Honest Opinions Required - Is this too weird?

[LouiseB]

Ok, so i've been thinking about something recently and i don't know if it's a bit weird.

If we want to conceive, me and hubby might need to use donor sperm. Hubby doesn't have a brother and to use a cousin would remove half of the families genes.

He does, however, have a sister.

And, i do have a brother...

So i'm thinking that if worst case scenario, we need donor sperm - that we'd ask my brother and his sister to both donate to create children that still contain DNA that would be as close as possible to the DNA that our own children would have had.

Ofcourse, it has it's issues such as both my brother and his sister being involved in our childrens life to a degree. Also they would actually be half siblings to my brother and his sisters own children instead of cousins...

My husband referred to the potential children as abominations but he was kind of joking based on my brother and his sisters personalities lol

The notion sits awkwardly with me - but i think ultimately it makes more sense than half me and half a strangers baby.

I don't even know if SIL would want to, but i think my brother would...

I dunno.

What do you think?

 

[Amyrose]

I can see where your coming from on it Lou for me and I know it's easy for me to say as I'm not faced with the situation I would rather a complete outsider I would always feel a little awkwardness around those who donated.


Edit: might I just say I am very happy to see you consider donation I so want to see you with a bfp. Xxxx

 

[maybe baby]

I get that Lou, but better to use your eggs if you can isn't it?

What about Hubby's Dad?

xx

 

[CARNAT22]

I can only imagine how tough and heartbreaking it is to face the possibility of having to go down this route BUT I have to be honest and say I think it is weird Louise. (((sorry)))

I think even if your OH did have a brother I would still find it weird BUT to involve so many people you are close to it just feels a little too much...

Is it really better to have a baby that is half your brother and half your hubbys sister than to have a bub that is half you and half a hand selected stranger?

I'd want my baby to be at least half of one of 'us' if at all possible?

 

[Binzy]

I'm sorry but I think it's weird, your brother and OH's sister aren't going to see it just as a noble donation, it's so much more emotionally complicated than that.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, I really hope you get your BFP this year Louise xx

 

[LouiseB]

You see, at the moment i'm thinking that i want the children to be accepted as members of the family and doing it any other way would exclude them from someone.

Using my eggs and hubby's dad would exclude hubby's mum's family.

Using a strangers sperm would exclude them from all of hubby's family plus the kids might look just like this random guy and not like me at all. Also, when they reach 18, they might want to go and find their real dad and then we'd have to make allowances for some entire random family.

At least using our siblings would mean they be proper members of both of our families and there would never be any strangers either in the child's personality or appearance or life when they get older. Imagine if they invited their biological dad to their wedding or whatever ^^

When we'd look at them, they still look like our family iykwim...

I've just text my brother to see what he thinks theoretically lol

 

[jules84]

couldn't you use a stranger's donation but miraculously get pregnant with hubby?

who need know?

I know a couple who adopted and the mother CONSTANTLY tells me when she goes out with her baby everyone will say "oh she looks like her mummy"

Obviously she doesn't correct them

Suppose it depends on how close you all are, I don't know.

Good Luck whatever your choice?

But do remember regardless of who donates what, YOU would be carrying YOUR baby for 9 months and would go through labour and you and your partner would love nurture and care for your baby so to me that means more than what happened at conception xxx

 

[LouiseB]

Thanks Jules

That is a benefit of a stranger i guess - that no one need ever know. I wouldn't even tell the kids if i can get away with it but the infertility counsellors go on about the childrens rights to know their biological family etc

 

[maybe baby]

Hopefully it won't come to this Lou, how long til next cycle?

xx

 

[CARNAT22]

It's a tough one, and as I say I can't imagine how hard it must be to be faced with this impossible situation.

I agree with Jules though - genetics means naff all compared to with what it means to be a Mum and Dad.

I think trying to keep the 'family tie' for OH's Mum and Dad is just too much to ask.... Surely they'll understand that if you even choose to tell them.

