What the hell is wrong with me

[elliej]

my god, you dont know how much i need to talk to someone, anyone about this. i am so miserable, i dont know what is wrong with me.
I live in France, my husband and i came here nearly two years ago with 2 horses and a dog, since gained a cat, to start a new life and renovate our old farmhouse.
2 years further on we are still living in what can only be described as a hovel. we may have running water, a roof and electricity now but the place is freezing, not one room is anywhere near finished and i am 13 weeks pregnant with our first baby.
We have very little money. We have a car and a van both in bad repair and possibly could pack up at any moment. i have to get up at 3.15 in the morning to feed and muck out my beloved horses and do everything else nessersary to get to work, a 45min drive away, down really shit roads without falling asleep. i am so knackered i can barely keep my eyes open half the time but i cant give up work as my husband has just finally been given a permenant contract and i cant jepodise that by skiving or not working and claiming, that is even if i could. the pregnancy, at least is going well i suppose. i have had no sickness just mild nausea occasionally, a few migraines, probably stress and a couple of terrible colds. i have seen the baby once at 9 weeeks, a little cashew or petite pois i am due for my second scan tomorrow.
as my husband has got his contract we have decided to give up on renovating, take up a mortgage again and buy a new house that has much less to do. we have found a really nice place, but it has no room for my horses, so i am charged with the task of trying to find somewhere for them to graze and stable.
it was my 26th birthday last sunday and i could barley drag my sorry ass out of bed into the freezing cold. i cant remember the last time i smiled for no particular reason, i cant even bring myself to look forward to this scan tomorrow or the prospect of finally living in a house with central heating. i get angry at everything, cry at everything, get accussed of having an attitude and told to pull myself together. i even got jelous today because a girl at work is 6 weeks further on than me and you can tell she is pregnant, you cant with me, im just naturally podgy on the tum.
i have got to the point where i cant even get it into my head that there is a baby inside me, something i have looked forward to for my whole life. i have no feelings towards it most of the time. i want to be excited when people buy me baby things but it just doesnt interest me. i want to look forward to things, i want to be happy, but i am so miserable i dont have a clue how i am going to cope. i have no one to talk to that helps. i dread getting up in the morning, i hate my job wth a vengence. i just wish something would lift this blackness and stop me feeling that when i do fall asleep at the wheel, which happens a lot for a fleating second, that maybe oneday it would be for longer and i wouldnt have to wake up at all.

 

[Tadpole]

You have a lot of changes happening right now and your hormones aill be going haywire so firstly - try not to worry about worrying, if you know what I mean.

Secondly, it sounds like you have a lot to do and when you look at things like this it can seem too much to cope with. I would try breaking each task down into smaller chucks and dealing with one thing at a time. I would also advise you to speak to your midwife about how you have been feeling as it isn't uncommon for women to get depressed whilst pregnant - and this just makes everything 10 times harder to deal with. She will be able to advise you and help you through this tough time.

It may also be difficult if you don't have your family & friends around you as they are our support system when we are going through these things.

It can be done and I'm sure you will feel better when you are in your new (warm) home. In the meantime come here and we will help as best as we can.

If it helps at all to know this - well I was a b*tch from hell for the first tri either crying or stamping about. I think it probably happens to more people than you think.

Take care.

 

[KateQPR]

You poor thing! I can only begin to imagine what the drain the whole renovation project is for you. Me and my partner did that for a year (but in the UK and what was exciting at first becomming a thoroughly depressing, exhausting slog with no end in sight! It sounds like 2 years of this would be enough to make anyone feel at a loss and depressed.

To be honest, you probably just need what you've said yourself - someone to talk to and get all of this out of your head and system, i imagine being in France away from friends and family must be a bit isolating in itself. Does you OH know how you feel? Could you chat to your GP or family, or find a counsellor perhaps?

I;m sure once you're showing you bump more, it will feel more real. I suspect no one really believes they're having a baby totally until it pops out!

Kx

 

[Laura_James&Amber]

You sound really depressed and i'm not suprised with all that you've got going on. Don't take any notice of people telling you your selfish or to get a grip, being pregnant is hard enough in the first month and with all that you've had going on, it must have been even harder for you to cope with, people can be so insensitive sometimes. We all deserve a good cry now and again, especially if hormones are sky high.
I'm sure everything will calm down eventually but if you really are struggling to cope at the moment go and see your doctor and see if he can give you something that will help you cope better. Ive heard st john's wart is good for stressful times but i don't know if you can take it whilst pregnant, its a herbal medicine so maybe talk to your doctor about it.
Hope you feel better soon and if you ever need a good moan or someone to talk to feel free to PM me. Take care.

 

[Tick-Tock]

Poor you...

Me and my OH have been completely gutting and rebuilding our house for the last 2 years so I can totally understand how you feel as far as that is going... At least we have always had heating and running water (although not always a toilet!!), I don't know what i would have done if I was having to have the baby in the middle of all the carnage!!

At least your husband has realised the situation you are in and you should be in a lovely warm home by the time the little one is here... maybe when you look around your current home you can just think "its only for now, we'll be out of here soon" and that may help you forget about that one thing..

As for all the other hassles... It sounds like on top of the pregnancy hormones you have a serious case of sleep deprivation? is the new house closer to work so you can get up a bit later before going to the horses??? Or is there someone else at the stables that you could "muck out share" with, so you both only have to do it every other day??? I know it may be twice the work but it's amazing what one good nights sleep in every two does...

