Feeling overwhelmed

[caseysmummy11]

I had my twin girls 10 days ago via emergency c section after going into labour at 33 weeks. One of my babies had unfortunately passed away around 24 hours before my labour started but we didn't know this until during the delivery. Whilst they were monitoring me during labour they struggled to find baby bs heart beat but thought they had found it just before I was rushed to theatre as my other twin was struggling during contractions. They did scan me but both babies we're cuddled so tightly together they struggled to get a good look at ones heart. They tried to resuscitate her for 18 mins but as she had been passed for a while they couldn't do anything. Baby a was born crying and didn't need any help but as she was under 34 weeks and 4lb they took her to neonatal. She's perfectly healthy but she has trouble feeding fully from either breast or bottle without tiring easily so she's also fed by tube to help her gain weight and we're slowly weaning her tube feeds down the bigger she gets. I named baby A lily and baby B zara. After delivery I spent 2 days with Zara and after getting her blessed and saying goodbye we sent her to the chapel of rest. I was very numb at first and in shock. I wanted to be happy that I still had one of my babies and don't get me wrong I am very happy to have lily. But the more days that go by the more my heart aches and the more I miss zara. Thet were Identical with the only difference being their weight and zara had slightly smaller legs. I think about her constantly and when I look at lily I see zara. I was always worried about her as she was always smaller than lily at most scans. She caught up a bit after id been given steroids but at the last scan her tummy growth had slowed right down. I was reassured that this could be normal after a growth spurt from steroids and my consultant wasn't concerned as she was still on her line for growth. I feel so guilty as it was my job to protect and look after her and I feel like I should have known something was wrong. im angry at myself for not knowing and angry at my consultant and midwife for not seeming bothered when I did raise any concerns. I just want her back so I can cuddle her like I can with lily. Today I just feels devastated and lost and finding no comfort in anything. Xxx

 

[MrsS143]

So sorry for your loss
Some babies are just too precious to remain on earth
Lily will have zara in her
Theres lots of complications and risks with twins particularly identical
Really there was no more you could've done
Up until that point you were all trying to get zara bigger and fitter
And 33 weeks is early even for twins. Its unlikely theyd have tried to deliver them that early had zara not shown complications

id advise you get counselling
and soon
itll eat your soul
And you need to be strong for lily so make yourself a priority
And remember youre allowed to grieve but must continue for lilys sake x

 

[Lilmisshopeful]

Hun you are going to feel so many things and sadly guilt is one of them. But please remember this is not your fault you have done an amazing job. I think I would too be mad at the doctors if you have already raised concerns about her growth slowing down. You will always have part of her in little lily and you will watch her grow big and strong and become an amazing little girl. And while you will look at her and remember you should be seeing double it will hurt less and less each time. Massive hugs and love sent to you and your little family and god less your little angel xxx

 

[platypus]

my heart breaks for you and i'm sorry for your loss. My emotions have been a rollercoaster after mc in early pregnancy so I can't imagine how you are feeling now. Please don't feel like you have done anything wrong, it is not your fault what happened.

 

[caseysmummy11]

Thank you ladies. Im just finding days are getting harder atm. It's good to be able to come on here and get it off my chest as these thoughts just keep going around in my head. I know nothings going to change what happened. I do feel like I need to see my gp as soon as I can get in. We're no longer staying in the family unit in the hospital so ive got a bit more time to be able to make an appointment. I feel lucky to have lily but im so scared somethings going to happen to her as well, today's been a bad day im hoping tomorrow will be better. Im just struggling to open up to people face to face so being able to come on here and just say how im feeling helps. Xxx

 

[Emapot1]

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. Yes it's hard to feel happy and it is incredibly overwhelming. Maybe a slightly lighter way at this stage is to feel blessed you have your other daughter to guide you through. I had my henry and felt blessed to be able to have his comfort through the hardest time of my life last June and with his love I have come so far. I found out 3 weeks before that Annabel was dying but held on for her until I needed to let her go and she was born at 35 weeks. You will in time get better each day. It's rocky and horrible but you will get there. Bless your little girl who was just to good for this world. keep strong for your other little girl. Your a strong mummy x

 

[Emapot1]

Oh and don't worry about anyone else around you. It's not important. Do and go with however helps your grieve. That's something you will adjust to yourself. Xx

 

[WishingHoping]

Oh hun I am so sorry.

I cannot say anything that will make a difference but you just allow yourself time to grieve..

What you are feeling is perfectly normal for what has happened!!

You have lily & lily will have all these amazing stories of her twin sister & you can involve her through Lily's life; even if she isn't there to see she is there to feel.

xx

 

[Mum2Many]

Oh hun, my heart breaks for you. I can not even imagine how difficult it must be to be dealing with the joy of a new baby and the deep sadness of losing your other baby both at the same time. I think feeling anger is only natural in your circumstances. You were concerned, your Drs were not and now your baby has passed away and even though nobody could have seen it coming it's natural to feel that someone should have known and been able to do something - even though the reality is that probably nothing could have prevented what happened.

(((((HUGS)))))

It may be worth you asking about grief counselling or support now hun. Everything is busy and a whirl at the moment, but you'll need some sort of extra support when Lily comes home and things quieten down...

I hope Lily continues to do well and can come home soon. (((((HUGS)))))

 

[caseysmummy11]

Thanks ladies. I've woken this morning feeling quite low again which I know is normal with what's going on so ive finally booked in with my gp for next week to discuss councilling. Im hoping once Lilys home and I don't have to go back to the hospital I will start to feel better also. To get to nicu I have to walk past mau and theatres which is where it all started which I don't think helps. Don't get me wrong the hospital itself has been brilliant and I can't thank them enough for what they've done for me whilst ive been there. We spoke to a fetal medicine consultant a couple of days after it happened and he looked through my notes and said even he wouldn't have been concerned just yet as zara growth hadn't slowed completely, I do think if we had got to the next scan they may have noticed more and he also reassured me how hard it is to suspect reduced movements with twins, I still feel like I should have known but I accept that I didn't know and if I had I would have done something. being back at home at nights helping a little and I know I'll feel better once I've seen lily this afternoon. Thanks for the support ladies and the hugs it really helps xxx

 

[caseysmummy11]

So I've seen my gp today and she's referred me to councilling. So feel like I've took a step in the right direction and my gp has also told me to get in touch with sands as referrals sometimes take a while. We also registered zara on Monday which was harder than I imagined. Seeing her name written down on the stillbirth certificate made it feel real. On a positive note though lily's due to be discharged tomorrow all being well so won't have to come back to the hospital again which I'm hoping will help xxx

 

[platypus]

that is great news that Lily is due to be discharged. it will give you some good moments to focus on while your grieving for and coping with Zara's loss.

 

[caseysmummy11]

Yeah after spending the entire day looking after her myself I'm feeling better it has given me more to focus on xxx

 

[Mum2Many]

Aw I'm so glad to hear Lily is coming home. That is wonderful news. (((((HUGS)))))

 

[caseysmummy11]

Thanks ladies. She is keeping me very busy and I'm so glad to have her here now xxxx