Feelings of jealousy

[Sparklegirl]

Today I am down and having feelings of jealousy/envy/bitterness. I know I shouldnt and I do try hard not to but today I am close to tears about it. I am on CD53 so my TTC days are just being wasted. When I went on Fb this afternnon I have the joy of discovering that one friends has just had twins, thats lovely though, I am pleased for her because they are her rainbow babies. Nice to see she had them but I still felt a little pang of sadness.

There is also someone else who has announced her pregnancy, I am just struggling with the fact that she is in her very early 20s and its her 3rd child. Just to put this into perspective, she once asked me if she had an ultrasound would it show if the baby was black or white. For her to ask that I can only assume it is because she had been sleeping about with multiple men at the time. I really dont like feeling like this but today is a bad day for me, I am struggling.

I know its irrational but I am finding it hard to understand how some people so young can just fall pregnant 3 times without planning it- so many of them being one night stands- and meanwhile I am a hard working, decent married woman and its just not happening for us. At their age I was at uni studying to build a better life for my future so when I got married we could give our precious baby a wonderful life. Feels like that was a double fail there- 35 and still not bale to get pregnant and after all my hard work and 2 degrees, the best I have is part time temp work with a husband who works part time nights only and we hardly have two pennies to rub together.

As hard as I try not to feel like it, it it still feels like every time I see these happy announcements a little bit of me dies inside. Sorry for the long rant!

 

[xMillie]

Totally get how you feel!
It really is so hard

It got me down so much seeing other people on Facebook announcing pregnancies or posting pictures of their newborns/babies that I've actually decided to take a break from Facebook.
People have my number if they need to contact me.

I just need to stay away from it as it does really hurt, the longer this ttc journey goes on the harder it gets.

I hope your new cycle begins soon x

 

[JD.Deedee]

It's totally natural and I very much have understanding to how you feel when it comes to those negative feelings you feel like you're not allowed to have. You've done a very decent thing when it comes to getting two degrees and getting married first, sending you baby dust. I hope that you'll be blessed with your rainbow baby soon xx

 

[xSebbiesMumx]

Totally feeling you on this one!!

My Facebook is awash with pregnancy announcements, bump pictures, scans and all sorts..and my brother is having a girl which is something I longed for! After losing 3 myself it really eats you up inside!..im happy but at the same time I'm cursing because I wish it was me that was having the girl

I feel bad for hiding people's status updates when their pregnant but I get to the point where I just can't take anymore happiness when I want the same thing

Don't feel too bad, we all go through it at some point!

 

[Alexis2017]

I totally understand. All my friends have fell pregnant in 1st or 2nd month trying. I have 3 friends all pregnant with 2nd or 4th baby and they keep saying to me its early days for me and I don't understand the tirdness a baby causes and all this patronisong stuff. I have to sit there and take it then go home and cry.I have had a feeling my whole life that I can't have babies and now I have the fear about it being reality...and the fact I've been right from the start. Does anyone else feel that way?

 

[Sparklegirl]

I totally understand. All my friends have fell pregnant in 1st or 2nd month trying. I have 3 friends all pregnant with 2nd or 4th baby and they keep saying to me its early days for me and I don't understand the tirdness a baby causes and all this patronisong stuff. I have to sit there and take it then go home and cry.I have had a feeling my whole life that I can't have babies and now I have the fear about it being reality...and the fact I've been right from the start. Does anyone else feel that way?

Thanks everyone I feel better knowing its not just me.

Wow someone else who thinks the same as me! It took my parents 19 years to have me and I was always told it might well be hereditary so yes I've worried about this since I was young. All I've ever wanted was to get married and have a baby, that's been my lifelong dream and I'm terrified that it is coming true

 

[Sparklegirl]

Totally get how you feel!
It really is so hard

It got me down so much seeing other people on Facebook announcing pregnancies or posting pictures of their newborns/babies that I've actually decided to take a break from Facebook.
People have my number if they need to contact me.

I just need to stay away from it as it does really hurt, the longer this ttc journey goes on the harder it gets.

