Confused and in need of advice

[zebrastripes]

You can get a benefits advisor to come out,free of charge-they'll sort everything for you. You have cash in the bank- so many girls have absolutely nothing yet still do a great job of being mothers. Raising a baby isn't about what possessions you can buy for them- they won't care- it's about the love and support you give them, it's about giving them a good role model for life. Also for necessarys like the pram, you can get a 500 pound grant.. helathy start vouchers for milk and veg...which you are eligible for if you are a teenage mum regardless of circumstances... there's so much out there, honestly

 

[mummysarah+co]

i was 17 wen i moved out due 2 bein pregnant. im now 21.
i got housed by the council n went on income support which entitled me to housing benefit n council tax benefit n the income support paid the bills n bought food etc. u just need 2 budget. having a baby is not the end of the world, your life is what you make of it hun!
i did that and managed fine and now i own a house and im married.
i lost touch with lots of people but my parents came round in the end and enjoy spending time with my kids. i dont know whats going through your parents minds but maybe if u talk 2 them and tell them what u want??? do u think that will help? they may just be in shock and be worried what will come of you.
good luck with what u decide, i hope everything works out 4 u.

 

[Penstraze]

Firstly having a baby is a huge responsiblity there are a lot of things you will have to give up and you need to consider how you feel about this, however there is alot of pleasure and enjoyment to be had from motherhood (or so I hope not got quite that far yet )
You are 18 your classed as an adult and this is your body and your baby if you have an abortion YOU have to live with it for the rest of your life not your parents or even your boyfriend (many men think of an abortion in a whole different way to women to us it a life a baby inside us to men its a bunch of cells and whats the problem, or thats how my DH felt when I first found out I was pregnant, but I knew I couldn't live with myself if I had an abortion and wanted this baby, hes since come around!)
If you 100% want this baby then you can keep it, it wont be easy you may lose people you care about and will probably have some hurdles along the way but there are people who can help you, go to citizens advice or the brook, or family planning clinic they should all be able to advise you on your situation. Just because your parents would throw you out (which may be an empty threat or just shock talking!) doesn't mean you can't do this if thats what you really want.
Good luck whatever you decide, I hope you have some good friend who can give you some good impartial advice and a shoulder to cry on if and when its needed!

 

[pineapple]

ooo imsoo confused agen! thought iwas goin to have theabortion. byputing out of mind im hopin 2 forget- my bf will drive for an hour to get 2 me and then further to the clinic and if i disapoint him well b ova :S wot do i do xxx

 

[Jade&Evie]

It's not about your boyfriend being annoyed that he's had to drive for no reason it's about a baby's life. Only you can decide what you are going to do but don't just have an abortion to please someone else and DON'T just leave it and think it will go away- it won't. Your age is irrelevant in the situation- I was 18 when I got my BFP and my baby is due in a few weeks time now. I've not got much money but I'm secure enough and I have the support of everyone around me. It's about your maturity and if you can offer a baby your life- you have to give up the selfish lifestyle of being a teenager/young '20 something' to become a mother.

 

[Noor~ul~Usman]

I realise it's hard when you're probably (to a degree) used to being told what to do by other people, especially your parents....but please understand this has nothing to do with them ultimately

Boyfriends come and boyfriends go. It's the sad truth of life . If he doesn't care about your feelings now that you've got a baby together and is pressuring you into an abortion because that's what HE wants, then personally I'd forget him because he obviously doesn't care about you or your feelings enough to care for you properly in the future either. Unless he's going to marry you and do his best so that you can play happy families he's just not worth it

As for your parents.....I'm practically 22yrs and my own dad is a bit shocked and grumpy about being made a grandfather! I've been married for 2yrs and been living independantly for 4yrs! (since I was 18 ) So it's never even crossed my mind that he's got part of the decision on the matter At the end of the day it's my life...not my parents
I'm lucky that my husband wanted a family young as well so we have never argued over it or anything...but even if he HAD asked me to have an abortion I would have told him no! I would have rather divorced such a selfish git then have them ruin the rest of my life by forcing me to do something I didn't agree with

There are loads of single mum's out there and many go on to live good lives and meet partners...get married...have more kids....etc

There are also lots of mum's much younger who manage with or without their parents support. Like people have said there is a lot of help out there but if you don't go and ask then you'll never have the full information to base your decision on.

 

[pineapple]

everyones makingmy decisionharder!!:S i dnt want to be in a dead end job for the rest of my life , scrimping and saving. i wud luv a baby- but :s i dont want a dead end job neva bein able to get on housing lader!!! xxx

 

[Jade&Evie]

stop writing in text speak! pregnant brain over here has to read it three times!

A baby doesn't mean you will be stuck in a dead end job. There are plenty of young mums out there who do really well for themselves. I will goingback t work afterhaving my baby and eventually I will buy my own home (hopefully). Money isn't everything. If you can't give a baby the love and support it deserves you shouldn't have it, but you don't need a big house, a smart car or a lot of oney to be the worlds best mum.

