Having a low day...

[buddabun]

I'm wondering today how anybody ever gets over loss. I still can't quite believe it happened to us twice in as many months and I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself today. It's like everybody in the world has children except me. People having them by accident and everything. I know it's wrong but I can't help thinking I deserve a child more than they do - they didn't even want them half the time!!

I know it's silly, it just feels like I'll never get pregnant and, even when I do, it won't stick. Plus it's taking forever for my stupid thermometer to arrive from the UK and I'm supposed to ovulate in 2 days (according to the really simplistic calculators) and I am feeling NO changes whatsoever.

Hubby and I have been BD almost every day for a week (we were both shattered last night) but I just know when it gets to AF time I will be so miserable again. It's silly but this time I just can't steady myself for the disappointment of AF and know I'll be a wreck. If I am pregnant then I'll be a wreck as well! Can't win!

Sorry guys, I just wanted to get it off my chest, I feel so alone in all of this sometimes. Does anyone else get days when they just sink back down into darkness?

 

[jsykes1975]

Absolutely!

It seems like forever when TTC, it's like wanting to forwardwind a couple of weeks every month, wishing your life away really.

When I lost Emma in May, I had to wait for post mortem results before TTC again and it was the worst part, not being able to do something constructive.

I was pregnant again the firts month in July but even then had mixed feelings, that I wanted Emma back and not the new baby. Then the guilt sets in.......

Being pregnant again def helps, a new focus, the feeling that you haven't failed.

And the evitable look ahead that it brings.

Don't expect too much of yourself. Better to air your grief here than to lock it away.

Your time will come soon and how wonderful for that baby to have such loving arms when the time comes!

Best wishes,

Julie xxxx

Emma Mary 18 wk miscarriage 02.05.08 Always missed

 

[HannahD]

oh sweetheart

I know exactly how you feel. All will be well them BAM, it hits you full smack in the face. I often want to scream "it's not fair! Why me?" I think it's especially hard when you actually want a child and actively start ttc then you see all these people with babies that you'd never noticed before and some aren't even wanted. It can be very hard some days. But your pain and grief are still very new and it takes a long time to get over loss. Don't be hard on yourself hun, you are allowed to feel sad and have bad days.

Take good care. Thinking of you and sending love and your way xx

 

[Melly+2]

Hun it will happen for you

 

[emeraldsroses]

I'm sorry for your losses. Been there, thought that too. It's difficult, especially when the hag shows up every month. At first I wasn't disappointed, but as time went on and every month she showed up, I got upset. I think there were only 2 months in which I didn't cry when AF arrived.

Let me tell you something that may give you hope. My (half) sister, who's only 23, is a mc survivor. She's had 3 mcs (pgs number 1, 2 and 4), but pg 3 went to full term. She's now on pg 5 and this one will hopefully go to full term. She was also devastated by the mcs, but she also held on to hope that she would get pg and have a healthy baby.

I assure you that it will happen. It happened for us, for her and for many other women who've gone through what you're going through now. Just relax, if your thermometre doesn't arrive, try ovulation sticks (you can get some off E-bay for dead cheap and they work really well) and don't make BDing a chore. Think of it as practice and as they say practice makes perfect

Good luck

 

[Slinky Sarah]

It is hard hun. nearly 8 months since the last one for me and its not really any easier.

Give your self time to grieve hun, dont expect to be over it.

It took 7 months to conceive bean when we started trying (10 months after the loss of Angel)

It will happen hun, try not to stress about it happenening, i know that is very very hard not to do. THe first few months were hell. I used to drive Lee mad and make him feel like all i wanted him for was a baby and that made him kinda resent me a little
The time we actually conceived was when we were staying at my brothers for my SIL's birthday after a night in the pub and drunking BDing lol.
Just relax a little, BD about the time you think your due to OV or even just when you feel like it. It will happen eventually hun...just seen it as good fun and practise

 

[Jaded Diamond]

Hey hun,
I'm sorry that you went through it twice so close together, well twice at all.
You never really forget your angel babies, they're with you forever. When I have a bad day I talk to them, ask them for love and support from their side. My last miscarriage was 2 years ago (we took a break as we'd had 7 in the space of 2 years) and I still cry about the losses and get bump envy, and this pregnancy I'm terrified, mainly because i'm not sure I could pick myself up again. So I find myself talking to my angels more often than not.
In 2007 we planted a rose bush in the back garden and thats theirs, thats my place I goto when I want to remember. It never stops hurting and the jealousy about other people having babies when you want it so bad doesn't really go away you just learn to ignore it, otherwise it does eat you up.
I hope it happens for you soon hun xxx

