A post on "Gender Disappointment": food for though

[sparky]

there are so many terrible conditions and bad things in life, a child is a blessing, no matter what sex they are. xxx

thats exactly how i feel about it, your family wont lack anything for not having a certain sex, it will just be your family, much loved and totally unique

 

[Sarah&Braydon]

when i found out i was pregnant i didnt care wot sex the baby was, i just wanted him here healthy
and wen i have more kids i would like a girl but then i would love another boy
to he honest i dont think i would mind as long as they were happy and healthy

 

[uncle_bens]

I'm not 2nd Tri but I saw this and I thought i'd comment.
I don't really think we can help whether we want a boy or girl if we have a preference, but these feelings don't tend to last after the child is born. I only think its a problem if you treat your child differently once its born, I want to have a girl but i've a feeling its a boy.

And as for appreciating what you have, I don't like to say that to people because EVERYONE moans about something. We can't forever be comparing our situations to everyone else's (although its helpful to, for perspective).
People moan about food = theres people starving
Moan about housing = people homeless,
Moan about wanting plastic surgery = there are people disfigured

I don't think people should feel guilty for it unless it goes to far

 

[Chrissy1]

I'm not offended by the post or anything but I am one of the women that fits into all the categories so I would like to reply...

I've had a miscarriage
I've had trouble conceiving - Had just started fertility tests when we got pg
I'm expecting my first child
And I have a gender preference - Girl

Don't get me wrong, I thank god every day that I'm lucky enough to be pregnant in the first place but that doesn't stop me hoping that this baby is going to be a girl.

In no way will I not love my baby, or consider termination of any kind if I found out this baby was a boy. I will still love the baby no matter what the sex turns out to be. My only worry is that becasue I want a girl that if it is a boy then I will feel resentment towards the baby. I sincerely hope that it doesn't happen, and I'm sure it won't, but I just don't know until the baby is here and I can hold her/him. My hope is that when I hold my baby that I will love it unconditionally no matter what the sex but as this is my first baby I just don't know how I'm going to feel.

I don't know why I would prefer a girl..... I've tried to rationalise it but I just don't know why. All I know is that I would really love to have a daughter, that's not to say if I have a son I won't love him just as much.

At the end of the day.....all I want is for myself and the baby (whatever the sex will be) to both have a healthy pregnancy and to get through life happily and heathily.

If I could choose the sex, then yes, I'd choose a girl but I can't and it will be what it is so I will love my little bean whatever happens.

We're going to be staying team green for this pregnancy so we won't find out the sex until it's born


Crikey.... I've given myself typers cramp writing that!!

 

[Tillytots]

Im totally with you Sharne

I was a bit shocked to read some of the posts about gender preference. I came to the conclusion though that once these peeps have carried their babies for 9 months, given birth to them, hold them in their arms and look into their eyes they arent gonna give a flying fcuk what bits they have, Im sure of it

 

[Suzie and Faith]

It's weird. I've been thinking a lot about this because before I got pregnant (I wasn't planning on children for another 5/6 years!) I always said when asked that i'd prefer a girl (as did OH) - figuring that it was ok to say it because I wasn't planning any children yet so therefore could quite easily change my mind.

The minute I found out I was pregnant I felt guilty for having said that as when I actually thought about it I couldn't see any reason for me having a preference.

We chose to find out because i'm impatient and nosey! But in the end it really didn't matter. When we were told at our 20 week scan that it was a girl my thoughts weren't on that, instead i was thinking YES EVERYTHING IS OK and MY BABY IS HEALTHY.

In a way I understand that people would prefer a certain gender in terms of what children they do or don't have already. I'm relieved to feel that I'm quite excited about trying for our next and one on hand i'd love for this LO to have a sister and on the other hand i'd love a little boy! So phew for that!

It's hard when people have had losses and having a gender preference does make people sound ungrateful in a way but I'm sure we all know that deep down we love our LOs the same.

OK! here end my ramble!!


to you all and i'm glad this discussion is going well

 

[chickadee1976]

Hi just to add my story.

