coping with a traumatic birth

[titch]

Im really struggling to get over the way Morgan was born I can honestly say it was the worst week of my life.

I keep running everything through my head, I feel like I need answers to so many pedantic questions. Like on my notes it said that Id had gas and air during labour and I didnt. I want to run up to the hospital and demand an explanation for this insignificant oversight. I have no idea why or what it might achieve.

Every night when I go to bed I spend a good half hour before I fall asleep just remembering everything that happened. Sometimes I make myself cry. Im so tired looking after a newborn and yet as soon as I get into bed I dont sleep. Im starting to dread bedtime. I dunno why Im torturing myself.

I really feel like Im still waiting for him to be born. I didnt feel him being born, I didnt see him after he was born, my feet barely touched the floor of the labour ward before we were in surgery. I was never officially in labour. I remember being in recovery and looking down at my abdomen and being genuinely shocked that i wasnt pregnant anymore. I cant relate my baby to myself or my pregnancy. It feels like the whole pregnancy was some kind of dream or I was someone else. Most days I feel like Im looking after someone elses baby. Its a REALLY long baby sitting job.

I dont know what it feels like to give birth, I dont know what that moment, that everyone talks about, when you see your baby for the first time, feels like. Until yesterday I didnt know what breast feeding felt like.

I watched that "Cherry has a baby" programme the other day and they showed a clip of a woman have a hypno water birth. I was so excited to do that, it was exactly how I had visualised my own birth so many times. The moment that baby was born was amazing, and when she lifted her baby up and he just started breast feeding I completely broke down. OH had to take Morgan from my arms and he kept asking me what was wrong and I couldnt even speak.He stopped asking pretty quick cos he knew exactly what was wrong.

I cant read any of the posts in the 'new arrivals section' at the mo. I feel really selfish cos so many people read mine and left such lovely comments, but I just cant even open the section let alone read the birth stories. Im so sorry for that. I wish I could celebrate the births of all our lovely PF babies!

I went to a breast feeding suport group and had a lump in my throat just saying to a woman that Id had a ceasarian. It was so much effort not to burst into tears. Ive gone from being super confident and excited about giving birth to being totally afraid of getting pregnant again. I just cant go through that again Im so sad that its gone this way, I feel like Ive been robbed of this experience forever. Even though in the hospital they told me the surgeon assessed me as 'suitable forVBAC' I was told Id have to have continuous monitoring etc... To be honest the only way I could imagine giving birth again would be if i didnt have to go into hospital. Im so afraid of that place. All the wires and the monitors and needles. I know thats not going to happen, I wont ever be allowed a home birth, I will always be 'high risk' because Ive had preeclampsia and a c section.

This is all so wrong, it shouldnt have happened to me. Why couldnt it happen to one of those women who want to have an elective c section cos theyre too posh to push?!?! Not to me, Ive always wanted to be a mother. Ive visualised giving birth just as nature intended and I never thought that I would have to bottle feed my baby. I feel like Im not a mother at all.

Sorry for the long post, I need to offload some of this baggage. Im running out of people to cry in front of!

 

[AugustMum]

Oh tiny I really feel for you as I remember reading all your posts and you being so excited about the birth. Id like to say I can't imagine how you must be feeling but I keep thinking back to my birth and thinking how surreal it was, and it took me a good few weeks to bond at all with Paige.

Lying in the theater and then all of a sudden theres a baby being held next to you and their saying it's yours...I found that the oddest thing. I wanted to see my baby being born. I can't really offer advice as I seem to be keeping alot of my feelings to myself on my birth. I can only say that if you keep talking about it, maybe you can try and make some sence out it? Everything that didnt go to plan with this birth, could all be illiminated at your next. Sorry I cant offer anymore advice

 

[MrsR]

First massive massive hugs! Second I really think you need to speak to your midwife/gp whichever you feel comfortable speaking to about things as the feelings you've described can be the start of postnatal depression, especially the feelings of detachment you've described. It's hard but try to understand that you haven't failed as a woman or a mother by having to have a section, no one but you see your experience like that and you're putting so much stress on yourself which will make you feel worse. Regarding bedtime, do you have the opportunity during the day to nap when Morgan is sleeping? Do you have a wind down routine for yourself such as having a candle lit bath, getting into pyjamas, having a warm drink like horlicks and getting into bed? A lavender pillow might help to calm your mind too. A routine like this and keeping your bed and bedroom strictly for sleeping (and sex) let's your body know it's time for sleep so no reading in bed and no tele! You're an amazing woman and a wonderful mother. Just look at your determination with breastfeeding, your persistence with it has started to pay off which is absolutely amazing! It puts me to shame as I don't plan to do it at all! Don't worry about having another baby just yet honey as it's piling even more pressure in yourself that you don't need right now.
Please speak to your midwife or gp honey, they can really help you and might even be able to put you in touch with people who have been through similar and know exactly how you feel!
Sending you lots of hugs.

