Constant Crying and No Support. (Long!)

[BubbleOne]

Hi Ladies,

Feeling pretty down lately. I had problems with Baby Blues about a week after Phoebe was born and I still have bad days now.
The real problem is that Phoebe crys loads. She sleeps a lot still but I'd say she crys for about 90% of the time she is awake. By crying I mean whinging, shouting and proper crying. She won't lay on her back when she is awake so can't play with her floor gym or any other toy designed for newborns who are supposed to lay on their backs!! She will sometimes sit in her bouncy chair for about 15mins before she starts to cry. So most of the time she is in my arms but this doesn't stop her crying either, I just hold her because her crying in my arms is better than her crying in her chair. I'm at my wits end now though. My OH went back to work today after having 4days off and I feel like we didn't even see eachother. He is finding Phoebe really hard work. His exact words last night were that he is 'fed up with her.' I am too if I'm honest. It's really starting to affect mine and OH's relationship now though. OH just moans, gets the hump, sits in silence or mutters things under his breath.
Putting her to bed is proving hard too. She won't even consider going down before midnight which means me and OH don't even get 5mins together when he gets home from work. Another reason why I'm feeling so down. I just want to snuggle up to OH without Phoebe crying in the middle. When we do put her in her cot, I'm happy just to let her cry and keep rubbing her bum and giving her a dummy. I want her to learn that bedtime is bedtime and I'm not going to jig her to sleep or give in and get her out of her cot. OH can't handle more than about 3mins of her crying though so to save another mood swing from him I give in and get her out and rock her until she's asleep. I feel like I'm living with 2 babies at the moment. If I make one happy I upset the other. I'm just at my wits end and starting to feel like I don't want to do it anymore. I even missed my 6week hospital appointment this morning because Phoebe was in a state and OH was in a strop and quite honestly I just couldn't face going to the hospital with a screaming baby. I do have my proper 6week appointment next monday with my doctor so it wasn't a major appointment that I missed. Just wanted to see me because I had to go to theatre after the birth.
I can't cope with Phoebe on my own all the time but OH being so cold towards me and Phoebe is 10 times worse.
I just want to be a happy family but Phoebe is not a happy baby. And I know her crying isn't wind, hunger, cold, hot, wet. We go through all these constantly. She just crys which is why it's bringing me down so much. She can't relax either. Her fists are always tense and she throws her arms all over the place. Sometimes it's impossible to move her arms because they are so stiff. She even tries to cry with a bottle or dummy in her mouth.
I gave her a naked body massage last night for the first time. She layed there happily for about half an hour which is a miricle for us but she still wouldn't relax and let herself enjoy it.
OH knows her is upsetting me too as I have tried to talk to him about it. He's just being selfish too. I know he might be feeling down too but I'm just an emotional wreck.
Any Tips from anyone?
I need your help?
Have health Visitor coming on Friday so will ask her too.
Phoebe is 6 weeks old today by the way. Maybe I'm expecting too much too soon?
_________________

 

[OverTheMoon]

Sorry you are having such a rough time sweetie.
I know exactly where you are coming from with the crying thing. Its sooo hard and you feel like a bad parent. Made worse by not such great support from OH. You feel like is it ever going to get any better?
But I can vouch that it definitely does. The first few months are, in my opinion, sheer bloody hard work and would try the patience of a saint. Everyone I know who has had a baby have said that its the biggest strain on a relationship. I know it certainly was for us, but we seem to have come through the other side. It will get better I promise. I know you probably think not that old chestnut but it IS true!
Also by the way try Colief drops from Boots which are GREAT for colicy babies. Worked an absolute treat for us. Not sure if you are breastfeeding though? Ours went in with the bottle formula. Also another great thing to try is swaddling the baby. I think our little boy liked that because it makes them feel nice and secure like being back in the womb.
Good luck anyway, and in a few months time you will look back on this and the bad times will all be a distant memory (especially when you get your first smile!)

 

[OverTheMoon]

Sorry to harp on but just thought of something else which might help to keep you sane! If baby is screaming and doesn't need food, changing or whatever, leave them in the cot/moses basket, shut the door and walk away for five or ten minutes. As long as they are still in earshot so you can hear if they started choking or whatever. Gives you a breather and makes you more calm when you return.
Also! one other thing! I used to find that putting him in his cot and then doing the hoovering was magic. it took my mind off the crying (which I couldn't hear!) and actually sent him to sleep. Worth a try! (or hairdryer works too!)

