Husband involvement

[heybabya]

Ladies - how much are your partners involved in baby care now they are back at work?

My hubby works in service and does shift work and long hours. He worked 57 hours this weekend which included two twelve hour shifts. This means he is too tired to look after baby and he says he will do it on his days off. But on his days off he says he's really tired and can I do it or he goes for a nap. Whereas I can be on day three of not showering but hey ho.

He is off today. Last night he came in after midnight, he said if I fed baby at 3am he would get the 7 am as he has a driving lesson at 10 and doesn't want to be tired for it. But baby had a rumbling tummy at 1 am so he fed him, meaning baby didn't get up at 3am I was up wih him at 5 am and baby then got up at 8 am not 7 am. Hubby lies in bed and says he can't get baby as he's no time and it's not his fault baby slept in. I said tough luck mate. So he grumbles and stomps about while feeding him then halfway through plonks him back with me saying he has no time. Then he asks me why I'm giving him attitude. I say if u don't have time to feed baby you don't have time to argue, he says "f*** you" and storms off.

I admit my mood isn't great rn. All i do is clean, tidy up after hubby and look after the baby. I appreciate that he works a lot and it must be tiring but I feel like I'm pulling a non stop 24/7 shift rn and I'm barely getting a reprive.

So how much do ur partners help with them being back at work. Feel like I'm hitting a brick wall!

 

[Orion]

Sorry to hear what you're going through.

My hubby helps a lot. He wants to. He lets me go to bed early every night because he enjoys looking after his son and he knows I need the energy to look after baby in the day.

Your OH shouldn't be treating his baby like a chore. Yes it's hard and takes a lot of energy, but you don't get this time back. It sounds to me like there might be a deeper issue than just tiredness. If he's avoiding baby to such a degree, maybe he hasn't bonded properly.

No advice really Hun except maybe sit your hubby down for a proper chat. Don't attack him. Just say how worried you are.

And baby comes first. If you haven't cleaned the house or made dinner, tough luck hubby.

 

[heybabya]

See that's the thing I think it's just tiredness cos when he is well rested he is amazing with him. Plays with him loads. Even at the 1 am feed last night he was saying "oh look what he does with his eyebrows when he's drinking, he's so cute, I love him so much". So I do t think it's a bonding issue it's like he can't cope if he's even slightly tired. He has said to me a few times "how can u manage this when ur tired, I can barely cope and I'm not doing it as much as you" I think I'm just running on empty though!

Honestly it's like jekyl and Hyde depending on whether he's tired or not. But it's not fair. I just don't know how much I should expect him to do when he works so much. And to be fair he does tell me not to bother with housework and that I should just sleep but the house would be a riot if I didn't.

 

[Mummybexee]

Remind him your job is 24/7 at the moment and to sort his shit out and help you alittle

Certainly DONT pick up after him - don't wash his clothes and all that. When he asks where his clean clothes are tell him your too tired and have been working a lot

He will get the point - and if my hubby told me to fcuk off - I'd kick him out the door - how rude!

 

[littlemonkey]

Well we have two kids so there's no lie ins, naps or chilling out in our house! It's non stop from when the youngest wakes up for his 'night feed' about 4-5 am until they both go to bed, which is usually 8pm. If I want to wash my hair, I just stay up after the youngest goes back to sleep after that first feed and get it done before my eldest wakes up about 6-7 am!

I think you have to spell it out to your OH. Give him a list of jobs he needs to do.

My OH works long days and with travelling it's about a twelve hour day for him. He's up at 5.30 in the morning. So on nights before he's in work, I would do night feeds etc. But on days he's off he will do them. On a work day, he generally only helps with tiding up after tea, sorting the bottles out and getting our eldest reason for bed etc. This is usually when the youngest gets a bit cranky and wants a cuddle and feed before bed so I'll be doing that. The days he's off work, he'll do his fair share of house work and dealing with the kids. It's usually we have a child each to tend to, but we do take it in turns to give each other a break etc.

OH was useless in the past with house work etc before we had the kids. I found not doing it for a while an effective way of getting him to pull his finger out.