 

[Kiwi]

Hey hon, I'm so sorry to read you are feeling like this. To have such a traumatic birth experience would be tough for anyone to cope with and the fact you are able to express your feelings so eloquently about it is a good start.

I know from reading your posts you are a strong and very caring woman and don't think you're giving yourself enough credit for the amazing job you're undoubtedly doing. Like Helen says try talking to your midwife or GP - you definitely won't be the first (or last) woman who's felt like this.

 

[flexilexi394]

Hello tiny!
I'm really sorry to hear that you are feeling like this. Like many have said before me it's unimaginable to know what you are feeling, as I personally have no idea on birth or c sections or anything like it.
But I know one thing, your so brave for doing all that. I would personally be petrified and can relate to your flashbacks as I imagine myself being the same.
One things certain is you do need to speak to a gp if I were you, bacause you aren't alone and they are there to help you. And they will get you through this feeling.
Also, not everyone has an immediate bond with the baby. Especially with a section, as you don't have all the feeling of delivering your baby yourself almost, and that's fully understandable that he doesn't feel like your baby. I'm sure a lot of women feel the same.
But you've done it and you have your baby and one day in the near future you'll look back at how low you felt and think to yourself "wow, I've been successful and pulled myself out of that rut" and you'll have a normal happy life.
I hope you see someone. It will most definately help you, and I think your doing great. Give your self time to relax and sort out some alone time with your partner and I'm sure that will all contribute to making you feel better.
No one said it was an easy task, but your a great example of a determined woman that has now breastfed and wants her baby to have all that, and you'll come out on top. Xxx

 

[FebMum2Be]

Huge 's hun.. I too think you should talk to your GP or MW, you are doing a fantastic job and your determination with the breastfeeding is amazing, I gave up pretty quickly so for you to have gone on this long is fab We are all here for you to offload on any time xxxx

 

[karenandbump]

Hey Tiny - I really agree with Helen - think u need a chat with ur GP or HV. Also the hospital should agree to see you and talk you through whast happened which might really help you. After an emergency c-section with my little boy which was nothing like my plan I felt confused by it all. It is very strange and very dis-orientating to go through what you have but its really important to remeber that a successful birth is one where mum and baby get to go home - its not about how little one got here, it's that they did and for that you should be very, very proud of urself.

Please call ur GP or HV and I'd suggest the hospital too - they will be able to help you with this x x x

 

[isobel84]

oh tiny!! x

 

[frankie707]

just wanted to say that I think you did brilliantly and please look for support from mw/hv so you can move past this.

 

[leanne1b]

Hi tiny,
I wont pretend I can understand as I didn't have a caesarean, but from what you have descrbed, my sister went through the exact same thing (I was there) she got to labour ward, meconium in the waters, rushed to surgery (I was hysterically crying - she couldnt c me... I freak when I think anythings wrong) and though she didnt say it, I knew what she was thinking, and she spoke about it a little while later. It didnt bother her not doing the "labour" part, more that she could not see her child being hers, to her, she fell asleep pregnant, woke up and was getting this child thrown at her to breast feed (while still very very drugged) to the point where I was going mental at the midwives asking what the hell they were doing. My sister found it difficult to bond at first because of this, but they are very close now. It didnt take her long to bond, she just one day seemed to have something click in her head.
Though I had labour and pushing and all that, for the first 24 hours of my sons life (hes five and a half weeks) I felt nothing, and I really really hated myself because I couldn't wait to see him, and the second he was born, there was just no emotion. It was a long labour (about 48 hrs from beginning the induction to when he was born) so I don;t know if the trauma from that made me feel funny, but suddenly the first night home it hit me, and I literally haven't let him go anywhere without me since. I know I can;t understand, but I hope it helps knowing your not alone.
Take care honey, and do speak to your GP/MW or health visitor. Just talking about it might help relive some of the pressure
xxx

 

[liverpoolmum]

It's no surprise that you're feeling very raw over the birth, as pregnancy and birth are such life changing events anyway, and for it to go very differently to how you'd imagined, out of your control, is going to have a big emotional impact.

