Anyone help?

[monkeynut]

I thought I would post here even though I'm not single as this seems tr best place for it.

My older son is 5yrs old, I split from his dad when he was two. He has autism and learning difficulties (this is relevant).

I left his dad because he is a compulsive liar and I found out he had been living one huge lie. He has not paid any money for my son in 18months, and was only seeing him regularly up until June this year because I was basically forcing him. He has only seen his son once since July. I have tried my best in that time to get him to see his son and he says all the right things and will say he wants to then on the Thursday or Friday when he is due to pick him up he will cancel saying he had to work or got no money etc. this was leaving my son really upset-he has a limited understanding (non vocal) but knew when his bag was packed he was going to see his dad and got really upset when his dad didnt show, so I started to keep the bag hidden so when he was let down again he wouldn't know.

Anyway, when my son went to see him (lives 1hr 30 mins away) last time, he didnt want to go and I could tell he was relieved to be home when he got back.

His dad is forever lying to me, he digs himself a whole, it stresses me out and I've had enough of him bringing me down with his lies, he will also lie to his son when he can understand- this is without doubt.

Sooo, I've decided to stop him having access, I haven't taken this decision lightly, but I can't have him as part of our lives anymore. I know a court will likely grant access, but at least if he does fight for him it will maybe make him see him more regularly etc.

I haven't told him I am stopping access yet as I wanted some advice.

I am worried he will become resentful and may possibly remove my son from school and not give him back, is there any order that I can get to stop him doing so? (Seeing as son lives here with me, is happy and settled etc) at the moment his school insisted that the none resident parents details are listed, as he has equal parental responsibility he can take him whenever he wants.

Also, is there anyone/number I could ring about this for advice?

 

[Jaxx01]

I'm pretty sure if he is on the birth certificate and gas parental rights he can pick the child up from school and keep him. It will be frowned upon as because you are his main carer, he would have to have a pretty good case as to why the child would be better off at his. I mean you would have to be physically hurting if putting child in danger for that to happen. I think you would have to go to court though for it to be sorted once it gets to that stage xxx

 

[monkeynut]

I know he can take him if he wants- that's why I wanted a court order stopping it (if possible) as if he takes him and I have to go to court to get him back it can take weeks (as it did with my friend).

He would do it I think, not because he cares but because he is spiteful. A court would not give him full custody, not in a million years.

 

[Jaxx01]

I don't think you can stop him?? I'm not 100% sure someone may come along with better knowledge but as far as I'm aware he can take him and you will need to apply TJ the court to have him back. Unless, you apply god a residency order now? I think you can do that? X

 

[jojo_2012]

I thought unless they have a contact order through the courts they can't pick him up and keep him whether he has parental responsibility or not.

The fact you think this happen makes it seem like this man actually wants to see his son. Yes he's rubbish and it's frustrating as hell trust me I've lived it for 10yrs but is it better than nothing?

If he goes to court they will send you to mediation, you can actually arrange this yourself first so he'd have to sit down with you and work this stuff out. It might actually help!

 

[jojo_2012]

Also, is there anyone/number I could ring about this for advice?

You can call any family solicitor and talk to them for 30 mins for free you don't have to act on anything you don't want to. Maybe CAB can help too.

 

[tabbi]

Right been through this hun and here is what i can tell you-
you need to go and see a lawyer about a residency order (full order) gives you full control on school etc..
you need to ask them to put him down for a triple P parenting course its a 12 week course also for him to do a parenting assessment as well as a course for parents (and part time ones) on how to treat a child with autism and keep there life as normal as possible without making them feel different,
also say that until he has completed them courses and passed the CAFASS assessment he is not allowed to have contact at his property and must be in the commmunity or supervised so you know he is actually treating him right.

it would end up taking him over 4-5 months depending on the judge for him then to see his son then you can have a undertaking about contact or have an order drawn up stating that if he fails to turn up to one contact, it ends until your next court meeting.

its a very long winded process and if i was you i'd tell him now and see a lawyer for the residency order straight away before he does as it then means he cant remove him from the school, your home or if he's even 1 minute late dropping him off you can ring the police and he cant get him a passport without your written consent either.

And he will go one way of a few-
he will never bother with contact
he will bother for a short time then give up
he will get his arse in gear and be around for said child even more

i hope things work out for you hunni please let me know how you get on x x x

 

[leesey]

I think the important thing here is that your son has autism, and the likelihood is needs consistency and order, as well as advance notice for these things, as obviously most children on the spectrum struggle with change and inconsistency. Perhaps his dad isn't 100% aware of the effect he's having? Without being as blunt as getting him Autism for Dummies (it is a real book, I have ADHD for Dummies, really good books!) perhaps some light education about how to prepare for visits and how he needs to stick to his word in order for his son to be comfortable with him.
The lies aren't what the problem is just now, it's the fact that he's letting your son down. If he can change his ways then super, but if not, I'd get in touch with social services, GP, or occupational therapist and discuss the implications the current situation has on your son's development.
If you can provide evidence that your son is on the autistic spectrum, has communication difficulties, and requires routine and consistency, this could encourage the courts to grant full custody or have a specific order in place that says he must stick to a routine.

Best of luck, I really hope you manage to get something sorted for your wee boy xx