How old is your LO? It does get easier once LO settles down, starts sleeping through etc and you can get more sleep and a break. My youngest has been sleeping through for the last couple of weeks which has made life so much easier!

 

[El1en]

Men just don't get it at times. My oh is a farmer so works long days ATM. I'm very good and while I give him baby when he gets in so I can make tea I then take her back so he can have a long bath and some chill time. I breast feed so oh can't get up with her during the night. Occasionally my oh says he's tired and can't watch her but I've just explained that I either have her or when I ask him to watch her it's so I can do something like cook or clean, I don't ever actually get chill time. After I explained this he has been better, he loves playing with her he's just not very good when she has a whine. I find it frustrating when people say "leave housework it doesn't matter", I know I'm the grand scheme of things it's not important but I honestly hate mess and dirt, I can't sit in a messy dirty house so every time she's sleeps I'm working away. Sit him down and calmly explain you need a bit more support. Explain that you both have to work around the baby now and neither of your needs or wants come first anymore. My oh is a big baby and used to coming first, getting what he wants when he wants but he is now getting used to having to wait for things while babys needs are being seen to

 

[kitten2014]

littlemonkey, on a side note, good to hear lil one is sleeping thru, my lil miss also has a 4am 'night feed' - tried dream feeding at 10pm after 7-8pm bedtime and it failed, she still wanted 4am so my nights are 10pm-4am in bed then 4.30-7am broken sleep as she doesnt settle well after a feed and wakes every hr lol...between 10-4 I may get woken up twice on a good night but settle back down or every hr, assisting with sleeping on a bad night...lolPersonally I think 7ish-4am is pretty good so I happily do it but cant wait for the night feeds to stop and for her to sleep longer stretches as its a tease when she does and I get 2hr solid kip and very rare, generally my sleep is made up of 20-30min intervals up to 1hr n half if Im lucky lol....

 

[russellmuscle]

Hey Hun

It was quite easy for myself at the begining, because Jackson was a really good (and still is) sleeper. So I was always able to get myself sorted. In the mornings I would allow a wee bit of me time, which included me in the shower, Jackson in his bouncer watching me shower lol, then Id take him in the livingroom let him have some tv time for like 30 mins whilst I float about sorting myself and squaring up and doing what i needed for that day. Perhaps you could have a wee daily routine for yourself and baby like what I did?

I will say though that it didnt solve the partner not mucking in as much, just ensured I was atleast clean! FOB didnt actually realise how hard babysitting was until we spent time apart and he had his own days. Which if is not an option, then I would suggest arranging for FOB to spend the whole day with bub on his day off and allow you to go be you and relax for a while.

Having a baby is team work, and sometimes men need a little thrown in the deep end to actually think oh wait shit, this baby work is harder than it seems... lol.

Good luck

C xxxx

 

[CARNAT22]

My OH is self employed and often does weekends and has an hours + commute each way. He can be out the house 7-7 most days in the week.

I have a 2.9 year old and a 6 month old and I do the lions share of childcare and housework. However OH does help when I tell / ask and of course when he has time off we are much closer to 50/50 on the housework and childcare front. Although baby is ebf so I obviously have to tend to her.

OH deals with all his 'own stuff' so his lunches and ironing etc.... He also washes up every night as I cook. He puts James to bed every night and reads him bedtime story and if he is home when I am preparing and cooking our dinner he takes over and gives me time to not only cook but eat in peace!!! He'll have a cold dinner so I can enjoy mine warm.... Needless to say unless I'm starving I tend to wait for him to get in before I eat. Lol.

If asking for his help doesn't work I'd certainly stop doing anything for him. If he won't help with baby then you shouldn't help him by doing any cooking or cleaning to benefit him.

