So difficult - bit long!

[mandspice]

It’s very early days, I miscarried only a week ago, but all I can think about is trying again – not yet but within a couple of months. However, my OH wants to have a break. Our pregnancy wasn’t strictly planned, although we weren’t not trying if you see what I mean.

Although we’d been together less than a year and only recently moved in together, when I fell pregnant we were really happy and prepared to put our plans to go on holidays etc on hold. Now we’ve lost the baby OH wants to pick up where we left off and enjoy our time together, have some fun and not rush into anything again. I can understand where he’s coming from and I know deep down that our relationship is the most important thing. BUT all I can think about is having another baby and I don’t think I’ll be happy til I’m pregnant again – I feel empty. He’s 26 and I’m 30 so age is a slight factor too, I guess I’m more “ready” than he is. I’ve had two previous ectopics so my fertility is questionable and the bottom line is I don’t want to wait and then find it’s too late.

I feel hopeless because everyone keeps saying “I’m sure you’ll get pregnant again soon” but I can’t unless we both want it……..Should I try and convince him or should I respect his wishes and wait a year or so..??

 

[babydust]

thats a difficult one, i to lost my baby just over a week ago but we havent had the conversation of trying again i am just taking it for granted that we will try asap i also had a m/c in january and my dh didnt want to try again so soon as he wanted to get some money saved, do up house, go on holiday and he said i should pass my driving test first, this caused arguments for a while until one night we sat down with a few drinks and i told him that i thought he was being unfair and he shouldnt use the m/c as a chance to change our plans. I spilled out all my feelings about how much i wanted to be pregnant again and how empty i felt he then said that he was sorry for the way he was being and didnt realise how much i wanted it. Sorry if this doesnt make sense and sorry for it being a bit long but the bottom line is i think you really need to sit down and talk and explain all your feelings to him, it could be that he is scared of it happening again, men seem to be rubbish at dealing with their emotions.

 

[mandspice]

Thanks Claire, it's a difficult situ isn't it, we have discussed it but he tends to try and avoid the subject - I guess it's too early and we need to wait to see how we feel but I'm so impatient.

I actually sent you a mail the other day but it wouldn't go through for some reason - do you have an email address? xx

 

[babydust]

i know im the same i cant wait i just want to be pregnant NOW, I know alot of people say give your self time to get over it but this is my 4th loss and from experience trying again straight away makes dealing with it so much easier, not to replace the lost baby but to fill the emptyness thats left behind, sorry im babbling on again.
i think my dh is scared to come near me incase i jump on him

Dont know what is going on with email then, i have sent u a pm.

 

[mandspice]

Hey

I don't have anything from you in my inbox but the one I sent you has now moved from my outbox to my sentbox....weird

But I feel exactly the same as you - I guess it may be a feeling that eases with time?

Have you had investigations into why it may have happened to you more than once? xx

 

[babydust]

they havent given us any answers we had all the genetic testing after the 2 nd one but all came back clear then i had my 2 daughters without any problems then a further mc in jan then a pregnancy that ended in termination because of severe ?chromosome problems so im starting to wonder if the other losses were ?chromosome problems too but both me and dh have had the all clear through blood tests its really frustrating not knowing what has went wrong, i get the genetic results on tuesday, In a way i want them to find something that i can blame for it but fingers crossed its not something that can happen again, but its hard to beleive that all this is down to just bad luck, you must feel the same? I also spoke to dh tonight about trying again and he would prefer if we waited for at least one cycle which i agreed on, so bft fairy better be ready next month
we could be in 1st trimester soon

 

[mandspice]

Oh, I hope so although I don't think I'll enjoy the 1st Trimester too much, just want to get to the 2nd!

That's it, it would be so much easier to accept if you had could blame it on something, then you could maybe prevent it from happening again. I had an unexplained DVT a few years ago and from what I've read it could be the cause - well, the fact that my blood clots too much means that clots can get to the placenta and cause miscarriage. I'm going to speak to the doctor and see what they think, as it could be prevented for next time.

It must be so frustrating for you but I'm happy for you that you've been blessed with two healthy children, it must make you never give up hope

Each day is getting easier, are you finding that? In fact, it's weird, but I had no bleeding at all after the D&C but last night I started bleeding a little and it felt just like a period - is it possible for it to come a week after the op???! I hope so...

xxx

 

[babydust]

i only bled the day of the d&c and a very little the next day which was unusual for me i usually bleed for over a week, i think everyones cycle takes different times to start again. i have been feeling ov cramps for for past few days so i dont expect af to arrive until 2 weeks, unless the BFP fairy pays a visit . It sounds like it could be af for you, sorry for bringing this up but you said that your baby had passed away a few weeks b4 the scan so the pregnancy hormones may well have reduced down b4 you had the d&c enabeling your cycle to start up quicker.
Has the dr said anything about you taking baby asperin to prevent clots someone had posted about taking this on the ttc page.
Well i better go and pack now im going down to my sisters for the weekend she stays in Bournemouth so im looking forward to seeing her and getting away from this rain here i will be back on on Sunday.

 

[mandspice]

It's good that you're having OV cramps though, shows your cycle is getting back to normal - I suppose having a D&C "helps" to make things "neater" - sounds horrible, but you know what I mean, it gets everything back to normal quicker

yes, I was thinking that because I lost the baby weeks ago my body may have been getting rid of the hormones for a while, although on my usual cycle AF would not be due until 2 weeks time but the body is strange. It's good though as it means I can hopefully predict ovulation.

Docs didn't mention baby aspirin, I was due to start anticoagulant injections to last throughout the pregnancy but I can't help thinking they were started too late...??

