A post on "Gender Disappointment": food for though

[Fingers crossed]

Well said Sharne. I've seen posts in the past where someone has talked about wanting a certain sex and I've been so tempted to post and tell them how lucky they were to even be PG rather than stressing about the sex. I was so happy to become PG after over a year of trying and having tests done and being on clomid, I didn't care what-so-ever whether I had a girl or boy.

 

[Miss.Monroe]

how did i miss this thread!?

anyway well done everyone for keeping it civilised despite our pregnancy hormones!


i got very uncomfortable reading about the gender worries that a few people had posted. the matter of the sex of a child to me seems insignificant. i was scared to death of loosing this baby as soon as i found out i was pregnant.

only yesturday i heard my friend was in hospital after having a miscarrige. and i feel so bad for her, seeing as im pregnant.

back on subject, sometimes i get myself down thinking about the housing situation im in (im sure most of you know what im talking about) but then other times i just want to slap myself and remind myself how GOD DAMN LUCKY i am! i just couldnt even quantify the heartache that must come with having trouble conceiving or being told that i could never have children.

my baby is 100% healthy so far, and i am hoping with all my heart that labour goes well and we can begin our life as a family. i take great comfort in knowing that my baby has 2 arms 2 legs and a face, perfect heart and functioning organs. i couldnt give a damn if it was a boy or a girl.

i duno i guess i just dont get caught up in things i cannot control.

 

[*Star*]

i have to say though, that my 'gender' thoughts only really 'took off'' AFTER i reached the 2nd tri. When I was sure that the pregnancy was going well. Before then I was just happy to be pregnant.

 

[uncle_bens]

Its okay, you shouldnt be made to feel guilty coz of how you feel!

 

[punkeddiemurphy]

Brilliant post and well done Sharne for bringing it up - seems like it's an emotive subject for a lot of people.

I always assumed that gender preference applied to people who had never experienced a loss or had trouble TTC but from this thread it appears some people do still have a preference after struggling with conception and loss. So I guess we're all motivated by different things and we have to understand that no one knows how the individual feels.

However, from my personal point of view I agree with you 100% - I couldn't give a flying f*** what sex my baby was, I just felt so lucky to be pregnant and make it past 12 weeks after 3 previous losses. Saying that, I did want to know the sex, just so I could "get to know" my LO and get even more excited about his future. But if the sonographer was wrong and he comes out as a girl or even a hermaphrodite it won't make the slightest bit of difference to me or OH xxxxx

Ok can I state for the record that it would freak me out if my child was a hermaphrodite. I wonder if anyone has ever had one on this forum

 

[Becky]

Its a really difficult subject and there is no right or wrong, just differences of opinions.

When my daughter was born I had no preference at all. At the time my brother had a son and my BIL and Step-BIL's had daughters. When Lucy was born a relative on my OH's side said to me "Well you'll just have to have a boy next time then" as if having another girl was a shame.

It really annoyed me because all I cared about was having a healthy baby, and its not as if you can choose what you have. What if I have another girl this time so there are 4 girls on that side .... so what? Who cares, but why on earth would you imply dissapointment at the arrival of a beautiful healthy baby.

This time people assume that because I have a girl I must want a boy but in all honesty I don't care. Again I just want a happy healthy baby.

I do feel that hoping really strongly for one sex over another is setting yourself up for a potentially large disappointment and that's a large part of why I don't hope either way, but that doesn't mean that others who choose differently to me are wrong, we're just different.

PS. One thing I do hope is that if we have a boy we figure out a name we both like - boys names are so hard!

 

[*Star*]

I do feel that hoping really strongly for one sex over another is setting yourself up for a potentially large disappointment and that's a large part of why I don't hope either way, but that doesn't mean that others who choose differently to me are wrong, we're just different.

I haven't made a concious decision to favour one sex over another. It's just something I can't control. Trust me, if I could I would not care in the slightest if baby is another boy. But unfortunatly, I just can't do that

 

[Jade&Evie]

I haven't made a concious decision to favour one sex over another. It's just something I can't control. Trust me, if I could I would not care in the slightest if baby is another boy. But unfortunatly, I just can't do that

Can you get counselling from your GP about it? Have you spoken to your MW? I expect its a lot more common than we imagine but as it's a bit taboo people don't speak about it.

 

[Becky]

But what you're doing isn't the same thing as I was describing, you "would like" but "don't mind" if it doesn't turn out that way.

Sometimes I think as a pregnant woman you get an inkling of what sex your baby is and maybe that is what influences you?