X

 

[littlemonkey]

littlemonkey, on a side note, good to hear lil one is sleeping thru, my lil miss also has a 4am 'night feed' - tried dream feeding at 10pm after 7-8pm bedtime and it failed, she still wanted 4am so my nights are 10pm-4am in bed then 4.30-7am broken sleep as she doesnt settle well after a feed and wakes every hr lol...between 10-4 I may get woken up twice on a good night but settle back down or every hr, assisting with sleeping on a bad night...lolPersonally I think 7ish-4am is pretty good so I happily do it but cant wait for the night feeds to stop and for her to sleep longer stretches as its a tease when she does and I get 2hr solid kip and very rare, generally my sleep is made up of 20-30min intervals up to 1hr n half if Im lucky lol....

I have been very lucky with both my boys and sleep! My eldest was going from 9pm to 5am by three months. He was a crap napper though and we also moved him into his own room around the time he started sleeping through. I was worried our youngest would be a nightmare, but he's also been going from 8pm to 4/5am for the last couple of weeks and he's 12 weeks now. He's also still in our room and will have decent naps in the day.

A few people suggested dream feeding my eldest, but I was just grateful for the sleep he was having, so let him to it. According to my parents, I slept through from a week old, so it's probably genetic!

 

[kitten2014]

lol bless, thats what I thought, at the end of the day if it works, dont change it...currently she is learning to sleep longer at nap times and is just coming out of a 2hr nap now 4hrs after her last feed before we went swimming! Boy am I gonna have a hungry baby...yep here she goes....

 

[Sparklisam]

Not to put a downer on things atall but my OH believed his job and time was too important and his family came 2nd. I was sick of battling with him and 'booking' him for family days. I have a touch of OCD we had a slobbery dog so needed to clean a lot and I like things nice. I just did 22months of this with minimal help from OH and it just destroyed me and our relationship. I am now a single mum and devastated by it all even after trying and trying to work at it. I think what I'm saying is u possibly could resent him for not considering u so try and talk and keep talking through why u need help. In my OH defence he would have LO on his days off in the week but I never came home to a clean house and dinner on the table which I did every night for him even after working full time in a very stressful full on job. I hope you find that happy medium and You Oh helps xxx

 

[Rooster30]

It really saddens me when I read about people OHs being essentially useless. It takes two to make babies and it should be a team effort in raising them. I understand that OHs have long days at work and are understandably tired. However, looking after babies and house all day/week/year long on your own isn't easy either. He needs to help out because it is too much to expect of you.

I have it ridiculously easy because my OH works from home on a good wage. I try not to take the mick but it's great knowing that if I need to quickly pop to the shop, I can, without having to load two children in the car. I can have a shower in the morning if I want to, and if one or the other is winding me up and I simply need a 5 minute breather, mainly, I can. That's not to say I'm not envious of him sometimes though, sometimes, if both kids are playing up and he's hammering away on the computer out of sight of it all as understandably, he's working and he can't concrete with noise - then I get a bit jealous

 

[Flosi]

Sorry some of you are having a bad time with OH.
Although my OH os out of the house by 5 and generally not back home until 8. He helps me loads, and ATM he is only getting half day a week off, he will have LO that whole half day so I can get other stuff done.

I guess though it has been this way since day one, and I didn't have the joy of OH being on leave, so just got on with it.
Don't know what you can do other than sit down and talk to your OH? Talking goes a long way, communication is key

 

[kumber]

My OH hardly helped at all for the first 6 months. He didn't get paternity leave so 5 days after giving birth, he was back working 13 hour days. It was hard. I was doing all the feeds, nappies, everything. I was having to force hubby to take him and all he would do was leave ds on his playmat while he played on the computer.

Ds was born in June last year and it took til November to get a diagnosis for severe clinical depression. He didn't start playing with ds until he was about 7 or 8 months old, which was January/February time. That was the first time I saw him actively embrace and enjoy fatherhood.

I'm not saying that your hubby has depression but my point is some dads find it so hard to bond initially and they're hugely overwhelmed. I would sit him down and talk to him about how he's finding fatherhood. Try and do it so you're not unintentionally blaming him for anything, keep the discussion open and relaxed, see if you can get to the bottom of it.

