Help. My son.

[Rooster30]

Hi all,

Just writing out of desperation really. My son is 3 1/2, from day one i've struggled with him. I got baby blues that turned into PND. He hasn't ever been easy. He had bad colic and refused sleep until I sleep trained him at 9 months. Weaning went badly and he still refuses to eat his main meals. Potty training, you guessed it, it went badly. It has honestly been battle after battle after battle. His sister turned up on the scene a year ago when he was 2 1/2 and he has never been nice to her... like ever. I had brushed it off as a phase to start with with but he continues to be horrid. Just now he bit her and he was not antagonised at all by her - she was sitting in her buggy quietly whilst I put the shopping away and then huge tears and my son looming over her and my daughter with bite marks on her fingers.

I just worry mentally about both my son and myself. The PND meant I never got that connection to start with - i thought it was fine and I love him, wouldn't want harm done to him. He's smart, clever and has a sense of humour. When his sister arrived I just bonded immediately and realised what I missed between my son and I. She hasn't given me any of the trouble he has (yet), she sleeps and eats and loves her brother to bits regardless of the punches she receives.

I don't know, I don't want to favour one over the other but my son is really pushing my limits and my patience and I don't know what to do or how to cope anymore. Every day I wake up and hope it'll be different that i'll handle situations better (I won't lie, I do shout sometimes), that he'll suddenly realise that what he does to his sister is wrong, and that it's good to poo in the loo and eat his dinner.

I don't know what i'm asking, just venting and worried that i'm not doing right by son I had called my HV first but they have finished for the weekend now and then we go on holiday next week so wanted advice ASAP. Cheers.

 

[Holi]

Massive hugs! I'm not going to lie your son sounds like a handful!! Everything you described sounds quiet normal behaviour however not many people have to put up with them all at once!

I have a terrible eater do completely sympathise! my daughter is still having cow and hate microwave meals (10m+) at nearly 3!! I bribe my lg all the time (finish your tea and you can have a treat - and I always have the treat visual through meal time just as a reminder as to what their reward is!) my attitude is if she atleast attempts something new each day I'm happy! Just now I got her to have 4 mouthfuls of Mac and cheese and that to me is a victory!! Haha

I think the most pressing issue is how he behaves to his sister (everything else will click eventually) does he say why he does it? Does he get much 1 on 1 time with you since little sis came on the scene? Cry for attention perhaps? I've watched my nephews/daughter be mean to each other for no reason now and again.

It sounds so exhausting and I really feel for you. And don't worry about shouting! I shout all the time!

I don't really know if I've helped at all but just wanted to say your doing fantastic! Have kids is bloody hard! And nothing is forever (even if it feels like it is!) xxx

 

[JD.Deedee]

I can relate my son had bad colic which I wonder whether it could be due to possible allergies as he reacts to yoghurts and milk with explosive nappies. His weaning was poor to start with because his milk made him throw up all the time, mainly after a stuck burp that came half an hour later or so. His teething made him throw up all the time too and all his teeth came in like three to four phases, first swollen gums, breaking through of the teeth, lowering and getting into position thus lowering a little more. This started about 4 months and happened every so many weeks in those stages with about a week or two in between. The only ever time he'd get a ridiculous fever was when teething. My oh always made me to go the doctor only to have it confirmed he was teething again with possibly something viral. But at some point it became obvious that it wasn't viral cause no one else would get it. Very distinctive from a sickness bug we figured once we got one of them.

At the two year check I had him referred for almost anything he can be referred for. It takes time for certain specialists and they have to rule somethings out like hearing, allergies that could be (part) responsible for certain behaviours that might be worrying as they just need extra support.

Starting nursery was no joy for us, he would cry, stay for an hour at the most and literally be traumatised. The minute he'd seen that gate he'd go awol. He's only just started and settled really well, however this time I went in with support. He gets his support from speech and language, he has say his own cup while all the other children have a generic nursery cup with water (my son has a drop of high juice because I'm in the situation where I rather have him drink that than just a sip of water then nothing and having a dehydrated child and those behaviours are worrying too so they need to be looked at), during the first couple of times I was allowed to stay longer than the previous nursery things like that.