 

[Urchin]

If baby is screaming and doesn't need food, changing or whatever, leave them in the cot/moses basket, shut the door and walk away for five or ten minutes. As long as they are still in earshot so you can hear if they started choking or whatever. Gives you a breather and makes you more calm when you return.

This is exactly what I was going to say... my brother was a "screamer" and my used to put him in his pram at the top of the garden!

If you ever feel she's getting too much....walk away. You sound like you're doing a great job so far, some babies just cry more than others, (never blame yourself)
Maybe more massages will help to relax her, and swaddling in a dimly lit room can help.
Does she like music? or maybe a "sounds of the womb" CD?

 

[Urchin]

Also, I have no idea what your birth was like... but this is something that happened to my friend, who had a very traumatic birth:

Her baby cried and cried every night without fail, it drove her and her hubby to distraction, and the HV kept saying it was colic. My friend persisted and eventually got an appointment for the baby with a chiropractor... the way the baby had been lying (wedged) in my friends pelvis had given her a bad back!!!
All the jiggling and rocking had just agravated the problem too!
One session with the chirpractor changed her right around and she never cried that way again.

 

[Amanda]

You need some time out hun. Have you got a family member of friend who could take Phoebe for a few hours for you? Maybe on a weekend afternoon to give you and OH some much needed time together.

I went through exactly the same with my daughter 13 years ago. She screamed day and night, and the only time she wasn't screaming, she was feeding. She wanted feeding every 90 minutes throughout the day and night, and after 6 weeks, I lost it. I had a screaming fit at my Mum that she hated me and that I was a bad mother. She sent my Dad to the shop to buy some formula, and she took a full bottle and slept for 3 hours!! That night, she had more formula and slept for almost 9 hours. It was heaven, and in the morning, I was pleased to see her in her carrycot, and not resentful that she had woke me up.

Are you breastfeeding? If so, have you considered formula? If she is already on the bottle, have you tried changing the make of formula? I have heard that some babies are better with some types than others.

I also agree with the letting her cry for a while theory. I can remember one night in particular when my ex had gone to the pub (helpful!!!) and she had screamed constantly for 4 hours. At this time, I was alone in a hostel waiting for the council to house me, had no phone or mobile, had no car, was miles away from friends and family, and I felt so alone. So, I put her in the carrycot in my bedroom, shut that door, shut the living room door, and sat in the kitchen. At the time I smoked and I had a cup of coffee, and chainsmoked 3 fags. After 15 minutes, I was able to go back into the bedroom and felt able to calm her down then. She was asleep 10 minutes later. That to me proves that babies can pick up on your emotions. If you are tired and stressed, then Phoebe is going to pick up on that.

And finally (I have waffled a bit!!), it does get better. It must do if I can remember all this and still want to do it all again!!

 

I have PM'd you hunnie xx

 

[beanie]

Seren is like this too, she will either be feeding or crying at night and it takes us ages to get her settled. She really screams at times, and last night I had to walk away as I just couldn't be near her anymore so I went downstairs and switched off the monitor and took some time out (I felt so bad though). In the end her dad managed to get her to sleep in ten mins after I had been up for 3 hours. But my OH is a lot calmer then me and doesn't take it personally when she cries so I think its true that they pick up on any emotions. It is so isolating I know when your baby doesn't settle and other people don't hekp either, Seren screamed mothercare down, and all I kept getting was tuts of people .

One tip I have been given is that some babies just feel better being close to mum, and if you have a sling or a baby carrier you can carry them with you as you go around the house. I haven't tried it myself as Seren didn't give me chance to get the carrier but it is something I am intertesed in. I hope you are ok, you are doing a great job and Phoebe is lucky to have a mum like you xxx

 

[lauramumof2]

Hiya,
im really sorry for what you are going through, it sounds unbelievably difficult. I have read that cranial osteopathy is supposed to be good for babys thats will not settle. Have you tried a sling. I dont know from exerience that this works, its just something I read.
Please dont suffer alone, get your health visitor in early and tell her all about it.
Take care
Laura.

 

[lulu]

Hi, jack has been the same, not settling in the evening!

Today was really bad as my partner was tired and irritable so I ended up upset.

I am breast feeding but also using formula as he was crying because he wasnt getting enough from me. He is also a very windy baby so thats made it harder.

The hoover works great, or the hairdryer and I have just left the room before, come back and he has cried himself to sleep ( sounds awful doesnt it)

I get very anxious so I think that doesnt help. Got an induction for the gym this week. Going to go twice a week and swimming. Its my time to get out any frustration but also to have some time out.

