2nd meet with EX OH last night

[LucyAnn]

Hiya again just getting it off me chest n rambling on sorry to bore you all & agin no need to reply lol

So follow on from the night before, last night he came, still didnt ask him in my home because of his previous behaviuor we went for a drive for what seemed like hours but with how hot it was the cool breeze was lovely. He was just talking in general to me and still seemed like this new changed person, was asking how i had felt that day, sickness , eating, baby kicking etc.

We didnt get down to nitty gritty til he dropped me off, we then sat up talking in his car till midnight (the latest night ive had since being pregnant, dirty stop out!)

We covered quite a lot , I told him how hard its been for me growth scans, monitoring, car crash, being alone , financially , stress he has put me under in general and the aggressive tine last month etc and he just kinda looked embarrassed by himself and his previous actions etc he said sorry (i couldnt look in his eyes)



He said again it was only wednesday reality hit him when his sister had said only 6 days left, he said it was like someone flicked a switch and that baby is priority now etc

He then all night was asking 'have your waters broke yet' we were going over speedbumps alot etc but he was being serious lmao!!

He started saying 'i cant wait for labour to start whatever time or day i will dart over and even if you are in there 5 hours or 5 days i will not leave'

'I said thats lovely but I already have the labour planned, with my mom' He said thats ok but still let me know when you go in labour i just want to be at hospital when it happens, he said his heart will sink if he just gets a call days after to say its all happenned etc That touched me but with his aggressive behaviou to some extent its his doing he will not be at birth and he realises that now and that he left it too late. I was just honest I said a birth partner is there for support for me, after how you were last time i saw you and having no support from you the last few months thought having you there would stress me etc

I said to him, the only 3 things i want from him, is to a) never flare up at me again aggressively (he said im sorry will never happen again he hasnt got that anger in him the last 2 days & things that would piss him off arent anymore)
b)Please do not contact my family (once he showed up at flat unanounced i wasnt in, nasty texts later syaing he werent leaving till he saw me, he even phone my mom etc.) He said he saw that was the only way i would talk to him. But is said you put my fam n friends under so much stress didnt know what you were capable of etc& Its mine and his life and decisions looking ahead everyone elses opinions and thoughts are not required, its us for the next 18 years!
c)be understanding. I said obviously i know now you have booked 2 weeks off from work. & I will try and accomadate you to see the baby alot but because you have only told me about these 2 weeks last night, it would have been better a month ago and we could have properly made the most of them. So in terms of understanding with those 2 weeks I said if you cant see baby as much as you like you cant get mad. I just said i will be breastfeeding etc and if i am geniunly tired you cant just show up on my door banging etc. He said he wouldnt. &Also future access we both said we will talk about it when baby actually here etc. All i said was I appreciate your working hours so will be more lineant to accomodate a time best around those, but again if ever that day needed to be changed or baby asleep or feeding etc dont flare up at me etc he said he wouldnt.

I just got across I want to be amicable, stress free and wil never be a bitch and stand in way.
So if i ever turned down him a visit i dont want him slagging me off saying i never let him see baby i want him to understand o its because baby had a n unsettled night or whatever the geniune reason is.

I said i was so glad he is being amicable and that switch has flicked. I said because of how long its took you, yes you have missed out on things, scans movements, buying things together ,preparing things and prob will be alot of things you miss out on looking ahead, but i did follow that on with its just a shame you didnt approach me like this a month ago as there would was enough time to make other arrangements etc and consider what you wanted more unlike last minute.

He said he wishes that too.

He did feel bump again alot and said anytime i need anything whatever time he will be there he said he cares for me and baby and wants to be there for us both.(This was so lovely to hear, but i kept my guard up in my mind as we all know how his behavious has fluctuated etc it will take alot of time for me to rely on him and in a weird way dont want to much emotional support etc as really I will be being a mommy 90% of the time by myself im gonna stay independent)

We both wish he had got to this stage earlier but atleast he is there now, I iwll always keep my guard up as it was only a month ago he was threatening me allsorts so who knows if his new behaviour is trustworthy, time will tell.....

seeing him last night & night before made me realise defo all my feelings have gone for him, Deep down i could never forgive him for how hes treated me but was still alittle awww to think just months ago we were engaged liveing together in a house mortgage applied and decorating a nursery!

I feel like a weight off shoulders, may actually enjoy the last few days of pregnancy now xxxxxxxxx

i was stern & said about birth however quick i notify him will be for the best intrest of me n baby, But has made me think i might allow him to visit in hosp (atleast he will be stuck to visting hours then i can rest a few days at my moms without worrying to get home so he can see them there). Until last night i was just gonna let him visit a few days after but if i get the first visit done at hosp that might bide me some time to chill at moms, rather than being at moms panicking from day 1 to get back to flat for first visit ??. Will just do whats best and not pressure myself spose theres no right or wrong just opinions of others etc.
xxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[LucyAnn]

ps he doesnt know im staying at moms after birth didnt tell him incase he does turn mental again for whatever reason and show up angry and stuff cannot have my mom n dad go under anymore stress!! I just plan on nipping back my flat and meeting him there for visits for first week or so then will be back at properly after i feel readyxxxx

