Gender Disappointment

[AliTriggs]

Hi,

I hope that someone on here can help me. I am a Dad to be in June 2011. My wife and I had our 20 week scan today and we had decided to find out the sex. I know she really wanted a girl as she has 2 sons (9 and 4) from a previous relationship, who I am a very proud to be a step dad to. I also have a step daughter (5) from my first marriage but she only stays every other weekend with us. My wife is having a really bad pregnancy, with sickness, IBS, tiredness - unlike her previous two which she breezed through apparently. Several 'psychics' had told her she is having a girl. Her friends and family all believed she was having a girl and I know she was desperate to have that mother-daughter bond.

During the scan my wife broke down in tears on finding out it is a boy. She could not look at the scan anymore, and she still has not seen the actual pics. The baby is perfectly healthy but she says she does not want it anymore and regrets getting pregnant. She is continually crying about it, thinks she is a terrible person for feeling like this and is worried she will not love the baby.

My wife is the most amazing person I have ever met and this is totally unlike her. It breaks my heart that she does not want our baby anymore. I have tried calling the midwife, but they just referred me to our GP.

We are 34 and 37 years old and as we will now have 4 kids, this will have to be our last baby. Has anyone had a similar experience? Can anyone recommend a way to help my wife? I cant help thinking of all the mothers who have lost a baby, or whose baby is ill or who cannot conceive. I can only say that in the context of our current situation, my wife is ill and needs help coming to terms with this. I dont think she ever envisaged reacting like this. Thank you in advance for any help. x

 

[nikki8092]

You say you are 34v and 37 and has to be the last baby?? Why does it have to be the last? I think your wife needs time to come to terms with having another boy. Alot of people go through this but still love the baby no matter what. I think counselling may also help x

 

[lyndsey_28]

i agree with the last post she needs a little bit of time to get used to the idea of having another boy first, just be there for her through the tears and shouting give her a few days to get her head around the idea of another boy!!

it can be really disheartening knowing u havent got what u wanted but its not all bad, i really wanted a girl this time too and thought it would be, but its another boy although to be honest i wasnt really surprised, and i know what its like to want that mother daughter bond as i have it with my mom and woud have loved to have the same one day with a daughter of my own, but now i will have three gorgeous boys who will be my whole world

just try n give ur wife some time to think about it, if she still no better than visit the docs as they can help with arranging councelling etc for prenatal depression, and stress etc but knowing ur there for her through it all will be a comfort to her xxx

 

[BellaRiven]

I can echo what has been said, it is going to take time to adjust especially if all along she has been told that it's a girl by various people even without medical proof.

Love her and hold her when she needs it, you may find that at some point she may blame you but don;t take that to heart she won;t mean it, she may not even blame you but be prepared, take each day as it comes and then break it down to each hour and minute, go with it as much as possible and just support her it's what she needs right now.

I think most women want a little girl in all honesty, I know to start of with before the 20 week scan I was convinced it was a girl, my mum had done her 'crystal' test and even the midwife when she listened to the heartbeat at 16 weeks thought it was a girl, so at the 20 week when we were told it wa a boy, I was shocked and even shed a tear, but as the time wore on I got used to the idea, it's grown on me and I couldn't be happier, it's taken me a good couple of weeks to come to grips with it.

I hope she feels better soon and I hope you will be ok as well as it can be tough, if you ever need to vent here is as good a place as any, we all 'listen' and sometimes dispense advice of what we think and our own personal views , I'll be keeping your family in my thoughts

 

[Maria1977]

Sorry I can't offer any advice, but I hope that your wife accepts that she is having a little boy.

I know some people are desperate for one sex or the other, but tbh either should be received with joy.

I have a son and will find out next week if this next baby is a boy or a girl and tbh I really don't mind either way. It would be nice to have a girl, but a brother for my son would be wonderful.

I know it's not helpful, but I think if you go into it desperate for one or the other you are only setting yourself up for disappointment, which is a big shame because the baby really doesn't deserve rejection.

It's a shame that this pregnancy is going harder than her others, this one for me is alot harder than my first and that was bad enough!