My mum had me when she was young- we lived in a damp bedsit for years and she used to live on basic rations. But to me, she is the best mum I could possibly ask for.

 

[zebrastripes]

Um, I think I've mentioned before, i'm 16, I have an 8 month old child and I am certainly not destined for some dead end job I'm getting my A levels and then I'm going to uni. Did you know that pregnant/young mothers have just as much of a chance of passing A levels as their peers? However if they don't go back to school...they don't, unsuprisingly! Bugger the housing ladder, you'll be scrimping and saving to pay your mortagage anyway You'll see me happily living on my narrow boat upon the Cam Getting pregnant and having a child does not affect wealth and success- it's lack of education & restricted social mobility that will! Yes, education is harder, but it's eminently possible. You don't need your boyfriend to decide what YOU do with YOUR body. Do you really want to be spending much more time in the company of someone who wishes you to an have invasive, traumatic procedure, just so he can spend a few more years out drinking? Whether you keep your baby or not your life is changed forever. Getting rid of it will not change the fact that you were once pregnant. Can you deal with that knowledge? Having an abortion when you don't want to is the worst thing you can do to yourself- and its YOURSELF not your parents or boyfriends.

 

[pineapple]

ok- lets clear this up- i aint thick. i have plenty of gcses and a levels in the bank. but seriously- how the hell can some one of sixteen have a child and expect to spend many years in full time education? going to uni with a child in tow wud b extremely difficult-unless of course the mothers mummy's looking after it? my parents refuse to be 2nd parents to this child- im going to be kicked out if i keep it, fat , frumpy n look a complete mess. the abortions in 5 days and im panicking already.xxx

 

[Jade&Evie]

ok- lets clear this up- i aint thick. i have plenty of gcses and a levels in the bank. but seriously- how the hell can some one of sixteen have a child and expect to spend many years in full time education? going to uni with a child in tow wud b extremely difficult-unless of course the mothers mummy's looking after it? my parents refuse to be 2nd parents to this child- im going to be kicked out if i keep it, fat , frumpy n look a complete mess. the abortions in 5 days and im panicking already.xxx

erm, I'm 8 months pregnant and I don't think I look fat or frumpy- I have curves and I love them. After the baby is born I will eventually get back to my usual shape.

Zebra seem to be doing a bloody good job- and I know quite a few people who have continued their education after having a baby.

I am 19- I have a job in London earning more than I would have been expected to earn as a graduate and I have an OH who works hard to support us. I left school with 12 GCSEs- 7 A* grades and 5 As- so I'm not thick either. Just pregnant.

In 5 years I will be happily married, with a family and a job- I might not have a stretchmark free body or a first class honours but I am quite happy without them THANK YOU.


Your attitude is really upsetting. A pregnancy forum isn't the place to be talking about having abortions- its a very personal choice that YOU will have to live with.

 

[uncle_bens]

Woah Woah, slow down!

You can have a child AND have an education, whats this Fat and Frumpy business lol?

 

[zebrastripes]

Well I'm managing it Granted I'm not at uni yet, but I'll still be going. There's a wee thing called uni creche do you think no one with a kid has ever gone to uni before? I suggest you have a look at some university websites and see what they have for student parents- in my Cambridge prospectus, they have an entire section. Lots of unis have creches for children of all ages, plus housing especially for single mothers. Look it up, trust me, there's loads out there. If you dig deep enough, you'll be quite suprised that not all- in fact, suprisingly few- young mums are actual out and out failures, and that usually because, as I have said before, of a lack of social mobility, and usually they are from poor families in the first place.

You don't need your parents to mind your kid- like I say, there is childcare, which in your position (god forgive me for saying this, everyone else) is basically paid for.

If you were implying that my mother does most of the childcare for my daughter, you are wrong. She does indeed take her 2 days a week=- she and my dad have been fantastic and I am very grateful. However if they weren't I'd still get by. I know of a girl who had her baby at 15: her mother told her that she could stay at home but that she (the mother) would have nothing to do with the childcare. That 15 year old is now 23 and is in her final year of uni.

Fat, Frumpy, and a complete mess? If that's a main reason in your descision to abort, then you probably aren't mature enough to deal with a child anyway. Yes, you'll put on weight and get stretchmarks, but have you ever thought that you will love your bump, the sense of life growing within you, that you'll be so excited to feel the first kicks?

As for post- birth, well i was back in my size 8-10 about 2 weeks after. Eat healthily and excersise, and you shouldn't have a problem
I never even bought maternity clothes, I just went up a size

Well, at the end of the day it's whatever you choose, but seriously, you will regret this abortion if you don't want it. it'll haunt you, you'll feel resentful towards your parents and boyfriend, you may even have extra baggage in the future when you decide to become a mother.

before you finally decide to have it, do some research.I strongly recommend you read this article http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life ... 079618.ece I did when i got pregnant, and it gave me a lot of confidence. Have a look at your chosen uni, if necessary email them and see what facilities they have for kids and parents. search the web for success stories: they aren:t as bigged up as the negative stereotype, but they are there in abundance.