I hope your new cycle begins soon x

Thank you. I've thought about taking a break too but I'd miss my friends on there. I dread looking sometimes though x

 

[Sparklegirl]

It's totally natural and I very much have understanding to how you feel when it comes to those negative feelings you feel like you're not allowed to have. You've done a very decent thing when it comes to getting two degrees and getting married first, sending you baby dust. I hope that you'll be blessed with your rainbow baby soon xx

I don't believe in doing things the easy way, my masters degree was in a different disciple to my BA so I could have a wider reach for jobs but its not worked out that way. I know lots of people who have such high demands in life but I don't, never go out drinking, stay in every night other than my exercise class and save what little money I have for any potential baby. I just feel like why do I bother is it ever going to happen? I know so many ladies have been trying for many more years than us, its just fear that I know my age is against me already but it would have been irresponsible to TTC any earlier. I say that but really would it, I've been waiting for the ideal time job wise but I think I've shot myself in the foot. I need to get a grip and carry on, I think my emotions just got the better of me today xx

 

[Sparklegirl]

Totally feeling you on this one!!

My Facebook is awash with pregnancy announcements, bump pictures, scans and all sorts..and my brother is having a girl which is something I longed for! After losing 3 myself it really eats you up inside!..im happy but at the same time I'm cursing because I wish it was me that was having the girl

I feel bad for hiding people's status updates when their pregnant but I get to the point where I just can't take anymore happiness when I want the same thing

Don't feel too bad, we all go through it at some point!

Its not surprising that the statuses are hidden, never feel bad for that n they will have a whole Facebook list of friends who are able to gush over them constantly because they will have their own babies.

 

[lemur9]

I completely understand where you are coming from Sparkle! I actually deleted Facebook with NO intentions on reactivating it simply because of that. So many women, not even trying to get pregnant and girls I know who have said they never wanted children are getting pregnant and then posting it on FB and (how I feel about it) throwing it in my face. Honestly, I have given up TTC. As much as I want it, its too hard being let down every single month and being upset. Maybe if I allow myself to think it won't happen, eventually it will. Better than the alternative.

Your feelings are completely understandable and justifiable. Hang in there, love.

 

[Sparklegirl]

I completely understand where you are coming from Sparkle! I actually deleted Facebook with NO intentions on reactivating it simply because of that. So many women, not even trying to get pregnant and girls I know who have said they never wanted children are getting pregnant and then posting it on FB and (how I feel about it) throwing it in my face. Honestly, I have given up TTC. As much as I want it, its too hard being let down every single month and being upset. Maybe if I allow myself to think it won't happen, eventually it will. Better than the alternative.

Your feelings are completely understandable and justifiable. Hang in there, love.

Thank you, you too. That is what gets me the ones who are not trying and its a shock when they become pregnant despite not using protection. It does feel like its being thrown in our face, ooooh look at me, 3rd child and I am only 23! Its hard knowing when they are my age their kids will be in senior school meanwhile I am still struggling to ever fall pregnant. They will have all the hard sleepless nights over with while they are young enough to deal with it well. TTC is a really hard journey, hopefully we will all get there and have our own babies to love

 

[MoominGirl]

I can totally relate to this!!

I have never been on Facebook and have no intention of ever joining for exactly the reasons you describe!! People that are important enough in my life know how to contact me and I don't need to hear about the wonderful lives of people I never see! I'd like to keep it that way haha.

I did my first degree then retrained as a nurse while now hubby was still a student (also changed course). We then relocated due to lack of job opportunities and it's only over the last few years that he's finally finished his training and we both feel settled in jobs. Have finally got our own house after years of careful deposit saving. Like you Sparklegirl, done all the sensible things first but when it comes to TTC, nothing. It just doesn't seem fair. We're 30 and 35 now. If I'd just slept around in my 20s would it have just happened for me? Of course that's not what I would have wanted but it really seems to be the way to do it!! Like you I wanted to feel financially secure and know that I could provide the right environment to raise a family.