You're not setting yourself up for disappointment because you're not hanging all your hopes on it.

Its like when you see your Christmas pressie under the tree and you know its a CD because its obvious, and you think "ooh I hope its that one I've wanted for a while" but if it isn't, you're still happy to have the gift.

Its when people set themselves up with the attitude of "I hope it isn't a <girl> cos I'd be so dissapointed" I think that's what most people here don't understand.

 

[Mrs_Jay]

i must admit thats what really bothers me , is when other people assume that you want a certain, and they act like you're disapointed when you're not. like i think this would be like that with me if i find out this one is a boy i think i was get "sympathy" from family and that will really bother me

 

[Krystal]

Well I wanted a girl when I was pregnant, and for a moment when I found out I was carrying a boy I felt a bit 'oh' then that passed within 5 minutes and I started daydreaming about what a boy was going to be like. I wouldn't replace my son for the world and I can't even imagine having a girl now.

There are various reasons for me wanting a girl, one I guess is the fact since I was a little girl all I ever imagined was having a baby and she was always a girl. Other reasons I wouldn't want to go into cos it would be like justifying and I don't think anyone should need to do that.

I think your wrong to say it means we don't appreciate what we have. It took me a long time to get my son, one I thought I would never get. I appreciated and enjoyed every single moment of my pregnancy as I appreciate having him in my life now.

There are extremes to this of course, I know a lass, she has 4 girls and 1 boy, she got pregnant again and was desperate for another boy (as she has been for the last 2 pregnancy's) now she is disappointed, to the point she is not excited about this baby coming along, she doesn't seem to be bonding etc - that attitude I don't agree with.

But I can't imagine there are many girls like the above one especially on a pregnancy forum

I don't think it's wrong to imagine yourself to have a certain sex at all. The only thing I would find wrong is if you found out it was oppisite sex to what you wanted you were then less enthuastic about your pregnancy and the child once born.

 

[*Star*]

nope i haven't thought about counselling or anything like that.
It will be something that I would deal with.

I think I've said before, but I LOVE this baby already with all my heart. If he is a boy, that wouldn't change that.

But, a girl would be so much different. Maybe yes I am vain in wanting to buy frilly pink dresses and tights and dress her in them. And then growing her hair long and being able to braid it etc etc. Maybe that is vain and selfish.

I am desperate for a girl because I know that my family doesn't feel complete without one.

I;m trying to explain it how i feel, but it's a hard thing to put into words. If i say to people that i dont want another boy, people are immediatly thinking that if this baby is a boy i wont want him. That couldn't be further from the truth.

This may be taken the wrong way, but, with two boys and a girl my family would be complete. And if in the future we wanted to try for a fourth, then that would be our decision. I fear that if baby is a boy, i would never have that complete feeling, and that the decision to have a fourth is in a sense taken away because i want to have that 'completeness'.

Now, if it was the other way round, and i had two girls, I'm sure i would feel the same way. I guess it's that idea of a complete family that I am craving.

I haven't actually spoke about it in as much depth as this. Really makes me think

 

[Laur_250]

Just my own personal thoughts on gender preference:

I have had a miscarriage and spent all of tri 1 convinced it would happen again to the point i felt so depressed, so when I had the 12 week scan and arrived in 2nd tri i was so pleased and honestly didnt care what the sex was as i could see benefits either way and was too happy and grateful to care. We are having a boy which we are so pleased with. That being said I know I would like to have a girl too and probably wouldnt feel quite complete if i didnt, BUT even if I had another 3 boys before having a girl I would be happy and love each one just as much and if we decided to stop having children at a point of having only had boys, well thats life and I'd stil have fantastic children i love. XX

 

[one4three]

Im one of the people who made a post about ''gender dissapointment'' so I may aswell make a post in this topic.

I have my own reasons for why I am hoping I am carrying a girl & am not going to go in too deep for my reasoning but obviously if at my 20 week scan I am told I am carrying a boy Im still going to love him just as much as regardless of the sex it's my baby and my blood & Its not going to make me feel less enthusiastic about my pregnancy at all. My worries are more to do with fear over the baby being a splitting image of my ex partner, obviously its going to look like his dad to some degree and could even be a splitting image of her dad if it turns out to be a girl.

I had a m/c last year and do feel blessed to be pregnant, obviously. Like I mentioned in my topic, I feel guilty in feeling this way as there are many women out there who will never be able 2 experiance pregnancy or having a child of their own but that isn't going to stop me feeling the way I feel right now because its not something i can help.