Good luck, and make the right descision for YOU

 

[uncle_bens]

Here Here! Is that the right here or is it hear to btw?

 

[Jade&Evie]

hmmm. I don't know.

I always imagine it means 'hear this!' so I'd say Hear Hear but then it could be someone exclaiming that they agree so they'd be saying 'I'm HERE'...

I'm going to scavenge the web to find out now!

 

[pineapple]

erm... excuse me zebra stripes= but i am not immature! i am pointing out the physical facts of childbirth. does the mere fact i am questionning this abortion not tell you i am well aware that unconditional love begins well before the child is officially born? i feel i already do love this child growing inside me- im trying to convince my self that i dont need it i suppose. ooo wot a mess xxx

 

[uncle_bens]

Don't convince yourself you want the abortion!!!
Be true to yourself!!

 

[nickilubs]

Sorry I may sound really harsh to say this but really I think so many people have offered you good advice and your not taking it in.....if you are that worried you should not of been having unprotected sex. I could understand if you were on the pill or the protection you were using had failed but you have clearly stated you were not using anything.

If you are not sure that you want a abortion then PLEEEEASE don't have one, don't let anyone else's opinions change your decision. Finding out you are pregnant is scary even when you have been trying to have a baby and most of the time it is just a thing that has happened by accident but you will learn to cope. If you are determined to do well for yourself then think of the determination that doing well for you and your baby will give you. You ultimately make the decisions in your life. If you really want to go to uni and have a good education then you will but you will be going home every night to your child not to a party....but if it is the education you are really worried about then the partying shouldn't matter anyway.

And your boyfriend/exboyfriend seems to have grown balls to have sex so now he needs to learn to grow balls to be a good father, either that or buy himself some condoms.

Zebrastripes you are brilliant for doing what you are.

 

[zebrastripes]

erm... excuse me zebra stripes= but i am not immature! i am pointing out the physical facts of childbirth. does the mere fact i am questionning this abortion not tell you i am well aware that unconditional love begins well before the child is officially born? i feel i already do love this child growing inside me- im trying to convince my self that i dont need it i suppose. ooo wot a mess xxx

I wasn't calling you immature, I was making a point.

The "physical facts of childbirth" do not include being fat and frumpy. I actually think I still managed to look pretty damn good during pregnancy. As long as you try to have good hair, and you wear nice colourful, flattering clothes. you're pretty much alright. I quite liked my pregnancy style actually. Good shoes, that's another must.

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. Persuading yourself to not want the baby won't work either. Don't forget I've been there, and I tried pretty much everything. Your baby is your baby is your baby and it is the one love which will never fade out or end. Which puts you in a bit of a pickle. I suppose at the end of the day you have to decide which is worst in your eyes: having the baby and having to try that little bit harder as regards to education etc, or have an abortion and learn to live with that.

Seriously, screw everyone else, its your body, you will be the one dealing with the abortion, with any regret you may feel, etc. It won't be your parents or your boyfriend lying on that table. You're old enough to make your own descisions, and you're old enough to face the consequences of your own actions.

 

[dannii87]

I initially didn't reply to this thread at first due to the fact I figured everyone was doing a good enough job with their wonderful views and, I agreed with 99% of them.

I agree with Zebra I'm afraid, with some of the ways you respond to feedback, it does sound as though you still need to learn a few things when people are trying to help you. That's no reflection on your age, because I know of people in their late twenties who have a thing or two to learn when they ask for advice, to respect the opinions voiced. But when you ask for advice you need to take it in, especially with such a huge decision like this.

No one on here wants you to mess up your life, we all care about everyone on here and it does upset me and I think it's a real shame you can't rid of the excuses and think about the facts of what this will do to your LIFE either way. (not your body!!!!) Forget about your body, that's a really minor thing to even think about.

Just because you are young, please do not assume that anyone is looking down at you or assuming you will be a crap mum. Only you can be the judge of that.

Fortunately, education is something you can ALWAYS go back on. My pregnancy was far from planned. I was using the pill and fell ill for a few days which was when I conceived. I did toy with a few ideas for no more than an hour and decided that I was stupid enough to take the pill AND antibiotics and therefore I should own up to responsibility and take care of a life I (unknowingly) created.

I might get myself my own backlash by saying this but it is my opinion and I want you to hear as many angles as possible...

...I think, if you REALLY do not want to go ahead with the pregnancy, then don't. I would hate to think that a child is brought into the world when you really don't want it. However, I am split...

I also think though, if there is ANY doubt in your mind that maybe you don't want an abortion, I would strongly suggest speaking to someone who is neither pregnant nor involved in your situation.

This isn't a decision to be taken lightly, I know you know that, but please don't use little excuses like your boyfriend having to drive all the way there etc because this is a person, a life you could potentially be toying with...

Hope you make the right decision for YOU. Not for ANY other reason other than what is there, deep in your heart. The answer is in there, if you search hard enough, you will find it xxx