Advice on EX OH first visit to baby

[LucyAnn]

me again! alot of you know the story by now but im just getting really anxious about the birth now & his first visit to baby, its something me & you girlies havent covered yet , i need you!.

As he has been amicable since seeing me a few days ago instead of abusive & aggressive i really need to clarify in my head about contacting around labour / birth. Im a nervous wreck! He has even txt me twice since seeing him asking how i am and any twinges etc. So for now his behaviuor is being nice and i want to retaliate back with nice behaviour & abit of leeway for him to miss out on as little of the experience as poss.

So any day now i along with my two cats lol are moving back to my mom n dads for a few nights after birth etc then just return to my home when im capable etc.

When i took advice about jons rights, My plan, as he hadnt been intouch & as far as i was aware was not bothered about baby etc was to have baby get to mom n dads for a few days then when settled arrange to meet him at my flat for first visit. (I was advised that this is perfectly well to do by Citizens Advice & access was up to me)

But what i would maybe like is for him to visit while we are at hospital, then i will go off to mom n dads to settle & a couple days after he can 2nd visit at my home.
First reason is for this is as he is texting me often asking how i am he will obviuosly have some idea of when im labouring etc secondly the quicker he visits then i can start to settle with baby for a couple of stresser free days at mom & dads rather than worry about while im at mom and dads him being angry with me and abusive which could very well happen if he dont see the baby quick.

I just feel really anxius still i feel control is being taken away from me, im scared I cant even sleep!
Obviously with what Jon has done to me he is not welcome to my mom n dads (tbh they prob would cave in if i asked them nicely) But they are the ones who have had all the stress of looking after me & last thing im gonna do is bring it to their doorstep. They have had to transport all the baby stuff to theirs, put up with me being hormonal they are retired, my father doesnt seem well & they are giving up their quiet life to have me & baby there for abit i owe them big time.

Im just scared.

It's like im planning wohoo give birth then when mom pops home from hosp, i can invite jon to hosp he can visit & go then my mom can come get me.

I dont want mom n jon to cross paths at hosp I havent even told her yet he has opologised for his behaviour but jon will never see my side of fam again no need to & its all mine & his decisions etc looking forward i. But its like already on my mind im thinking oh god, 1st thing after i have baby even before i shower i will have to text him etc (basically i think i feel pressured to & too scared not to because of what he will do) I though after we had made peace i would feel relaxed which i did for like a day,now im scared.mom is Birth Partner as i will need support not stress, bt at the same time i would be shit scared to text him saying i was in labour as he would just show up & barge into hosp n prob his mom sis & nan would try & swarm in too! Im just so scared. When i left mom n dads last night, i just cried driving all the way home. (They wanted me to stay last night being so close to due date but this was just on my mind so much)

I know if he does turn nasty again & thats an if police will be called Citizens advice told me off for not doing so last time im worried about how he obviously wants a running commentry on every stage of labour birth etc.

Girls im crying again typing this I just only want to do whats right by baby & me i dont want the stress all thats running through my mind is him just showing up at hosp and just barging in the room to me im scared if i restrict him at all he will just start being horrible to me. I feel like if i didnt text him till an hour after birth he will have a go at me but baby could realistically be feeding or anything but i feel like he may not understand and just think im doing it intentially
maybe worth a call to him to talk abit more about it etc bt scared to approach the subject as i am geniunly scared that if i upset him on phone he will be after my blood literally, more scared to say this in person

I just bloody wish he could have realised quicker that 6 days before birth he wanted to be involved & suddenly realise he was having a baby as so many things could have been cleared up and we could have made solid arrangements but instead my plan of what to expect has gone out window i just wanted baby & to enjoy the love/ support given off my family, i hate feeling this stressed again xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[littlemiss83]

You really need to stop getting yourself so stressed!!

My advice would be - let him know when your in labour & if he wants to sit in hosp while you're in labour then let him - its his baby too & I suppose he has the right to hang about there if he wants to, no one's saying he should be in the room with you, but i'd at least give him the right to be there - your mum or anyone else has no right to stop him being at hosp, no matter what has happened, its your choice & you shouldn't feel bad by not following your parents guidance. Warn him before hand that the labour could be very long & he might not want to hang around hosp the whole time.

He doesn't necessarily need to cross paths with your mum, but i'd be straight to the point with your mum & explain that he might be there, in the hosp. You might also want to say to him that u might get more stressed if loads of his fam are hanging about too, but obvs you'd want baby to meet its family from your OH's side too.

If you's are in touch thro texts i'd say if he doesn't hear from you for a while he might worry that your in labour. It sounds like, no matter what your probs were, he's wanting to be involved with baby.

 

[rachyryan]

You and the baby are the priority here, his needs and wants come a long distant second no matter what the circumstances are especially when you are in labour and immediatley following the birth. I am not sure about all that has happened but from what you are saying, you are being more than accomodating following the history. When you are in labour the last thing you will need is him and his family barging in, however i am sure the midwives wont allow that unless you give permission.

Can you try and explain to him your worries, let him know that you will tell him when you are in labour but ask that he respects your wishes and does not try and barge in. Surely he can see how reasonable you are being with him and from what you have said, you dont necessarily have to be so reasonable given his past behviour.

Put yourself and the baby first, he will get time with the lo when it's here. I agree with little miss that you should speak to your mum about all this too, if she is your birth partner she is also there to speak for you and your wishes when you arn't able to. Letting her know all your feelings will help. Do things like contacting him in your own time after the birth, yes dont leave it too long but you dont need to be worrying about it immediately after. You should not feel under pressure from him at all. Big hugs hun xx

PS. hope ths doesn't sound too much of a rant but i think you have been so good about things from your past few posts it's not fair you should be made to feel like this xx

 

[jojo_2012]

If he wants to be abusive, you should keep your distance and let him see the baby on your terms don't give in to a bully now or he'll carry on. If you think it's easier for him to see baby wait until you've given birth in the hospital and feel strong enough otherwise he'll be in after 5 minutes and take that special moment away from you.

 

[Geminiblue]

a combination of whatthe others said babe. Talk to your mum and dad, this is about you and your baby and they will just have to all be civil to each other. Tell OH what your plans are and he will have to fit in around you and the baby. All will be fine and if not, he can then clear off hey xxx

 

[isobel84]

Call him up n tell him your plans n ask if he's ok with it, if not try to get to a conclusion that suit you both n both of u need to stick to it x

 

[star fish]

I would let him know when you go into labour. Tell your mum he will be at the hospital and she should let him in after you have had the baby so he can see it. Then give him a little time to see his baby and then tell him you are off to spend a few days at your parents and will call him again when you go back home. At least you know you will be safe and protected at the hospital and he cant turn nasty or security would throw him out. xx