does he really want a baby with me?

[dina.marie]

me and my fiance have been together about a year and a half. im 21 and he's 28 and we live together. since we started seeing each other he was open about wanting kids one day but never found the right girl. his ex got pregnant on purpose without him knowing she stopped taking the pill. he made her have an abortion even though he was desperate for a baby because he couldnt stand the deception and aparently was more of a 'play mate' than a long term girlfriend.

anyway our relationship has been going really well, he proposed on my birthday in march and really seemed to be ready for comitment. around xmas time we started talking about starting a family and he told me he's found the woman he wants to have children with. according to friends and family he's really grown up in the recent years.

i fell pregnant in april and we were over the moon. sadly i had a miscarrige 3 weeks ago, which we were devastated about and i was amazed at how supportive he was.

the thing is for months we've been talking about selling the house, i cant do anything about it because his ex is still on the deeds. i've even offered to pay to get her off so we can sell the house and find somewhere of our own. im fed up living in 'their' house with two lodgers to through into the equation. i was so eager to have a family home with him and our baby. i keep asking him to make an appointment with the solicitor./estate agent but he keeps dragging his feet. i want to de-clutter and decorate in prep for selling but he couldnt care less.

also even before we started to concieve i stopped smoking and drinking. he carried on like there was no tomorrow even though he promised me he could stop and he knew i thought he was being really unsupportive.

i also have saved up hundreds in a savings account and have been paying off my credit card so that we are in the best financial situation to give our baby the best start in life. where he is in massive of debt, doesnt pay the bills and chooses to spend all his money on beer and spends hundreds on deralict cars for his new hobby banger racing.

i just dont know where is priorities lie. the money he's throwing away can be used to sell the house and get a new place and save up etc. if he really wanted a baby that much would he be acting like this???? we're still really sad i had a miscarriage but its put things into perspective. we said we would try again after my first period but i really think he needs to pull his finger out.

sometimes i feel like im just being incredibly needy and naggy and i should be more laid back. i dont have any friends here, i moved here to be with my OH. i just feel very lonely and confused. could do with some advice.

sorry this has been so long.

 

[Melly+2]

Tbh hun i think its just a man thing, my oh is the same. He hasnt lifetd a finger to decorate, do the garden it took him 3 weeks to get his car scrapped after he got a new one Not all men are like it but some are and unfortunalty we have found a couple of them

 

[zebrastripes]

To be perfectly honest, it sounds to me like he is a little immature. I could be entirely wrong of course: but it does seem like he wants a baby for the joy of aquisition rather than because he wants to be a father. A man who is desperate for a baby does not "make" his girlfriend get an abortion, no matter how much of a bitch she is- because at the end of the day, that would be his baby too. I don't mean that your OH is a bad person- he's obviously not as he was supportive after you miscarried- but I don't think he's thought this through.

I think men can sometimes see a baby as something cute that they can throw in the air and tickle, something that will consolidate their manliness, but at the same time he does not seem to be willing to give up his lifestyle. I'm not saying he wouldn't be a dedicated father, but he does not seem to relaise the implications fatherhood brings- he simply wouldn't have the money for doing up old cars for a start.

I think it's a little too early for him yet.I'm sure he will be a great father when the time comes, but if i were you I'd give it a while. You're doing everything correctly: keep saving etc, get an appointment with his solicitor and make him go! Sell your house, get your debts cleared, and then re-eveluate the situation TTC wise.

 

[abcd1234]

he made her have an abortion even though he was desperate for a baby because he couldnt stand the deception and aparently was more of a 'play mate' than a long term girlfriend.

Sorry but WTF!!! I really hope thats just wrong wording!! My ex asked me to have an abortion as we wearnt serious and funnily enough he was told to F off!!!

The house stuff is a bloke thing, Dave's always going on about wanting to decorate the house but i never actually get him to do anything

I'd just sit down and talk to him hun, ask him what he REALLY wants, and you could even make a list of things you want to do before you have a baby, try and make it a joint thing, even if it does mostly involve his stuff.

 

[Penstraze]

I think I personally would say to him I wasnt happy continuing trying for a baby until he showed some commitment towards making a home and life for one by sorting out selling house and being more responsible with money! Hopefully if he really wants a baby that will jolt him into some action, I wouldn't say it in a nagging way just simply that you didnt feel happy trying for a baby until the house and money was being sorted as it isnt the environment you want to bring a baby into!

My DH can be abit of a nightmare if anything involves effort on his behalf it rarely gets done he doesn't mean to not do things hes just a little bit useless he is a nightmare with money too and for most of this pregnancy has continued wasting money, although he has brought all the big things for baby and shown alot of interest in everything we need for baby, but he suddenly seems to have realised how things are on the money front and that he now needs to buckle down. This pregnancy wasn't planned so money and things are an issue and getting DH to give up things he loves for a baby he originally didn't want wasn't easy but he is so excited and looking forward to meeting baby now if he can do such a big turn around for a baby he initially didn't want Im sure your OH is capable to do the same for a baby he says he really wants! Actions speak louder then words, after all you have been through you need the reasurance from him that he wants the same things as you and will work hard to give baby the home and up bringing he/she will deserve thats totally understandable and hopefully if you have a bit of a chat he can show you how serious he is about it!