Same with the kids? If you decide not to tell them the who is any the wiser?

If you do decide to tell your kids where they came from in the future surely having your S-I-L and brother donate could be a lot more 'damaging' for kids to find out later in life than the fact they are the result of sperm donation?

xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[jules84]

I'm pretty sure you can get that anonymous donor thing where the people donating actually don't want to know, why would a child need to know?

As long as no difference is made of the child they're never going to know that they're not biologically yours.

I may sound sly lol but if it were me I would do it anonymously and tell no-one INC the baby :/

Definitely personal choice though xxx

 

[CARNAT22]

Thanks Jules

That is a benefit of a stranger i guess - that no one need ever know. I wouldn't even tell the kids if i can get away with it but the infertility counsellors go on about the childrens rights to know their biological family etc

Personally I think 'knowing the biological family' is a crock of shite! How many poor kids are fathered by useless, feckless, wrong'uns?

It's the family that want, love, cherish, protect and understand the child that really matter - not who produced the sperm!

Ideally of course Mum and Dad are 'biologically' involved but that doesn't make them any less Mum and Dad?

xxxxxxxxxxx

 

[jules84]

Thanks Jules

That is a benefit of a stranger i guess - that no one need ever know. I wouldn't even tell the kids if i can get away with it but the infertility counsellors go on about the childrens rights to know their biological family etc

Personally I think 'knowing the biological family' is a crock of shite!

It's the family that want you, love you, cherish you, protect you and understand you that matters - not who produced the sperm!

Ideally of course Mum and Dad are 'biologically' involved but that doesn't make them any less Mum and Dad?

xxxxxxxxxxx

Lol this made me laugh!

I agree it's who looks after you. Also unlike people who adopt you will have went through pregnancy and labour etc so nothing suspicious there that would make your baby question anything

I think it's probably nicer for your hubby that it's anonymous as he IS the dad, where your actually carrying it, women will have a much stronger bond. His has to develop as does every other father's , I assume it would be easier if he is the only father in your baby's life xx

 

[Amyrose]

I'm on another forum Lou and one of the ladies I chat to has just found out she's in early menopause and her eggs might not be good enough to conceive I'm not really educated enough to know the full Ins and outs of her situation but anyway she's looking into going to Spain for a doner where A it's fa cheaper and B the doner is anonymous so it's your baby and nobody need ever know.
Now matter how your baby is conceived or gets to be yours it will still be yours and your hubbies and I can't see either side of the family love it any less. You don't need to tell anyone about donation it's your business you and your hubby will be there from the second that little one is created and to me that makes him or her very much both your baby x

 

[Gizzy Kelly]

Hi Lou

Like Maybe said hopefully it will never come to this as you will get your BFP. Also I had no idea that a child concieved through a sperm donor has a right to know their biological family etc?? Is that 100% right?? I thought the whole idea of sperm donor was that it was anonymous??. I don't know much about this issue but surely you can decide whether your baby finds out or not??

Gizzy xx

 

[LouiseB]

Maybe - next egg collection will be around 1st March, supposed to be starting on the drugs mid-Feb

I'm due an AF and then the next one is the start of the treatment - getting close

I asked my brother and he was very "errrrrrm, i know my gf 100% wouldn't want me too. We'll see if it comes to it." which = no just in case anyone is unsure lol

At least i can cross it off my list of possibilities

Apparently some kids can have like a sixth sense of a parent not being biologically the same and there are actions groups where children in that situation demand to know who are their real parents, but i must admit that i figure that at some point we all feel alien to the rest of our family even when we are biologically related.

I'd be sly too. I don't even think i'd tell you lot if we used donor sperm - which now means you're all going to be wondering when i do get pregnant lol

Is it weird that i'd kind of want to get to know what the donor is like just to make sure he's a good person? Obviously that would never happen though because of hubby