Advice on a very sensitive issue please

[toni64539]

Well, our best friends have been trying to get pregnant for seven years, she's had quite a few musscarriages and two failed IVF attempts. It's been absolutely heartbreaking watching her go through it. So as you can imagine, I was dreading telling her we were having a baby. But she's always said she hated people tip toe-ing around her and treating her differently, she just would prefer people just came out with it and she's always been very happy for anyone and generally deals with other pregnant people very well. Unfortunately this has not been the case with me. We were very careful how we told her, to make sure she didn't feel like we were 'making any issue' but also not rubbing her face in it. Her immediate reaction was CONGRATULATIONS, I'm so happy for you. But then she left the room for half an hour, didn't want to talk, then started cleaning her oven (at 9 o clock at night, like you do) So we just thought, well we can't begin to imagine how she must be feeling, let's just let her be however she wants to be etc, and let her know if ever she wants to talk about it she can and if not it doesn't matter. Anyway, it came to light as the night went on that the only reason she was apparently so upset was that we hadn't told her we were trying, which I can understand as maybe it would have softened the blow if she knew it was coming sometime. But I just nicely said, well we wanted to keep it between us, it was nice for us to have a little secret and things didn't go very smoothly for us either when we started trying so the last thing we wanted anyone saying was 'are you pregnant yet?' etc and given her situation I thought she would really understand that. She said she did but I can only assume that she doesn't. Since this she has declined all invitations out involving us two, and finally said she couldn't handle being around us at the minute. I was upset but understanding as what other option do I have?? I just said yes I understand, when you feel ready, I'm here. I'll back off for now, an just leave the ball in your court. I've since found out that she's had another go at IVF and all seems to be going really well this time, just a waiting game. But I've heard non of this from her, and I'm quite shocked she hasn't wanted to tell me all about it. I'm wondering if she's ever going to speak to me again, and if not, what have we done so wrong? Got pregnant? We are best best friends and I feel so upset that she's completely shut me out and apparently not another pregnant friend??? But all the while I'm very concious of being sensitive to her. Am I being silly being upset by this. I keep wanting to ring her but she obviously doesn't want to speak to me so should I not as I don't want to upset her further??? Sorry for the incredibly long post, I'm just completely stuck, as I want to be there for her with this IVF but not if she can't stand the sight of me. Thanks for reading, and any advice would be much appreciated x x x x x

 

[KBrady]

Thats such an awful and sad situation; I don't think I can offer much advice as I've never been in that position, but it does sound like your friend needs to think about you in all this. Yes she's had a tough time, but she should be happy for you and let you know how she's feeling, but then move on and just be happy for her best friend!

I don't think you're being silly at all, I'd be upset too. Maybe you should try writing her a letter, not too long but just let her know how you're feeling and that you want to be there for her, as well as her be there for you! Writing it down can be a good way to get it straight in your head, as well as giving her the opportunity to sit down and really take it all in without the possibility of it escalating into anything else.

Good luck, hope it all works out. By the way - I'm due the day after you!!!
xxx

 

[Lou_1]

Thats really sad i think u should give her the space she needs as u said the ball is in her court u cant force her to be ok with u and ur pregnancy but at the same time its so not fair on u having to miss out on ur best friend being there for u and enjoying ur pregnancy 2gether.

Id give her a litttle time try again a letter a good suggestion or id prob say face to face is even better but after tht id say nothing much u can do u cant spoil ur own pregnancy. Its such an exciting time. Good luck x

 

[toni64539]

Thank you kbrady & Lou. I will give her a bit more time I think then maybe contact her. I hope that she's in touch with me before that happens. Here's hoping. Thanks again x

 

[LuciaLeek]

Oh Toni - what an awful situation to be in. As the others have said, give her some more time and make sure that the ball is definitely in her court. A letter does sound great as she will realise how much you've thought about the right words to use. It's not fair that you must feel like this when you should be enjoying your pregnancy. In your letter maybe reiterate that getting pregnant wasn't easy for you either and that you can kind of understand how she feels when those around you seemingly fall pregnant so easily. I'm so sorry that you are in this situation and only hope things can be put right between you.

Good luck xx

 

[LuciaLeek]

P.S. I'm due 2 days after you Toni

 

[Vicxzy]

Oh how awful I would give her more time, when she's ready shell come to you. Perhaps write her a letter just to let her know how ur pregnancy is going, I bet shell be curious but not dare to contact u after how she's been, maybe say at the start of the letter that you are writing as u want to keep her in the loop abt babys progress even if u haven't seen each other for a while so only read on if she wants to know & if she doesn't feel ready at the minute to keep the letter fir when she does feel ready. Good luck Hun x

 

[midnight]

just wanted to give you a

give her time she will come round and if not she isnt a true friend that will be there for you no matter what xxx

 

[nmf1987]

i had a similar situation. a girl i use to work with has had no joy falling for 4 years. whenever i said we were trying she would make little remarks how it isn't easy blah blah blah.

well it took me a year so kinda know how she feels.

when it came to announcing my pregnancy though to be honest i just carried on as normal. like you say it would upset them if you tip toe around them.

i don't want to sound heartless but when i was trying and didn't think it was ever going to happen and with other things i realise i have always worried about other people and put my owns feelings/concerns aside. well after to speaking to a few people i got told to think of number one. so know i think about me before most. (still struggling).

you have been so sweet and considerate in how you have been with her but i think you need to think of you baby and oh as thats what really matters. like midnight said if she doesnt want to know then she isnt a true friend. your not being selfish hun she is in away. she is your friend and should be happy and there for you no matter what.

sorry just my way of thinking about it. i wouldnt say run after her too much cos if she doesnt want to know it will be you getting hurt and upset. whether this helps or not i dont know. hope it does all get sorted though. xxxx

 

[toni64539]

Aw thanks girls, it's nice to have some ladies close to each others dates too. We can be belly buddies! I think your all right. She knows where I am, so I'll leave her to it. I havnt done anything wrong. Maybe she should think a little bit more about us, but hard to criticise when she's in the position she is. I'll just wait it out. Were both on a hen do together at the end of this month so she'll have to see me then anyway. Thanks for listening (reading) and for your help x x

 

[Rósa]

Maybe she feels she can't ring you? she is too embarrassed? I would try ringing her, just to say something along the lines that I heard you had another go at IVF and you wish her the best of luck, just a thought, the longer it goes on the harder she will find it to talk to you, maybe you have to make the first move xx