Alexis, I also relate. I was never especially broody when I was younger. It wasn't til late 20s that I felt like it was our time. I'm a bit of a control freak and I'm a bit hyper organised so things not happening according to plan really doesn't sit with me!! But for some reason I'm not surprised. I don't know why, no issues in the family, everyone just pops out babies on demand!! Just a gut feeling I guess.

I hope the time will come for all of us.

 

[Sparklegirl]

I can totally relate to this!!

I have never been on Facebook and have no intention of ever joining for exactly the reasons you describe!! People that are important enough in my life know how to contact me and I don't need to hear about the wonderful lives of people I never see! I'd like to keep it that way haha.

I did my first degree then retrained as a nurse while now hubby was still a student (also changed course). We then relocated due to lack of job opportunities and it's only over the last few years that he's finally finished his training and we both feel settled in jobs. Have finally got our own house after years of careful deposit saving. Like you Sparklegirl, done all the sensible things first but when it comes to TTC, nothing. It just doesn't seem fair. We're 30 and 35 now. If I'd just slept around in my 20s would it have just happened for me? Of course that's not what I would have wanted but it really seems to be the way to do it!! Like you I wanted to feel financially secure and know that I could provide the right environment to raise a family.

Alexis, I also relate. I was never especially broody when I was younger. It wasn't til late 20s that I felt like it was our time. I'm a bit of a control freak and I'm a bit hyper organised so things not happening according to plan really doesn't sit with me!! But for some reason I'm not surprised. I don't know why, no issues in the family, everyone just pops out babies on demand!! Just a gut feeling I guess.

I hope the time will come for all of us.

I feel just the same. I bought my house when I was 20 and away at uni so I had the security to come back to which I adore, its beautiful with sea views and mountains but its a bit on the small side! It does feel like so many get drunk sleep about and hey presto- babies all round. Its like a reward that they dont want whereas we want nothing more, as you say, babydust for all!

 

[MoominGirl]

I think it's just so frustrating. I think when you're struggling, it seems like everyone else is falling pregnant without even trying. I know I feel more comfortable keeping our difficulties private but the downside of that is that people just assume that they don't have to spare my feelings and sometimes it's hard to deal with. I still think it's better than the pressure I think I would feel if everyone knew so unfortunately I just have to suck it up!

We have finally been referred to a fertility clinic - first in the family Hopefully they can help us get to where we want to be.

 

[Loveandpeace]

I have unfortunately been feeling this a bit lately too.

I had a bit of a pregnancy scare last year and when I told one of my 'best friends' (supposedly!), she got annoyed and said 'I hope not, im sick of being the last one things happen to' (she was last of our 'group' to move in with her BF, then get engaged and married. That really hurt my feelings because if I WAS actually pregnant, she wouldnt have been happy for me (she wasnt happy for me when I got engaged and married and avoided my company).
So anyway a few other things happened which hurt my feelings and I have since distanced myself from her.
However before Christmas I found out through a mutual friend that she was pregnant. I text her to congratulate her (trying to be the bigger person), but I couldnt help but feel annoyed by it..........

I had barely heard from her in a month or so, then on my birthday a few weeks ago, she messaged me with pics of her 20 week scan, without even saying happy birthday. Can you imagine how much this hurt me and having known her for 22 years, I have no doubt it was deliberate on her part.

Anyway I have quite a few friends and relatives all pregnant, either with their first or 2nd/3rd..........so I know it very difficult to deal with emotionally. Especially when you have a so-called friend appearing to rub salt in the wound. I dont call her a friend any more btw.

It also baffles me how some of my friends have children with drunken one night stands, like what are the chances, they didnt have to worry about OPKS, EWCM, ovulation etc!!!!!!

Hubby and I will be married two years this May, I just turned 33 and he is 35.
Baby dust to us all. xxx

 

[Sparklegirl]

I think it's just so frustrating. I think when you're struggling, it seems like everyone else is falling pregnant without even trying. I know I feel more comfortable keeping our difficulties private but the downside of that is that people just assume that they don't have to spare my feelings and sometimes it's hard to deal with. I still think it's better than the pressure I think I would feel if everyone knew so unfortunately I just have to suck it up!

