What on Earth is Wrong with me? :(

[kittykitchn]

I know I'll regret this in the morning, but I have to get it off my chest. I hope this doesn't offend anyone, and I'm well aware of my journey to get here which makes me even more frightened of the way I'm feeling.

My anxiety is sky high. Not about the baby, but for myself. I suffer from depression and it feels like it's getting worse daily.

It feels like a dark cloud is over me. I don't want to go out, go to work, do Anything, I don't want to get up in the morning. I really assumed as soon as I got pregnant the happiness switch would be turned on - why do I feel worse?

I'm not happy in the slightest. If anything, I feel regretful that it's happened. How can this be? I feel like every day that passes is a day into something I can't get out of.
What if this doesn't change? What if I can't be happy? Can't love my baby or bond with it? I currently don't feel any attachment, just negative thoughts. Even at the early scan last week, I wasn't relieved that everything was fine - and I'm SO sorry for saying that.

I tried to talk to my husband about how Im feeling and I should feel better for it - I don't expect him to understand or be able to give help, it's not his body or his mind afterall. He said it'll all change soon once I get a bump ect - but this is exactly what he expected me to feel like. For me, I of course thought the exact opposite.

How do I know I've done the right thing? Perhaps I *thought* I wanted a baby more than anything, but was wrong.

The thought of writing in my pregnancy journal or carrying on with my baby blanket makes me feel sick. What the hell is wrong with me?

Someone please tell me this is just hormones playing silly games and these feelings will stop. I'm so scared of how I'm feeling. Absolutely not in control of my mind or body.

 

[MrsS143]

Its hormones

I think even if you don't suffer anxiety or depression - everyone goes through that omg what have i done...why did i do this... Im not cut out for any of this... Have i just made a big mistake
But in time you get your head round it and get excited
Once you start showing, feel movement, start buying stuff, decorating the nursery, picking names, imagining your exciting new future... It all starts to feel real and exciting
What youre worrying over is normal
But you are without meds and are worrying like crazy
The stressing will raise your cortisol levels etc which wont help
Def go see your gp love x

 

[heatheror12]

I agree with MrsS. Iv never had depression and my 1st son was planned. But soon as I got a positive test. I cried and thought oh shit lol. It's a scary thought that you can't change it. That it's a huge thing. You will bond with your baby over the next 9 months. And as soon as they are born it's just amazing instant love. I didn't get to attached to either or my boys when pregnant and refused to call them by there name ubrill they was here and healthy. I was so scared. But that's every woman's worry. You will be fine. But don't thibk that you are the only person that feels that way. Enjoy pregnancy it's an amazing thing �� xx

 

[Sam15]

Hi Kitty

I've not posted on here for more than 6 months but wanted to offer some support, as I've been exactly where you are now and in fact posted something very similar before I was 4 weeks pregnant.

I became very ill very quickly with depression over the course of a week. What I didn't realise at the time was that I was not in a good place mentally whilst I was TTC; it was all-consuming and I was obsessed with it happening. I was great at TTC - I knew what I was doing - but just wasn't prepared mentally for actually getting pregnant! All of a sudden I was in uncharted waters and felt lost! I think whether I'd ended up needing investigations because of problems conceiving, or getting my BFP as I did, I'd have ended up in the same dark place. TTC was so intense and really took its toll on my mental state.

I felt overwhelmed the day after I got my BFP and like you, regretted that I'd even gone down the TTC route. I couldn't understand how I could feel like that when I'd desperately longed for a baby. Awful to say, but I didn't want the baby at that stage and I ended up saying that to both my OH and GP. It was an awful time, and I completely understand what you're going through.

Fortunately I realised that I had a recurrence of depression and got help quickly. Having been off anti-depressants for 15 months before my BFP - and adamant that I didn't want to be on them whilst trying for a baby/pregnant, I reluctantly went back on Citalopram. I researched and didn't feel comfortable taking any meds but it was the best decision I made, and it kicked in really quickly. Within a couple of weeks I felt completely different, and have been well since. The initial side-effects were hard, with the pregnancy hormones thrown in, but I got through it and it was worth it.

I suspect that like with me, this isn't just a case of getting your head around being pregnant and the excitement growing as you get further along. I may be wrong though.

