And I'm back.

[LuW]

After 4 years I didn't really think I'd find myself here again.

We caught first try by some sort of miracle, everything was find, regular symptoms, no bleeds no nothing.

Went for an early private scan, saw baby there complete with little heart beat. Went yesterday for our 12 week NHS scan which changed my world again.

No more baby. Lady doing our scan said to my boyfriend while I went to use the loo and have a private 'lose my Sh!t' kind of cry that we'd been lucky to see baby alive, that it had only lasted maybe a week more if that.


Then was put in a room at the back to wait for 'someone from upstairs' to come and get us. That only took about 30 mins. So can't complain at the girls in ultrasound or the lady that came to get us. It was when we got upstairs the problems started.

They were expecting us and had said to said us up, so they did. When we got up there, there wasn't anywhere apart from the waiting room in a busy corridor for us to sit. I felt like a bloody side show at a circus. Every staff member that walked passed sucked their teeth a little or 'awh'ed at us and every other person stopped and gawped at us.

After an hour of this the woman that had brought us up walked passed and practically lost her sh!t that we were sat there and threw a massive tantrum to get us somewhere private. So we were moved to a small 'cupboard' with a sofa in that smelled like fart and BO. And then left alone for another hour and half not knowing anything.

G went out about 3 or 4 times asking when we'd be seen and on the 4th someone went 'oh fine then I'll see you now'.

She rudely and rather directly said 'you're here because we need to terminate your pregnancy' - if I hadn't already been in bits now then I would have been. Went for medical management in the 5 seconds she gave us to pick then had to wait for another hour for the DR (don't blame him for the wait, he was stretched across three wards poor lad)

Really sweet student nurse came in to do obs at some point in that and honestly couldn't have been kinder.

Dr came in, was more tactile in re-explaining what had happened and what was next. Until he made me describe in depth how I'd lost my baby 4 years ago - wouldn't even let G do it for me or let up when I was having a full panic attack having to relive it and then cleared off without telling us anymore.

nearly 2 hours later, witch nurse came back in with a glass of luke warm and cloudy water and four tablets. I suck with tablets so I took my time taking them as not to add the smell of fresh vomit to the attractive odor already in the room - she spent the time sighing and tapping her foot. Then left telling me to wait til she came back.


another hour later she came back to check I hadn't thrown up. I said at that point that I was already in a lot of pain and felt I could really use a pad for the journey home. Was told that wasn't possible.

half an hour later I was allowed to leave with already stained jeans and feeling very queasy and shivering. G had to steal one of those cardboard bowls for the car incase I needed to throw up - luckily did make it home and onto the drive before I vomited.

The whole time I had assumed this was all because they were short staffed. Until we were leaving and walked passed the nurses station where 10 different nurses, 2 student nurses and 2 ward staff stood around having a good old chat.


G's been more than a saint, doing everything he can to cheer me up - going out to buy foods he knows I can't resist to try to get me to eat something. Putting up with sitting through my crappy girly films all night. Sitting up with me even after I'd fallen asleep even though he's had to go to work all day today. Then moving one of the laptops, a bottle of water, a bottle of pop, some crisps and some fruit up to the bedroom before he went to work in case I didn't feel like going downstairs. Just can't help but feel like we were taken the piss out of at the unit and that everything could have been dealt with much more sensitively and also faster. All I wanted was to come home - I didn't want to be turned into a sympathy act or a side show. I just wanted my dog and my bed.

 

[Drc]

Such a devastating thing to go through but to be put through all that on top is disgusting.
I know it might not be top of your agenda right now but a complaint might be in order.
Hope you're getting the support you need right now. X

 

[snowbee]

I'm sorry to hear your news and that you were treated in such a terrible way. Totally agree with Drc above, once you are feeling up to it a letter of complaint about their 'service' wouldn't go amiss. For now big hugs and take time to grieve your loss with your oh, sounds like he is looking after you.

 

[LuW]

Thank you - and I wont be letting this go with the hospital. G is Belgian and for a good part of last night was adamant we were moving over to his parents for health care if there's a next time.

I have him and I have my dog - He was bought to try and help me move on a year after my last loss and is my total world. He wont and can't ever replace either of my babies but he just has a way about him that makes me feel like everything's alright. G was even trying to distract me and cheer me up saying that once we've settled in the new house we can look at getting 'his' dog- which has gone from either being a Great Dane or a Husky to another Jack Russell to match my boy, so pretty sure his more through it out there to give me a focus like Alf was last time.

