Visitors!

[pink lady]

When is the right time to visit? i have been advised to not stress over this too much, but i'm finding it difficult i must admit! My husband is from London and we are living in Belfast at the moment so his mum wants to come and visit asap, i.e day after birth! Now, this is ideal for me as i will be in hospital for 3 days and she won't come for longer than that.

Don't get me wrong, i love her to bits, but i'm a first time mum and worry i won't have had time to bond properly with the baby before i have to look after other people! I want to be confident in holding, changing, soothing my baby etc befor ei have people watching me do it, does anyone else see where i am coming from? it is hard for my hubby to understand as his family want to be there for him too as all mine are already here.

Then, from 31/10 - 4/11 his Aunty and Grandad would like to visit us. Might i just tell you at this point we don't have a spare bedroom, let alone bed for visitors. They would have to sleep on sofa's, and with me getting up to feed at all hours, i just want to be comfortable in my own home. I'm probably going to be exhausted as baby will be hopefully around 3-4 weeks then. hubby can't take any time off work as it is a new job he is in, and visiting family won't have own transport, so i can't really even suggest a B&B for the 5 days.

I feel myself worrying about it, no flights are booked yet, it is a tough one and i can't quite make hubby see hwere i am coming from, byt he time he does, flights will be booked an dit will be too late. WHAT SHOULD i DOOOOO!!!!!!!


Any advice woud be greatly received


Thank you!

 

[Urchin]

Oh no!
I can totally see where you're coming from.

I would explain to your hubby that you want time for just you and the baby for a week or 2.

The decision should be yours, tell hubby you want to be able to give more attention to his family and you won't be able to do that until you have the baby settled into a routine, his family being there will disrupt any attempted at routine you might want to build!
Remind him if his family are visiting there will be less time for him to bond with the baby too... and explain that he will be the one doing all the housework if his relatives are sleeping on the couch!

I would also explain to him it is causing you stress worrying about it at the moment, and remind him he doesn't have to understand to be sympathetic, but you need him to be with you on this before the flights are booked!

BTW I think it's a bit cheeky for his family to expect to come and sleep on the couch when surely it's obvious you will have enough on your plate!!!

 

[alsha]

Well i think you are right in what you are thinking, some friends of ours were telling us about all the visitors they had and how she got really sick of making cups of tea while everyone else was holding her baby and rightly so! also how very tired she got.She said the best thing to do is arrange a day and time with people and on the day just to ring again to see if your up to it. Having that many people around you at the start will just be to much for you how ever well you get on with them, you want time as much time with your baby on your own as you need. Hope everything works out ok for you x

 

[littlebump]

Hi Pink Lady

We're in the same boat - his family planning to come over from Ireland around the time of the birth- I don't want to offend anyone, but I really feel as though hubbie and I will want time on our own when baby is born.

Hubbie is going to have a word with them to sensitively suggest they leave it for a couple of weeks. I'll let you know how he gets on...

Good luck with your family

LBxx

 

[Kerry]

My theory is that you have to be totally ruthless!!

Others may not think you are being nice but tough - this is your baby and you NEED time with him/her to get used to having them around, feeding, waking at night etc. The last thing you need is to feel you have to look after visitors. I would put them all off by a few days - try to have a few days just you, partner and baby.....it's a big thing to get used to and will be easier without a house full of people telling you their way of doing things!!

There will be plenty of time for others to come and visit but those first few days are too precious to share!! Go on, be selfish!!!!

Good luck - take care xx

 

[ashley22]

I feel for you!

But don't in anyway feel selfish for putting them off - they are the ones that are selfish expecting you to deal with a house full of visitors and a newborn!

 

[playmate]

thank god i thought it was just me. see im 16 and my b/f is 21.. weve been together 4 years and now he lives with me and were expecting our first child im overdue and going to be induced on thursday. ive had a lot of problems with MIL..
for my birth i just want me and b/f there i dont want my mum even! just the 2 of us my midwife has told me as long as there is no complications i will be allowed home 6 hrs later, so ive said the whole time im at the hospital can it just be me and my b/f the 6 hrs im in hospital will be for me bab and b/f to rest and bond as a family.. see with me living at home with my parents there obviously gunna be there when i get home so i said to be fair on MIL she can come round for when i get back home so my mum and her can see the baby together! which i thought was pretty reasonable..
but no...she wanted to be there when i gave birth, then it was a case if you dont want me in the room i'll wait outside until you have had it and then i'll immidiatly see it when its born.. then its a case of you wont be allowed home that early (even though it has been written on my notes since day 1 that my midwife has no problem with me being discharged after 6 hrs) then ...shes calling my mum an unfit mother because my mum has agreed to be patient and wait at home and she thinks its unfit that she wont be there to suppport me! even though i made the desicion for no one to be there apart from my b/f .. i dunno maybe i am being selfish but its how i want things to be and it means something to me.. i dont wanna feel pressurised by her.. she trys playing me and my b/f against each other even though i told her no..she asks him and then me and him fall out...
we havent spoke to her for about 2 months cos she gets like this but i suppose on thursady im gunna have to face her cus i carnt shut her away from her grandchild. and im only doing that in favour of my b/f cos i dont want hiom thinking im a complete bitch...

 

[Rosieroo]

I really don't want any fuss for a couple days after the baby is born. The first 2 weeks when DH is off of work are going to be a really important time for us to bond with the baby, and I don't want loads of people in our house hanging around that you can't get rid of!

I found out yesterday that DH's gran (so the baby's great nan), who's hardly close to him and never bothered with us particularly in the past (she moved to Spain last year), is coming over for Xmas on the 16th December and is not booking a return ticket until I've had the baby. Which isn't due until the 29th.

