having a down day

[dyscochick]

I'm finding today really tough for some reason. I don't know if its mc related but its def initely not helping. With the events of the last few weeks i've got behind at work and now i just feel overwhelmed. Well i'm behind at work cos i've done things i hsould have, but noone knows i should have done them except cos i'm an academic so noone keeps tabs in that why but I know that I should have done it. I'm properly rambling but I just cannot motivate myself to do anything. and my job is ALL about the self motivation. some times academia is a blessing and others a curse! I could really do with the students being back so i had some structure to my day. sat in an office on my own knowing that noone knows or to be honest cares what i get up to on daily basis is hard work when you have other things on your mind. had horrible nightmares last night, at least i didn't wake OH up like last time where i literally shook him away in the middle of a dream screaming stop at him!

sorry, i'm ranting and whinging, sat at my desk in tears. My holiday was just before the mmc and now feels like a lifetime ago, i was on top of the moon when i came back from that, i couldn't have got any higher, fab holiday, getting engaged, being pregnant. I know I still have most of that but i don't have my LO. I should be 17 weeks today and i'm not. I pride myself on being able to cope with stuff, and i am to all intents and purposes (as far as anyone else can see), but to find that extra buzz to motivate myself into really hard work i just can't find. I said sorry then carried on, so i'll stop now, just needed to let it out.

 

[Hope81]

i wish i could just work and forget about everything and then wake up one day and be 20 weeks pregnant....

also dosent help that i have to do a hell lot of paperwork for a grant and i hate paperwork....

sorry i am not any helpful but i really hope one day for both of us all these will be far behind us as we have our LOs in our cuddle...

as about work....probably for me and you slacking at it is not an option lol so we will probbaly do it regardless

 

[dyscochick]

its grants, i just face the thought of another rejection. there is so little money out there that the chance of gtting a grant is less than 10%. today it just feels like building myself up for another failure, and i failed at being a mum too. i don't mean to sound melodramatic but i hate failing and (stupidly) would rather not so something than risk failure. with grant writing you just have to keep taking it on the chin, pick yourself up and carry on, and now that in personal life too. ha ha probably the only person who has compared grant writing to having a bay!

 

[Hope81]

after that grant believe me i dont even want a new one ever lol. and yep with the economic crisis now its so so hard to obtain a grant that i dont even see it anymore as a failure. is that what you suppose to do regularly?
i know that some people have to have at least a minor number of grants, published paper etc per year. is that what you have to do or is a personal choice, ambition etc?

 

[dyscochick]

we have a process of review of research universities every 5 years and we have targets for those. we have to publish 3 or more papers above a certain level, to reach what they call 3* or 4* levels of importance, ie internationally recognised. we are also judged on the research income we generate (ie what grants we get) and if i don't have grants i can't do research and without research i have no papers and might be pressured into moving onto a teaching only contract, sometimes i don't think that would be a bad thing but i do enjoy science, just not right now and as a career there are elements that are completely unsuited to family life!

 

[Hope81]

i see, i know people that have to do the same as you. and they struggle every single day especially now that research became somehow not the first priority for money allocation

i like research too but i would be miserable if i was doing only that. i enjoy teaching students and clinical duty too. i would probably be miserable without research too so i completely get it.

for me its impossible to get inspired and start writing papers and grants etc when the only think i cna think all day has clearly nth to do with research lol

 

[dyscochick]

exactly, i'm tired of it now, i love teaching but not sure i want to do it full time (although its far more compatible with family life!). the flexibility of academia is fabulous but thats because we are meant to be so driven and self propelled. And i am, mostly. just now, as you said, when there are other things in your head, focusing and motivating are hard!

btw had chocolate, sod the waistline!

 

[Hope81]

yeeey for chocolate!!! your waistline will be just fine you probably need + 2-3 kg anyway lol do you want me to donate you some?????????

going to find a diet chocolate lol maybe it will get me going back to my books

 

[kanga86]

Sorry to hear ur having a rough day dysco, must be that Monday feeling as I am not having that grea a day either, I should have been 20 weeks yesterday and after my scan today it's looks as though it could be a while before I get to ttc again it just sucks so much. I try to put a brave face onto everyone too, but back at home alone I'm am constantly over thinking things.

Sounds like ur job is quite demanding having to do research and papers etc, I finished uni last year and hated doing my dissertation! I would hate to have to do more than that! I can't really talk though, as I have a degree and I am still a cleaner! Quite glad my job isn't demanding during this time as I find I can't be bothered and end up hiding somewhere around the building to avoid working or talking to customers.

Chocolate sounds like a good idea!

 

[dyscochick]

What did you do at Uni Kanga? Yeah it's the side academia students never see!! Until they come into the lab, it's a bit of a shock to them I think that we do more than just teach! Right now I'd give anything fir a room of 120 students and some lectures to teach. Really must be bonkers. A lovely evening with my girl friends was just what the doctor ordered. Sad but ok xxxx

 

[kanga86]

I did geological hazards! All about volcanoes, earthquakes and landslides. I really enjoyed the course but rushed into it, so not interested in it now. Which is why I am doing my bookkeeping from home and working as a cleaner til that's done. Xx