 

[BabysMomma]

I'm so sorry for your loss hunnie x

My good gawd I am horrified that you were treated the way you were Where has the compassion gone from that nasty nurse! How she could behave that way, even if the dept was short staffed, does not excuse her behaviour at all! I'm so sorry! x

 

[laurat]

Im so sorry you have had to go through this! ❤️

 

[caseysmummy11]

I'm so sorry for your loss hun. I can't believe how they've treated you. It's disgusting. I would complain about it when your feeling up to it hun. It's definitely not on. I work in a hospital and would never dream of treating people like that xxx

 

[millielaura]

Oh I'm so so sorry

I totally understand what you're going through, I had this happen to me a few years ago at 14 weeks, literally was like reading my own story. Although they kept me in the hospital for the full day. But I also found them to be really insensitive and a lot of waiting around without being told anything and just waiting around upset. I also had the whole "so you're here for a termination" thing once they'd got me on the right ward. Was horrible!
Hugs to you both and so so sorry xxxxxxxxxx

 

[cocosherbie]

oh god what an awful experience! Im so sorry you had to go through that nightmare. Its bad enough the devastation of the scan, let alone being treated like that by the hospital staff. Its appalling and you should definitely put in a complaint when you feel a bit better.

Its interesting you mention going through the Belgian system in the future, I live in the Netherlands and I wonder if its similar? I find the approach here to be non-interventionist; although you can opt to have a d&c, they are not generally advised unless you have complications. In both my mmc, I chose the medical approach where I was given a script then took the pills at home.
Ive read others experiences in the UK where the medical management is done in the hospital and you have to wait there until you pass the sac. I couldn't think of anything worse than being stuck in a hospital for this experience.
I just find it fascinating the different approaches each country has to miscarriage management.
Anyway, sorry again that you had to go through this. Take the time to heal as best you can
take care
x

 

[LuW]

I wasn't happy even having to go for the scan there, but the hospital I'm more comfortable at only has a tiny ultrasound department that they try to keep more for diagnostic purposes than pregnancy which is fine and all, but I just know I would have been treated faster and with more compassion there then where we had to go.

They were just as heartless when I lost my boy after being beaten (and clearly beaten) by my ex who no one removed from the ward no matter how much I asked and they believed his story of 'well she fell off her horse' - how many horses do you know with fists instead of hooves?

It should have been shut down years ago or at least majority control handed to one of the neighboring hospitals, instead it just seems to be absorbing clinics and wards from the smaller sites around it only months after they've tried to expand.

It's nighttime I'm feeling more of it all. When I'm pretty much alone and with us still being at my parents while our house is set up I can't even really just go downstairs and completely lose it because we never told anyone else (aside from a friend) and if I was to cry the way I want to in bed I'd keep the whole house up.

Was actually at this hospital as my friends birthing partner in 2014, where the midwife attending asked a few rather probing questions about my sex life and when I was going to have a baby. When I said well not any time soon, I'm going back to 'school' this time, her reply was 'good- you're clearly anorexic. would just damage the baby' and while I was an ill weight then, I was also under medical management of a complex spinal, nerve and muscular condition that left me with no energy, appetite or ability to eat even when I wanted to. I have gained about a stone back since then and have been cleared by weight management as 'healthy' but now that's playing on my mind too.

That if I'd tried harder and had more weight on me that I wouldn't be here now.

 

[cocosherbie]

jeez, what a tough time you've had. My heart goes out to you

Firstly, if you've been told you have a healthy weight now, then it had nothing to do with you losing this baby. So you can put that idea out of your head right now. Well done on putting on the extra weight, I know how hard that can be. When I was in my early 20's, I was underweight too, and it seemed everyone felt like they could openly share their opinion on that with me! I had comments of anorexia and eating disorders too, none of which was true, I just had a small frame. But I can understand how you must feel when people think its their business to comment on your weight.

Have you been to see a councelor or therapist in the past? With the abuse you have suffered and the feelings you are experiencing now, its definitely something you may want to look into if you haven't already.

Try to focus now on your recovery, make sure you are eating the best you can and getting out of the house when you feel up to it. Summer's here now so get out in the sun for a little bit, makes me feel better
best of luck with everything xx

 

[LuW]

I've actually just spoken to my old CBT therapist about an hour ago.

She's just told me to try some of the old techniques but she's going to try to get her colleague whose a little more experienced in this particular area to give me a call this week which is nice. She was horrified with how we'd be treated and with her knowing all the details of my history she's surprised she didn't get an A&E referral for me - Was glad of her honesty in that but a little put down that that's whats assumed of me as well. Made that rod for my back years ago I suppose.

Something she said to try was keeping either a daily or every other day diary so that when I am particularly low I can see when something good happened - Like this morning I was in completely tiny bits, but Saturday I'd managed to pull apart our 'new' garden furniture and help G paint it up for the new house. So I'm kind of thinking a blog. That way I can either keep it private or public and maybe help someone else one day? It's also a little more anonymous then written - if a family member was to find it, it'd be obvious and raise questions I don't want to answer, but if the blog was seen in my history (less likely anyway) it can be passed off as a link that was sent to me.

It's difficult trying to google if something 'right' or 'normal' because most things that come up are the cold hard facts - the numbers the procedure. No actual details of how it's going to happen, that it appears to be normal to have the pain and the bleeding, it go away and then come back with full force. That some days you might feel 'normal' and then something like there being no loo roll with set you back to rocking back on the floor crying because 'you should have remembered to go shopping' along with everything else.