don't want to think about it anymore

[missy1]

... Just started period.... I'm sure you understand, the disapointment, the horrible waiting time before and the general disillusion that comes with the first show of your monthly visitor. To be honest right now I don't want to have any thoughts about pregnancy, babies, fertility.... I just want it all to go away.

It's been about 6 or 7 years since I first felt the urge to have a baby with my partner, we've been together 10 years and he's quite a stressed person.... feeling very resentful towards him just now because of that.

Right now, I don't even want a baby, the whole experience has pissed me right off. I don't want to think about it I really don't but whatever I do to try and not think about it or not expect or hope it's gonna be this month fails.... every month for 6/7 years these thoughts have taken control of me, I feel like I should be able to control it.... It's not even rational for us to have a baby right now but it doesnt matter those thoughts still plague me every month and every month when my period comes I'm down, depressed, feeling inadequate.

I'm 29 and ALL my friends are having babies, family members too and plus, I work with toddlers so constantly thinking about what it's like to be a parent or how I would feel if I was that mum with that child or wondering if my child would be like that one or that one or how I am so sure I would be a better parent than that person.... it drives me mad!!!! I'v had enough. I tried to alter my thinking, throw myself into other things, hobbies, our relationship but I think I just want kids... theres no logic to it which is the thing that really gets to me, I'm a smart, intelligent, logical person but all this baby/pregnancy obsession is so irational.

People around me are moaning about their kids and I'm just thinking SELFISH!! then theres the collegues who are always diagnosing my pregnancy whenever I say i got a headache or feel dizzy or sick, it's so annoying!! then theres the people who are always trying to talk me out of my situation and telling me I should just enjoy life without the hassle of children, they just don't understand.... do you understand? I'm desperate to understand why do I feel/think like this, why don't I have any control.

I really hope someone is reading this and can share with me some understanding words because the people around me just make me feel like I'm being stupid and irational... yeah thanks!!!!!

Hope I can get over this sometime as I don't think I'm ever going to conceive and just want to come to terms with it

 

[Nurse 26]

oh i'm really sorry you are having such a bad time

Have you been to the Doc's and had tests ect?

People can really be insensitive sometimes, i hate getting constantly asked if i'm pregnant everytime i yawn.

 

[missy1]

.... I think I'm just too scared, also I was in my early 20's at the beginning and just thought it would happen when the time is right, now I'm thinking fertility tests is gonna have to be the way to go, especially where he is concerned!! I'v had various general test's, once because my Dr mis-diagnosed a miscarriage!!!! always been told everything is normal, periods regular, ovaries fine, tubes fine etc. only prob I have is ovulation pain but apparently thats a GOOD sign??

When we 'tried' I just lost it completely.. total obsession and stress so I stopped marking dates and counting days and just decided to make love as often as possible, that was a couple of years ago.

Thank you so much for your reply, it means alot

 

[PrettyFx]

Im so sorry to read this, I understand your frustration, though I have only been trying for 5 months, it seems like a nightmare to me, so I cant even begin to imagine how your holding up. Men can't be understanding or helpful in these situations, my husband wont even have a SA because he might feel like "less of a man" if he finds out anything bad, but its ok for me to feel like less of a fucking woman. Which in my opinion is way worse. Everytime I remind myself that he said that I feel like divorcing the *******. URGH!

I have so many positive things to tell you, the fact that your being told everything is normal is fantastic. My best friend was trying to conceive for 10 years, she was told everythign was normal, and no one could understand why they werent conceiving, then as soon as she gave up hope, after 10 years, they got PG with their first baby. The same thing happened to my husbands friends mum. Its so strange how fertility works, we demand so much from our bodies, the only thing we can do is to be patient and strong I guess.

I hope your ok xxx

 

[Helven]

Missy, I 100% understand where you are coming from. I have been ttc for just over 3 years, at first it was exciting and I didnt put much thought into it and then after 4-5 months of trying and having no luck, I became obsessed. The heart ache every month.