I find I am really ratty and emotional by the end of the day and a nap when I get in from work does wonders... maybe you could try that...

None of these suggestions probably help and just ignore me if you like. but i just want to say I hope you feel better soon and this is a great place to rant and get everything off your chest.... maybe just doing that will help...


J
XX

 

[elliej]

i must admit having said all that, reading it back and your replies, having a little cry and having a shower i do feel a tiny bit better. unfortuantly at the moment the horses are at home with me so there is no one to halp with them, and to be honest i wouldnt really want it, they are actaully the only things that keep me going at the moment as i can always rely on them for a shoulder to cry on and a soft whisper in my ear. my main problem i think is work. we were so lucky to find work out here, neither of us being fluent in the language, but packing bottles into boxes for 7.5hrs is so mind numbingly dull compared to my last job in the uk, the science technician at my local high school, a job i adored. sadly we dont have a lot of choice. we love france as a place to live but its a struggle.
as for talking to doctors and midwifes, one i havent got time, two i havent seen a midwife yet and three, things are differnt here comparedto my knowledge of the uk so it makes things ten times harder. my oh is very supportive in a lot of ways but not so sypathetic when it comes to feeling rough, hes a great husband and will make a fab dad but like many men, can never seem to work out when i just need a hug.
thanks for your comments guys, i really need this.

 

[Sandi4Paul]

i don't think there is anythng wrong with you.

Sandi

 

[Tadpole]

Hiya,

My sister-in-law in french - although they live in th UK at the mo. I can ask her what facilities are available if you like? Whereabouts are you based?

 

[elliej]

we are in the Auvergne, the puy de dome. i am going to the poly clinic in Clermont Ferrand which is the maternity hospital there and i am doing all i am told, its just a bit daunting, especially as its my first as well so i am completly blind really. i see an obstetrician next week for a consultation, can anyone explain what an obstetrician usually does??

 

[Mildly]

Aww

Sometimes it helps just to be able to tell someone things that have been making you upset. My partner and I almost did the french renovation thing a couple of years ago but decided we'd got there too late to pick up a really good bargain. We also got cold feet about the language barrier. I speak reasonable conversational french but in the real world living out there would have demanded so much more from my skills. Having said that you sound like you are both doing well for yourselves, getting jobs and living the life is a major achievement so well done I've found being pregnant here in the UK much more difficult than I thought it would be what with the early tiredness and even walking the dog is sometimes too much for me. I think your exhaustion is completely natural especially with your extra responsibilities. Also some days I find it hard to remember I'm pregnant let alone relate to the baby so don't feel bad about that either.

I hope you move into a nice warm house soon

Edit - i think an Obstretician is just their equivalent of a midwife but is doctor qualified instead. Hope your appointment goes well.

 

[CorrieFan]

Hi Ellie,

Just wanted you to know you have friends out here in cyberworld. You say you have had an easy pregnancy so far, and it sounds like you have physically, but it is tough on us emotionally too. Pretty much the biggest emotional thing a woman can go through! So don't be too hard on yourself and don't feel as though you are weird for not being desperately elated about your pregnancy all the time.

My mum was amazed at me not jumping up and down and being desperate to tell people when I got pregnant. We had been trying for two years and then it happend and I sort of went into shock. I had no interest in telling anyone apart from my Mum until 13 weeks. I am 16 weeks now and feeling much better as it feels more real to me now.

I think you'll feel better once you have had your hospital appt tomorrow. It will probably involve some form filling, giving your health history etc, maybe giving blood / urine samples. But at least you will have someone to talk to for half an hour or so. I agree you should tell them you have been feeling depressed and ask what they think.

Best of luck, let us know how it goes!

 

[Quill]

Just wanted to say that I read your post and sympathize

I work from home and can take it easy, and I still get tired very easily. It helps to remember our bodies are working very hard during pregnancy. It won't be forever.

One thing that helps me is to look forward to what my baby might be like - blue eyes, green eyes? Blonde or brown-haired? Boy or girl? I found it easier to do that around 17 weeks when I felt the first kick.

I know how it is with men, sometimes you just have to tell them/beat them over the head when you need a cuddle. It's awkward to be like "I need a cuddle" but if your OH is anything like mine he'll drop what he's doing and oblige.

Hang in there... maybe schedule some extra sleep or a nap if you can manage it. Extra sleep can really help.

 

[elliej]

i miust admit, today i feel a lot better.
we had the scan and it was wonderful, its 7.7cms long and thinks my womb is a trampline! doc said all looked good, so that has made that a bit easier and stops me worrying so much.
After we had an appointment to see about a mortgage, all is ok with that too and means in theroy we should be able to get this new house.
now i just need to sort out my four legged babies and things will be ok.
im still tired and exhausted and feel down but after talking about it i feel more postitve especially now i know im not alone. thanks guys. im glad i found the site.
im off now to request a good old cuddle from my OH.

 

[aramintalovegrove]

Glad its getting better for you Ellie, sometimes its so hard as you are supposed to be so happy to be pregnant and its just not aways the case for what ever reason. My pregnancy is a very very big shock and its only today that I have been able to talk about it without bawling my eyes out, its so hard when people expect you to be joyful and you just cant. I remember with my first, I had mentally prepared myself for the physical change but didnt really understand about the emotional side and at the time it seemed that whenever I tried to talk to someone about it (ie other mums) it was like some secret you didnt mention!

I hope it gets better and you feel a bit more relaxed and less tired to talk, anddd remember it really is good to talk, you have had some great replys to your post from people who are going through similar hope that helps!