When i was pregnant with Cameron i wanted a boy. I didnt know at that time why i was so obsessed with it but i knew i wanted a boy.
Leading up to his birth i was really worried about having a girl and knew i would be disappointed. I was panicing that i would be unable to bond or love her and still had no idea where these feelings came from.
When Cameron was born i felt so much relief when i looked down and saw he was a boy, it was like a weight being lifted.
I can only think these feelings were due to splitting with Camerons father.
Perhaps i thought if i had a boy he would come back.
As it turned out he didnt and i wasnt really bothered once i had Cammy.
Now im pregnant again i dont mind what i have. A girl would be nice purely because i have my son and stepson but another boy would be fantastic to.
I think alot of peoples desires to have one sex or another may be deep rooted and they may not even understand why.
But i thinkfor many feelings run alot deeper thanhaving a desire to dress girls in frilly dresses

 

[Misslarue]

Just wanted to add quickly, sorry I haven't got time to read though as I am on my way out.
I didn't care what I was having as after 28 months TTC I was just grateful to be pregnant. My OH however really wanted a boy, not to say he wouldn't have been happy having girl. I think this stems from his natural desire to continue his blood/sperm line, so to speak!
I would like to have a girl one day though

 

[Mrs_Jay]

now i did briefly feel like i wanted a girl when i first found i was preg. mainly the "ideal" 1 boy, 1 girl synario (sp). but since like you reading about how people say they would feel disapointed if it was one or the other ive realise i really dont care. i would love another lil boy just as much as id love a lil girl and im soo happy that i can say that now. Im finding out at the scan just becoz im impatient and wanna know But at the end of the day as long as baby is healthy thats all that really matters to me and i think it should be the same for everyone else

 

[x Naomi x]

Thanks for posting this Sharne, it has made me a little sad to recently reading peoples posts about really wanting one sex or the other, we get what we are given and should be greatful we have the chance to be parents,

Initially when we started TTC we both liked the idea of having a girl, as time went on and we went through our losses, i would have given my arms, legs, everything just to have a baby and so when we got pregnant again this time around, we dont have any preference to boy or girl just eternally grateful to be here,

We call ours a he just to give bubs an identity and we will be finding out on wednesday hopefully that all is well and whether we are pink or green we cant wait!

I think sometimes people dont realise what could go wrong and what does go wrong and so seem a little blase about things when i am sure they are just carried away in the excitement

Watched that programme recently on china and their one child policy whereby people were aborting girls it was so sad

 

[Steelgoddess]

Omigod! I won't lie I was terribly nervous about posting as I didnt want anyone to get upset, or feel like I was having a snipe at them...

I didnt expect such a high and detailed response... Thanks so much to EVERYONE that has replied I really do think this thread now has some great information and its exactly what i think we needed here (A discussion and not an argument or any sore feelings...).

hugs to all...

 

[Chrissy1]

Omigod! I won't lie I was terribly nervous about posting as I didnt want anyone to get upset, or feel like I was having a snipe at them...

I didnt expect such a high and detailed response... Thanks so much to EVERYONE that has replied I really do think this thread now has some great information and its exactly what i think we needed here (A discussion and not an argument or any sore feelings...).

hugs to all...

It is nice to see us all having a proper conversation about it and not having a go at each other.

Sometimes it can be hard to post what you'd really like to say for fear of it turning into an argument or offending someone unintentionally so I sometimes avoid posting on threads where an argument looks like it's starting.


BTW - Just wanted to add to my previous post that there's no way that i would like a girl just so I can dress her in pink frilly dresses. I just have a feeling I'd bond better with a girl.

 

[Penstraze]

I am kind of the opposite side that you mentioned how would you feel if OH really wanted one sex? Well my DH really wants a girl has always wanted to have a girl so she can be a Daddies girl and I worry if he will be disapointed if baby turns out to be a boy. Also a lot of my family want me to have a girl because there are quite a few baby boys in our family right now. I hate the thought of anyone finding out our babies sex and being disapointed because he/she is going to be my gorgeous baby no mater what! I worry about this to the point if baby is a boy I may keep it quiet until the birth as I know when babies here and people meet him/her they will adore them no mater what. I will be honest I would like baby to be a girl largely I think because of this worry about other people being disapointed and because DH really didn't want me to keep baby but has stood by me and my decission and I would love for him to get the Daddies girl he wants but I know that I wont be dissapointed if baby is a boy and will just be over the moon that he/she is hopefully healthy I think it will take a little while to get used to the idea not because I wont be happy about it but for some reason I always picture baby as a girl may be its mothers intuition or just because everyone says they're sure babies a girl all the time.

