Family networks?

[BubbleOne]

Hi Ladies,

Don't really know how to say this but as you all know (i think) my OH fell out with his Mum back in Sept.
I don't 'love' her and understand why OH doesn't want to talk to her but my family is such a mess and I worry for Phoebe.
I haven't spoke to my Dad since I was 19 (never ever got on) and he wants nothing to do with me and the feeling is mutual.
So as it is Phoebe has my Mum who is wonderful but we have to see her round my Nan and Grandads house because I can't go to her house because of my Dad.
I am also close to my aunts and uncles and cousins etc so Phoebe sees them.
She has never seen anyone from my Dads side of the family. My Nan on that side is ok but I haven't seen her for a few years. I do write to her and send her pics of Phoebe etc.
OH is an only child so Phoebe wont have any family there either.
His mum and step dad are in MK this weekend and I've suddenly gone all soft and trying to convince OH to make up with his mum.
I want Phoebe to have a family network and I also want her to realise families are important and special.
As it is she will grow up not being allowed to go to her Nanny's house because of my Dad and OH has said if she wants to see his parents when she is old enough to decide then thats fine as long as he isn't there so she will also only be able to see her Gran and Grandad if her Dad isn't there.
What happened to family Values?
I feel so guilty about it for Phoebes sake.
I want her to be happy and to have a Nan and Grandad etc but it's soooo difficult.
Don't really know what I want you guys to say but I just needed to get it off my chest while OH is out

 

[beanie]

Its horrible isn't it all this family business. I worry that Seren will miss out too, I have no parents, my sister lives up north and itrs tough to see her as often as I would like. I have my grandpa and an uncle and aunt from my mum's side but don't see anyone from my dad's side. Luckily OH's family makes up for it with his mum,s tep dad and dad being grandparents but he is an only child. My friends make up for it, they are always there for me and Seren and are closer than my family but I guess its not the same. Family is very important to me too but I keep telling myself that these days there is no such thing as a "normal" family and that as long as there is me and OH that love Seren and she feels that she is surrounded by people she can trust then that is all I can wish for, if you see what I mean. xxx

 

[lauramumof2]

none of this is your doing and you shouldnt feel so bad about it. As long as phoebe has you and your oh then that should be enough. If you let oh's parents start seing her then you might create a divide between you and him and its the bond and trust between the two of you that matters most.

If you dont mind me asking, why hasnt your mum put the foot down with your dad with regards to the baby going to the house? I understand you dont want to see him.

 

[Sarah&Braydon]

i know how u feel hun Braydon only has my family and garry wen he can be bothered to play attention to B and not the telly as long as phoebe has you she will be fine you dont need a big family to feel loved my family is tiny and i love it means i am so much closer to the family members i do have

 

[BubbleOne]

Laura- It's all pretty complicated. My Dad doesn't like children generally and I don't want Phoebe anywhere near him.

I moved out a couple of months after we fell out, then went to uni and have only spent 1 night back there in the last 4yrs. I hated every second and have never stepped foot in my 'family home' since.

If I turned up with Phoebe he wouldn't throw me out but would make me feel so uncomfortable or just walk out.

I don't want Phoebe even meeting him.

As for my Mum not putting her foot down. She just feels stuck in the middle and feels that because my Dad payed the mortgage etc it's his house. It'll be her loss because Phoebe will never be able to stay round Nannys but it's also Phoebes loss.

I realise she doesn't need anyone except me and OH but I want her to have her family around. But maybe you are right about talking to them will cause more harm than good.

I just want the best for her

 

[Urchin]

Laura- It's all pretty complicated. My Dad doesn't like children generally and I don't want Phoebe anywhere near him.

The first thing my FIL said when he saw Mason @ 2 weeks old was "hmmm...yeah, well, all babies look the same to me, they're all ugly.

As for my Mum..... It'll be her loss because Phoebe will never be able to stay round Nannys but it's also Phoebes loss.

She won't know any different, she'll love the life she has no matter what members of your family she spends time with... the most important people to her are her parents so try to focus on that.

As for you OH's mom.....if he really feels like that, there is nothing more you can do. I have fallen out with my brother..I really don't want people like him around me and my kids...The other people in my family try and talk me round, but my mind is made up...I try and surround myself with good vibes and good people, anyone who doesn't fit into that can stay away... it's taken me a long time to realise this is the best way to live my life, but it's working out great !

By all means talk to your husband, but it's his mom so ultimatley it's up to him....if his mom really cares about you and Phoebe she'll make things right anyway.

Remember that anyone who care's enough about Phoebe (from either family) will make the effort to see her and sort things out...if they don't then you are better off without them anyway.

 

[Jazz187]

Hi Bubbleone

I sort of understand what your going through

My family disowned me when i got married to the OH

My Mum is ill so someone is always looking after her, so the only way i can see her is going to the house, but my sis and gran won't let me see my mum. The last time i saw my mum was 7 months ago and is heart breaking. I dont even think my mum knows that she is a granma.

OH is very supportive, but theirs so much he can do, his family are really nice also but there is some politics between his uncles, but thats family for you.

I don't want Aleena to feel the pain that i do, i want Aleena to know that family is important.

 

[hearts81]

I think if your MIL want to see phoebe then you should maybe let her. Phoebes at an age where it wont matter if she sees her once, twice, whatever and you'll be able to see if she intends to stick around and be proper grandma to her. I know you don't like your in-laws so you probably wont feel comfortable taking Phoebe round to see them by yourself but it might be good for her.

My dad left us when i was 10 and from that moment on none of his family ever spoke to us again- even though i remember being very close to them all- apart from his mum and that was only because my mam used to take us to see her. My mam and grandma never used to speak(as i've later learned) but me and my bro never realised cos we were just there to see grandma and we enjoyed it.

Mam eventually started workin 2 jobs so we never had time to visit and now i feel so guilty cos she died two years ago and i hadn't seen her in 5 years

 

[Tiny Sue]

Family situations can be awful, can't they? I'm lucky in that my father and my OH's parents are all supportive. However my Dad fell out with my Mum's family around the time that she died, so Naomi has all these cousins and grandaunts and granduncles that don't know she exists...whereas I grew up with lots of rellies as my Mum had eleven brothers and sisters.

Sue

 

[BubbleOne]

UPDATE:

OH's mum and Step Dad have just left!!

Her friend who she was staying with knocked on my door this morning and asked if she could give me some gifts from MIL. I said yes (what could I say to the poor old woman?!) OH came down and looked at the presents and I said to him maybe we should give her a chance.

He agreed but didn't want to see her this time. He went to work at 10am anyway and before he went he texted her to say he is happy to put the past behind him and try once more.

Anyway they came round at 11.30am and have just left. It was actually really nice. MIL was really good with Phoebe and didn't drag up any of the past etc. It felt like a fresh start and I hope she doesn't return to her old ways for all our sakes.

Thanks for all you kind words and advice.

I just think she deserves the chance to see her grand child. If she messes up now I won't have to feel guilty anymore

 

[beanie]

That's great bubble, glad you are feeling better x