Gender disappointment. Really struggling

[Ljd401]

I feel awful feeling this way. I'm so upset to be having another boy that I'm now unable to enjoy the pregnancy. This will be my last pregnancy and my dreams of having a little girl have gone. I don't know what to do because I'm crying all the time and I can't sleep. I feel like my sons deserve a better mother. I was disappointed when my first turned out to be a boy. Seriously struggling and feel like such an awful person.

 

[holli]

Didn't wana read and run, I'm sure your a fantastic mummy and when your little boy arrives you will love him regardless, or does sound like you need some help though Hun so maybe speak to your midwife or doctor see what they can offer you in terms of support and although I feel awful saying this depression my midwife keeps asking me how I'm feeling as it's very common feeling the blues while pregnant as our hormones are every where! This is my first pregnancy and we find out the sex next week and I'm a little anxious as my oh really wants it to be a girl also he's convinced himself it is and I'm nervous incase of how he will react if it turns out to be a little boy, as long as baby is healthy that's all that matters but I really do think you will love your baby boy no matter what and think you should speak to some one on how your feeling sending you (((hugs))) xxx

 

[Ljd401]

You're so kind for replying. Thank you. I've suffered from depression in the past and feel similar to how I did before. Can't eat, sleep and can't switch my mind off. Wish I'd never found out the gender. My own silly fault. I hope you get the gender you hope for xxx

 

[holli]

That's what we are here for, if this feels like your depression again Hun I'd deffo go see your doctor she/he will know what to do, a lot of people are dissapointed with gender especially if it's the second or third and they would like at least one of each sex but not many people are lucky enough to get one of each, majority get either both girls or both boys, if this is your last baby just think one day you will be a nannan and that could be a granddaughter for you to spoil xxx

 

[Emily0505]

Aww hun. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this

I really wanted a daughter and my first born was a boy. I felt sad at first and that was quickly over taken by guilt and worry that my son would think I didn't love him, when I loved him so much already.

When we tried for our second, I had 3 miscarriages before having a successful pregnancy. Again I hoped for a girl and I couldn't believe it when the sonographer told us it was a girl. I was convinced it would be another boy! I would have felt disappointed and sad, as that was our last baby and I'd never get my daughter.

A lot of people don't understand gender disappointment. It's about grieving for what you haven't got, not that you don't want what you have. You'll love your boys with every fibre of your being but you'll grieve the daughter you'll never have. If it's really affecting you, then definitely speak to your MW or GP and get some support.

XX

 

[Ljd401]

Thank you for understanding. It seems like everyone around me has girls and I feel like this was my last chance to have a girl. It is like grieving for something you'll never have and I feel so so awful for being so upset when other people can't even have children. Think I definitely need to talk to someone. My husband doesn't really understand and I just feel so alone. Xx

 

[GBLiz]

Hi, you have got some great replies and I'm glad you have felt able to share your grief. I was devastated when my last pregnancy was found to be a boy, for complex reasons. But when he came i simply adored him. But its different for me, i already have a girl. I know you will love your next boy and be a great mum but as already said its not about that but grieving the girl you never had, if you are not having any more children (is there a particular reason why not?)
I know this probably doesnt help much but a friend of mine had 3 boys all almost grown up, and now they are forming commited relationships she is finding she is getting the have that daughter relationship after all, all these years later.
I hope you can work through this grief somehow. I do feel for you and feeling guilty about it on top is probably the worst part of it.

 

[Wednesday]

Totally understand that feeling.

I wanted a girl the first time and found out at 16w that it was a boy. I had a couple of days where I was a bit disappointed but I had to pull myself out of it. I went shopping and bought lots of boyish things, it really helped.
.

Im now 28 weeks with this baby and we havent found out what it is. I think its a boy, but I really would like it to be a girl... but, nothing I can do about it... so will just wait! I think it will be harder to be disappointed at the birth

 

[TORino]

I’ve not found out the gender for this very reason. I think I’d be feeling similar if I’m pregnant with another girl.

Like Wednesday said, I’m hoping it will be more difficult to be disappointed at the birth.