I hope that she can accept that she is having another son, if you it is to be your last baby he should be looked forward to as completing your family, not dreaded because he is a boy instead of a girl. I'm sure her hormones aren't helping either, mine make me mental lol

 

[heartbroken]

Im sorry if this sounds harsh but i think once your babys healthy should be all that really matters. I lost my son due to an abnormalty and ther are people who cannot have kids who would do anyting for a baby. And for her to say she doesnt want the baby isnt very nice.. I hope she gets used to the idea for having another boy and wil love him no matter what

 

[cosmicgirl]

I kinda understand where your wife is coming from. I have 4 gorgeous boys, I'm currently ttc a little girl. This really has to be my last baby (no more rooms in our house, seats in our car after this one). If my next baby is a boy I will be bitterly disappointed, I will have to accept that I will never have the little girl I have dreamt of since I was a little girl. I cannot just carry on having babies until I get a girl, this is my last chance and that is a lot of pressure. Saying that I would love my little boy should that be what happens, doesnt mean I wont be disappointed though. I think people sometimes think that gender disappointment means that you wont love the baby you are blessed with - it doesnt it means just that, disappointment. I think its difficult to understand if you dont feel that way yourself.
I actually have a box of little girls clothes that I have been collecting for years, thinking that I may never have anyone to dress in them breaks my heart.
Its ok to be disappointed, especially if this was her last chance xxx

 

[lanny]

It really is hard for anyone to understand if you haven't felt that way before yourself and you can't help them feeling how ever much you don't want to feel them, I am very lucky to have a girl now but it played a massive part in my pregnancies wanted one soooooooo much.

I am sure wants you wife holds her baby boy for the first time she will love him to bits but you prob just needs to get use to the idea first. All them thoughts of buying pink clothes etc have all been taken away from her and I bet it's hard to come to terms with.

My gran had 9 boys before a girl and it always played on my mind its a horrible feeling to want a certain sex but a feeling you really can't help xxxxxx

 

[Maria1977]

On a lighter note, my nan desperately wanted a girl but she had 3 boys. After her 3rd was a boy she just decided to dress him as a girl... There is pictures of my uncle with his pretty curly hair dressed as a girl lol, lucky for him they are black n white so not so bad, but poor man lol

 

[Constantstar]

I really had it in my head i wanted a girl and when I found out I was having a boy I was a bit deflated but happy . Now he is here I feel guilty for feeling that as he is the best little bubba in the world. Put it this way end result is will love ur bubba no matter what.

 

[cosmicgirl]

I wanted a girl with my first, he was a boy, I thought but ok, I can have another.
I really wanted a girl for my second, he was a boy, ok, I may be able stretch to another, although I only wanted two children.
I needed this next one to be a girl, this was my last chance, I visited Dr Herb, did the girl diet, timed ov for early bd'ing - all bases covered. Twin boys!
So here I am now and I cannot accept that I will not have a girl this time.
Of course a healthy baby is the most important thing but believe me, gender disappointment is real.
For me I want balance in my family, I want someone who wants to do things with me. When I'm sat alone on a Sunday because all the boys have gone to footie with their dad, what's left for me? Who wants to go shopping with me? Love my boys all the world, that's never in question, but there is a piece missing, a pink piece x

 

[Zoeox]

I really really wanted a girl as we already have lots of boys in the family
However scan revelied I was having a little boy, at first I was a bit upset but then figured so long as baby is well and healthy what does it matter. Why does it have to be your last baby? xx

 

[Fordee]

I think your parent-child bond is what you make of it. It depends on both of your personalities, not simply gender alone.
Not every mother/daughter get on like a house on fire and certainly not every mother/son have a strained relationship. I know this is not the case in any generation of my family - the women don't seem to bond at all!
Those details aside, I think your wife really does need to go the the GP because, from what you say, this is not the only aspect of the pregnancy that she is finding it hard to cope with. Maybe you should go with her to show support. The GP may want to check that she is not suffering from depression (which is not uncommon during pregnancy). It seems like a fairly extreme reaction that she has had to the scan results, so it may take a little investigation and support before she starts feeling more content with the pregnancy.
Hope she feels brighter soon.

 

[starstruck2011]

It doesnt have to be your 'last child'.
I have a 5 year old brother - I am 28 yrs old. He is my everything. My mother was 42 when she gave birth and was fine.

I don't know why they referred you to a GP as I'm sure the midwife should help you further :-S

Hope you find your answers x