I genuinely think that level of stress on baby is very detrimental and for me, meds were my only option at the time. Yes, it's not ideal but my specialist has treated many women on anti-depressants, and none of the babies have had any apparent side-effects. This is backed up by what I've been told by specialist midwives at my local hospital.

I am now just a few weeks away from giving birth and can't wait to meet my baby

You can and will feel better, but I really think you need to seek specialist help. Mental health in pregnancy is taken really seriously, and if you speak to your GP they should be able to direct you to someone who can help.

Hope you feel better soon - hang in there.

 

[twinkle90]

You need to go and seek professional help. Everyone needs help in one way or another.
For me personally I didn't have that 'oh shit, what have I done' feeling. I felt very grateful that this is happening for me.
Dwelling on these feelings on your own will only get worse.

 

[Eryinera]

Ok. Well I've been suffering from depression on and off since the age of 7ish. It's tough. It's easy to say it's hormones and that may be what you need to hear right now. And to an extent it is hormones a lack of the right ones at the right time. But having depression makes us more prone to other forms of depression. I feel at the moment what you may be going through is a rather unspoken form on depression called prenatal. Most have heard of postnatal but prenatal is it's ugly sibling.

I agree with Sam. It sounds like more than just getting your head round it and you probably should seek help from your gp. There is quite a lot they can do for you. Although as with most mental illnesses there can be a wait time for the best help so I would say that it's important you get help as soon as you can.

If you need to talk we are all here for you and willing to support you. It can be hard when those closest to us dont understand. You need to be strong for yourself not for the baby or your oh. That will come later. Little steps at a time. The first one is the hardest and you have already done that. You've come on here and told us your story.you've admitted to yourself that somethings not quite right. The next step is not as hard you need to tell your gp or midwife. Then they can help take some of the pressure off you. They know more about your personal journey and battle with this debilitating disease and can offer you help that you can only get from them.

I hope I've not scared you or anything it's late and it's hard to tell how words come accross in text format but I am concerned for you and want the best for you. Good luck kitty and keep us posted.

 

[littlemonkey]

Depression and anxiety is such a personal thing and only you can really try to judge how you're feeling right now.

It is normal and common to have an 'oh s***' moment once you find out you're pregnant. We took nine months to conceive with our eldest and when I found out I was in the bathroom on my own thinking 'oh f**k!' and wondering what the bloody hell I'd done. When TTC it's easy to look at all the good points of having children, then once you get pregnant the reality of just how much life is going to change sets in and it all gets very serious, very quickly. But for all these feelings are normal and common, they do usually pass (or at least come and go). So if you find they're not lifting, that is the time to seek help.

I don't remember how I felt about my first pregnancy so much in the early days, but I remember specifically with my second baby I had a bad spell around tri one when I did wonder if I'd made a big mistake. I had PND after my first baby way born and I was only really coming to the end of it when I got pregnant again looking back now. Knowing I'd had pnd made me super sensitive and worried about the slightest little spell I had of feeling low, but thankfully morst passed on their own. For me, I still know the signs or triggers if you know what I mean for when I'm getting bad and needs to ask for help. Interestingly I notice you mentioned you don't want to go out and personally this is one of my big alarm bells.

Don't be afraid of how you're feeling and don't be afraid of getting help if you feel you need it. I was always terrified of having my baby taken offmme if I had to ask for help, when in reality it is nothing like this! Doctors and midwives have seen all this before and really are willing and able to help.

 

[tootie]

This is why I love this forum. The support is incredible! There are so many truly kind and lovely ladies on here.

I have no experience with this kitty, but wanted to offer my thoughts and support. You will get through this xxx

 

[babyslog]

I really do think you need to go and see someone kitty. It's not just about you now,you need to be healthy for your baby.

I don't think this is hormone related, personally, having followed your journal and the ways you have felt from day1, I do think going back to your dr and seeking help is the way forward.
Its sad that your husband isn't being supportive, you've mentioned before he never really did through when you were ttc and hoped it would change when you got your bfp.

I cant say I have ever felt any signs of regret when i fell pregnant, on my LB or this pregnancy.
Yes mothers have waves of feelings like ' will I be a good mum, will I make the right choices as they grow', this never leaves you, even now with my LB starting nursery I always wonder have I been a good enough mum, helped him with learning as much as poss etc etc.
But on all of my early scans with both pregnancies that ive had from ectopic scares or bleeding etc ive always felt a huge relief knowing they are ok.
So thats why I don't particularly think this is anything hormone related..