Anyway, have a lovely weekend - be nice to get away. I'm off to my Mum's in Norwich, can't wait to see her. Speak soon xxx

 

[babydust]

hi how was your weekend? thought i would be better sending a message here as i dont know if the pm is working. i had a really good weekend at my sisters the sun was great, but got home last night and the bloody rain has not stopped its even more depressing I took my little girl to her induction day today at her nursery and had to tell about 3 different about the baby, i thought i was ok about it but i started to get really upset when talking about it, it seems so different when typing about it here.
It was good to see dh mind u and he seemed to really miss us, we decided we were going to try again right away, but it will not be a relaxing time when we get a positive, i used to think i will relax after i get to 12 weeks but so much more can go wrong. Have you talked with your oh yet about trying again?

 

[mandspice]

Heya, glad you had a nice weekend. I had a lovely time at my Mum’s too. Came home yesterday and was sooooo happy to see my OH too, he kept saying how nice it was to see me smile at last – so I think I’m feeling better but like you it’s still really hard when you talk to people about it, especially people who don’t know yet.

Oh, that’s great news that you’re going to try again asap, it will be hard but at the same time maybe you’ll be more prepared if something did happen – sounds horrible and am sure you will be lucky this time but that’s how I think I’m gonna have to deal with it in my head when the time comes……Haven’t discussed much more with OH as am just starting to feel better and we’ve laughed together for the first time etc etc so I don’t want to upset things if you see what I mean – last week we left it that we’d discuss it again in a couple of months and see how we feel. It’s just hard cos we’re using condoms at the moment and it feels symbolic, like we’re stopping something from happening naturally….but the better I feel the more willing I am to wait a few months – not too long though!

Will you wait for a cycle or try straight away? x

 

[babydust]

good you had a good weekend too
we have decided to go for it straight away rather than waiting for one cycle, i phoned my midwife up she said that the only reason they tell us to wait is for dating the pregnancy but im sure i will know straight away and i will defo be having scans every week. We should get our results tomorrow about what chromosome abnormality the baby had so im really nervous, i dont know what to expect, the good thing is me and dh got the all clear for genetic abnormalities that can be passed down, so whatever it is i think that it has just been a bad line up of the genes and very bad luck.
I think you are doing the right thing not rocking the boat with oh if he doesnt come round soon, just get him drunk one night near your ov of coarse and see what happens

 

[babydust]

good you had a good weekend too
we have decided to go for it straight away rather than waiting for one cycle, i phoned my midwife up she said that the only reason they tell us to wait is for dating the pregnancy but im sure i will know straight away and i will defo be having scans every week. We should get our results tomorrow about what chromosome abnormality the baby had so im really nervous, i dont know what to expect, the good thing is me and dh got the all clear for genetic abnormalities that can be passed down, so whatever it is i think that it has just been a bad line up of the genes and very bad luck.
I think you are doing the right thing not rocking the boat with oh if he doesnt come round soon, just get him drunk one night near your ov of coarse and see what happens

 

[mandspice]

I’m excited for you, even if we don’t try soon I’ll be following your progress and will keep everything crossed for you. I called the hospital today just to see if there was any news from my analysis and they were abrupt and just said “the lab would contact you if there was” – I know it’s my first “proper” miscarriage but I’ve had 2 ectopics so kinda wanted SOME extra reassurance!
It’s good that you’re getting everything investigated though, in some ways if it is just bad luck it makes it easier to deal with as you know there’s still hope
Hehe, yes, am gonna try not to make a big deal out of it and just see what happens naturally

xx

 

[babydust]

thats terrible these people should having training on how to deal with people in delicate situations . I also had analysis done in january after my m/c and it was weeks later when a letter came through the door infact you could hardly call it a letter it had one sentence on it saying that everything tested was normal, no explanation or even follow up, this kind of thing should be said face to face so you can ask the questions needed and get reasurrance. How has your gp been about it have you had any reasurrance from them.

I dont really know about ectopic pregnancies and what causes them but someone should surley be able to tell you if your recent loss is linked to the ectopics and if it was due to your blood clotting factor.

Dont cross everything then you will never get to first trimester

 

[mandspice]

Ok, maybe I’ll get a letter eventually then. But yeah, the NHS haven’t exactly gone out of their way to help! I’m seeing my GP next week so hopefully she’ll be a bit more helpful. From what they’ve said the ectopics aren’t linked to the miscarriage but it still worries me cos I’m 30 now and everything that’s happened plus my age means I’m probs not the most fertile person…….. Spoke to OH today also and he def wants to wait a while, keeps saying we have plenty of time – I don’t feel that way at all but hopefully we’ll come to a compromise

Hahaaa, well, maybe not everything then!

How old are you if you don’t mind me asking? 

 

[babydust]

hi there im 30 too, dont start worrying about your age 30 is still verry young, you do have plenty of time to have a family, i know its easy for me to say that as i already have 2 kids but most of my friends are a bit older than me and they havent even started a family yet. But i know it must be so hard to wait to try again it seems cruel, i would be the same as you, but the most important thing is that you and oh are ready together
My gran just phoned me there she wants to take me out shopping this should be fun, a 3year old, a 4 year old and a blind oap i suppose it will stop waiting for the phone to ring with the results.
speak to u soon.

 

[mandspice]

I guess so, I just feel old sometimes, but I do understand his point of view as we’ve only been together 11 months. I suppose should think myself lucky as this time last year I was single!

Sounds like fun, hehe. Let me know when you get your results, speak soon xx

 

[katyk]

I'm 30 too, and you are right we should seize the day as after 35 it gets harder to conceive, carry to term etc (not that it can't be done, by any means )

 

[mandspice]

I agree, it scares me to think that time could be running out although it's probably paranoia. I don't want to be an "old" mum either!

Are you going to try again katy?