 

[trixipaws]

tbh, its much easier for me, i *think* i am over my miscarriage now after only one month- but i am almost certain the reason iv recovered so quick is because i already have a child. my beautiful little girl made me happy every time i felt down about it. i really think i'd still be mourning my loss if i didnt have her. i cant imagine how much harder it must be to suffer a loss BEFORE u have a healthy baby.
having said that, i dont know how i'll take it when my due date arrives. i can still remember it, 22nd july 2009 i might be a mess on that day, who knows. i was a mess for 2 weeks but once the bleeding stopped i think thats the point i "got over it". not that i'm not sad about it, i still miss my baby but i'm not depressed about it.

hugs to everyone

 

[buddabun]

You lot are amazing. Honestly, you had me in tears. It's incredible that a bunch of ladies I have never met (and will probably never meet) can be so caring and supportive to a total stranger.

Honestly I thought I was doing ok. I have been sad but not depressed about it and then, as Hannah said, it just hits you.

Trix, my due dates were 21st June and 21st July so it'll be a miserable time of year for us both I guess.

I don't know. I've always 'known' deep down that I wouldn't be able to conceive. Problems when I was younger have just burned it into my brain so having that first BFP was like some miracle for me. I know I can conceive but I'm hoping it's jsut bad luck that they haven't stuck around.

And yes, bump envy. I truly am a green-eyed monster at the moment. And the worst thing is, this whole little 'army wives' community talks. They all know about my first m/c (hopefully less know about the 2nd) as it's considered fair game for gossip (apparently) but only ONE PERSON has had the guts to say to me "I heard what you went through, it happened to me too". And that was only after a bottle and a half of Chardonnay! Everybody gets 'that look' in their eye when they see me holding my friend's month-old. I went out with a friend today who has a 9-month old and she carried him back to the car so I pushed the pram. "Oh it suits you Helen" she says, with a wink. Yeah thanks, RUB IN the fact that you got pregnant the first month you stopped the pill and I have been trying for ages, miscarried twice and STILL have nothing to show for it but a aching heart and an empty uterus. Really. It helps.

I know it's really bitter of me but it's just when people are so false!

Emeralds that story definitely gives me hope. The thermometer should arrive soon. And even if I get OPKs off eBay they will take just as long to arrive as we live in Asia (for a few years). As for the 'practice makes perfect', we seem to be able to keep our sense of humour about it. With such unromantic lines as "you know my period's finished" (that's going down in history as the LEAST sexy come-on ever ) and "shall we get on with it then?" we have remained good humoured and always have fun - it's not become mechanical yet.. yet lol

Mind you, we have been at it almost every day (I'm almost embarrassed by my FF chart!!!) and I just desperately want another BFP. Even though I've only been pregnant (knowingly) for a grand total of 6 days I just want that feeling back so badly. I found myself praying for morning sickness with the last one. Silly but there you go.

I know I should (and I do) count myself lucky for lots of things - I suffered no complications, it was very early on (not like you poor ladies who have lost them at 12w+. Just when you think you're out of the woods), I know I'm fertile now etc etc. But still. I'm feeling sorry for myself today lol.

Thanks again so much for your support. It's sometimes you just feel like screaming "WHY IS EVERYBODY HAPPY? DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME?!?!" and you know that nobody would understand except those who have gone through it as well..

So thanks ladies. Truly

 

[Slinky Sarah]

Hye your allowed to have low days hun. Hope you dont think i was being a bit off with saying about it being practice....i no its not that easy

I also am terrified about getting pregnant again. i honestly dont think it will ever happen again (getting pregnant i mean) and the thoughts of ever having a living child are slim to none to me atm.

Its good your not depressed about it hun. I would hate for anyone to be like i am about it...unable to let go of the hurt, pain and anger

It will happen hun

 

[buddabun]

I know what you mean. The idea of me ever actually holding my own flesh-and-blood baby in my arms seems abstract and surreal. There are so many things to go wrong.

And I didn't think you were being off. Most people who use that phrase just don't really know how to react to the news but I get it coming from you. I know the more chilled you are about it the better your chances but I cant be chilled any more.

Frankly I am pissed off that the one month I am not thinking about it, the one month I am happy being childless is the one month I get pregnant. Wonderful, great, except that then ends in tears. But oh no, I am left back at square 1, gagging for a baby, forgetting how it was to not be bothered!

*******s

 

[Slinky Sarah]

I no what you mean!! You feel like shouting FFS just give ema god damn break and let me have what i want!!!