To cut a long story short my husband would not go and have his seamen tested, fear more than anything. But in December he did and results came back normal.

In January I was convinced that I was Pregnant, for the first time in 3 years I really really thought it was my month. But no it was not my month.

So finally 2 weeks ago I got mysef to the Dr's I ahve asked her to start the ball rolling with tests to see what the problem is.

For someone who has been trying for 3 years, my knowledge is much less than some of the other ladies here that have been trying for less time. I dont use OPK's, nor do I do temps. The funny thing is, the reason I dont do them is because I didnt want to become obessed with TTC but my life revolves around it anyway.

My advice to you is to get your partner to have his seamen checked and for you to go to the dr's and start the ball rolling. I wish more than anything that I could stop thinking about getting pregnant and I bet it would happen if I just relaxed and went with the flow (strange choice of word there)!!!!! xxxxx

 

[LouiseB]

I'm so sorry missy.

You are without doubt the most... i don't even know how to describe it....

...you are the most desparate person i've encountered online at all.

You are clearly in so much pain and feeling so much anger and frustration that it is palpable.

I was wondering what diagnositics and treatments you have had over the 7 years that you have been ttc?

Are you out of options or you simply don't know what your options are?

I think you really need to figure out which road to take to get you to where you want to be. It might not be the straight line you expected, but i don't believe anyones situation is ever completely hopeless.

I do understand the source of your feelings - the yearning to be a mother - but you are so consumed that i don't understand really. I'm not sure anyone could unless they too are so devoid of hope which must be a really dark and lonely place

I'm here to chat if you want, just send me a PM xx

 

[Nurse 26]

.... I think I'm just too scared, also I was in my early 20's at the beginning and just thought it would happen when the time is right, now I'm thinking fertility tests is gonna have to be the way to go, especially where he is concerned!! I'v had various general test's, once because my Dr mis-diagnosed a miscarriage!!!! always been told everything is normal, periods regular, ovaries fine, tubes fine etc. only prob I have is ovulation pain but apparently thats a GOOD sign??

When we 'tried' I just lost it completely.. total obsession and stress so I stopped marking dates and counting days and just decided to make love as often as possible, that was a couple of years ago.

Thank you so much for your reply, it means alot

Ye i think a trip to the DR's is good idea, at least if they find everything is normal, it will put at ease some of the worrying. Have you tried OPK's? Theres loads of info on here about them, and they will pin point OV days down so you know your most fertile time. I have found i dont actually get OV pains the day i OV its a few days before.

 

[Kerrieanne]

Missy, You poor thing!

I know exactly how you feel

I so know about the frustration and disappointment. Sometimes this journey can all get quite overwhelming, can't it.

The whole experience is pissing me right off at the moment too. I get good and bad days. This week is a bad week. I just feel so low and can't snap out of it.

I too am 29 and have been TTCing for many years with no identified problems. My 30th birthday should be fun this year but all i want to do is go away and have a quiet one.

A close friend of mine is pregnant and every time we meet i feel butterflies, nervous because i don't really want to see her. (awful isn't it but she's a constant reminder of what i can't have). Still i smile and say all the right things hoping the evening goes quick so i can go home.

I only get nervous because i can't control my emotions at the moment, what with all the hormone drugs etc. I don't want to cry in front of people, don't want to show my true feelings but i cry at anything these days.

Oh and the Dreams, they can be so crule sometimes too.

Hang in there chicken your not alone here and never give up. I won't!!

Kerrie XX

 

[missy1]

Missy, You poor thing!

I know exactly how you feel

I so know about the frustration and disappointment. Sometimes this journey can all get quite overwhelming, can't it.

The whole experience is pissing me right off at the moment too. I get good and bad days. This week is a bad week. I just feel so low and can't snap out of it.

I too am 29 and have been TTCing for many years with no identified problems. My 30th birthday should be fun this year but all i want to do is go away and have a quiet one.

A close friend of mine is pregnant and every time we meet i feel butterflies, nervous because i don't really want to see her. (awful isn't it but she's a constant reminder of what i can't have). Still i smile and say all the right things hoping the evening goes quick so i can go home.

