Advice please

[Merfairy]

Hi there,

I am popping in as I have a question on someone else's behalf actually and wonder if any advice is offered here.

A friend has a partner who has had the snip and he cannot have children, she is desperate for a child and I wonder if there is any advice here that I could pass on.

He won't have a reversal as he fears the risks and cost, she won't go for AI, adoption is out the question and not sure she is in to the idea of fostering!! She is very angry and bitter as she cannot get pregnant with her partner and I feel like I would like to offer some support. Cheating on him is not an option (quite rightly so) and she won't leave him; she is now 40 and I know she is really stressed? She had the chance to have some tests, checks internals etc etc, I guess to see what options there were for her, but she refused to be checked over (we all have to go through checks and tests don't we?) he is firing blanks due to visectamy, I don't know what to suggest?

Her and I have fallen out as I am 6 months pregnant and I felt guilty early on and didn't want to tell her and she seems to think I have had it easy, but I do have two angels so I have not had it so easy... so not sure what to do to try and patch things up?

Any advice or suggestion would be so appreciated...

 

[LouiseB]

Well, seeing that we're talking about someone else i feel i can be a bit blunt about it...

It sounds to me like she got herself into the situation that she is in now with her eyes wide open and it is no ones fault but her own

She's 40 so she's left it late and she has about a 25% chance of being infertile and then she has a 25% chance of miscarriage just due to her age.

I'm assuming that she hasn't been wanting children for very long because why would she have got with a guy who couldn't have them

Maybe you've made her broody

I can understand her frustrations, but she can't change her mind and then start being picky about how it happens.

Getting angry at her partner and her friends is just trying to deflect the blame which can only be laid at her own feet...

All of the above was supposed to lead to the point of not pandering to her. Don't feel guilty. She needs to be made aware that she isn't being very realistic - even if it might be hard to swallow from someone it your position

As for what action she can actually take, well she needs to get all the necessary diagnostic tests done. That is her *only* option.

They might turn around and tell her she has no chance of carrying her own children so she can re-evaluate her situation. No point her OH getting a reversal if she can't conceive anyway.

If they do turn around and tell her that she should be able to conceive, well maybe her effort will make her partner reconsider?

He doesn't neeed to have a reversal for them to have IVF as they can take the sperm directly from his testicles - so that is an option too

I hope you can recover your friendship with her as you are clearly a very good friend to have, but really you need to get over the fact that you are pregnant and she isn't. Your pregnancy might be as close as she'll get, so try to involve her