It's really easy to blame them for appearing uninterested or lazy but we've had 9 months to get used to our lives changing, 9 months to learn to love this little person and 9 months of ridiculously strong hormones to trigger an instinctive maternal response.

Men have none of that. Their lives change literally in the hours of labour. They have a huge and sudden responsibility for this fragile, tiny little thing that will depend on them as provider for the next 18 years. How mind bending must that be really! It's no wonder some of them struggle.

 

[Ella1979]

My OH helps out quite a bit. He works full time (out from 7am to 7pm weekdays only) but switched to home working one day a week (a day when I'm at work) and does the nursery drop off/pick up that day, sorts their breakfast and tea out and gets them ready for bed. If I'm on a late shift he will also put them to bed and make a start on our dinner (admittedly it's usually something I've made that needs reheating, so not complex, but it all helps!). Since my dad was diagnosed with recurrent cancer, he's also taken time off to help look after our kids while I take dad to hospital appointments and arranged other days off so we can do nice stuff with the family.

When our two were really little, we would take it in turns to do night feeds, even when I was on maternity leave. He would do the late evening feeds (anything up to 1am) and I'd do any early morning ones (from 1am), so he at least would get a block of decent sleep before work. I've always done all the food shopping, meals and housework (although if we run out of anything he'll pop to the shop on the way home from work).

Our daughter was in SCBU for 3 weeks and I was in a week, with my son I was in hospital 13 days in total and he looked after both of our kids with some help from his mum.

To be honest I think I'm very lucky. My OH is my rock and I'd be totally lost without him.

 

[Juice]

It's really easy to blame them for appearing uninterested or lazy but we've had 9 months to get used to our lives changing, 9 months to learn to love this little person and 9 months of ridiculously strong hormones to trigger an instinctive maternal response.

Men have none of that. Their lives change literally in the hours of labour. They have a huge and sudden responsibility for this fragile, tiny little thing that will depend on them as provider for the next 18 years. How mind bending must that be really! It's no wonder some of them struggle.

Agree completely!! It's different for them!

 

[Bexybun]

WSS, very much agree with Kumbers point.

 

[cossie13]

I hope things are getting easier for you?

My OH really helps quite a lot. By a lot I mean he does every 3am and 7am feed plus the odd 7pm feed too. The only problem I do have is that when Alex is crying I have to actually ask him to put his iPad down and pay attention to his son. It's winds me up when I have to do this but I do also think I have it easy with not having to do 3am feeds so I shouldn't really complain! But I only really have time to wash bottles, tidy & clean the house and shower & wash my hair while he's around (which isn't much).

I really do hope you've managed to talk things through and that they are getting easier for you xxx

 

[H16]

My OH was shit when my daughter was born quite honestly. He found it super hard to bond with her and didn't provide any help or support, he was off work on long term sick for depression at time and would just lay in bed all time and let me do everything. I walked out after 3 months. Depression or no depression I couldn't keep going like that, my daughter had terrible colic and was not sleeping well therefore I was sleeping 2 hours a night and ended up having hallucinations etc so I hit the wall and moved in with my parents. Me and my daughter would go and stay with her Dad for a few nights every other week so he got to spend time with her and he gradually snapped out of it and by time she turned 1 we were a family again.

She is almost 2 now and he has his own chores he does around the house, he takes daughter swimming etc, helps tire her out so I get more rest etc etc and things work pretty well now.

I am a little nervous about how hard things will be when baby number 2 arrives and am not expecting much rest TBH but I have already told OH we will have to take it in turns to entertain a child each when he is home as I can't make dinner and look after kids at same time etc. He has never done night feeds but personally I don't mind that as I am much better at boring my child back to sleep after 10 mins where as OH gets her excited and then we have a nightmare on our hands! I feel pretty confident on the whole though as I know what I am doing this time around so will be much more organised.

On the shower note - I had a friend who would never shower until OH got home etc and sometimes couldn't shower for 3 days. Screw that. Take baby in bathroom with you in their bouncer and wash your hair, even if baby is crying for 5 mins it won't do them any harm to wait a few mins so you can wash hun. That is what I used to do with my daughter x