Can't empathise

[Seanb]

Hi all,I signed up here really just to ask a question that I can't ask in real life,because a lot of people particularly mothers seem to think I'm some sort of monster.

3 years ago my partner miscarried a baby we couldn't afford and I certainly didn't want us to have,in fact just a week before she had been considering abortion so I didn't think it was such a big deal to her either.

To me the fact she then lost it was not a very big deal at all,but she's still grieving and resents me for not feeling the same.
The only part about the whole situation that bothers me is that it upsets her.

Aside from being there for her as I always have been,how can I better support her?
I cannot understand her point of view,I've tried to for a long time,but don't think I ever will.

 

[mistyblue]

Hi Sean,

I can only go from my own experience, so I hope this helps.

Miscarriage is physically and emotionally traumatic. It seems to me that your partner has not dealt with the feelings of loss and grief and that it meant more to her than perhaps she is letting on. As this happened three years' ago and, if she isn't coping, maybe she could talk to her GP about counselling? If she wants to.

It seems to me that she is upset with you because the loss hasn't affected you in the same way. It strikes me you are a practical person (i.e. you couldn't afford/ didn't want the baby, therefore the loss is for the best in your opinion), but it is very hard when you have a little life growing inside you not to fall in love with it and want it. Then, to lose that, is incredibly painful.

I don't know if you plan to have a child in the future. I certainly plan to try again as soon as we are both ready which helps me cope. I don't think you are a monster, and if you don't feel the same as her, that's ok. But I think you need to accept she does feel the way she does and perhaps encourage her to speak to someone if she's finding it hard to cope. She is angry with you because it doesn't mean as much to you.

 

[CARNAT22]

Sorry that you felt the need to post on a loss section of a forum how little your loss meant to you.

Therein lies the root of your problem.

You don't have to empathise to offer your support. You do however need to be kind and calm and reassuring. Listen, offer cuddles and take the lead from your partner. If she is sad then comfort her.

I think maybe your partner could benefit from some counselling actually as it sounds like this has been going on for a very long time.

Best of luck

 

[Seanb]

I didn't mean to offend anyone,just looking for the opinion of people who can empathise better and explain their feelings/thoughts,which my partner is very reluctant to do.

Or better yet a woman who has been through the same and come out the other side and can offer me a better insight.
Unfortunately she would never see a therapist,for reasons I won't go into here.

I have always been there for her,I think my only mistake was telling her the truth when she initially asked my opinion.

We already had 1 child and have since had another.

 

[CARNAT22]

I didn't mean to sound harsh. It is hard for men to understand. It's hard for us to understand too!

It is like literally and metaphorically losing a piece of yourself. You have all the physical trauma to deal with [which varies from woman to woman] but then you have to deal with the loss emotionally.

You have to deal with losing hopes and dreams and promises. It's like losing the whole future you had planned.

It's hard and some women struggle to ever truly come through it.

xxxxx

 

[Muguboo]

There are 2 things - firstly you specify that the miscarriage was of a baby *you* didn't want and couldn't afford - I know you say that abortion was a possibility, but was that because she was going along at the time with your wishes? If so the miscarriage likely affected her as deeply as it may affect any woman who loses a wanted baby. Maybe she's been bottling it up cos she knows your thoughts and hasn't felt able to talk to you about it - and 3 years is a lot of bottling.

Alternatively, has her distress only materialised when she had your more recent baby? It's possible that the new baby has just reminded her of the 'what may have been's

If she won't seek professional counselling,is there anyone else you think she might open up to - her mum or sister, a close friend?

From your point of view, I suggest you stop trying to empathise. You haven't and won't go through what she has been through so you can't understand quite how she feels, even if it had been a wanted baby for you.

You can, however, sympathise. You can support her explicitly. Tell her that you know she is feeling awful and that you will always be there for her. Tell her she is important to you. Never ever say again 'well we didn't want it anyway', never tell her she has two great kid, never tell her it was ages ago and why doesn't she feel better

The fact that you're seeking advice on how to deal is a good thing - you obviously do care (about how she is affected)- just make sure she knows that for sure

Good luck

 

[mistyblue]

Agree with Muguboo. If she can talk to someone, that may help. Three years is a long time.

 

[flisstebbs]

I think its impossible for men to completely understand the sense of loss.