 

[Urchin]

We tired Gripe water the last 2 nights as Brody has a build up of wind in the evening.
The first night it settled him within 10 mins, he was relaxed and went to sleep. I only gave him 1 teaspoonful that night so we measured out the 5 mil dose for last night (as soon as he started crying THAT cry and getting all tense we gave it him straight away) and he puked it up EVERYWHERE. However, he then went straight to sleep!!!We've learned our lesson now and will just give him a teaspoonful cos it seems to be all he needs.

 

[Hypnorm]

http://www.cry-sis.org.uk/

Hi have alook at this website they might be able to help you..

 

[BubbleOne]

Thank You so much for all your replies.
It means a lot.
Overthemoon - We use Infacol for her colic and she is now burping great. Just sit her up after her feed and she normally burps on her own.
I used to do the hoovering trick when she was younger and it worked but these days it doesn't. Might try the hairdryer though. Will go through all my noisey electrical appliances!! The washing machine calms her sometimes.

Urchin - She likes listening to Westlife, Tony Christie and James Blunt!! But again she will still cry.
My birth for her wasn't too traumatic. My labour was only about 7hrs and she was born naturally. I didn't see her until after theatre (was in theatre and recovery 3 1/2 hrs) so she was already washed and dressed which I don't think has helped with the bonding side of things.

Tankett - My family live about 40mins away and I don't drive. I see them about twice a month. They are great but like all relatives they think Phoebe is wonderful which can sometimes make me feel worse!! I'd like someone to agree with me that she has a crying issue.
Also have been told by HV not to change her formula because it may bring back her wind/colic problems.

Beanie - I have thought about using a sling. But I don't want to make a rod for my own back. What about when she gets too heavy and I can't do it anymore? It's just another battle that I don't want to go through!!

Well ladies an update for you all:
Felt better after I'd posted yesterday. Finally got my feelings out. OH rang me from work and apologised for how he was being. He said he didn't know why he couldn't deal with Phoebe but that he feels better now. OH really isn't that bad. I think I made him out to be an unsupportive wa$*er!! I never worry that we will split up over this because our relationship is solid. I just get upset when I feel like he's doing nothing whilst I'm doing everything!! And I hate grumpy men. If they've got a problem why can't they just come out and say it rather than give you silent treatment for a day and then when they do tell you what was wrong it had nothing to do with you anyway?!!
OH finished work at 8pm last night so before he got in I bathed Phoebe and just put nappy and vest on her. I swaddled her in a blanket so that she couldn't move her arms too much and she fell asleep in my arms!! (Normally cries for ages after a bath). OH came in and I asked him to take her upstairs and feed her in the bedroom with lights out and we would try and get her to sleep before midnight. Fed her at 8.30pm and it took us until 10pm before she finally fell asleep (Not bad really for her first time). She slept through until 2.10am and then I fed her, put her back in her cot awake and she slept through until 7am when I fed her again and then she slept next to me on the bed until 10am. I fed her at 11am and now she's downstairs asleep. Hardly cried at all this morning!!! And me and OH finally had a couple of hours to ourselves last night. We only watched TV and sorted out his holiday dates for work but it's a start. I must say though, it felt really weird not having Phoebe there. I almost wanted to go and get her and bring her back downstairs!! That was the first time she has ever been upstairs whilst I've been downstairs!! We have agreed that when she is 3mths old we will put her cot in her nursery so that we can have our bedroom back
So I am feeling much better today. Am going to try it all again tonight too!!
What do you all think about strict routines? Because I don't work and don't really have to be anywhere at any particular time I have always let Phoebe sleep when she wants in the day for however long she wants. This means she sometimes goes about 5hrs without a bottle instead of the normal 4hrs. Do you think I should wake her for feeds religiously? and try and monitor/control her naps? She isn't that bad in her cot through the night. (Only wakes once for a feed and is sometimes going 6hrs now without feed). I'll happily live with that. So she obviously isn't sleeping too much in the day but why won't she settle before midnight?!!!
I'll keep you all posted!!!
Sami I will PM you back asap.
Ragna I have both your numbers and will text you (didn't pick up your mobile number until today) You PM'ed me with it the day I gave birth!!
Also picked up your other PM Sami. I normally get an e-mail telling me that I have a PM but it obviously isn't working anymore.

LOL

 

I would guess that if she is putting on weight normally etc, at her ages she should be allowed to feed when she wants?
I know that when my partner was a baby (a long time ago), his mum used to let him sleep and feed when he wanted and he slept through the night from 6 weeks old!! He apparently never suffered from being left to do his own thing and have his own routine.
Check with your HV though when you next see her.

x