Be honest...what's it like? =(

[Noor~ul~Usman]

Hey girls
Well I never thought I'd post in this section

I'm a bit of an interloper because I'm not actually single right now, but I'm seriously considering leaving my husband
We've always had a volitile(sp?) relationship and I've often thought about leaving him (once a few years ago I did move out for a week but found it worse with my mum than with him so moved back! ) but for the last year (easily!) it's only obligation that's ended up keeping me with him when we have our bi-monthly massive rows

I'm really scared though. I finally asked him for a trial seperation 2months ago because with PND and everything I just can't take it anymore and I even said that he should take the baby because only his side of the family are muslim and mine aren't so he wouldn't have anyone accept me to back him up/raise him religiously....but he wasn't having any of it and said we'd find a way to work things out. We've been saying that ever since we started dating 4years ago!!!

It's obvious now that he's also suffering with some kind of depression but he's not getting any help with it. Instead he kept skipping work until they fired him and is now mooching around at home with no goals at all. (I've got health visitors, home start volunteer and about to be vetted by the mental health team in order to try and get over my PND).
But no matter how much I love him and how sorry I feel for him.....I just can't take it anymore! It's seriously not helping with my PND and I just feel so sorry for our baby having to grow up in this kind of environment because no matter how much we try we can never avoid a massive bust up for more than a few months

I wont try and play it as all my husbands fault because it's not - I just believe we're very ill matched
He's not abusive but he has slapped me on the cheek a few times in the past and he can get very nasty verbally. He has a very short and hot temper so not that hard to set off really. I used to say if anyone ever raised their hand to me once I'd be out the door....but I just couldn't do it when it came to the crunch. TBH to start with when we were just dating I gave as good as I got by throwing things accross the room at him but when I eventually refused to hit him back and even tried me very best not to swear at him....he still carried on

After the last big row we're meant to have agreed to put all our eggs in one basket and move back to my home town where it's wont all be peachy but I'm hoping it will put things on a better path. My family aren't exactly supportive about anything I do but at least I wont be over 100miles away from them and I have 1 or 2 old friends left that I've just contacted after many years. My hubby also has friends over there as he was living there for just over 1yr before we met.
The problem now though is that I can't wait the 4months until our rent agreement is up anymore, but because we are tied to the lease period (trust me I asked!) I'm trying to come up with ways of moving out sooner and managing both properties.... and this is just stressing my husband out money wise and starting even more arugments and during one of the last ones he made out that it was 'just an option'.......ermm no! if we aren't moving back ASAP we might as well call it a day because I'm not staying here in a broken marriage with PND and no friends or family

We're both not happy at all and for the sake of our son I'm trying to make one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make, because it's not just about me and him anymore....
I'm also now in no position to give our son up and will keep him with me because I honestly believe (after observing his dad's paternal instincts etc the last 2months) that I'll do a better job of raising him.

I just feel wracked with guilt and obligation though because my husband is here on a visa and we need to be together when he renews it in 1.5months time otherwise everything we've been doing for the last 4 years (including all the debt!) goes out of the window and they'll just deport him. He can't get any financial help on the visa either so as soon as I leave with my maternity pay he's going to have zero income and probably have to leave the UK anyway to go and move in with his mum for support.

Apart from that there is the fact that our son is the first grandchild on both sides of the family and so his family will be absolutely gutted. It's not exactly easy to keep in touch as they are a 5hr flight away. And they've showered me with so much perfume and clothes and 21c+ jewllery because we were the first to get married so they call me they're 3rd daughter....I just feel like I'm going to be stealing so much from them

Religiously it's not really an issue because divorce is the least liked of all the allowable things you can do. The saying is that you should feel like you'd rather be dead than married to the person....and tbh I think I've reached that point when I think of the future our family is facing if we stay together.
In fact he didn't have the right to refuse the trial seperation because that's what you do. You sleep seperately etc for a time out....afterwards if you still feel the same you split up and move to sperate houses to see if it's definately what you want....and if it is then as long as the woman isn't pregnant (which I'm not) then you can seal the divorce.
TBH though at this point I'm not interested in getting re-married and so I would be quite happy for the moment just living seperately
I think if I'm honest I don't want us to write our relationship off in a rush.....if we stay split up for a few years then fine coz we're obviously not getting back together.

Anyway I'm sorry about the massive vent but thought I may as well explain my situation and then you can understand why I want to know what it's like to be a single parent. The media make you scared to death of it...but as you can see I'm seriously considering it.

 

[lea m]

I just wanted to give you some hugs hun
And tell you that no matter what, you will be fine! You sound like a very smart lady and there's all sorts of help out there!
Good luck with you journey hun!

 

[Jade&Evie]

Being a single parent is hard work, it's lonely and you hardly ever get a break, BUT it's a lot happier than being in a miserable relationship.

PM me if you need a chat xx

 

[bonny]

Being a single parent is very hard work but also very rewarding, You sound like a very clued up lady who knows what she want. I admire you for that,

 

[linzi-x-]

ditto to what both bonney and jade&evie said, it is hard work at times to be a single parent but tbh i would much rather be a single parent that be in a relationship with my LO's father we were also wat you would call ill matched.... he was violent and abusive towards me but for some strange reason i stayed with him (i guess i believed id be the one to change him)... but when i got pregnant i got rid.. i figured having no dad at home is better than a violent dad, or even a dead mummy...
hugs to you... hope you find whats best for you... be happy xxx

 

[Chrissi87]

just wanted to add that im a single mum to one gorgeous little boy 22 months and im pregnant with his sister..

its hard work sometimes but it comes with benifits too.. seeing my lil boy grow up and achieve things make me soooo proud.. i dont think about waht if me and his dad were together still cause its not going to happen.


remember single parenthood can be fun and happier than maternal partnerships.

hope you works things out and decide waht you want to do.

all the best. x

 

[Squiglet]

Personally... After the way my ex treated me and Tia... AND the fact he was a messy, lazy, selfish arse all the time, it was 1000xs better to be on my own. I didn't have to run around and clean up after him, just Tia... when I brought a tub of ice cream for myself as a treat, it was still there the next day... I had full control over the money, and actually HAD money because I couldn't claim benefits with him living with me, but he spent all his money on himself, but after he left I actually had my own money.

I was basically a single mum ANYWAY's I just had this lodger who ate all my food, messed up the house, and never paid me a penny for it... It was like loosing a dead weight and we were both better for it. Oh and loosing all that stress from not having the constant arguments and the tension you can cut with a knife all the time... Its like freedom. It also showed in Tia because the minute we left my ex, she was dry day and night in a month and had started talking... People forget that a bad relationship affects not just them but the children, and staying in a dead relationship for their sake isn't fair.

It is lonely sometimes. You want a relationship with someone....but its not worth spending your life in a destructive relationship with someone who you don't love and they don't love you.

I like being in a relationship with someone, but tbh, single days, when it was just me and Tia were far simpler and far calm than any other time. People say being a single parent is hard...tbh I found living in a constant spiteful war zone far worse.