You sound like a guy who cares very much about his family, and perhaps got lulled into the "honesty is the best policy" trap! One thing that having 4 mc has taught me and my hubby is that there are bits of this we can't and shouldn't tell each other. We otherwise have an incredibly open and honest relationship and been together 13 years now, so it was odd to "keep" things from each other, but we both got some outside counselling after the 4th one that really helped.

I think its spot on advice to never again mention how you feel (or don't feel much) about this loss, but keep offering your support to your oh.

 

[Seanb]

Thank you all for your replies,unfortunately she has either fallen out with her whole family or they've died (including her parents) so doesn't have anyone left (except me) she will openly speak to about this sort of thing.

She knows I'm always there for her,but she says there is no point in speaking to me abou this because I don't care.

At this point where the damage is done,what does she need or want to hear from me?
I am supportive and always there for her,just at a loss what to say and do.

 

[babyem]

Tell her youre there for her, that she can tell you how shes feeling and you will always listen x

 

[Lou1103]

I didn't mean to sound harsh. It is hard for men to understand. It's hard for us to understand too!

It is like literally and metaphorically losing a piece of yourself. You have all the physical trauma to deal with [which varies from woman to woman] but then you have to deal with the loss emotionally.

You have to deal with losing hopes and dreams and promises. It's like losing the whole future you had planned.

It's hard and some women struggle to ever truly come through it.

xxxxx

Couldn't really have said it better xxx

 

[lisey]

I do believe men find it harder to imagine what it feels like to suffer a miscarriage but using words such as 'the damage is done' isn't all too helpful when referring to the loss of a baby...and its like you are saying 'what more does she want from me?'...
She probably just wants to feel that you really are there for her. You have told her you were not affected by the loss, she probably feels frustrated about this and angry. I would be too. I am not saying this to be nasty but I am putting myself in her position in this. I would be deeply hurt if my OH admitted he wasn't too bothered. She must feel lost and alone if there is nobody to speak to and get it all out. She has been keeping this inside for three years, that is a lot of bottled up emotions and feelings. I would say the best thing to do is let her express how she feels, give her a cuddle, tell her she can speak to you anytime. If you knew someone had lost a relative, you sympathise for them, do the same for her. After all, your OH lost something so precious to her. Miscarriage can be horrific physically and can cause immense pain but also the emotional side of it can fill you with fear and worry for a very long time. I think I will be affected by my miscarriages forever but I have learnt to cope with it over time. I hope your OH can too, with your love and support x

 

[Muguboo]

Lisey I think he meant the damage is done because he'd been too honest with her already and he can't take that back - and he's not suggesting he's done enough and can't do more - he's asking what else he can do to help her

Agree with the rest of what you say

 

[Seanb]

Yeah the damage I was referring to was me telling the truth.

From what I gather the best I can do,is what I've been doing all along but without telling her how I actually feel about it when she asks and wants to talk about.

 

[lisey]

Oh sorry, my mistake. I read it wrong. I think you're right and you just have to continue to be there and listen when she needs to talk x

 

[mylullaby]

If she's lost the loved ones that we so typically rely on for support, then it could be all kinds of emotions she's experiencing as well struggling to cope with how she feels about her miscarriage. Family arguments can happen because it's how we deal with grief. I know when something upsets me I deal with it by getting angry - I'd rather have an argument than let someone see me cry. Multiply that by a million for something as traumatic as as losing my parents or my baby and I can see how I'd struggle to cope. It's hard to recommend counselling when someone is against the idea, but your oh sounds like she would benefit from talking to a professional - perhaps a specialist bereavement counsellor - about how she's feeling.

 

[Jayjay027]

Wow it must be so hard for both of u. Her for not being able to come to terms with the loss, and u for not knowing how to comfort the woman u love.
Tell her its not that u didnt care, but that u thought that *practically and financially* it was for the best - but u understand how difficult it has been emotionally for her. At least that way she may not feel so alone.
I can understand her grief as I didnt know I was pregnant until I was having a miscarriage and I was only 18. It was totally unplanned and not at all ideal and I wasnt ready to be a parent but that baby would be turning 8 in a couple of months and I still think of him all the time and still get sad about what might have been.
I hope u can both work through this together. Best of luck.

Tapatalking

 

[Seanb]

Thank you all for the replies,I agree therapy would help,but we've spoken about it lots of times and there is absolutely no chance I'm afraid.