I only get nervous because i can't control my emotions at the moment, what with all the hormone drugs etc. I don't want to cry in front of people, don't want to show my true feelings but i cry at anything these days.

Oh and the Dreams, they can be so crule sometimes too.

Hang in there chicken your not alone here and never give up. I won't!!

Kerrie XX

Thanks Kerrieanne,

it's so good to know I'm not the only one, today was better, yesterday i had a crying day and just felt so out of control and emotional. I also visited friends this week who just had a baby..... we go on holiday's with them often as couples and they just so happend to conceive while on holiday with us...... gutted and resentful!! as a result i havn't wanted to see them and had a serious pre-menstrual episode that day, but I am happy for them and hope our time will come. think this week it all just got on top of me. I wish you all the best and hope our time will come....soon!!

Thanks for your words and good luck
Rachel x

 

[missy1]

Ye i think a trip to the DR's is good idea, at least if they find everything is normal, it will put at ease some of the worrying. Have you tried OPK's? Theres loads of info on here about them, and they will pin point OV days down so you know your most fertile time. I have found i dont actually get OV pains the day i OV its a few days before.

Thanks for your reply, I will definatly take your advice

Rachel x

 

[missy1]

Missy, I 100% understand where you are coming from. I have been ttc for just over 3 years, at first it was exciting and I didnt put much thought into it and then after 4-5 months of trying and having no luck, I became obsessed. The heart ache every month.

To cut a long story short my husband would not go and have his seamen tested, fear more than anything. But in December he did and results came back normal.

In January I was convinced that I was Pregnant, for the first time in 3 years I really really thought it was my month. But no it was not my month.

So finally 2 weeks ago I got mysef to the Dr's I ahve asked her to start the ball rolling with tests to see what the problem is.

For someone who has been trying for 3 years, my knowledge is much less than some of the other ladies here that have been trying for less time. I dont use OPK's, nor do I do temps. The funny thing is, the reason I dont do them is because I didnt want to become obessed with TTC but my life revolves around it anyway.

My advice to you is to get your partner to have his seamen checked and for you to go to the dr's and start the ball rolling. I wish more than anything that I could stop thinking about getting pregnant and I bet it would happen if I just relaxed and went with the flow (strange choice of word there)!!!!! xxxxx

Thanks, I will definatly get him to get tested, I think this is the best course of action for now, I appreciate you sharing your experience with me.

Good luck
Rachel x

 

[missy1]

Thank you for your reply, I will get the ball rolling and sort myself out!!

Good luck to you
Rachel x

 

[missy1]

Im so sorry to read this, I understand your frustration, though I have only been trying for 5 months, it seems like a nightmare to me, so I cant even begin to imagine how your holding up. Men can't be understanding or helpful in these situations, my husband wont even have a SA because he might feel like "less of a man" if he finds out anything bad, but its ok for me to feel like less of a fucking woman. Which in my opinion is way worse. Everytime I remind myself that he said that I feel like divorcing the *******. URGH!

I have so many positive things to tell you, the fact that your being told everything is normal is fantastic. My best friend was trying to conceive for 10 years, she was told everythign was normal, and no one could understand why they werent conceiving, then as soon as she gave up hope, after 10 years, they got PG with their first baby. The same thing happened to my husbands friends mum. Its so strange how fertility works, we demand so much from our bodies, the only thing we can do is to be patient and strong I guess.

I hope your ok xxx

Thank you for sharing your exprerience with me and your friends.... there is hope, today anyway lol!!

Thanks again
Rachel x

 

[Esperanza84]

I understand you! I have only been ttc for a year now and both me and DH are going to get tested in april. It feels better to get the ball rolling to find out whats going on.

I try to focus on the positive things (even though its very hard sometimes); my period is regular, so is my ov and DH doesnt have a problem a out getting tested.

You hang in there and if you need to chat/get out some frustratin, Im here!

Good luck to you! Hope your bfp isn't too far away!