I remember that I was really down and relived my first birth (which, though fairly normal, was difficult in the last stage), and the horrendous tiredness I felt when my baby kept crying. I was shocked at how I felt. I cried within the first 3-4 days, not realising that I was having a huge hormonal crash, and my birth experience wasn't half as traumatic as yours sounds. Don't be hard on yourself for feeling sad. Going over it again and again is your way of coming to terms with it, and it's normal to do that after a trauma. I failed with breastfeeding after 3 weeks (or at least, I felt a failure) which left me distraught as the experience wasn't what I'd dreamed of. It took me months to feel totally okay with it all, but I got through it.

I'd have a chat with your midwife or GP, and see if you could talk to someone about the birth and even look at the notes if possible.

Yvonne

 

[skimpy]

Im really struggling to get over the way Morgan was born I can honestly say it was the worst week of my life.

I keep running everything through my head, I feel like I need answers to so many pedantic questions. Like on my notes it said that Id had gas and air during labour and I didnt. I want to run up to the hospital and demand an explanation for this insignificant oversight. I have no idea why or what it might achieve.

Every night when I go to bed I spend a good half hour before I fall asleep just remembering everything that happened. Sometimes I make myself cry. Im so tired looking after a newborn and yet as soon as I get into bed I dont sleep. Im starting to dread bedtime. I dunno why Im torturing myself.

I really feel like Im still waiting for him to be born. I didnt feel him being born, I didnt see him after he was born, my feet barely touched the floor of the labour ward before we were in surgery. I was never officially in labour. I remember being in recovery and looking down at my abdomen and being genuinely shocked that i wasnt pregnant anymore. I cant relate my baby to myself or my pregnancy. It feels like the whole pregnancy was some kind of dream or I was someone else. Most days I feel like Im looking after someone elses baby. Its a REALLY long baby sitting job.

I dont know what it feels like to give birth, I dont know what that moment, that everyone talks about, when you see your baby for the first time, feels like. Until yesterday I didnt know what breast feeding felt like.

I watched that "Cherry has a baby" programme the other day and they showed a clip of a woman have a hypno water birth. I was so excited to do that, it was exactly how I had visualised my own birth so many times. The moment that baby was born was amazing, and when she lifted her baby up and he just started breast feeding I completely broke down. OH had to take Morgan from my arms and he kept asking me what was wrong and I couldnt even speak.He stopped asking pretty quick cos he knew exactly what was wrong.

I cant read any of the posts in the 'new arrivals section' at the mo. I feel really selfish cos so many people read mine and left such lovely comments, but I just cant even open the section let alone read the birth stories. Im so sorry for that. I wish I could celebrate the births of all our lovely PF babies!

I went to a breast feeding suport group and had a lump in my throat just saying to a woman that Id had a ceasarian. It was so much effort not to burst into tears. Ive gone from being super confident and excited about giving birth to being totally afraid of getting pregnant again. I just cant go through that again Im so sad that its gone this way, I feel like Ive been robbed of this experience forever. Even though in the hospital they told me the surgeon assessed me as 'suitable forVBAC' I was told Id have to have continuous monitoring etc... To be honest the only way I could imagine giving birth again would be if i didnt have to go into hospital. Im so afraid of that place. All the wires and the monitors and needles. I know thats not going to happen, I wont ever be allowed a home birth, I will always be 'high risk' because Ive had preeclampsia and a c section.

This is all so wrong, it shouldnt have happened to me. Why couldnt it happen to one of those women who want to have an elective c section cos theyre too posh to push?!?! Not to me, Ive always wanted to be a mother. Ive visualised giving birth just as nature intended and I never thought that I would have to bottle feed my baby. I feel like Im not a mother at all.

Sorry for the long post, I need to offload some of this baggage. Im running out of people to cry in front of!

Oh dear, so sorry you are going through this. dont feel alone, plenty of us here have been through a traumatic birth; i count myself as one.

after a back to back labour with gas and air and pethidine and diamorphine but no epidural, i inded up with a ventouse delivery and some nasty stitching that i could feel being done. it was horrific. i went home 24 hours later, barely able to sit in the car let alone care for my baby. i breastfed for 2 weeks and gave up...i felt like rubbish and wasnt getting the let down reflex. after discussion with the health visitor, this was probably a result of the trauma i had sustained and my body being in a kind of shut down mode.

it all led to a difficult few months. but i did get through it. things settle and physical wounds heal. my son is now two and i still think about that birth, but it didn't stop us going for number two...my reckoning is that it would be unlikely to have a labour like that twice in a row, and i will request an epidural if there's time, and hopefully this will prevent some of the damage i sustained last time.

i have read about women who have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress as a result of a traumatic birth. i considered this with myself, but over time i started to feel better. if you are really not getting into the swing of motherhood and the birth is haunting you, seek medical advice, as you should not feel like this forever. you owe it to yourself, your baby and your family to get a doctor to take your feelings seriously and take action.

i hope that you start to feel better soon, and that your LO is thriving.