I also love the ones that say, 'oh your only (almsot) 21, you have all the time in the world for kids'. Well yes you may have a point but the man i love is so severkly depressed he ended our relationship out of guilt thatr he killed our baby (was not his fault) and im left in limbo as to not knowing if their is a poroblem with me and sitting thinking well i wont find out till i have the 3rd miscarriage but knowing the third one would most likely be the thing that finishes me off!!!!

Would just be nice for people to come up, give you a massive hug and tell you to cry and let it all out. And then suddenly you are pregnant, in the later stages and in a few weeks a happy healthy baby pops out.

CAn wish right?


massive hugs hun...i no i sound like an utter rambling nut job (ok some truth in that) but im here anytime you need to rant or someone to listen and offer hugs

 

[Jaded Diamond]

Frankly I am p*ssed off that the one month I am not thinking about it, the one month I am happy being childless is the one month I get pregnant. Wonderful, great, except that then ends in tears. But oh no, I am left back at square 1, gagging for a baby, forgetting how it was to not be bothered!

Thats kind of what i'm scared of at the moment. This cycle was the first time we'd concentrated out Bd'ing around ovulation, I ovulated early and we'd only managed to BD twice i think it was that fertility friend classed our chances as "medium" I was preparing myself for next month. Since our last miscarriage in December 06 we'd split up for 6 months, went to miscarriage counselling which she worked on our break-up too. I'd started to get used to hearing g say that he felt nothing and there was no chance of us getting back together. And at the last counselling appointment he told us (me and the counsellor) that he wanted to give it another go. It was a week before a bender in Amsterdam that had been booked after we split up. Typical man haha. So its taken me a long time to grieve, to blame myself, and to trust him again.
I'm terrified that if this pregnancy goes wrong he'll shut down and go into robot mode again and history will be repeated.
Sorry I've just kind of rambled there and its probably no use to anyone.
Its taken me 2 years to try and prepare myself for putting myself, my heart and my emotions on the line again in the hope that this time will be ok. But I'm not sure I'll cope if this goes badly. Number 8 is meant to be a lucky number right? *crosses fingers*
Sorry for rambling. *gets coat* xx

 

[buddabun]

well in that case i class myself as incredibly lucky that my oh has been nothing but supportive. It must be awful to have to go through all that crap alone Hugs ladies

And the whole 'you're still young' thing.

Even the f*****g DOCTOR said that to me. She never told me I'd lost the baby oh no but in the follow up she told me i was still young and gave me advice you'd give to a pregnant woman (don't lift anything, no sex etc etc).

Yes, I AM still young, but that doesn't change the fact that I have lost TWO BABIES! I am SAD. I do not need a lesson on how lucky I am coming from someone who doesn't even know me lol.

A good friend of mine said to me "wouldn't it be wonderful to just wake up 4 months pregnant". And god yes it would!!!!! That's why I've vowed I will not test until I'm at least a week overdue. That way I'll be past 5 weeks and at least then I'll be further along than my last 2. I ALMOST made it to week 5 last time lol.

And yes, I'm glad I didn't m/c at 12 weeks and have to spend 3 months worrying about getting to that date again... But still.

I'm rambling too now

 

[HannahD]

Oh for the days when you suddenly realised you'd missed your period and were over half way through tri 1 !! Now, because we're so bloody intune with our bodies we practically know the day after conception!! I remember when I got my bfp it was 4 days before af was due and I already knew a few days previously so I was only about 1wk pregnant. Then the wait for the days to tick past, which goes SO slowly.

I reckon, if men had to put up the with sh*t women do the human race would've died out long ago. B*ll*cks to that they would've said!!!

AND the bloody platitudes that some people come out with makes you just want to hurt them!

Grrrrrr..

 

[Jaded Diamond]

Ooo the one line i hate hearing is "at least you know you can get pregnant"....
yeah but.. i don't know why i don't seem to stay pregnant. i could pull teeth hearing that line lol.
xx

 

[buddabun]

me too. twice now i've failed to support a little bean. so yes, maybe i can create them but i cant seem to hold on to them! So thanks, telling me "at least you both work" is so effing helpful lol

At least I didn't test before AF as the 2nd pregnancy was the longest 5 days of my life lol. Waiting and waiting, not wanting to go to the gym, not feeling well enough to go out. I just sat at home, on the internet looking up horror stories about miscarriages lol

Next time it happens (if it ever does) I am going to get on with my life.

But yes, wouldn't it be nice to have no clue about your cycle and suddenly wake up 18 weeks pregnant