Anxiety

[xx emma xx]

Ive wrote a thread about this before but just feel i need to write this to maybe stop me crying. Some of you know i suffer quite badly from anxiety and being referred to hospital about it in March as its taking over my life and i am off sick with it.
Its my OHs parents wedding anniversary so are having a party at his aunts house, there is people there that i would be meeting for the first time. Today i got so terrified at the idea of being in this situation that i was in floods of tears. My OH as usual is amazing with me and said i dont need to go if its making me like this. So in the end i decided i couldnt go. My OH is there just now and he has been texting me all the time to make sure im ok. Part of me felt like 'i want to be there' so i ironed my things and went to put my make up on and since then i cannot stop crying. I feel like there is a brick wall stopping me from getting ready to go. So now ive told my OH i just cant do it, i want to but i cant. I dont even know what im expecting from writing this post i just feel like this is taking over my life, i cry almost everyday.
I feel so so bad for my OH that he has to deal with this and watch me being in this state on a daily basis. I just feel so bad about myself and think how the f**k can i take care of a baby if shit like this gets to me. I just want to feel normal and be happy. I have a wonderful OH, having a baby and getting married next year, yet i feel so down.
I got an earlier appointment to see a psychiatrist who will assess me on 10th March, I just so hope they can help. Sorry for the long post xx

 

[pinkymum]

Awww hun, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't really relate because the anxiety I had wasn't on that scale. But I have a close friend who sometimes can't leave the house because she's so anxious. I was going to suggest trying to get an earlier appointment but I see you've got an earlier one. Hope they can help, I'm guessing they won't put you on anti anxiety meds just now, unless they use an anti depressant that can be used in pregnancy. Maybe some therapy would help too. Can you try something to calm you down tonight? Warm bath, hot choclolate, writing in a journal? Maybe if you can get to the bottom of whats causing the anxiety that would really help.

big

Thinking of you

x x xx

 

[xx emma xx]

I wrote a big reply there then internet crashed aaaahhh

Thanks pinkymum, the last time i was at docs he offered me medication and i said no cos i wanted to try deal with it without doing that. But i think i may have to if they suggest that at my appointment. Its getting worse and worse. Im worried my stressing will affect the baby and hate that my OH has to see me like this so i need to do something. Maybe i could get medication until any therapy kicks in.
I have hardly eaten all day, the only reason ive ate what i have is down to my OH. Its as if im glued to my seat and just cannot move. I promised my OH i would make myself dinner and i just cant move.
I so badly want to feel better. xx

 

[pinkymum]

Yep if they suggest meds take them because it sounds like its getting worse hun. Please go and try to eat something. X x x x

 

[PinkPunch]

Oh Emma I know how you feel. In December I started getting panic attacks and they left me with bad anxiety. I hardly ate anything, couldn't look after DD, couldn't do basic everyday things, couldn't stand being in my bedroom where my attacks started etc. My doc was useless and basically said there's nothing they can give when pregnant (I didn't want to take anything with risks).

I have a diary app on my phone and everyday I would write down what I did that day and how I felt. I think it helped because I could look back at some positive days and know there was hope for me.

Thankfully my anxiety is absolutely nowhere as bad as it was. I didn't stop doing things that made me anxious because i wanted to overcome it so much. If you avoid the things that trigger the anxiety, your giving in to it as if there's a reason why you can't go out among ppl etc. Break yourself in slowly with situations that trigger it, it's the only way to overcome that fear.

I really wish I could help you in some way because for me it was by far the worst time of my life. Through time it seems to lessen though and with your docs help you'll get through. It's important to remember that it will pass and you will feel more normal someday. It's a temporary thing. Nothing can harm you, it's just negative thoughts.

Let us know how you get on *big hugs* x

 

[xx emma xx]

Thank you PinkPunch thats really reassuring. I went through a phase a couple of weeks ago where i basically told my OH everything i had built up and for about 4 days i felt so much better, my OH noticed a real difference in me. And then as quick as i felt like that it went away just as fast. I wish i knew what made me feel better, i think last week it was partly because i knew how much it was worrying my OH.
My OH has been off work for a couple of weeks and goes back on Monday and i think this is worrying me too cos i know i will be on my own everyday. I dont think it helps im off everyday and i dont really have anything to do, i try organise things for baby and wedding but only so much i can do and then i feel pretty useless. I cant work though as that gets me into an even bigger state.
I so tried to face it earlier by going and getting my things ready to go to the party but something just would not let me get ready. Its so frustrating as i know its stopping me enjoying being pregnant. xxx

 

[xshauna_bazx]

Ive no advice but just wanted give you a Sorry your going through this. I hate being in those type of situations too. xxx

 

[amandapanda]

Awww hun I can really relate to how you feel - I have certainly felt the same as you in the past (my anxiety was very tied in to serious depression). Your story reminded me of times when I was unable to leave the house, and my partner at the time would try to physically get me out to 'face my fears' but I just couldn't do it. My depression and anxiety really manifested as acute self consciousness - I was aware of every little movement I made, how I looked, how I sounded.....I could never relax and just let myself go and enjoy the moment. I still feel that somewhat now, but to a lesser extent and I can manage it more. I still get very nervous in crowd situations and really do not like parties and rarely go to them as I feel really out of my depth.The good thing is I was referred to mental health servces and had a course of therapy with a pshychologist - not just counselling and talking but practical therapeutic solutions to address the mindset that causes anxiety and depressive thought patterns. Mine was called Cognitive Analytical Therapy but there is also Cognitive Behavoiural Therapy which is really useful - I think it could really help you hun so ask about it at your appointment. Medication helped me aswell, but actual therapy will help you to challenge your negative thought patterns that are crippling you at the moment.

Don't feel bad about your b/f - he loves you as you are and is probably just happy you are seeking help Be patient with yourself hun, it's a long road but things really can improve - they certainly did for me xxxxx

 

[xx emma xx]

Aww thank you Amanda. I feel a bit better today, my OH took me out for my lunch and spoke to my mum this morning on phone which cheered me up a bit. I was awake until 6am this morning unable to sleep so going to buy a book to try and help me at night to get into a better sleeping pattern cos I'm up to all hours quite a lot. My OH goes back to work tomorrow so this week is going to be a test to see how I deal with things on my own. I need to just start trying to be positive which is easy some days but yous will all understand some days this just doesn't work.
Hopefully this psychiatrist will be able to help me. My OH asked this morning 'what would you rather have, anxiety or morning sickness' I would choose morning sickness hands down lol. He's trying so hard to make me feel happy, he brought me in a plate of cakes from the party lastnight, bless him. I'm very lucky to have him. Xxx

 

[amandapanda]

Awww bless him he sounds like a real gem and is obviously there for you 100% Glad you're feeling a little better xxx

 

[PinkPunch]

Aww that was thoughtful of him.

 

[xx emma xx]

I know. He is a very thoughtful person. Im spoiled, he runs about after me all the time. I need to stop letting him or i will be in for a shock when im myself with baby when hes working. xx