Anyone a stay at home Mum? Pressures on OH?

[Louise2013]

Hi all,

OH and I have always said that once we had a second baby I wouldn't go back to work until the little ones started school. As we are now expecting our second, this would be the case from August. He is very supportive of this and we both feel this is the right thing for us and our family, but there is a part of me that feels very guilty about it too. I feel it is such a huge pressure on my husband..... Financially we are very fortunate to be able to do this, but, I find I am feeling really anxious that financially supporting a household on his own is a huge strain; not that he is concerned etc, but I can't help worry that this somehow isn't fair on him.

Does anyone else have this type of guilty feeling? I am very grateful I have the chance to be a stay at home parent and have no qualms about putting my career on hold, but I do worry about the pressure this will put on him. He is exceptionally laid back and loves his job, so I don't think there is any sense of 'extra' pressure, so I don't know what I am anxious about, I just am, if that makes any sense?!

Xxx

 

[Rooster30]

I'm in exactly the same situation. I am so so so grateful to be in this situation though. We're very lucky to have OHs who can afford to keep the house and family afloat so that the kiddies have their mum.

If he is relaxed, then try and relax yourself. I worry about the financial burden on my OH - but like yours, he seems okay, so unless he seems stressed by it all, then I don't worry myself too much with it.

 

[Ella1979]

I'm in the process of deciding whether to be a stay-at-home mum. My OH's salary only just covers all our outgoings, but me being at work doesn't add much after childcare, so what with all the illness my two get, it hardly seems worth it.

I agree with Rooster, if your OH's relaxed about it then you should try to be too. Is it possible that even though you're happy to put your career on hold, that you're feeling a bit anxious over that? It is quite a big step and I know it was something my sister struggled with - even though her OH was happy for her to stay at home and they can easily do it financially.

 

[Baby2sky]

I was a sahm, then craved part time work and will go back to being a sahm mum for a couple of years once our second is born. I have never really felt guilty or anxious about my husband supporting us as, like your oh, my husband is very laid back and hard working and sees this as a temporary thing whilst the children are little. Its a great position to be in, and I would try to relax about it especially if oh is laid back xxx

 

[Goat]

We're in the same position. Just had no.2 and we've agreed I won't be going back to work. I've not handed in my notice but I also feel really anxious about it and not sure why. We've saved and were sensible, have no debts but I just feel uneasy about giving up a good stable job with a good salary. I think it's stemming from feelings such as not knowing if I will ever get a job like that again/what if oh loses his job/am I being a bit selfish not going back a little longer to really build up on our savings so that we will be able to afford the extras like after school clubs/holidays etc etc.

Who knows but I know my desire to be at home and look after them whilst they're so young overpowers any of those other feelings so I know deep down it'll be ok. I know this doesn't help you but just wanted to let you know you're not alone!xx

 

[Toria111]

I went back to work after my second baby, but due to the pressures of us both working long hours, and the kids being sick quite a lot, I ended up resigning 4 months after going back. That was 5 years ago now, and we've since had a third baby. Anyway....we found that with me being a sahm meant my oh wasn't sharing the rushing around dropping off and picking up kids. He could focus more on his career, which has meant a few promotions and now financially we are better off than we were before. It was definitely the best decision for us.

 

[MissLauren]

I can relate to this. My OH earns enough to cover bills and essentials (not much is left but we can get by), and he's already said that I don't have to go back to work if I don't particularly want to. Childcare costs aren't an issue for me as my mum has already said she will look after LO if and when I am at work.

I'm definitely not going back to the workplace I was at before I had my LG as the hours really aren't suitable so it would mean looking for a part time job, doing anything aslong as it has the right hours.

As you say though, the thought of me being a SAHM does make me feel guilty for putting all the financial pressure on my OH, despite how he says he wouldn't be bothered at all. He enjoys his job and is working towards promotion and payrises as we speak. However he is constantly making 'jokes' about how he does all the hard work and brings in all the money, which he says he's only joking but when I hear it all the time, part of me thinks he must be bothered a little bit.