Take Care xx

 

[Rosie's Mummy]

Tiny Ive just seen this. Firstly I want to say that you are describing everything that I felt after I had Rosie. I cried for weeks afterwards and had a really hard time; I felt cheated and so sorry for myself. I was also very scared about Matt's birth in case I had to have another section. There isnt much I can say to make you feel better but I just wanted to say that it does get better, I will never really get over either of my sections and I have had to confront the fact that I will never experience a natural birth now but I know that years and years ago if I had been in labour with Rosie, we would have both died - I think the same applies to me and Matt. This is the only thing that makes it ok for me to remember my C-sections. I look at them both and remember how lucky I am really.

I really hope you get to a point where you can recover from this - counselling might be an option. I seriously was prepared to have counselling after this section but I think Im ok. Huge hugs hun xx

ps - re your hospital notes - this happened to me, they had written that I requested the nurses take Rosie away for an hour so i could sleep when she was fractious. In fact they insisted on this, I didnt want them to take my baby. I wish I had questioned this now, if you feel like you need to ask questions then go ahead, it could help you feel better about some of the stuff you went through x

 

[titch]

thanks everyone for all of your kind replies

its been a rollercoaster week. i had definately hit rock bottom when i wrote this. it was very therapeutic, after i finished writing i cried and cried for about an hour. i realised that although ive cried a lot ive always tried to fight the tears and always say 'sorry' for it. It felt so good to just let it al out. in the afternoon i felt like a cloud had lifted and i didnt feel so burdened and the next day was good too, until bed time when i was preparing LOs night feeds and realised the colic drops had run out. i absolutely could not cope, i completely overeacted i cried loads and couldnt think straight to carry on preparing his feeds. Im having good days and bad days and ive realised its very easy to fall apart

I think in a strange way finally being able to breastfeed my son brought all these feelings out more!

I told my friend how i was feeling, without going into detail, it was on facebook chat, and the first thing she did was comment on my photos of Morgan " so glad hes here safely" I felt so angry that i shutdown the laptop and text her to say it had crashed and i'd speak to her later. Why do people do that, thats what my OH kept saying until i told him how it made me feel like crap and was totally patronising. as if i dont know that it saved his life, as if i havent managed to work that one out myself. why dont people realise that being in a situation where your babies life has to be saved is hurrendous. yes he is the most important thing, but arent i allowed to feel shaken by it all? she has made more fuss over breaking her wrist and having to have surgery on it, and i dont think she equates that to having abdominal surgery somehow. she was actually whinging to me about how horribe it was being stuck in hospital. she was in for 2 days and had her own room.

now when OH he sees that im down he just cuddles LO and lets me have some space, then brings him to me and makes him fly towards me for a kiss, his little face is so funny when he 'flies' that i cant help but smile. and i realise myself that im so grateful that we have him, and i really do love him.

skimpy its really good to hear that you are having another youre right, the chances of it happening again are slim. its really inspiring to hear VBAC stories, look forward to reading yours!

 

[skimpy]

thanks everyone for all of your kind replies


skimpy its really good to hear that you are having another youre right, the chances of it happening again are slim. its really inspiring to hear VBAC stories, look forward to reading yours!

sorry if my post is misleading, i had a vaginal birth last time, a traumatic one.

some things will never change now re: people making comments that are felt as insensitive lol. we had an accident in the car last weekend and no one asked if i was ok, it was is wee man ok, is the baby ok lol. i still exist ya know lol xx

 

[titch]

Tiny Ive just seen this. Firstly I want to say that you are describing everything that I felt after I had Rosie. I cried for weeks afterwards and had a really hard time; I felt cheated and so sorry for myself. I was also very scared about Matt's birth in case I had to have another section. There isnt much I can say to make you feel better but I just wanted to say that it does get better, I will never really get over either of my sections and I have had to confront the fact that I will never experience a natural birth now but I know that years and years ago if I had been in labour with Rosie, we would have both died - I think the same applies to me and Matt. This is the only thing that makes it ok for me to remember my C-sections. I look at them both and remember how lucky I am really.