I totally agree with all thats said about baby being a blessing no mater what sex I feel so grateful to be pregnant and that so far all is going well I try to count my blessing in that sense every day. I always believed I wouldn't be able to have children and then hormone troubles and various things in the last two years had kind of confirmed that to me so to have gotten pregnant by accident to me is totally fate and amazing and I'm trying to enjoy every second of it!

 

[maybebaby]

There's a big difference having gender preference and gender disappointment - I think that's one of the points you were trying to make Sharne?

We both wanted a boy last time and stayed team green - when my baby was born we didn't even check the sex for the first few minutes because all that mattered was my child was here! If he had been a daughter I would have been surprised but certainly not disappointed.

This time round I'd like a boy again. And again, we'll be staying team green so we won't know until Christmas. But I certainly can't see myself being disappointed with a girl - even though it's not the scenario I have picyured in my head at the moment.

My sister has 3 girls & often gets people asking her if she'll be 'trying for a boy'! When she was pregnant the last time people would ask her if she knew the sex then say sorry when she told them she was having another girl! I think that's shocking, how dare they suggest that having 3 children of the same gender is something to be 'sorry' about! My sister adores her girls & has said that if she ever has another baby she'd like another girl.

 

[Neev]

I agree with your post Sharne but I have not seen anyone post who was so gender specific that it would make me raise my eyebrow. Before I begin - sorry if I offend anyone as this is a very sensitive subject.

I feel this is about "I want or I would like" as opposed to “I need…” and there is a very big difference in this.

Someone rightly did quote that places in the east like china or other countries where the wrong gender is aborted and this is why in the NHS hospitals some areas do refuse to tell the gender of the baby - in fear of something similar taking place. Perhaps a survey of those areas might have shown some larger abortion rates after scans or a little around 20 weeks. So it does happen and it is very very sad. I have an older sister, my dad really wanted a boy when I was born, though he was not disappointed but he always gave me that little extra freedom than my sister because I did all the boy chores - so yes a little bit of a tomboy with habits but that was my choice. Internaly he raised me a little like a boy but that’s ok, if I raise my son a little girlish or a girl little boyish I do play a heavy part in the grooming but I am certain giving a male some feminity and a girl some masculinity is only going to help them in life. It certainly helped me 

We want healthy babies, I was not bothered what the sex was but my DH had a preference to have an older boy- we would like to have 2 and we would LIKE to have one of each but we dont NEED to have 1 of each. So if there are 2 of the same sex - oh wonderful but I cannot squash my feelings of playing with a boy and playing with a girl, raising them up and experiencing the beauty of raising both sexes. It is similarly compared to other sensitive subjects like:

-I am a vegetarian. Other vegetarians make very harsh comments on those that eat meat – saying it is killing a being but in our society that is seen both as sensitive and ridiciulous – it is just the way we view it.
-Those that have had miscarriages (I have and it is heartbreaking) and there are those trying for a baby for years….then there are those that are having abortions because they simply did not take precaution one drunken Friday night.
-I would like a new pair of shoes and spend enough on it – but the same amount of money would feed a family of 4 for a week in a third world country. I want it but I don’t need it.
-I would like to lose weight by going on a controled diet – I have that desire but the ones that are starving would love to have that extra bit of food on my plate which I am not having.
-I would like to have a girl or a boy but I forget about those that cannot conceive.
-I would lik to change my car and buy something which is £5000 more expensive but I don’t need it. My older car takes me from Point A to B.

I is subjective. However, we all know that when we have choices in life – we have desire to express them and fulfill them if we can. If I know I can only have one meal a day then I don’t care what the content of that meal is, as long as it fills me up. If I know I cannot conceive then I would be just grateful to god That he gave me a little one. Someone with terminal illness cannot understand someone who stays in bed till midday and does not do anything productive for the first half of the day.

