Feeling like a failure...

[purplebluered]

I've just been trying to explain to DH why i felt like such a failure having to have a section. It still bothers me a lot, I regularly talk to DH like once a week to keep him up to date with how I'm feeling about it all. He says he can't understand why I feel like such a failure, as he thinks I did brilliantly under terrible circumstances. But I do and I know some of you out there felt like failures after section.

My question is - can you help me explain to him WHY I felt like a failure. I just can't seem to explain it. I just do. I'm thinking its because my body failed to do something so natural, but then DH just said that it wasn't my fault cos LO was back to back and he got himself wedged in (my section notes said that they had to tug him out, he really was wedged in )

What do you girlies think?

Helen

 

[LucyBee]

Personally I think it's because that's how I always imagined giving birth would be. I've seen it on the telly, in movies, heard so many stories about birthing etc. You don't really hear too much about sections so I never imagined that's how I'd bring my baby in to the world.

I'm sorry you feel that way though.

You carried your baby safely for 9 months and he arrived healthy and happy.
It sounds like your section was unavoidable so, in the circumstances, you did the right thing for your little boy and that is so commendable.

I had a section too as Tom was so big and there have been times where I feel regret for not having pushed him out myself just because I would've liked to go through the experience. But ultimately I did what was right for him and ensured he arrived safely with no big dramas.

Big hugs.
Lucyx

 

[Becky]

I had an emergency section and I felt and still feel to a degree like a failure. No matter how I rationalise it in my head the feelings are there in my heart. I know it's irrational but emotions often are. My OH knows how I feel and we've talked about it quite a lot but I don't think he really understands where the feelings come from. He has just come to accept that it's one of those things that no matter how often people tell me it wasn't something in my control (baby was in distress due to cord being round her neck), this is just how I feel.

My OH tries to understand but really I don't think it's something you can fully understand unless you've been through it. Even my friends who are mum's have passed comments about how it'd be easier/they wish they'd had a section which shows they don't really understand.

But what I try and keep telling myself is that my birth was actually quite a nice experience all things considered and every mum I've talked to has things that they wished had been different about the birth of their children.

 

[beanie]

(((hugs))) Whilst I just avoided a section I did have a lot of negative feelings around my birth with Seren. I went very overdue (13 days) had 2 days of slow labour (she was back to back), and had an epidural (I desperately wanted to avoid any drugs). That along with the mammoth struggle to breastfeed left me feeling very low and like a failure who's body couldn't do the basic thing is was supposed to. I couldn't hear about other's who had the birth I wanted, I went to see my freind after her baby arrived and she had the birth I had wanted - I sobbed all the way home. I couldn't even drive past the midwife unit I was supposed to go in without welling up.

I did talk about my feelings about this with my psychiatrist but this was all tied up in my pnd so wasn't focused on that. But I have heard from my friend who had a debrief of her section that it really helped her. Perhaps this is something you could ask your HV about??

 

[jenza88]

I have read this forum regularly for a while now, but never posted. However, I felt I had to respond to your post because I have felt similarly after my emergency c section nearly 6 months ago (due to prolapsed cord). I've felt more awkward and kind of fake when discussing giving birth with other mums. This is because I sort of feel that I didn't give birth iykwim? Yes, I had a baby but I didn't go through the whole 'birth' experience, pushing a baby out etc. I don't regret the c section - the consultant said my little girl probably wouldn't be here, if I had carried on naturally. It's just that I feel I can't refer to having 'given birth'.

 

[Steelgoddess]

We have a running joke about my birth plan because everything I wanted I didn;t get and like Beanie I wanted to avoid drugs but had to give in as I was in too much pain...

I used to feel like this too, I would just tell him it's because you were led to believe you would be able to do something that you weren;t able to in the end... physically you couldn;t do what a womans body was more or less built for... (Sounds quite sad really)

Just wanted to add though you should NOT feel like a failure as you have achieved the ultimate goal in life, YOU nouroushed that child, YOU grew him, and you played a major part in creating his make up so I definatly do NOT think you have failed but do understand exactly what you mean...

 

[poppy160]

(((hugs))) Whilst I just avoided a section I did have a lot of negative feelings around my birth with Seren. I went very overdue (13 days) had 2 days of slow labour (she was back to back), and had an epidural (I desperately wanted to avoid any drugs). That along with the mammoth struggle to breastfeed left me feeling very low and like a failure who's body couldn't do the basic thing is was supposed to. I couldn't hear about other's who had the birth I wanted, I went to see my freind after her baby arrived and she had the birth I had wanted - I sobbed all the way home. I couldn't even drive past the midwife unit I was supposed to go in without welling up.

This is exactly how I felt, except my slow labour was alot shorter (And I was 2 weeks early but had a difficult pregnancy). I had always imagined my birth to be a beautiful thing, that I would look serene throughout the whole process, not have much pain relief, push her out without recieving any tears and fall in love with her as soon as I saw her. I didn't have a section but an assisted birth with forceps, and because my birth plan was so different to how I'd imagined it I felt so low and didn't bond with Ella, so gave up on breastfeeding quickly which made me feel even more of a failure.
I know how I imagined my birth to be sounds really naive but it was my first child so I didn't really know what to expect. I didn't watch any birthing programmes on TV so I just went by what I saw on TV soaps which of course are so far fetched from the truth.
My 'friend' had a baby last month..her pregnancy wasn't planned (She just doesn't use contraception), she smoked all the way through and just didn't seem like she wanted a baby but she had the labour I wanted and even now I feel so envious towards her..In fact I haven't spoken to her since.