I really hope you get to a point where you can recover from this - counselling might be an option. I seriously was prepared to have counselling after this section but I think Im ok. Huge hugs hun xx

ps - re your hospital notes - this happened to me, they had written that I requested the nurses take Rosie away for an hour so i could sleep when she was fractious. In fact they insisted on this, I didnt want them to take my baby. I wish I had questioned this now, if you feel like you need to ask questions then go ahead, it could help you feel better about some of the stuff you went through x

thanks hun, its good to hear im not alone. i remembered you talking about your birth with rosie before we had our boys

why do they do that with the notes?! it was written in nearly every entry "attempted breastfeeding, baby disinterested" it really bugs me cos he was frantically rooting and getting really stressed by it cos he couldnt do it.

the worst was on the post surgery form;

skin to skin provided; no
if not reason; maternal request

eh?????!!! I never requested that. in fact on our way into surgery one of the nurses asked if i wanted skin to skin and i said yes definately. i know i couldnt have it cos i was reacting badly to the drugs and my whole body was shaking violently but dont write that i wanted that, cos I really really wanted to see my boy, i could hear him, but they never brought him to my side of the screen until after theyd checked him and wrapped him in a towel. i couldnt breathe cos my ribcage was contracting and i had an oxygen mask on, my jaw was locked closed and i was shaking someone waved him in front of my face in the towel then gave him to his daddy while they sorted me out. How can they write that i requested it???!! I couldnt even speak.

 

[titch]

thanks everyone for all of your kind replies


skimpy its really good to hear that you are having another youre right, the chances of it happening again are slim. its really inspiring to hear VBAC stories, look forward to reading yours!

sorry if my post is misleading, i had a vaginal birth last time, a traumatic one.

some things will never change now re: people making comments that are felt as insensitive lol. we had an accident in the car last weekend and no one asked if i was ok, it was is wee man ok, is the baby ok lol. i still exist ya know lol xx

ah yes, sorry i got muddled, ithink my brain disolved while i was pregnant!! it wont be called VBAC but Im sure when you have a natural birth it will feel just as triumphant as a VBAC!

sorry to hear about your car accident

 

[inky]

I'm sorry you're having these feelings Tiny, being a new mum is hard enough without having to cope with that plus a scar to heal too, but it does sound as though you're doing an awesome job, Morgan is very lucky to have you as his mummy

Skimpy, I can sympathise - your birth experience sounds pretty much identical to mine, I've been struggling with the idea of going through it all again but it's good to see it's not an impossibility! Hope all goes well x

 

[skimpy]

I'm sorry you're having these feelings Tiny, being a new mum is hard enough without having to cope with that plus a scar to heal too, but it does sound as though you're doing an awesome job, Morgan is very lucky to have you as his mummy

Skimpy, I can sympathise - your birth experience sounds pretty much identical to mine, I've been struggling with the idea of going through it all again but it's good to see it's not an impossibility! Hope all goes well x

Thanks Inky. Will let you know how it goes!!! how are you feeling now? managing to keep the BF'ing going?

 

[JJ Mum]

Oh Tiny, I have only just seen your post- sending you a big hug X even if you don't think so, you did and are doing amazing as a mum. Speak to the health visitors about your feelings, they are normal,and they can try to give you more support - I really needed this after my shell shock from my first baby, never be scared to ask for help, it's there for you when you need it, and is no obmissing of failure, failure would be to not reach out as you are doing now Hun.

I have only ever had sections, and my births are on paper nothing but clinical,planned, predetermined, surgery - and unfortunatley not labour where I have to work at this huge task, acomplish it and then my reward is seeing my baby come into the world, and think I did that..

I still feel robbed of the chance to see it from the other side, but am now farther on from birth, I am used to it, and see this as my birth experiance, and still a very valuable birth experiance , but just different.
Every birth is very different, adn unique to each mum. VBAC is a stong possibility, on anext time round but at worst case you will be more readyand mentally prepared if a section took over, this you never can be the first time round.

Just because you didn't push that little baby out, you still did the hard part the making and creating , the carring and carrying of your baby - and that's the bit that made the difference to your baby, and still is with that wonderful effort with breastfeeding, which is much harder after a section. (I am yet to manage this one myself, 3 babies on, and my only target this time round - so well done you

Keep talking , take a day at a time, and look for the smaller breakthroughs , and achievements you get with your baby X