We are humans and this is why, what we don’t have we always wonder how the person on the other side who has it cannot appreciate that but it is not always that way. I agree with you Sharne but I also feel that wanting something is very different to needing something and if someone has gender preference it is not to feel guilty about – we all have many many other areas in our lives that we could live feeling guilty everyday and every hour…but then the world would be a saintly place and we all know that is not happening.

Applaud for such a great topic. I agree with you to an extent but I also wanted to see things from the other side. This is our first baby and we thank god everyday, we conceived pretty quickly but after the miscarriage which I had never contemplated it would happen – was not only a shock but a reality check..after that for 1 month my life was all about – I want a baby. So I can only just imagine how others who have been trying for years must feel .

Gender disappointment happens and it is unfortunate if it affects someone's life so much that it can affect a child's upbringing...but it could also be because the experience of the difficult side of the coin has not occurred and this happens in various chapters of life.

Sorry this is so long…

 

[Jade&Evie]

I feel this is about "I want or I would like" as opposed to “I need…” and there is a very big difference in this.

There have been a few people on the forum who really don't want a specific gender, interestingly, for COMPLETELY different reasons...

I think it just shows how good the forum is- that people can be honest about something quite near to the mark.

 

[mandspice]

Brilliant post and well done Sharne for bringing it up - seems like it's an emotive subject for a lot of people.

I always assumed that gender preference applied to people who had never experienced a loss or had trouble TTC but from this thread it appears some people do still have a preference after struggling with conception and loss. So I guess we're all motivated by different things and we have to understand that no one knows how the individual feels.

However, from my personal point of view I agree with you 100% - I couldn't give a flying f*** what sex my baby was, I just felt so lucky to be pregnant and make it past 12 weeks after 3 previous losses. Saying that, I did want to know the sex, just so I could "get to know" my LO and get even more excited about his future. But if the sonographer was wrong and he comes out as a girl or even a hermaphrodite it won't make the slightest bit of difference to me or OH xxxxx

 

[Jade&Evie]

But if the sonographer was wrong and he comes out as a girl or even a hermaphrodite it won't make the slightest bit of difference to me or OH xxxxx

Going to lower the tone... just remembered a joke I got sent last week:

A woman who has just given birth is taken aside by her doctor.
The Doctor says "I'm sorry to tell you this, but... well... your baby is a hermaphrodite..."
Mother: "What's that?!"
Doctor: "Well you're baby has both sets of gender specific organs...Do you understand?"

After much deliberation....

Mother "So you're saying my baby has a penis... AND a brain?!"

 

[katie05]

Hi girls, what an interesting thread. I usually hate sitting on the fence but can see things from both sides. I have been surprised (not in a bad way) at how many people lately have expressed a preference too. What intrigues me is that it has mainly been for girls-perhaps as we are all women and wanting your own sex etc.

I can honestly say that when i was ttc this one i never thought about 'getting a boy or girl', just a healthy baby please .
However...i had an hormornal week or two after my 20 week scan where i said to hubby that i hope i am having a girl (i have a beautiful lil boy).
My reasons though were entirely because i was shocked at how many people have said to me 'bet you want a girl', 'i really hope you have a girl' or when i said excitedly 'ohh do you think thats a little winky on the scan' one relative said 'oh well a boy will be nice too' (in a negative way though).

Therefore i guess that i felt like this a few weeks back (may add i do not desire only a girl now) because i have been given the impression that if i say 'its a girl', people will be more happy/excited for us than if i have a boy. Also, even on forums you hear 'oh one of each thats the 'ideal' quite alot. Strange thing is..I can see why this is said in one way but then think why is 2 of the same not the 'ideal?

These comments did upset me but now im (abit) less hormornal i think sodd em! and im excited to meet my little man or girl.x

Hope this kinda makes sense.x

 

[Bagpuss17]

Great post Sharne and you couragous of you to post it because it is an emotive subject.

I'm with you all the way.

I feel so blessed and extremely grateful to be pregnant, especially given some of the dreadful experiences so many women/couples suffer on this forum and in life generally trying to get/maintain a pregnancy.

A few friends of mine have felt strongly about having girls over boys etc...some to the extreme. No matter how hard I try I just can't get my head around it. All this whilst another friend lost their premature baby at 6 months

Whether this baby is a boy/girl, I feel such overwhelming love for him/her already. It really isn't going to make one jot of difference to us.