Just need to write this down

[Tangerinedream]

Ive been with my OH for 13 years now and we have always had a great relationship until quite recently. I dont know if our relationship has done its miles or if Im just being selfish/irrational/hormonal. I just seem to be so hot and cold about him at the moment and when Im hot, I mean warm. We have never really had much in common but that has never mattered but now we have Jake the differences seem huge, well they do to me. I used to be like a puppy with him always telling him I loved him, would do anything for him, I would ask him if he loved me and he would reply "only when you arent moaning/miserable" and that used to break my heart. I would think how can you just turn your love on and off? But that is how I feel now. I just dont have the time or patience for him sometimes. Before we had Jake i used to let him get away with so much, (not like affairs or anything, I trust him to the end of the Earth) but being hypicritical, biggoted, unfair or down right rude. Now I dont and am always bickering with him, on a bad day I pick on everything he says. I dont know if that has anything to do with toughening up with being a mum. I think Im feeling like this because I want more out of life than he does. He didnt really want kids but was overjoyed when i fell pregnant, he doesnt want any more, but I do and I think that is the biggest thing. He has said if I want more kids I will have to find somebody else to father them, that hurt. What was worse was that he said it infront of his parents. Next time he says it I half tempted to say alright then I will! I wont lie, I have thought about what it would be like to leave him and bring Jake up by myself. My mum brought me up by herself so that feels totally natural. I was out with him and my friend the other night and we were pretend bickering and he mentioned about him leaving with Jake which really winded me and upset me. If he did have Jake I dont think he would cope to be perfectly honest, he doesnt know half of what you have to do to keep house. He just sits there playing his online game and has done for about 5 years, i can just see him vegetating (sp) infront of his game. He is happy to go to work, come home, play game, bed, next day the same... forever. Our sex life is almost non-existant. His idea of foreplay is a quick grope, then in... I just dont enjoy it anymore. He doesnt want to be adventerous (never has) where as I do. It used to really upset me, now I am past caring, I just dont have sex with him any more.

I feel like Im being selfish. I keep asking myself if this is just a blip or if this is the begining of the end. I dont want to follow my heart (and leave) if it is just a blip and uproot everything and everybody (Jake is potty about his daddy and vice versa). I do know the grass always looks greener on the other side, but rarely ever is. I just dont feel like he is willing to support me in what I want to do with my life. We have both made compremises for our relationship but I have compremised some of my beliefs and who I want to be for our ralationship, which sometimes makes me feel quite ahamed. Whenever I try to talk about things with him he talks to me like I a stupid girl, and makes my argument seem really laime.

I feel like Ive just totally slagged him off, he is such a lovely, caring, generous person. I do love him, I just needed to get this off my chest. Sorry if it doesnt make any sense, Im trying to mke sense of it myself. Thanks for reading if you have gotten this far

 

[reallyoldmum]

Oh honey have some I think we all go through this to a certain extent, well I know I do.

 

[dannii87]

Oh hun I would say don't make any rash decisions just yet. Let it ride it's course if that's what is going to happen. You don't know what's round the corner. But I also think you should never stay with someone for the sake of the kids. For the sake of the kids would be to follow your heart and do what YOU feel right. Kids pick up on things so if you think this is the beginning of the end, I would say to leave. It doesn't sound like it is though, you said yourself it could be hormones or just a "glitch".

If you genuinely didn't want to be with him anymore and this really was the end of the road, you'd have spent the time that you spent writing this post packing your things and going.

I'm backtracking, I know! I also think that you have to hit a breaking point when it comes to ending a relationship. You'll never be able to move on unless you hit that point of no return. It doesn't sound like you've hit it, just sounds as though you've hit a bump in the road.

Relationships are rocky at the best of times, so I'd say stick with it (as much as you can) and try to lay of him a bit and see how he reacts. He's probably stressed with your nagging (no offense! Please don't take that the wrong way) and you're getting stressed with him getting stressed and it becomes a vicious circle of venting and resentment!

By all means, ignore my reply - I am, after all, very very single xx

 

[charliebeth]

I would suggest trying to stick it out a while longer. The fact that you ended by saying he was great really says to me that you are just mightly p***ed off with him right now.

My hubby was the same - work, home, net games, bed, and start again next day - until he lost his job and saw just how much hard work being a full time parent is. We've had all the same problems and all the same rows (only he wants MORE kids than I am willing to pop out). I've felt just like you more than once (not that he knows it).

