hi everyone, 10 months later Im reading this back and shedding a few tears but feeling really proud of myself at how far I have come!! I have my final appointment with the counsellor tomorrow so I feel like Im really closing this chapter of my life, and good riddance too
I want to say to anyone reading this, who might be going through something similar that I do feel a lot better. But it didnt just happen over time. In fact, when my baby was 6 months old I was still pretty much feeling like this. No real progress, I just got better at hiding it. I was crying myself to sleep most nights and spending a lot of time obsessively remembering the birth. I think some things don't heal with time, they need more mending than that. This is my journey to recovery:
I rang the antenatal clinic one morning cos I just thought "Ive had enough". I had a complete meltdown on the bathroom floor and I knew I had changed so far from myself. I didnt think about it too much, which was probably a mistake cos I didnt really know what to say once someone answered the phone. I rambled about wanting to see my notes and is there someone who could talk me through them. I got a lump in my throat immediately, I had spent most of the last 10 months keeping my mind occupied so I didnt think too much about this stuff. I got put on hold and transferred 3 times and by the time I spoke to the poor receptionist at the womens health department I was bawling my eyes out and speaking at 100 miles per hour, she probably didnt understand most of it, but she got my mobile number.
A few hours later a midwife specialised in postnatal counselling rang me back. She asked me a few questions and asked "did you have a straight forward birth?" to which I said "noooooooooo" and started bawling again. She arranged to come and visit me at home 2 weeks later. I sobbed in the spare room for about an hour after that call, I didnt know it then, but that was the last time that I'd ever feel so lonely, empty and awful thinking about the birth, what I had done put me on the right track to recovery.
The cousellor/midwife came to my house and fortunately LO had just gone down for a nap and stayed there for an hour and a half (a minor miracle!) She asked me to just tell her about the birth and I totally clammed up, I didnt know where to start so she asked me a few questions then I dont know at what point it happened but I was away, there was no stopping me, I think I talked continuously for half an hour, I was bawling and got through so many tissues, for the first time I said "I thought I was going to die" and just cried for ages before I could talk again. I didn't realise that, that was a big part of my anxiety, seems so obvious to look back, but when I reread my first post here, I didnt really even touch on the fact that I had a massive allergic reaction in theatre and couldnt breathe. I think maybe I just blocked that bit out until I could deal with it.
Anyway Ive had a few appointments since, we've gone through my notes with a fine tooth comb, which was just incredible. I cried when I read the randomest things, cos its the little things sometimes, like a midwife acknowledging that youre exhausted or in need of support or reading that even though my LO was not BFing I was using good positioning etc...
I cant emphasise enough the power of looking through your notes, and also being able to just talk about the whole thing without stopping, completely socially inappropriate in any other situation, but thats why counsellors are so fab
I don't have the nighttime flashbacks anymore, I dont feel the need to keep my mind busy to avoid facing this stuff. I still feel like the birth was totally crap, and unfair, and I have cried typing this, but I think thats okay, because it
was crap! So its okay to cry a bit at crap stuff in life. But i can talk about it too, which is such amazing progress. I dont even get a lump in my throat cos i feel strong again, and I feel like me again
I did speak to my health visitor in t eh early days, and at the LOs 8 week check the doctor asked me if I was BFing and I broke down but I didnt get offered any help. In hindsight the fact that I obsessively tidied my cubicle on the postnatal ward, despite barely being able to walk and needing desparately to sleep shouldve raised a red flag that I was in a state of high anxiety
. I really had to get a little bit stronger to make that phonecall, but it was the best thing I ever did. So please dont give up. Don't feel like you should hide the way you feel, there are services out there to help women because many women before you have felt the exact same.
If anyone wants to talk please do PM me, without the support I had on here, I know I wouldnt be anywhere near as well as I am today. I'll give a lot of credit to my OH and my mother too, who have listened to me find a way to turn every conversation back round to the birth, and repeat myself more times than one person would normally be able to tollerate, and who never told me to pull myself together, or to stop talking about it. I feel so lucky when I look back. (and thats a sentence that I never thought Id end this thread with!)
xxxxx