I just think it's because things just didn't go the way I wanted. But I try to find the positives of that..When I have my next baby I'll already have my first birthing experience to go by..(Actually, I've already got my next birth plan in my head! )

 

[Geordie&Bairn]

for you i understand how you feel James tried but could never understand why this hurt so much he said i sould be happy i was happy but a part of me couldnt let go of what happend

My waters went contractions didnt the induction to get them going but didnt work to move collier
i also had a epidural tired pushing my cervic was stubborn to dilate and it didnt move Collier and then vontouse that didnt work so i had no choice but to have a c section as Collier was laying sideways and was stuck,
It was horrible i felt like such a failure my body had failed to do what it was supposed to give birth like a natual Mam should
that with out medical intervention my son though prefectly healthy wouldnt have been born
I couldnt have contractions naturaly, couldnt dilate naturaly, pushing didnt work and couldnt give birth naturaly i guess my WOMEN hood was dented as this is what women have been doing since day dot

this took me a hell of a long time to get over and it effected my deeply i bonded with Collier but my thoughts of being a rubbish Mam haunted me in every little thing i did i blamed myself for everything thought al i did was wrong and i was useless

Im getting past it now finaly i look at my Son and love him so very much that i am grateful that medical intervention ment i could have my son. He means the world to me and i can live without giving birth naturaly i couldnt live without my beautiful son

 

[purplebluered]

Thanks all, you have all really helped. I know this isn't something that will go away quickly. It's also good for me to hear that there are even those of you who did get a natural delivery that feel the same (though I'm sad about that, but you know what I mean). This is all going to help me explain it to DH though I don't think he will ever understand - even though he's trying his best to.

Still pondering upon it all, probably isn't the healthiest thing for me to do though! Blah

He means the world to me and i can live without giving birth naturaly i couldnt live without my beautiful son

That's very true...I know that if they hadn't intervened, neither of us would be here now. He was well and truly stuck, but put that way that's so true. I couldn't live without him now, but I guess I can live without ever having a natural birth, both with Isaac and any future LOs.

to you all

 

[nori]

I can understand where you are coming from with this. I also had an emergency C section after 20 hours of labour. I think it knocks you for six knowing that none of your birth plan went to plan! My main feeling of failure though is the breastfeeding side of things.

Like many of the lovely ladies on here have said to me, you have no reason to feel guilty! You have neutured your little one for 9 months and the main thing is that he is healthy.

Its really hard to let go of those feelings but in time im sure we both will.

Claire x

 

[Strangeness]

I felt exactly the same way when I had my son! I felt like my body wasn't good enough to give birth naturally and I kept reliving his birth over and over. It just didn't feel right to me! I did soon forget it though hun until it came close to having my daughter. I aimed for a VBAC and I went overdue just the same as I did with my son so I thought my body was a failure yet again and I was destined for a c section. But my daughter came through and I got the VBAC I wanted and had a brilliant birth experience! It doesn't always have to go the same way as the first time.

 

[sam96031]

i felt exactly the same i felt like a complete failure when i had to have an emergency section with Emma even though they said if id waited another day to get her out she wouldn't have survived i just felt like i had let Emma down and that i had been let down as it never crossed my mind that i would have a section. With Bethan i was hoping for a VBAC and kinda had my heart set on it as i had missed out first time round, but when the consultant said i would have to have another section i was gutted but as it was going to be an elective i had a lot of control over things this time round so it wasn't so bad. Anyways i just wanted to give you these and say it does subside that feeling of failure and keep talking to you DH as that helped me so much

 

[ninjawomble]

In some ways I feel the same, although most of it wasnt my fault it was Islas lol! She was back to back, and just wouldnt come down, no matter how much I pushed, then decided to do a poop! But I feel its my bodies fault for not contracting strong enough to ensure she didnt get distressed.
Its also annoyed me that I couldnt BF, the MW think its due to my traumatic birth (although as Ive nothing to compare to I dont feel it was that hard on me), and due to the section

But I keep thinking if it wasnt for the section, Isla wouldnt be here, and it essentially saved her life, and for that Im grateful.

Im hoping for a vbac next time round so I can experience labour "properly"

You are not alone hun

 

[Morganuk]

Hun the main thing is your son was born safely and healthy into the world.
Ive had a natural and a c-section and myself personally feel no difference between the two.
It does not make you anyless of a person sweetie.

I really hope one day you get over this as it must not be nice for you hun

 

[charlotte_]

LO was back to back and he got himself wedged in

that's exactly what happened to us!
i feel very dissapointed by my birth, but my OH understands because i really hammered it into him how i wanted it to go before i went into labour!

the HV came round the other day & asked to check my wound, i made a comment about 'not believing he fit out of there!' and she replied 'well how do you think those of us who had proper births feel?'
PROPER?! sorry, what? making that comment doesn't fucking help, especially after she'd gone on for about 15 minutes about how women who had sections are more likely to get PND, because they feel like a failure! stupid woman.

 

[ninjawomble]

the HV came round the other day & asked to check my wound, i made a comment about 'not believing he fit out of there!' and she replied 'well how do you think those of us who had proper births feel?'.

What a stupid bitch! And the way I feel Id of prolly told her this!