And like you, I still love him.

I'm taking anti depressants at the moment for PND and found that they brought down my anxiety levels enough for me to be able to sit and explain WHY what he did wound me up without falling into that nagging trap. Catching him at the right time helped - we had no internet for 3 weeks! We HAD to talk. And now things are loads better.

I hope things get better for you, if you can get some time alone with him, away from the stress of home/work and distraction of the internet you might be able to work things out.

 

[Babylicious]

on hunny I really know where you are coming from as I felt like this towards Paris's dad. I stayed with him for 7 years but I was never truely happy. We had the same sort of relationship, he was boring, old before his time and generally miserable.

I'm not saying leaving him would be the best thing, all I know is I stayed miserable for a long time

 

[clarey]

sounds tough hun, reread that post in a week or so and see if you still feel the same, maybe even show it to him if he wont listen properly, the written word usually hits home where talking doesnt, you def need to give him a chance to know how unhappy you feel

 

[MissThing]

It just sounds that you got into routine (which after 13!!!! years might happen to all couples).

Seems, that you do love him a lot. I know what you mean about not having patience anymore. I am like that too (if before I used to just laught about some of ther DH's habits, then now it just annoys me) I think it is a LOT to do with being a mum. And really, there is enought with one child. So you sort of expect your OH to grow up (and when he has been your "baby boy" for such a long time, it is difficult to change). I am getting better with it. I think, I just needed to realise that my DH is the same person I married, and I love him a lot (and without his silly habits he would be he)

Have you been talking with your OH about how you feel?
And, maybe a nice couple short-break is needed. It is very easy to forget that in the beginning you were a couple.
And, maybe spicen up your sex life? Like get initiative in your hands (get sexy, by sexy I mean really tarty lingerie, have a nice meal somewhere)

About not having other children. Well, I dont think there is something to do with not wanting/loving you anymore.

Fot my DH a thought of having another baby now gives him nightmares (well, for me too! ) Just give him time! (and, DONT talk about it every moment Thats what I did. LOL )

All couples have difficult times. Just some split, and other take it to the new dimention.
Hope everything will work up for you!

xxx
Carina

 

[lfc_sarah]

Aw hun

I think you should try and make it work
13 years is a long time..
And it does seem like youve just got into a little routine

Have a proper chat and try and have some time alone together maybe get a babysitter?
It definately helps... me and my OH dont have problems but were always so much closer after time together
Sex definately helps too,
why not play little games like set an alarm clock and sat you have to play touch kiss me until the alarm goes off then you can "stick it in"
Me and Lee do it sometimes on his days off and its so much better than wham bam thank you mam!!
An its so much better having to wait for it...

Maybe then, if you get back to being happy he will want more kids ect
I think it would be hard to think of having more kids if your not happy in the relationship

Good luck

 

[Tangerinedream]

Thanks for your replies, once again PF forum members are priceless!

I feel a lot better since writing that, and things have been better too. A lot better. I think i was in a bit of a foul mood and just feeling the pressure of all of these confilicting thoughts and feelings building up. It helped me sort out my thoughts and also feel calmer. It was very theraputic I think

After writing that down I told OH that we are going to have 2 days each week when the internet is kept switched off. Last night was the first and it was nice to just spend time with him curled up on the settee watching a film with a beer. We are also going to have Jake at his g'rents one night once a month, more if I can cope with being away from him that much lol

Sarah, I like your idea about using a timer, might use that one

Thanks again everyone for your replies, its good to know that everybody gets like this sometimes too

 

[mamichuli]

No wise advice hun, just wanted to send you some hugs and hope it sorts itself for you , whatever you decide.

I have to say I like the idea of no internet days... might propose that at home!


Lisa

 

[rusks]

sorry you feeling like this hunny, girls have given some great advic here, good idea bout switching off the internet 2 nights a week, me and DH are guilty of spending too much time on the web. can you palm jake off on someone for the weekend at some point and spend time just the two of you go out and have time for yourselves, its priceless xx

 

[Redshoes]

 

[trixipaws]

sorry iv only just seen this. hope the working at it goes well hun but please dont stay with him if in ur heart u dont love him *in that way* anymore. best of luck

 

[Snuggle]

Sounds like you hit a rut hun and glad you're working through it now. Me and hubby got into a rut and split in January, we thought we didnt feel the same about each other anymore but realised we did, we just had to change some things
A couple of nights a week without internet sounds good, think I need that here TBH, we're on far too much