I hope you get some help and I really do hope your husband starts showing more signs for being there for you.

 

[*glow*]

hi kitty I agree with Gail hormones are truly awful but its worth going to see the GP they will be able to distinguish whether it's a temporary or more permanent low.

I had HG and the sickness drove me to the edge. I was so internally distressed that even though I had a wonderful supportive partner my thoughts were dark and horrible which made me even more self loathing.

I did see the dr who was really very good and attributed it to being so unwell but having had depression in my life (including PND) I was terrified it was back.

I now have a friend who I call to talk things through when I have a low day (they still come, pesky hormones). The difference being its good to talk and I am now much happier and finally bonded with my baby in tri 2.

get help early lovely and you are not crazy or alone as you can see from the responses here. its an exciting and scary time and emotions will swing between one and the other.

lots of love x

 

[Siskin]

I agree with everything the others said. I think there are probably several things going on here: firstly, finding out you're pregnant (even if you really wanted it) is terrifying, and while the abstract idea of having a baby is all about excitement and positivity, the reality involves fear - well, certainly for me it does. Fear that something might go wrong, fear that I'll do something wrong and harm the baby (so far I've obsessed about my terrible diet and convinced myself I've contracted toxoplasmosis), fear that I won't be able to cope when the baby arrives, fear that it'll change my relationship with my husband, etc. With a first baby especialy one is in such uncharted territory that I think it all becomes quite overwhelming.

Secondly, I think hormones do play a part. Certainly I have spent the last two weeks sitting on the sofa, crying at everything, feeling really dejected with no drive or enthusiasm. This is totally uncharacteristic for me and I can only blame it on hormones. Over the last few days the feeling has started to clear and it's like I'm a new person.

Thirdly, if you have a history of depression it's very possible that a major life event like becoming pregnant could trigger an episode as others have said. I too have a history of depression (and anxiety as well) and find the problem is it's very difficult to be objective about my mental state. In fact I am very good at rationalising my feelings to myself and, for example, arguing that I feel a certain way because I'm a bad person and not because I'm actually becoming depressed. The problem is that all our feelings/emotions feel so real and it is so hard to identify which feelings are happening as a result of an illness (ie depression).

I agree with the others who say see your GP - they will have seen this before and even if they didn't feel you need medication now, it's important that they know how you're feeling in case things change and you need extra support. Look after yourself.

 

[kittykitchn]

The support is very much appreciated. I was nervous about posting - I know it must come across as I'm being utterly selfish.

I do believe it's more than hormones. I called my surgery this morning and my GP is on holiday until 27th October. I'd really rather not see anyone else - am I going to be able to cope for two weeks? I'm not sure really.

 

[Sam15]

I completely get where you're coming from and I would feel the same, but in this instance you need to see someone asap, whichever GP that is. 2 weeks is a long time to wait when you're feeling as low and anxious as you are. You can't afford to get any worse.

 

[babyslog]

If you really dont think you can cope it might just be worth seeing another gp. Male/female which ever u feel more comfortable with.
They are all trained to help guide the right decisions thats best for you.

I'd personally want to try and get the help sooner rather than later with the way your feeling. But it'll be your decision. Only you will know whats best

 

[kittykitchn]

I think I've seen every GP in that place over the years, they're all bloody useless except the one I stuck with. I'm not sure.

 

[babyslog]

Obviously its up to u kitty.

But having said you currently have no happiness for this pregnancy, feeling regretful & that everyday that passes you feel you cant get out of it..
I'd see any doctor available! X

 

[andreatav]

Have you thought about calling samaritans? Or 111 and ask for advice?Or community midwife?xx

 

[andreatav]

http://www.pandasfoundation.org.uk/...es/pre-antenatal-depression.html#.ViDfsRlwbqA

 

[Birdo]

Haven't really got any advice , just wanted to show my support . I have anxiety . Panic episodes , depression on occasion . Mine has ramped up during pregnancy
You are not being selfish
Sending love xx

 

[twinkle90]

You really should see whoever is available. And I don't think all the other available gps are useless. Go and seek help asap. It's important to keep yourself and especially baby healthy. When it comes to mental health and pregnancy you can't be bloody fussy