How do I know what he wants?

[surfgirl]

My partner and I have been together for 9 years now and I would like to start trying for a baby. I came off the pill 5 mths ago and have talked about this with my partner. Sometimes he is ok about it just happening and other times he acts as though he isn't ready for a baby and goes very quiet when I mention it to him. I think it is the responsibility, but I can't imagine him ever feeling ready! He is 32 and I'm 27.

I believe that I will become pregnant if it is meant to be but I want to be able to plan things and work out my fertile time etc!!! I don't think sex once a month is going to help if you know what I mean! On the other hand, I would hate to think my pregnancy was one sided and he didn't want it. I would feel guilty for putting the responsibility on him and changing his life.

How should I tackle this? I want to get some straight answers from him without the coldness. Why won't he speak to me?

 

[Em78]

Hi surfgirl,

have you tried teling him how much it means to you to know what he really thinks about this? maybe if you sat him down and said that its ok if he isnt ready ( i was getting that you dont want to have a baby if he isnt ready- hope thats right) and that you want this only when its the right time for both of you but you need to know how he feels.

my hubby and i have been married six years this year (together for 10) and said we werent ready for a baby yet but were looking forward to it one day. then we had a little accident and prepared ourselves for possibly being pregnant. when it turned out that i wasnt we both had to admit we were a little disapointed. that was when we figured maybe we were ready afterall! sometimes it takes a little push to realise there is a difference between not being ready and just being a bit scared of the whole having a baby thing!

em x

 

[surfgirl]

Thanks for replying em.
You're right I do need to sit him down and talk about it, but I feel awkward. I think it is natural to feel scared of making the decision.
I guess it is easier just to let it happen and then deal with it. I can't help but feel like I am almost planning something behind my partner's back though, you know when I'm thinking about when my fertile time is etc.

 

[Em78]

i may be wrong but are you a bit reluctant to talk this through in case he decides that he really isnt ready yet and you'll have a definate no? i know that seems like the worst case at the moment but imagine if you do get pregnant and then he decides he's not ready? that will really be the worst case scenario

i know its hard - its like if you're late for your period and get your hopes up, i never wanted to test cos i was scared of the possible negative - all the while i didnt test i still had hope i think all the while you dont confront him there is still hope and you can carry on trying.

Hopefully the only reason that he's quiet about it is that the enormity of having a baby is settling on him, maybe he just needs some time to adjust. you may be driving yourself mad for no good reason and he is actually wanting this as much as you deep down - only one way to find out for sure!

em x

 

[beanie]

I do think you need to talk about it with him. It could be just that he finds it hard to talkmabout or get involved in. y OH said nothing about babies when we decided to try, and I felt like I waas the one babbling on and that he couldn't are less. When I was pregnant again he seemed quite distant, he said he found it hard as he wasn't bonded with the baby like I was. But he adores Seren, and is so happy that he is a dad. Talk to him, I agree with Em, if he has changed his mind then you need to discuss it. Hope everything turns out ok x

 

[*saulino*]

Hi

you should really talk to him about this.
Before i got preg with kiara bernie said he wasnt ready for another kid yet (has a daughter from a previous gf) i was on the pill and ended up getting preg and he knew i was before i took the test and once he saw the positive after i took the test he was so happy .
So guys may say they arent ready but really they might just be a little nervous but in most cases once they see that you are they cant help but be happy.
But make sure this is what he wants in the future as you dont want a nasty break up if you get preg .
Good luck
Katrina

 

[surfgirl]

Thanks again for replying to my post.

We have an amazing relationship and are soulmates. We are so alike and I always think we will get through anything. I'm sure though that other people have felt like this, and then something happens which destroys the relationship.

I am definitely going to discuss with him again to be sure what we both want at this time. Ideally, I would like to get married first as we have been together for 9 years! I live in the UK but we would love to do it in California as we love surfing. Don't want much do I!!!

It's great that everyone is so helpful on here.

 

[rusks]

Hey

I was in a similar position to you about 7 months ago when i was desperate for a baby but OH wasn't ready so i went back on the pill for 6 monhs and came off in feb when he said he was ready and wanting to be a dad now. Problem is its very lucky to get pregnant straight away like we all hope so maybe you could talk to him and remain laid back about the whole thing and like you say if its meant to be it will happen, the problem we seem to be having now is Sex is horrible and we're both finding it hard to get in the mood when all the passion has gone and its soully a baby making exercise, i wish i came off the pill last sept and remained a bit more relaxed where now i'm just so desperate and anxious that its not happening and wanting it so bad. At least if you can remain a little laid back about it you can work out your fertile times without him being so aware and then you can keep the magic and passion! best of luck whatever you decide.

 

[surfgirl]

You are absolutely right, rusks. It will be much better to relax and let things happen naturally without trying too hard. That way I won't feel as though it is one sided. I would hate my partner to think I only wanted to make love because I wanted a baby!

 

[Em78]

My hubby is a surfer too! not for me though, i tried going on his wave ski (one of thos canoe like things that you sit on and it has a paddle) which was fun but i am way too big to fit in my wetsuit anymore are you near any coast where you are?

I'm sure as long as you keep talking then you'll be just fine, i think the most successful relationships are the ones where above all you're best friends.

xx

 

[surfgirl]

We live on the east coast Em, so there aren't many waves! We go regularly to Cornwall though and stay in our camper van.We love it there.

 

[Em78]

ah we had a camper once too! he was that typical bright orange but was so cosy!

my dh loves to go to cornwall but we dont get down as much as we'd like.

think alex will have to like the ocean as daddy surfs and sails, grandad sails and other grandad windsurfs!

we are on not far from the south coast, very occasional surf weather but not too bad

x