL !!! the calm post from whyslifesobig and then the nice angry one from roxanne...... sums up how I flit from one emotion to the other
I know what you mean Roxanne as my dad left when I was 13 and my mum was amazing, sooooooo strong. I know he's being a complete Sh*t -I don't think I would have put up with it if it wasn't for the fact that he has always treated me wonderfully in the past ten yrs only time will tell

 

[whyslifesobig]

you will get there one way or other chick, either way you will need the strength of an ox. There are some posts on here I have read and been like get rid of the K@@b but it just seems different for your situation and like you blokie is just acting up like a child kicking his teddy tbh
we are all here for you to yell at and vent at

 

[roxanne080]

im sorry if i sounded angry..please take care of yourself and that baby of yours cos you are the most important at the moment..

 

[jo33]

I am so sorry for all you have had to go through, i really hope things will start to get beter for you whatever the outcome with your oh.
I ve only just noticed that your from Ludlow, me too! I live just outside like yourself bit in the sticks.
Although i dont get chance to post on here very often i always try to browse when i can.
Where abouts are you? Id always giv you a lift if i can!
Take care we are all here to offer support and anything eles you needl

 

[TipsyDipsy]

I know he's acting lovely now and you feel that when he comes to his senses that he will come home. But think of this what incentive have you done to not carry on having both of you on tap for as long as he wants and even if he does tire of this relationship what incentive have you given him not to do it again in a few years time?
I know people pack in relationships too easily nowadays but that's only because women expect the same respect in the relationship and to be treated as an equal.
Would he forgive you if you were did this to him do you think?
He is a grown man after all and if you came home an announced that you'd been sleeping with someone else because you'd felt trapped by him would he then pat your back and say 'ah its all right love I can forgive you its not your fault your just feeling vulnerable.
I know my hubbie wouldn't let me off my choices as an adult so I really don't understand why us women do as a matter of principle.
I'm sure in the future this will all work out in the end and he'll get bored with this relationship and return because he knows he can walk back into your life. I'm just worried about what lessons he'll have learnt about what your willing to forgive for the future.
What I hope will happen though hunny is that your circumstances in the future will change before that time and you've had your baby, got your figure, confidence and strength back and realise that you don't actually need him at all.