Constant Crying?

[Squiglet]

Is it constant crying if you are holding your LO's hand and stroking their face all the time, just refusing to pick them up while they are screaming at the top of their lungs... ???

Lil miss likes to be cuddled, carried and boobie fed till she passes out, only the minute you put her down she wakes up... if you put her down sleepy she will wake up properly and start crying, she will only stay asleep on the boob or in my arms... but I try and put her down either asleep or sleepy and then stroke her head and shhhhh her till she goes to sleep... Only she won't have any of it and won't stop crying till she gets a mummy cuddle... or she gets too tired and passes out.

There seems to be this whole stigma about constant crying... because its cruel and the babies don't understand etc... but I'm pretty sure lil miss knows that if she cries mummy picks her up, and that is what she wants... She doesn't like going to bed but shes soo obviously tired as she only has about 2 hours during the day (sleeps about 9 at night) and she will just keep crying till I do pick her up... And its only me too... Papa can't put her down.. it has to be mummy ....

Do I spoil her and just keep picking her up, what happens if I am not here ... or do I get strict as I have been doing (unsuccessfully I might add because the crying is just as bad as it was when she was tiny)... and just put her down and let her have a good grumble and cry...and just accept thats her way [/i]

 

[LucyBee]

That's a hard question.
I think it depends on how strong you are feeling and how much longer you can cope with things for!
I take it you mean controlled crying?

We did controlled crying with Tom. It was hard. So hard. But so worth it.

He has never been a great sleeper. I think it's all tied up with my PND as I couldn't bear to hear him crying when he was little so I used to hold him and rock him to sleep the whole time. If he so much as whimpered I picked him up and rocked him to sleep again. He totally got used to it and knew that if he cried, I'd be there in a flash to pick him up and hold him.

I've had so much advice on this. From my HV, my GP and from a sleep specialist.

There are conflicting views on controlled crying but, as I say, it worked for us and Tom is generally a happy little boy who sleeps well now.

The earlier you do it, the quicker it will be aswell.

Basically, put her down and leave her for one minute then return. Be calm and gentle and act completely normally (even if you feel like your heart is breaking!). Pat her on the tummy and sssshhhhh her. Stay in there for a max of 2 mins. Then leave her for 2 mins, then 5 mins, then 10 mins.

After a couple of nights (it is really quick), as long as you are consistent, it will be sorted.

PM me if you want more info.
Lx

 

[Squiglet]

Controlled crying is what I meant... But it feels like constant... I did that with Tia and it worked eventually....

But with lil miss... she's smart... I started doing the same when she was around 2 months... she was fine for a couple of weeks but for the last week or so its degenerated back into crying again and refusing to be put down. She gets so worked up she makes herself sick and when I go back in to calm her down... if I don't pick her up the sound of my shhhh just makes it worse

Thinking about it now... it can probably be traced to me going back to work and she's being left with people during the day... but not strangers and she doesn't leave the house in an effort to minimise the change.

I've had loads of conflicting advice too..

 

[LucyBee]

When I saw the sleep specialist, she recommended a different approach which is gentler but takes longer.

It's gradual withdrawal. Basically, you start with holding her, then after a couple of days, you put her down in her cot but keep a hand on her head and chest. After a couple of days, you move your hand off her head, then 2 days later move off the chest but keep your hands next to her. Then gradually move your hands out of the cot but sit by it. Then, over the course of a few days, move slowly further and further away from the cot until you're outside.

You could try this or persevere with the CC. I think consistency is the absolute key with the CC. Tom wised up to it several times too and just as I thought I'd cracked it, he'd start screaming again and we'd have to go through the whole process from the beginning. My HV said that if you're going to pick her up after 30 mins of crying, you might aswell pick her up immediately as otherwise she learns that if she cries long enough, she will get picked up.

Let me know how you get on.
We had so many problems with Tom's sleep over the first year. It was a nightmare but we got there in the end and I feel like I'm the world authority on sleep problems now because I've read so much and talked to so many people about it!

Lx

 

[Redshoes]

I'm still the only one who can put Isaac to bed, and re-settle him if he wakes, I can't go outon a night because of it, and I do think the fact I did it all all the time has done this. My only suggestion would be have OH put her down, and let him deal with the crying etc one night a week? But I'm no expert, I tried controlled crying for a couple of nights but I got too upset, so didn't re-try it, I think as Isaac gets older if things don't change I may try it, but when he was younger I just couldn't. I really hope you find some middle ground so everyone's happy, very best wishes

LucyBee its your comment of "My HV said that if you're going to pick her up after 30 mins of crying, you might aswell pick her up immediately as otherwise she learns that if she cries long enough, she will get picked up." I could never leave him more than 5mins but I do believe that's alot to do with guilt I felt because of his birth.

 

[LucyBee]

I'm totally with you Amy. I'm pretty sure Tom's bad sleeping habits came about because of my PND which was also tied up with guilt about the birth but...you know what? ... I think we just do what we have to do at the time. I bet things will be different when your little girl arrives. I think it's all about confidence too and I know I was really lacking in that when Tom arrived. Didn't know WHAT I was doing!
I HATED the controlled crying. I spent most of the time crying too. In the end, I had to go out in the car and Ali would handle it and phone me when Tom had gone off to sleep. I found it too upsetting. It did work though and my GP/HV/sleep specialist all said there is no long-term impact on them and that it's a good thing to teach them how to settle themselves. xxx

 

[Squiglet]

Oh god...she cried so much...and I was holding her hand and stroking her head all the time

 

[Redshoes]

LucyBee
You are very wise Personally I think I just did too much and didn't get the support I should have, and having little friends/family around/able to help, I did throw myself into Isaac as it were. Personally I can cope with anything with Isaac but the crying times are the ones that effect me deeply and I do think it's definitely a personal choice between Mummy and Baby as to how its handled because it is so emotive.

Bless Ali for doing as he did, not that he shouldn't, he is Daddy afterall Tom is a smart and beautiful little boy and you've only helped him grow into that, and like you say, there is no long-term impact, which is very important to keep remembering so that guilt subsides

But in reflection on Squiglet's spoil her or not point, I don't think any Mummy wants to spoil in a negative way but sometimes that can happen, so yes with my daughter I will try harder to not pick her up immediately etc and hopefully having Isaac around will encourage that as she won't be the only child who needs me.

Sorry to witter on about my stuff on your post Squiglet, how are things going with Lil Miss?

 

[Squiglet]

Sorry to witter on about my stuff on your post Squiglet, how are things going with Lil Miss?

The things you guys are talking about is incredibly relevant to the topic... I realise that a lot of my problems are because lil miss was rushed in to SCBU and I was sent home, and its really horrible being pregnant for 9 months and going home without a baby (to all those women who can't go back and get their babies after a few days... they have my my uttermost respect and reverence... )...so when lil miss finally came home.. I was really really clingy with her... I was afraid someone would take her away.. coupled with being a boobie baby.. we have ended up being inseparable.. which now has its disadvantages

Lil miss has started trying to grab my face and goes mumumum when shes really upset which just breaks my heart cos its almost like shes calling me.... I won't just let her cry alone though.. I never leave my kids in that respect... But I won't pick her up.. Took over an hour today... but I remaind strong.

 

[mrs_tommo22]

Its the hardest thing in the world to leave your baby to cry, but it does pay off in the end after lots of tears from you and baby and he will be happier and you will be too.

Hope she starts to chill soon for you.