Had enough now.

[Blueflower]

I’m just feeling really awful at the moment. It’s come to the point that it looks as if we won’t be able to conceive a baby at home and if it does happen it will be in a clinic or in a test tube! I never thought this would happen to me! I thought my life was finally on track but there’s the possibility that I won’t ever have my longed-for family. Why is life so unfair? I keep seeing friends on Facebook announcing pregnancies and new babies and I’ve really had enough. I feel unwell this week which doesn’t help.

I’m not sure that my OH is as keen on adoption as I am and I really can’t imagine bringing a child into our house that isn’t ours. We might never get to have our own baby sleeping in a cot in our room, instead we’d have an older child in a bed next door, it wasn’t what I imagined. And having to arrange letter box contact with its birth mother and visits with its siblings.

IUI is the next step now, but the success rate is low I’m not holding out much hope, but do need to try and stay positive somehow. Then it will have to be IVF which terrifies me! The thought of all those injections makes me feel sick or want to burst into tears.

I used to be positive but it’s just too dangerous, when you hope too much there’s so much further to fall. I’ve just had enough.

 

[Belfa]

I'm so sorry Blueflower, I donj't have anything constructive to say

I've got every faith it will happen for you though, there's been some really positive stories from ladies who have been trying for a long time on here and I hope that in some way you can see light in those stories.

 

[nellybelly1234]

didnt want to read and run.but i wish u all the luck in the world and hope u get ur bfp soon xxx

 

[Bethyboo87]

One step at a time, don't fret about things that don't need to happen yet. Big hugs xx

 

[Browneyed Girl]

Hi hun, sorry you're feeling like this. It is so so hard to keep going with this ttc lark! It should be the most straight forward thing in the world - meet a guy, settle down, have babies and it seems like that is the way for everyone around us except us! I have pondered the unfairness of it all and there is no logic. I have felt a little better the last month or two because I have opened my mind (just a tiny chink mind you) to the possibility of a life without children and I really need to work on feeling that that is an acceptable alternative. For some reason deep down I feel like I'm not a proper woman if I don't ever have children, that people will always pity me, that my life won't be valid because I've not got what everyone else has got. I think that in a way that's the biggest fear of all, even more than not having my own children. I do want my own baby but I think there's a lot more to it than that and working on my confidence and self worth will actually help me face whatever the future holds.

I don't think adoption is for me either, a work colleague adopted a couple of years ago and my eyes have been opened to what is involved ie contact with the birth family. I know me and I don't think I could handle it. I have massive amounts of respect for those that could though.

Do you have a phobia about needles/hospitals etc? To be honest I just want to get to the goal of having my own baby and I'm sure although not pleasant to go through the joy of having your baby at the end of it would more than outweigh any negative aspects. Perhaps you need to really think about the IUI/IVF and get some more information to put your mind at ease. There will probably be a very good chance that it will work for you - maybe even first time! We will be going down this route in the new year as unfortunately my recent bfp hasn't stuck. Given that i was trying nearly 2 years to get it I will be glad of some medical intervention but I agree it's not how I imagined it.

I think the trick is to try and be positive that you will have a good life whatever the outcome of this and try and focus on other things as well. Easier said than done I know xxx

 

[Browneyed Girl]

Sorry I've just read the above and realise that it's my thoughts about my future and not necessarily what you want to hear. I hope you get your much wanted baby very soon and I'm sure you have every chance especially with professional help if need be even though it's not the way you wanted it. The point I was trying to make was about finding some balance in the meantime so ttc doesn't suck all the enjoyment out of life but I realise it didn't come across very well sorry! xxx

 

[Blueflower]

Thanks for the replies. That's ok Browneyed Girl, I usually am positive about it all but today I just felt overwhelmed! The thing with me is my age as well so however much I tell myself it could happen one day there's a cut off point.

My life without children so far has been fine and fun, but its something I've always wanted and been waiting for. I've always worked with children and was so looking forward to having my own. And being adopted myself I think it would be unfair for my adoptive mum and then me to not be able to have children.

I do hate needles but I will force myself to do the injections if I have to!

That must be so horrible to finally get your BFP and then miscarry, I can't imagine how devasting it is.

I'm sure I'll feel better soon! Today has been uncertain because I don't know if we're having IUI next week or not and something happened at work that just sent me over the edge as well!
Hopefully this is just a low moment and things will start to look up!