If I'm really honest, I would love to be a SAHM. Not through laziness or anything like that but the thought of either of us missing out on important developmental times with our daughter due to us both working makes me feel even more guilty! I think at least one of us should be there to see it all. But at the same time, I think a little part time job would allow me to keep my sanity! So I'm undecided what to do just yet, I have until end of august to decide properly, but there will be no rush to jump straight into work x

 

[Smileygirl]

Try to think of being a stay at home mum as a huge contribution as you will be saving the family huge childcare bills!

 

[Ella1979]

I'm not quite sure why SAHMs are considered "lazy"? They're doing exactly the same thing as nursery workers or childminders, they just happen to be looking after their own children instead of someone else's. And I've never heard nursery workers or childminders called lazy. Why is it that only paid work is valued?

 

[MissLauren]

There is a certain stigma about it though isn't there. As well as feeling guilty about the financial pressure for OH, I personally feel like certain people would judge as well. I know I shouldn't care what other people think but its a fact that I do, although most of the time I just worry about it rather than let it influence my actions. There's so much emphasis on encouraging everybody to work and you get some women who boast about how they can manage to do 60 hour weeks as well as manage a household and children, hats off to you as I certainly couldn't, but I honestly can't see how much time is spent with the children. I feel that many people are quick to assume 'oh she's not working, must be on benefits' and then comes the stigma of being on benefits, without considering how much partners earn. X

 

[clairebear22]

I'm a sahm and have been since our eldest was born nearly 4 years ago. We'd always said I wouldn't work until any children we have go to school full time. My OH is also self employed so has to work very long days and for many days at a time to bring money in for us. At the moment he has just done day 13 in a row! Our eldest also has autism and is non-verbal so I wouldn't feel comfortable putting him into childcare so I'm incredibly grateful for OH supporting us. I help out by only spending money on things we need and treating the boys every now and again. I still have two years at home with our youngest and I love every minute of it

 

[JJ Mum]

With my first I went back at 18 weeks and only did 4 mths as the childminder allowed my son to pull a room fan down on his head!! That was it sahm!! I did do 10 pm till 2 am at a supermarket etc for a few years tho around hubbys day job

Then had two more but when youngest 3 ( daughter ) hubby was made redundant on the fri so I was back full time and worked till had my 4th, daughter was then 9. After leaving to become a sahm 4 years ago , it's the best thing I did , i so had my priorities screwed up, doing unpaid overtime and pressures of the job... Id gone a bit careary. Hubby was crap at sahd anyway, he knows i don't scive at hone now, like he did!! and went back to nights. After this baby starts school in sept 4 years 2019 , ill be out getting a job, hopefully term time only but they are hard to find!

So worth being a sahm louise, it can get very draining and thankless but there are bits of normal work that would do that far more.

We cutback, got an allotment, and manage , you can't get that time back with your lo can you, they grow too fast.

I am in the minoritytbh, met loads of lovely mum freinds at babygroup and they all went back!! Boo

 

[Dotty_woman]

Don't feel guilty if you have the support of your OH. I'm glad that so many of you have supportive husbands who give you the option to do this. I had all on negotiating my full time job down to 4 days a week and I feel guilty about having that day on occasion. My OH works freelance and can't always guarantee he will have work but does get paid well to compensate for this. I would happily sacrifice some of the stuff we have to spent some more time with our kids. I can't get that time back now. xxx

 

[littlemonkey]

I honestly think my OH would prefer me to be a SAHM. We both work full time right now and I currently work shifts. So he has a lot of weekends on his own with the LO while I'm in work. This will obviously change once our second is born and I will have to go back part time due to childcare costs.