I would suggest to ring the health visitor back when you're back off holiday or you could even try leaving a message with your number asking if your allocated hv could sent you a text so you can reply in your own convenience and booking to have her come and see you. They can refer you to anyone you want, so if you're worried about his eating ask for the paed and the dietitian. His behaviour would probably go through the paediatrician too they can refer further to cahms if there's need for even further investigation.

Do keep in mind that it takes time to be referred and to be seen. Certain behaviours can trigger symptoms of something else e.g. Lack of hearing can cause autistic symptoms without autism being present but that's why I would recommend getting referred now to get support where you need it

I was told once your child goes to primary school around 5 (which is when health visiting stops) they'll be transferred to the school nurse and from what I've been told it's harder to get all his help in place from that moment. I was also told in child forum, which is a meeting with all health professionals who discuss what course of action to take based on the results and having seen him in clinic and at home that regardless if the outcome has a diagnosis or not e.g. Autistic spectrum, hearing loss ect. Him and me will be given the support we require.

 

[JD.Deedee]

Sorry for that book work of a reply x

 

[Phoenix85]

There's a book called Connection Parenting by Pam Leo that may interest you.

It's really hard, I had similar with my eldest. Not the PND but the bond just never was as good with my first born as with my second and the toddler years were hell and his behaviour has always been challenging and has only really improved recently but now we have teenage hormones instead lol.

 

[Rooster30]

Thanks all. I just worry I am not doing right by him or I am doing something wrong. My patience is wafer thin and I get to the point where I worry I might snap at him for minor things as the day progresses. I start each day positively but things go downhill and by late afternoon I am really really stressed.

My HV sort of knows my struggle with my son and when I last saw her she did offer to come see us at home but I refused. The situation with his sister gets on my wick most of all. I do worry he does not get any one on one time with me. My daughter is very clingy and not walking yet, and since she eats everything I have to watch her at all times to make sure she doesn't choke on a toy or whatever she finds in the house. My mum suggested she have my daughter an afternoon a week so I can have time with my eldest but my folks are the most reluctant babysitters and this was a false promise (so far). My son, away from my daughter isn't as bad and I enjoy being with him. I'm gong to spend Sunday morning with him and take him out for lunch.

Whilst the sister situation is no.1 concern, a very very close 2nd is his disobediance and this always spirals into tantrums and issues way way past the initial problem (i.e. don't ride your bike in the house, he does't stop, I start the naughty corner countdown, he ignores it, screams and shouts and hits because he has to go to naughty corner... then gets told off for hitting, my calmness starts to dissipate very quickly etc etc etc).

I will be in touch with my HV after the holiday, and I am going to speak to my GP too to help with my anxiety as my mood is hitting a real low.

 

[tinselcat]

Hi

I'm not at that age yet but I read these 2 books and they stood out as having some really really useful tips. If you're currently struggling, I don't see what you have to lose at having a look & trying out some of the suggestions, from someone who is expert in this field?


Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Calmer-Easier-Happier-Parenting-Revolutionary/dp/144472990X

Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1444753452

Good luck xx

 

[Rooster30]

Thanks for that. I'll definitely look into getting those books. Things need to change. I'm hoping my HV can help once we get back from holiday too.

 

[babyslog]

Hi

I'm not at that age yet but I read these 2 books and they stood out as having some really really useful tips. If you're currently struggling, I don't see what you have to lose at having a look & trying out some of the suggestions, from someone who is expert in this field?


Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Calmer-Easier-Happier-Parenting-Revolutionary/dp/144472990X

Calmer, Easier, Happier Boys: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1444753452

Good luck xx

Thanks for this just bought the boys one.

Im having a terrible time with my almost 3yr old x