 

[laurat]

Im sorry you are feeling like this Blueflower and I feel I do know how you feel. I hit a very low point at 3 years ttc (one mc) and when the realisation that having a baby was not going to happen naturally it seemed so unfair and heartbreaking as well. It is like another level and then the possibility of disappointment gets heightened. Everyone else seemed to be having one then two babies and it just all hits you. The idea of adoption is something that at the moment you could leave on a back burner and face it when/if that point comes around. You can spend so long thinking about the future and worrying because it is all you think about.

I found what helped me was to push myself into focussing on each stage at a time ie. clomid, letrazole, then IUI as it can all become far too much. If IUI is the next step then just think of it. You have a chance of it working. The injections I found truely arent that bad at alll because you just think of it as another step closer to a baby. I hope I dont sound condesending and that you get your longed for baby as I did. I wont ever forget the heartache to get there. It is one shit and tough journey that you have to stay on!!

 

[Browneyed Girl]

It would be incredibly unfair if you were also unable to conceive but there is every chance that IUI or IVF will work for you. I worry about age as well as I will be 36 in February so it does play on my mind but you can be young and have the fertility of an older woman and vice versa. I've been told my levels are good but I've had to have all the tests redone and I should get the results early next year - depending on those my panic could be back on! I am totally with you regarding needles, the first time I needed blood taken I had to lie down for about 15 mins afterwards, at my last appt they took about 8 vials and I was ok so definite improvement although still not nice.

There's so much to think about and I agree that it is probably best to break it down and just concentrate on whatever stage you're at. When will you find out whether you're doing IUI next week? Sorry I don't know much about the process yet.

I am upset to have a second loss but I was very cautious this time and saw it coming. The first time was out of the blue and broke me so apart from a later loss nothing will affect me that much again.

Hope you're feeling better soon xxx

 

[gemmainthesun]

Hey Blueflower, I know how u feel, as do most of us, its just such a horrible thing to go through isnt it. But like others have said, 1 step at a time, dont think about ivf yet, but u know its alot less scary than it seems. IUI worked 1st time for my sister in law... but i know none of this really helps xxx

 

[Dee28]

I'm sorry you feel crappy blue flower. We just got from being told IVF is out best chance of conceiving and I can't believe its come to this. I know I am truly blessed to have my nancy but the desire to have a second has been overwhelming. IVF terrified me too, it'll be a one time chance to self fund and that's it. Some days the unfairness of it is overwhelming. Good luck with the iui xx

 

[Londongirl]

Blueflower - wish I could find the right words to say but I can't so I'm just going to give you a big virtual hug

I'm rooting for you so much - I really really hope it happens for you. Us ltttc ladies are seriously overdue a bout of good luck!

Xxx

 

[Lucyboo]

There's not much I can say, I'm new to all this... But also sending a hug... I can kinda tell how you are feeling. It's so painful. Xxxxx

 

[Blueflower]

Thank you! Yes I will try to take it one step at a time! Its probably because I'm straddling clomid and IUI at the moment and I won't find out if we can do the IUI until tomorrow or Friday. And then there's the possibility that there won't be the right amount of eggs for it. But hopefully it will be fine!

That does help Gemma, coming from one of you its helpful. Its just when people who haven't been there say 'relax and it will happen' and that sort of thing! Seen your signature, that's good news!

I worked out that if I ovulate when I expect I will, my BFN/BFP will be around Christmas day! Gulp!

 

[hayes]

Really hope that you get the bfp you deserve hun, i am always thinking of you and all the other lttc ladies cant wait to see you all in the bfp section.

Michelle. x

 

[mishi]

Hi honey,

I know it's incredibly difficult, but try not to let your mind wander too far into the future. Try and concentrate on this cycle and what's happening now.

If you need to have ivf, you will have the strength to do it. Honestly the thought of it is way more daunting than the actual thing. It's does suck that making a baby has to be so clinical for a lot of us, but when that baby arrives, it will make the whole thing seem so very, very worthwhile.

I too am older, I'm sure older than you, and worry hugely if I'm ever going to get my take home baby. But we have to take things a day at a time my love.

Sending lots if positive thoughts your way and hoping your iui goes ahead this week.

xxxx

 

[Blueflower]

Thank you so much, that's really helpful. I've just checked and we are the same age, that makes me feel better too!

 

[Belfa]

Was your appointment yesterday? How did you get on? xx

 

[Blueflower]

Its today! I'll let you know later!!

 

[Belfa]

Good luck!! x