Help Needed Ladies

[ConfusedMuchly]

OK, so.....where to begin? Sorry for the long post too.........

When I was growing up as a teenager I was madly in love with a lad I went to school with. We were best of friends though and at that age, I couldn't bring myself to tell him my feelings. He had a girlfriend anyway.
About 2-3 years after we left school, I think we were about 19 by then, his girlfriend was away travelling. Being great friends still, we hung out loads and we grew really close. So close, that I told him my feelings. Turns out he had felt the same the whole time too. As he had a girlfriend, nothing much happened between us......a few hugs, kisses etc, which we knew was wrong but there was lots of love inside that had been simmering for a long time.
Anyway, his GF came back from her travels and obviously, I was dropped....which left me mortified. We still kept in touch over the next few years and occassionally touched on the 'us' subject but nothing more came of it. He moved in with his GF and I met someone who I moved in with.
When we were 22, I got him a job with me. Although we both had partners I felt there was more to our relationship and that it was fate that we should be together. Over the 2 years we worked together, we grew incredibly close. We slept together a few times, something which neither of us are proud of as we had other halves at home. It just felt that it was meant to be. As we were older, we had more open conversations about being together but he said he couldn't leave his GF. I ended up leaving the company for a better job. On the day I left I explained that, with how close we had become, I wanted all or nothing. I wanted a relationship. More importantly, I wanted him to fight for me.
Unfortunately, that backfired on me. He didn't fight for me.
I married my partner 3 years ago. The whole time I had a niggling feeling about my old flame but as we hadn't spoken in so long, I let sleeping dogs lie. Last year, I had a cancer scare and thought I only had a matter of months to live, although everything turned out fine. This changed my outlook on life. The turn of the clocks on new years eve just gone, I knew I had to rekindle what should have been. Although Im married to someone else, I feel that this is the right thing to do.
I've been back in contact with him for a month now, only seen him once and nothing has happened between us. We've had lots of very long and very open discussions on our feelings and I hurt him when I left my job all those years ago and gave him the ultimatum. He didnt want to lose me......but couldnt leave her either.
Things have changed obviously. He is still with her although cares very little for her.
I really feel I need to persue this avenue.......but am I doing the right thing?

 

[rachaell]

Honestly if you arent in love with your husband anymore then you owe it to both of you to let him know and both have the chance to move on with your lives. But, if its only because of this other guy I would honestly say he isn't worth it, I think if he cared so much he would have left his girlfriend years ago, not just now it has fizzled out with her. It might sound harsh but I would hate you to loose your marriage over something which may come to nothing xxxxxx hope you find happiness with what you decide

 

[lisey]

Sometimes we create this ideal situation in our heads and imagine a wonderful life and outcome but its quite possible that you could leave your husband to be with this guy and its nothing like you have imagined in all these years.
I honestly don't think he sounds like he's worth it, he didn't fight for you and wouldn't leave his GF, if he didn't then, why would he now? Also, could you really trust someone if you had been with them whilst they were in another relationship. I know I wouldn't be able to.
Ultimately I think you need to evaluate how you feel about your hubby, its not fair on him that you are thinking of leaving him for someone else and its not fair if you stay with him just because nothing comes of it with the other guy.
I hope it all works out for you xx

 

[ClimbingRose]

Sorry but I'm going to have to agree with the other ladies, I think this relationship with your old flame is more fantasy than reality.
I know oh too well from personal experience of building up 'the one that got away' in my mind to something that would be amazing, if we could just find our way back to each other!
I would strongly recommend not chasing this, it has always been you to be honest about your feelings, you to get him the job, you to get back in touch. He has never once made the move, chased you, told you he is going to leave his girlfriend because he cant stand the way he feels about you. Just because now he's dissatisfied with her, that would be even more reason for me to avoid him, you are in theory second best, he would never leave her then, so why should you take him now?
I was pretty besotted with a guy who was married, we had an affair for a while, but I couldnt cope with being the secret or the pain it would cause to his family, so knocked it on the head. He never said at that point 'I want to be with you'. He stuck with his wife who he was apparently very unhappy with. When she finally found out what he had been up to, way past it actually finishing, she left him. And ever since he has tried to get back into my life, messaging me every year just after xmas saying he should've chosen me. (Thing is, he has another GF now, he is a serial cheater..) I am SO glad he never left his wife for me, or I'd be the one on the receiving end of his cheating ways.
What im trying to say is, (I know you cheated too.. but stick with me!) he was willing to cheat on his GF with you but not leave her, now hes bored, he wants you back, sort of.... I mean he hasnt actually left her.. I think this is alot to do with ego, he likes the way you make him feel... if you get together with him, I would put alot of money on him being unfaithful and eventually going off with someone who inflates his ego once the excitement of your relationship wears off.
I think it doesnt matter how much advice is given though, as having been in similar situation myself (I wasnt married, I was single) you just sometimes have to see something through to the bitter end because you cant bear the 'what if's' I totally get that, but 9 times out of 10 you will see it through to the bitter end, be devastated with the disapointing results and move on with a broken heart. The best thing about it is though, that you do move on, you realise you did everything, and it was never going to work. The spell of him has been broken and you'll see him in the harsh day of light. (not saying you'll hate him, but the obsession will be over and he'll just be a normal bloke to you!)
Final advice is, if you are unhappy with your husband - really unhappy... then leave, its not fair on him. But if this is all to do with your feelings for your old flame, I would not leave your husband.
If thats the case you'll have to be very strong and remove the old flame from your life completely, no contact. You need to get over him, and you cant have it all! It'll be hard, really hard, but after a while you will move on and hopefully life with your husband will improve, you might start to see his values, atleast he has always been there for you, you have always been his number 1, he loved you enough to want to get married to you. He sounds like the true good guy here, so dont discount him too quickly!
Best of luck with it! I do REALLY know how hard it is. xxxx

 

[ConfusedMuchly]

Oh my goodness Ladies, thank you so much for your kind words.
It's just what I needed to be able to think straight, something I haven't done for the last month!

Climbing Rose, your reply was spot on. Thank You so much.

It's nothing to do with not loving my husband...he's great and he worships the ground I walk on. It was just the what-if of the old flame and, as you quite rightly say, my mind creating a dream which would never ever turn into reality.

You really dont know how much this has helped me.


From the bottom of my (now on the straight and narrow) heart, THANKS!

 

[ClimbingRose]

Really glad our advice has helped. I know exactly what its like to be in that situation, you just get so caught up in the fantasy! Unfortunately I never listened to my friend when she told me time and time again not to bother, and it was going nowhere, I had to get my heart broken. But now I am so much more sensible and realistic.
Your hubby sounds lovely, you have got a real keeper there. xxx