Help! Ambivilent partner.

[Surveyor]

My partner wants me to take the reigns in family planning. I have a bad case of baby fever but I know that now is not the optimal time. I have tried to give control to my partner and allow them to decide when we should start trying. I feel like I am in no state to make a logical decision (because of baby fever), but my partner doesn't want that responsibility either. What do we do? I'm not it a hurry or anything, but how do I open up a conversation about this?

Sometimes I feel like my partner doesn't really mind when we start trying, but I am afraid I might "jump the gun" and my partner will feel like it was a one-sided decision afterwards.

Advice???

 

[Elspeth]

I can't give advice, but was in a similar situation so I'll give my experience.

I have always wanted to have kids. As soon as we were in a position to practically start a family (had bought house and financially secure) then I was keen to start trying. I was just approaching 30 and my biological clock was screaming 'baby, baby baby'.

I knew my partner was not as keen as I was but he agreed to stop using protection. I told him we didn't know how long things would take. My mum had a hard time trying to conceive her kids and that was what I was expecting.

A few weeks later I got a positive pregnancy test and life changed forever. My partner was excited and he embraced the experience but I've always been aware it was a bit of a rollercoaster for him.

We decided to get married (shotgun wedding when I was 16 weeks pregnant) and had a very busy 9 months sorting this and preparing for baby.

On reflection I'm sad I missed out on having more grown up time with my husband before the hard graft of parenting began.... Gone on lovely holidays and weekends away. I know my husband has felt this way too.


I have talked with my husband about these 'regrets' and I've made peace with them.
Ultimately having kids was the most important thing to me and I count my blessings to have conceived 2 beautiful children with the man I love with relative ease. He doesn't hold any bad feelings and he's a wonderful father.
Luckily having kids has drawn us together and we are stronger as a couple.
It's hard to make a rational decision when all your brain is screaming out for is baby.

I'm such a pessimist, I'd expected to be going to the infertility clinic in 12months time, not getting pregnant straight away.
I wish I could have trusted things would be OK, maybe I would have made different decisions if I'd been more positive in my outlook
Anyway, no regrets now, just enjoying my beautiful children and will look forward to living it up when they are more grown up.

Good luck making your decision and with whatever path you take.

 

[babylove2016]

I can't comment but what a beautiful post Elspeth x

 

[Surveyor]

I'm also quite a pessimist when it comes to fertility and health. I am rattled with the fear of not being able to conceive or conceiving very late in life and dying early like my father. I know it's irrational, and fear shouldn't contribute to our decision making process. That's why I really can't really make a decision for us.

We are young and there is a lot in life we have yet to experience. We have sort of agreed on when to start TTC, but I reckon there is no reason to get my hopes up. It's kind of strange, after getting married and buying a house a switch flipped in my brain and all I've been able to think about is "baby, baby, baby". I see myself as a relatively reasonable, rational, person so this feels really out of character.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Stories like yours will be useful for me to reflect on in the months to come.

 

[Stayse3]

I'm kinda in the same situation.

My other half has an almost 10year old daughter and never wanted anymore with his then partner, now we've been together 3 years and he has mixed feelings about kids....says yes he wants another but at the same time no. He doesn't want another girl as he doesn't believe he could love a second girl as much as his first. But he wants a compromise in parenting....we were both brought up so differently and he wants the kid to be brought up the way he was, but I'm not keen on that at all. I want a child to be free to do what they want but also stay inside and do homely stuff and not be out getting into trouble.

He's not in a rush and says he's got like 5 years yet til it's end of the line for him but I'm 31....i want a baby now or else it's gonna be harder to conceive as the years go by, I don't even know yet if I can get pregnant and it scares me but he doesn't get that and I cry over it so much

 

[Surveyor]

UPDATE: DH has baby fever! Now he want's it sooner then I do hehe. I gave him space to think and let him know exactly how I felt. After a couple weeks he started bringing it up on his own and we started planning together. As of today the aim is to start TTC in April, but we are not currently actively preventing. I got my Nexplanon removed YESTERDAY so who knows what might happen next?

Stayse: So sorry that you're having such hardship over this, hope things work out for you. Calmly telling my DH how I felt and then giving him some space really helped us communicate better. Some men need time for ideas to ripen in their minds before being able to commit. Sending you good vibes!

-Sev