 

[dina.marie]

thanks. i know hard times can put strain on a relationship and you cant see the wood from the trees. i was just getting my knickers in a twist and wanted to put things into perspective. he's not a bad guy, maybe a little rough round the edges, but i do love him. i just dont know how serious he is sometimes. im sure it is just a guy thing. i suppose its a bit like wedding day cold feet. i do love him, and i do want to be with him, but having a baby is serious and its made me think about what i really want. ahh none of this is making sense. is there such thing as a prince charming????

 

[Melly+2]

No My bf insists he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but wont get engaged yet, hes not ready, but hes ready to have 2 kids with me, it just makes me laugh Men are a bit poo when it comes to feelings

 

[Melly+2]

No My bf insists he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but wont get engaged yet, hes not ready, but hes ready to have 2 kids with me, it just makes me laugh Men are a bit poo when it comes to feelings

 

[dina.marie]

i needed that chuckle. i guess your right. men r just poo! lol but we love em.

 

[Melly+2]

id have a talk with him but im sure you will be ok, kick his ass into touch, he may still be feeling alot of emotions from when you lost your bubs and it means hes being a bit sheltered thats all

 

[LisaJ1986]

MEN!!! Mine's the same. I had to decorate the nursery when i was nearly 8 months pregnant! I did it all on my own. The gardening is my responsibility. I chose to have to dogs so the crap is my job! Besides the fact it needs a damn good gutting and renovating! But with a tiny baby it's almost impossible to get done! He calls me when he's on his way home from work so that i can start tea and it'll be ready for when he got in!

Tbh, if i hadn't found out i was pregnant so late (13weeks!) he'd have question us having an abortion. We're not financially stable really. But he'd certainly never change things now!

Men are simply pigs! He knows he is as i tell him regularly!

 

[Geordie&Bairn]

No My bf insists he wants to spend the rest of his life with me but wont get engaged yet, hes not ready, but hes ready to have 2 kids with me, it just makes me laugh Men are a bit poo when it comes to feelings

sounds familar though James says there is no need to show his commitment through getting married he dose it by being with me and loving me which is true but id love us to get married one day

Dina
i know whats its like to not know anyone and to have moved to be with you OH i did the same 5 years go moved down for my home

 

[nori]

Hiya!

Ok.. i reakon his behaviour is one of two things:

Hes either not dealing with the miscarriage situation well atall and being an irresposible bugger as his way of coping (men are stupid) Have you both spoken about it much?

Or.. hes just an immature man who needs to grow up. My OH was a nightmare for a good few years and looking back i have no idea why i stuck with him. The amount of peope who told me to walk away yet i still didnt. I perservered and now people cant beleive how much he has changed! Saying that we do have a few ups and downs but now its mainly ups.

I personally wouldnt even consider having a baby until you have both figured out what his problem is. You really need to sit down and talk.

I also dont envy you having to live in the house him and his ex were living in especially if she is still on the deeds. I also had a fair few problems with my OH's ex being on the scene. She caused a lot of trouble and my OH was too stupid to realise what she was doing. You need complete closure on that front. Never trust a woman ex!

Good luck and let us know how you get on!

Claire x

 

[lisa&alex]

haven't really got any advise for you.. only dont expect him to change ones you are married.. coz he wont. remember that this is what he is like and marriage and children dont change men.. infact i think it makes thaeir faults a smidge worse tbh.. but if you can deal with it and accept him then you will do ok xx

 

[dannii87]

Firstly, I've read your post and can I just say that one day (be it now or in a years time), you are going to make a FANTASTIC Mum...!

From what you've said, it does sound like he's ready for a child and willing to spend the rest of his life with you, he's just being lazy about it. Could it also be that he's pretty scarred from the MC and doesn't want to get "too prepared" for another baby just in case little bean is taken away from you both again? Maybe he'll get his arse into gear once you're into the safety zone? He might suprise you! He might not.

Maybe he'll start moving once you're pregnant again? He might be enjoying his youth whilst he has no responsabilities, and whilst it sounds as though he could well happily give up the nights out, fags & booze for when you fall pregnant again, you've taken all the right steps to ensure you're both ready and prepared for a LO. He needs to understand that and co-operate.

I'm sure you'll both be fine after a long hard chat about the steps you want to take ready for that BFP.

He just needs a little shove in the right direction! xx

 

[dina.marie]

Firstly, I've read your post and can I just say that one day (be it now or in a years time), you are going to make a FANTASTIC Mum...!
x

thank you that was so sweet and tbh was exactly what i needed to hear.

things are alot better now, when i re-read my post i dont really know what i was so worried about. i guess i was still really upset and insecure about the m/c and it just highlights other worries and concerns in my life, to be expected really. nothings changed i still love him imesley, and ive realised he will just always be a big kid at heart and tbh thats what i love about him. we are getting closer to selling the house now and we are communicating better now. as awful as the bumps in the rollercoaster are its brought us closer together and now i know for sure that we are in this together forever. thanks for all ur support girlies. x

 

[dannii87]

Aww you're welcome!! I'm 20 and wish I'd sorted stuff out like you are doing It makes having a baby so much easier!

Sometimes you have to sit back and evaluate relationships to realise what you love about someone!

Glad you're closer to getting the house sold!! xx