 

[Geminiblue]

blimey woman youre a legend.... you are so strong, honestly its brought a tear to my eye, I wish others put themselves and their babies first....my child comes first (and so will this baby when born), then me and my OH

you are going to be a fantastic mum you seem a lovely balanced person with her head screwed on. Well done you...amazing xxx

 

[LucyAnn]

aawww Gemini, you make me wanna shed a tear again xxxx Thankyou

 

[Geminiblue]

xxxx

 

[lesleyann23]

I'm sorry but I have to say you have to remember its his baby too I understand you being cautious but you could at least let him be at hospital when Lo is born he doesn't have to be in the room and of all the places he is less likely to start is then. You will be taking a special moment away from him how would you feel? Just think about it x

 

[DW1978]

Well done you. It sounds like your meeting really couldn't have gone any better or been any more productive. Your ex does sound like he's really trying hard to make amends for his previous behaviour. I really hope that he keeps it up and is a great father and support to you after the birth xxx

 

[niknaks]

good on you girl. just stick to your guns. its so sad these days how men can just make babies and walk in and out of thier lives whenever they want. hopefully he has really changed his ways and will really make an effort for you and baby x

 

[littlemiss83]

Glad it went well, your being so strong!!

 

[Geminiblue]

Im very much for mens rights having had lots of men mates over the years who have been subjected to tight restrictions by the mothers of their children and those fathers deserve all access rights, the ones that dont and lose their rights are the ones that become aggressive and threaten physical violence which is what LucyAnn has been subjected to he lost his right the day he lost his temper, walked out and left her to deal with all the problems on her own, not stepping up... and I feel very strongly that this applies to both parents men and women. I can understand that Lucy is hesitant BUT she is making the effort for him to have access and bending over backwards to have the father of her child in their life. You cannot play with the safety of a child this applies to both parents. Now that he seems to be making an effort I think that she is doing the right thing and protecting the safety of her and her child. She hasnt said he cant be at the hospital she just didnt want him as her birth partner and when you are emotionally vulnerable in labor and its an intimate experience for me Id need someone Id trusted not someone who had abused me during pregnancy

 

[DaisyPurple]

Well said x

 

[lesleyann23]

Just think about what the child needs, as a mother no one ever makes you prove yourself no matter what you have done he wants to do the right thing so why should he not be given the same rights. this child is just as much his as hers and too many women play god with there childrens life. This is not a personal attack at anyone as I can understand you being cautious I just want you to give him the chance to prove to his child if he messes up his child will blame him if you interfere it will be your fault.

 

[cosmicgirl]

Agree with Gemini
Well done hun, you are so strong and handling things wonderfully xx

 

[DaisyPurple]

I think that's what she had said she is willing to do hun but ultimately the labour and birth are the bits only she can do, and the less stress the better, its her choice who she choses as her birth partner I don't think she has said she isn't going to let him be a part of the child life or am I missing something? X

 

[lesleyann23]

I don't think he should be there at birth. I'm confused now too lol

 

[star fish]

I think you have a brilliant handle on things - not too forgiving, not being an idiot and assuming he's changed for ever, yet at the same time you are being really mature and saying yes, you can be involved.

I really admire how you are dealing with him.

I would only say that someone who has been violent before will be again. Don't let your guard down too much hun.

But huge respect for acknowledging his rights xxxx

 

[LucyAnn]

wow im really confused walking back into this thread!! but thankyou for the nice responses girlies.

In regards to looking ahead i am doing what is best for me and baba. When you have been threatened, seen someones aggression who you thought was a nice 'soft' person of love of course you are gonna be on your guard and cautious. Its one thing giving a second chance to that type of person when its just a relationship but when a child is involved you have to be extra cautious. For months on and off i have lived with the fear that every car pulling up outside was him, i ve had the stress of having to look into single person benefits, buy everything, question how long i can actually afford MAT leave being by myself, I know I have to put my place up for sale for something bigger, again stress! etc everyday wonder does he care about baby etc so much that pops in your head, will my baby think this or that when they are older, will the babys dad ever be there etc and looking ahead i have been stressed non stop that he wasnt going to be on the scene at all even his mom didnt know if he would be so i do not believe that you can click you fingers after they show willingness and just give them everything back instantly they need to prove it too

Jon actualy has no legal rights to the baby before birth, to see me before birth or be at the birth so i do believe that i am trying to bend over backwards but still cautious so if he suddenly changes behaviour which he has been doing over the months i can be prepared his behaviour is so sparadicxxxxxx

I will be posting another thread shortly about the birth and would like help off you girlies about the first visit etc so will prob have a conflict of intrest there! everyone is entitled to their own opinion etc but again the only peoples decisions and views that will make a difference in reality are mine and jons from this day and 18 years down the line I have just had such a stressful preg i just want to enjoy the last couple of days and again thanks to the girlies for all your honest opinions xxxxx

 

[DaisyPurple]

We are all here For you hun, I may have got my wires crossed a little no offence meant to anyone xxx