Xxx

 

[ClareA]

No one truely can understand your desperation. I have being TTC for just over 2 years while everyone who has been trying for a couple of months is now preganant, had 1st lot and 2nd lots of kids and yet I am still trying!! Ever since I was young it has been my biggest fear that I will never be able to have children of my own and I am really scared that there is the chance that this may happen. I have had numerous tests since November and up until this month everything is supposed to be fine with both myself and my OH. We are in the category 'unexplained infertility'. Then this month while going through our 2nd attempt at IUI my lining reduced despite being on drugs to try and help thicken it. It was pretty devastating but now I also see some possible hope as they are doing on hysteroscopy on me next month to see if there is some abnormality and maybe if there is, they can do something about it.

To us all, babies seem like the next logical step to being married (I waited 12 years for my husband to ask me!!!) and so I just have to believe that there is HOPE out there. I used to do all the charting, temp checks every morning etc and I got to the point of not being bothered. I still take folic acid every day and have just started taking a 500mg dose of vitamin C and well - all my bits are crossed. My parents swim evey morning and their lengths are taken up with saying prayers for me (we are catholics- normal ones though - not the lunatic type!) and I just hope that one day these prayers will be answered.

No one can change the way you feel or even make things better - you just have to believe in yourself and live each day as it comes.
xxxxx

 

[TiffanyJaynexo]

I'm going to take my time and effort writing this reply because I feel very understanding and the need to try and help you

I'm so sorry this month wasn't 'your time'. It's never my time either and I have been TTC for over a year, as well as having unprotected sex a lot longer than that! The hope you have when you feel this is your month, and then BAM! your AF has arrived and you feel totally pointless and down about everything and even when you get your AF, you're thinking things like, "Maybe I am pregnant but I'm just bleeding because some women do bleed when they're pregnant". You hold onto every inch of faith that you're pregnant, and it just simply is never 'your time'. I even recall pretending I don't have period pains a few times too, hoping that it will just go away, and not telling my OH that I have pains because I don't want to let him down

Stress plays a major role in both genders when it comes to TTC. My partner is stressed a lot too, only recently was it when I noticed this after his mother said to him, "You're stressed all the time Daniel, It's not going to happen if you're stressed you know". It really hit home so then I spoke to him about this and asked him to just 'chill'. My parents are TTC also and I believe that stress is to blame for conceiving proving difficult for them. My Dad has had major heart surgery just a year ago and more major heart surgery coming up in a month. It's just all too much for them. As for my partner, it's a lot easier for us because he doesn't have a stressful job or a bunch of stressful kids to look after. It's just me, him and in his words: "My nagging mum".

I've been thinking about giving up this month also I'm still in with a chance but I still feel like there's no hope for us. So I can understand that this current disappointment you're going through is making you feel like giving up.

I agree with you 100% about the selfish parents bit. I see it every day. A good example of it was broadcast on TV a few weeks ago: The police officer that was shot in the head and made permanently blind by Raoul Moat said on TV, "The day of the incident I was putting up birthday decorations for my little girl, I was moaning about making holes in the ceiling, now I'm permanently blind and I won't see my little girl again, How selfish is that?". But we're all selfish from time to time, so I can't hate others for doing it as I do it myself.

Apart of me thinks I'm not going to ever get pregnant because I have this gut feeling that I'm infertile There's no proof that I am, but it's something I will look into if I fail to conceive within the next few months. I advise you to do the same, but as soon as possible. See your doctor about this, let your heart out and ask for help. You need this more than anyone else, even more than me. I've been trying for a while yes, but not as long as you.
Please see your doctor about this situation, and bring your OH with you! You both need to be examined and your situation needs to be looked at. If you truly want children, if you think you were born to be a mummy then do something about it. Don't dream it, be it.

I wish you all the best, I really do! I'm no miracle worker but I hope it all works out for you and you get that baby you want so much. I hope it works out for me too, but really I hope it works out for you more You deserve it girl. Good luck and keep us posted about that doctors appointment! xxx