Many women feel this way for many different reasons, my mum didn't want me to be a girl because she was forced into adopting out her first daughter by my granddad & she was terrified she would loose her baby if she had another girl due to her previous experiance, although by the time she was pregnant with me it wasn't up to her dad to make any decisions for her or order her to doing anything and she knew this!

Anyway, fair play to you for posting this topic, its a open forum & everyone is entitled to their own opinions ect...

 

[Redshoes]

I think if you're talking about people who won't love their child because they are a certain sex then they definitely need some sort of help, whether that be counselling or otherwise, and I do not understand that kind of thinking personally.

Once you get past the 12wk scan and everything's going fine I think you are entitled to feel happy and start fun stuff like guessing the sex, thinking of boy/girl names, and planning the toys/nursery, being more sex specific etc I do not think that is in anyway a bad thing if you become slightly enclined to prefer one sex before knowing the actual sex.

 

[Steelgoddess]

I just wanted to say that NO ONE should feel guilty of the way they feel, thats not what my post was imply.

I just think gender is one of those things you just have to see what happens when you actually find out, rather then getting worked up and possibly depressing yourself, I know how hormones don't help matters...

STAR* I can understand your need of the want to have a complete family, who am I to judge? I dont have children yet, so maybe like you say sometimes having more of one sex without the other causes you to feel this way. Howeever I also believe there is always a trigger to make us feel the way we do...

 

[Sammystar]

nope i haven't thought about counselling or anything like that.
It will be something that I would deal with.

I think I've said before, but I LOVE this baby already with all my heart. If he is a boy, that wouldn't change that.

But, a girl would be so much different. Maybe yes I am vain in wanting to buy frilly pink dresses and tights and dress her in them. And then growing her hair long and being able to braid it etc etc. Maybe that is vain and selfish.

I am desperate for a girl because I know that my family doesn't feel complete without one.

I;m trying to explain it how i feel, but it's a hard thing to put into words. If i say to people that i dont want another boy, people are immediatly thinking that if this baby is a boy i wont want him. That couldn't be further from the truth.

This may be taken the wrong way, but, with two boys and a girl my family would be complete. And if in the future we wanted to try for a fourth, then that would be our decision. I fear that if baby is a boy, i would never have that complete feeling, and that the decision to have a fourth is in a sense taken away because i want to have that 'completeness'.

Now, if it was the other way round, and i had two girls, I'm sure i would feel the same way. I guess it's that idea of a complete family that I am craving.

I haven't actually spoke about it in as much depth as this. Really makes me think

You don't need counselling hun I can completely understand where you're coming from.

I have two lovely little girls and when I got pregnant with my third I ONLY wanted another girl! I couldn't imagine ever having a boy, and yes, I can honestly say at that point I didn't WANT a boy.

When we found out the sex at about 20 weeks I admit I was gutted. I cried. WHY?? I don't know! I can't explain it! One thing I never doubted though was how much I loved him, regardles of his sex. I supressed my disappointment because I felt so GUILTY for feeling that way. I struggled with it for ages - these conflicitng emotions. On the one hand I was so happy and grateful that he was healthy, on the other I was sad he was a boy. I look back now and think......why????

Then, when Sam was born, it all changed. The moment I saw him I was overwhelmed with all the same emotions I'd had with the girls. Now I am SO grateful that I have a boy and I cannot believe I ever felt disappointed that he was a boy. I idolise my baby, and so do his sisters. The poor little mite is one hen-pecked baby!

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that however strongly you feel now, whatever the sex of the baby he/she will be loved by you and his/her siblings.

And it's OK to want a girl, I know a family who ended up with six (very much loved) kids because they kept trying until they had a girl.

 

[Mildly]

Ok can I state for the record that it would freak me out if my child was a hermaphrodite. I wonder if anyone has ever had one on this forum

I think if you have a hermaphrodite you can choose which sex you want the baby to be I wonder how common it is?

Interestingly enough, and completely off the topic but whilst trying to find out I came upon an urban legend that Jamie Lee Curtis was born a hermaphrodite!

 

[Hazel]

Ok can I state for the record that it would freak me out if my child was a hermaphrodite. I wonder if anyone has ever had one on this forum

I think if you have a hermaphrodite you can choose which sex you want the baby to be I wonder how common it is?

Interestingly enough, and completely off the topic but whilst trying to find out I came upon an urban legend that Jamie Lee Curtis was born a hermaphrodite!

I think they do a blood test to see which gender it is xx or xy. Seem to remember from some random late night documentary.

 

[Sydneysmum]

Sorry, bodged up here - meant to post a new topic. Oops!