We have finally been referred to a fertility clinic - first in the family Hopefully they can help us get to where we want to be.

I hope they can help get that BFP soon. How long had they left you TTC for before the referral? They wont do anything for me yet due to my BMI sadly. Goodl uck with it

 

[MoominGirl]

Thanks Sparklegirl.

We were a little more complicated. Have been tracking and 'officially' trying (it makes it sound less in my mind) for 9 months but came off contraception 2 years ago. Shortly after, they found I had a high prolactin due to other symptoms not because we were failing to conceive even though it was probably stopping me from ovulating. Due to all this, I didn't push for a referral too early as my levels have now been normal for about a year and we were hoping that was the only thing stopping us. Sadly that doesn't seem to be the case!! I still see the endocrinologist but from their point of view there's no issues.

Due to the history, the GP was actually very supportive. Did all the bloods on me which all came back normal. My periods are now very regular so I was expecting that but it was good just to know for sure. Also had a pelvic ultrasound. They are arranging a repeat but only as they couldn't be sure if they saw a polyp and want to confirm. Either way it's not a concern. OH had 2 SAs done. Both showed low motility but the GP said they weren't low enough to necessarily prevent us conceiving naturally. Second one was better than the first so I've made sure he's been taking his vitamins and I've been making a real effort to improve our diet. I've also been having some reflexology. I think I need something to help me chill out a bit. Every day I get in from work hoping an appointment has dropped through the door. I feel like a small child when the postie comes!!

Hope we all get our BFP one day.

 

[Stayse3]

I admit that I'm jealous.

Alot of friends had kids early on and I lived my life, followed a band all over the UK, no commitments and I wouldn't change it for the world, finally in 2013/2014 I started thinking about me and in 2014 met a guy after a few failed relationships and he told me he did isn't want anymore kids as he had 2 already and that was enough, it killed me.....so we split, few months later I met my current other half and our relationship has been nothing but struggles after struggles and yes, it's brought us closer but cos of these issues, we've only just decided to have a kid, but now he's under physio and in constant pain plus on anti depressants and I can't help but feel envy to those couple who have had it easy.....Friends who have married and now having babies, friends who got pregnant from a one night stand....it's like, how easy is it for some people? Why can't it be simple for me and my OH too? As of yet, I've actually no idea if I can even have a baby, but we're not trying and it's driving me nuts, I want to be a mother so bad, so why isn't it that simple for me?

Or indeed for many of us who so desperately want to bring life into this world but for reasons out of our control, whatever they are, are struggling to do so. Give us all a break and a bit of luck please and give us babies pretty please mother nature!

 

[katie88]

i can relate to all you ladies. currently on month 20 of trying. My best friend is currently pregnant with her 1st (took her 3 cycles to get her bfp) i love her and am over the moon for her but heartbroken for myself and my hubby - especially when she says things like "so hows the trying going" or "it'll be your turn next" etc. Lots of our friends seem to be getting pregnant at the moment, so much so that even hubs is getting irked by it (so im pleased its not just me) sending huge hugs to you all ladies xxx

 

[blonde_ditz77]

I'm with you ladies on this as well I do have one son who is 9 and had him when I was 22 other than re current miscarriages I fell pregnant quite easy now I'm almost 32 and with a new partner who has no children and it's all we want we have been ttc now for 15 months and we're referred to the fertility clinic I had no lining in my womb and hadn't had a period for years 2 of his cousins claimed they were ttc one has just announced his gf is pregnant he deals drugs neithe of them work and have a very volatile relationship the other she claims she said pregnant every other month and isn't she also doesn't work and does nothing but drink and take drugs and smokes I say and cried when I found out about his male cousin I could t help but think you don't deserve this baby why can't it be me and I just couldn't be happy and that's probably awful but it's heart breaking when you have been trying for so long and nothing happens ( his male cousin and his gf only tried for 6 weeks )