 

[kanga86]

I too suffered with gender disappointment when I was pregnant with my 3rd boy. It wasn't that I didn't love him and do anything for him, it was the grief of not having a girl to raise and to experience the other gender. I also felt extremely guilty about him having hand me downs from the other 2 boys and I was so anxious about the comments from others about wishing he was a girl, or you going to have another to try for your girl etc

I was anxious for the whole pregnancy and then we had issues with reduced movements and him being below the 5th centile so I felt even more guilty than I felt like I didn't want him when I first found out he was a boy. After all we all want our babies to be healthy and he was.

He is now 18m and I wouldn't be without him he is such a character and so different from his brothers. Do I still grief for my girl? Most definitely, I think I will always feel what if I had a girl and what it would be like and dream of our relationship as she got older etc. But I think that is totally normal, but it doesn't rule me anywhere as much as it did when I was pregnant.

If you want to chat, I'm happy for you to pm me. Be kind to yourself xxx

Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk

 

[Ljd401]

Thank you so much for all your replies. It's nice to be understood. My mum and husband don't really understand it. I definitely feel like I'm grieving for something which I know sounds ridiculous but it's so true. I'm annoyed at myself for finding out the gender because I feel I would have been better with a surprise. Just feel sorry for the baby because its not his fault he is a boy xx

 

[Loveandpeace]

I think gender disappointment is quite common, its just that not a lot of people wish to admit it. I reckon most people would like one of each gender at least and I probably would too. It doesnt help when there is that saying of having a 'gentlemans family', I mean who the f**k came up with that?! Like its NOT a gentlemans family if you dont have one of each? I hate it when people use that statement.
Dont feel bad about it, as hard as it is. My best friend said she cried when she found out she was having her third boy and went into a bit of a depression. Obviously now she loves all her boys to bits and the feeling passed, although she would always say she would have liked a little girl along with having her wonderful 3 boys.
My other friend is due her 2nd boy a few weeks after me in March and admitted to feeling a little disappointed as she said she just always saw herself with a little girl, like a mini her. She is over it now as her wee boy would rather have a brother than a sister and is happy and she accepted it.
My Grandmother on my Dads side had 8 (YES EIGHT) sons! No daughters!

I am expecting my first and secretly I would like a boy. I think my husband would too. Obviously we will still be madly in love with our baby if it is a girl but its ok to have a preference and doesnt make the love any less.
xx

 

[Pancake]

I originally always wanted a boy and a girl, I got my boy and then... another boy. But honestly, I am now so worried I’ll have a girl! I know I don’t care really as long as they’re healthy, but two boys have been the best thing that ever happened to me. They’re so close (despite a 4 and a half year age gap) and I feel so incredibly blessed to be a mother of two boys. I promise that the feeling will go x

 

[nat206ttc3]

I have two boys who are 10 &7. I really wanted a girl when I fell pregnant with my second boy. I got over it quickly and when he was born he was simply amazing! He is such a cuddly mummy’s boy and he is so close to his brother. For 6+ years my husband and I thought we were finished having kids when we decided to have one more, which I’ll be having next week and it’s a little girl. You never know, you might decide to have another.

Gender disappointment is common. Big hugs, you will love your boy unconditionally when he arrives x

 

[Holi]

I have two girls. We found out with DD1 and I was thrilled cos always wante a girl, oh was a little dissapointed which he soon got over when she arrived. We then got pregnant with DD2 and we didn't find out gender. DH was desperate for another girl! I on the other hand 'thought' i didn't mind and even outwardly said it would be easier having another girl, save money and DD1 would love a sister. All the above is true, however even now with a 4yr old and 18m old I still wonder what life would have been like with a little boy. I think about it all the time! Drives me crazy! Wouldn't change my kids for the world just have a lot of what ifs!

I don't dare go again cos I think if I had 3 girls I would get fully fledged GD which I just don't think I could handle.

Just wanted you to know your not alone! And I promise you when he's here you will see so many positives to having the same sex! Will you still think about it, probably now and again - but it will not be all consuming!

Xxxx