I think my OH would like to be able to come home every night, put his feet up and chill out at weekends not having to worry about housework etc, and doing anything other than playing with the LOs while I did all the tough stuff. But until he earns enough on his own to cover our outgoings, we're as we are! I actually earn the most so even if one of us stayed at home it would make more sense for it to be OH!

I really wouldn't feel any guilt about either of us staying home to look after our kids. Raising children and running a house is hand work and anyone who says otherwise either gets a s***load of help or is lying in my opinion! As others have said, they're only little once and it's only five years out of work really until they go to school.

 

[LD1978]

Id love to be a sahm but we just can't afford it. I earn more so really if anyone stayed home it would be better if hubby did but he wouldn't want it and neither would I. Hubby is self employed so always a worry should he not have work but then Ive had jobs and been made redundant so nothing's a guarantee. I'm working part time and for me it's a nice balance as I still get quality time with my baby.

I think if you can afford to stay home and it's what you want then it's lovely. Equally if people want to work that's great too (I have a friend who outwardly admits she doesn't enjoy being a mum)

I do envy sahm though as Id love to do it

 

[Bluebell]

My husband has been a stay at home dad since our 2nd was born. I'm now on maternity leave with 3rd. I work full time doing a physically and mentally demanding job, and I feel that my husband does too taking care of our children and housework, I used to feel guilty leaving for work in the mornings knowing lots needed to be done and I would get home and do what I could to help around the house, Being a sahm or dad is a full on job and you never get to clock off or have a lunch break without being disturbed.

Enjoy being a sahm and don't feel guilty for it it's hard work. I'm not sure what our plans are for when my maternity leave is over.

 

[Ella1979]

I think if you can afford to stay home and it's what you want then it's lovely.

To be honest, once you have more than one child (and especially if you have them close together), it's more a case of whether you can afford to go back to work! Also, I think nowadays we kind of expect more - like foreign holidays, new tvs, phones, computers etc. My mum was a SAHM, but dad earned loads so we never had to worry, but a friend of theirs was also a SAHM and they were really poor - she chose to have barely any money but be with her kids as they grew up (she went back to work when they were in junior school). I don't think we have that kind of mentality now at all... I certainly don't - I'm in the middle of a load of spreadsheets and figures, trying to work out the best options!!!

 

[LD1978]

Yes that's true - childcare is so expensive it's just not worth working for some people. We would struggle on just one wage as we live in the South so property is expensive where we are and the mortgage is a massive chunk before we even start. I'm lucky my mum has emily and if we are lucky enough to have a second she's said as long as she's able she will help. I don't know what we would do otherwise as we can't live off one wage,earn too much for help and couldn't afford 2 in childcare.

Id be happy to sacrifice things but cost of living is so high! I really think they need to seriously look at childcare costs!! My boss pays 1500 a month for his 2 - we could no way afford that!

I hope your spreadsheet helps - it's so hard to know what's best

 

[Louise2013]

Thans ladies, it is lovely to read so many helpful and thoughtful replies! I will try and stop feeling guilty and just embrace it, after all, my little ones will be big enough soon enough and then I'll wonder where the time has gone and feel guilty I didn't just relish it more! thanks girls xxxxx

 

[Ella1979]

Yes that's true - childcare is so expensive it's just not worth working for some people. We would struggle on just one wage as we live in the South so property is expensive where we are and the mortgage is a massive chunk before we even start. I'm lucky my mum has emily and if we are lucky enough to have a second she's said as long as she's able she will help. I don't know what we would do otherwise as we can't live off one wage,earn too much for help and couldn't afford 2 in childcare.

Id be happy to sacrifice things but cost of living is so high! I really think they need to seriously look at childcare costs!! My boss pays 1500 a month for his 2 - we could no way afford that!

I hope your spreadsheet helps - it's so hard to know what's best

Thanks! Yes, we're in the south too and nursery fees are high and our mortgage payments are high (we did try to change but got caught out with the "affordability" check, which meant we couldn't get a mortgage that would cost us less...).