The thought of having all these relatives who never bothered with us in the past, invading my house and wanting to touch my baby makes me feel really helpless and angry. I JUST DON'T WANT THEM ROUND!!

 

[Rosebay]

Hi again,

oh my word! Is there any way you can put a stop to that? It doesn't help that we're all due near Xmas either does it? My little brother (well he's 27 so not so little!), who I love to bits mind, said to me the other day "as soon as you have it I'll be up the motorway to come and see you" which was lovely but means staying with us right at the beginning. I just don't think he thought about it though- my Mum is my birth partner but she says that she and my Dad will leave us to it as soon as it's here so we have time to ourselves. All of my DH's family live withing 10 mins walk though and they're driving me up the wall already- God knows what they'll be like afterwards!!! I don't want to be too rude though as I'll want them to help with baby sitting etc! I just said to my brother that could he leave it a few days until we're settled- it's tricky though isn't it? I really want to spend Xmas day just the three of us in our own house with no fuss- not sure it's possible though!

+++

 

[Rosieroo]

I think I am going to disconnect the doorbell, put a sign up saying 'visiting hours 2-4pm' and put the phone on silent with a similar message

I'm feel feral at the moment. Was feeling really poorly yesterday from this infection etc and tired from going to the hospital in the morning. It was DH's birthday, but instead of his mum and dad popping over for 30 mins, they stayed for 3 hours. Sat on their asses expecting us to make them cups of tea etc, and they knew that I wasn't well. We've still got to go up there next week for DH's birthday BBQ (no escaping that! ) so it's not like they wont be seeing him. I was in pain and lying on the sofa and they just didn't get the hint. Gawd they annoy me!

 

[Loupy Aussie]

Hi there,

I know exactly where you are coming from as now we won't be moving over to England in March (not sure when now), my mother in law is the same and as much as I adore her, as a first time mum I think its really important to feel comfortable with the day to day things of looking after your new baby before you have someone looking over your shoulder and trying to be helpful. My hubby seems happy enough to be the guard on the door for my family but I do doubt he would be the same for his - although mine are here and his would be coming over from England! I think you need a at least a week if not two - thats what I am aiming for! My own mum wanted me to have my 12 year old niece to stay 2 days after my due date and thought I was being a bit mean when I quite firmly said no way! But mainly I know that no matter how nice they would be about it, it would stress me out and I figure I will have enough on my plate between losing the happy pregnancy hormones, the lack of sleep and trying to adjust to everything associated with having a baby in the house. Just be firm but kind and suggest dates slightly more in the future.

 

[-Cat-]

I think when it comes to visitors you need to be forcefull and work as a team. Work out with your partner before the baby is born on what the two of you want to do, but make it fair, if you don't want his family decending on you straight away, its only fair that you hold off on your family too. If you explain to him that you want to time to recover from the birth and time for the three of you to bond together as a family before you have visitors. OH and I have agreed that we are not having any of our family to visit us for at least a couple of days, and even when we do, visits will be brief and when we say. I know my mum will be wanting to rush to the delivery ward and wait for the baby to arrive before runnng in immediatly but its just not going to happen, and if she dosent like it tough! In fact we wont even tell anyone Im in labour, we will just let them know when the baby is born, so they cant come in and try to see us.
and family should be running around you not the other way round, you can dictate when people visit you, can don't be afraid to cancel these visits if you have for example had a really rough night and havent had much sleep. if family want to visit its there responsibility to make there own travel and occomodation arrangements, to expect to stay with you is rediculous in my opinion.

Take as long as you want before having visitors, dont feel obligated to keeping everyone else happy!

 

[Rosieroo]

In fact we wont even tell anyone Im in labour, we will just let them know when the baby is born, so they cant come in and try to see us.

We've decided to do this aswell, though I think it will be hard to hide as my mum is literally round the corner, the road behind ours...and I think his mum will be ringing every day to see if there's any news. You can guarantee if she can't get hold of us she'll be ringing my mum. She actually did this early in the pregnancy (around 12 weeks), she rang us and we were out at the cinema. She rang again and left another message as she was worried something was wrong. We didn't get back until gone 11 so didn't call her back as it was really late. The next morning DH left for work really early and I was zonked out in bed. The phone went 3 times, in the end I stomped out of bed to answer it and it was my sister. My Mil had called their house because she couldn't get us and woken them all up. She's a nightmare!

 

[-Cat-]

Its worth speaking to your hospital on what there policy is on the matter, a lot are very helpfull in keeping unwanted family away. I know mine will not alow anyone in unless I say so, and even if family think that I might be in labour and phone the hospital,they will not even let them know if I have been admitted! they are great, no one is allowed on the ward without my say so!

 

[futuremum]

Hi there!!!

As I am french, my family would like to come over as soon as the baby is born. But then, tickets have to be booked in advance and if they come too soon, they might miss the baby as my mum wanted to be here before the birth to help me.
i love my parents to bits but i want at least the first 2/3 weeks on my own with the baby so i can get used to the new rythm and baby can settle more in his new environment. My b/f's mum will pick us up from hospital and will stay with us the first few days to help but that is it really.
then I thought, what if i need an emergency c-section? I have to travel down all the way from leicestershire to london to pick my parents up because they have never been to england and they only want to come by bus. during the week, what is my dad going to do? none of my family speaks english, my b/f does not speak a word of french, my dad could not watch tv, listen to the radio, go out because of the language barrier, he is going to be so bored and if baby is crying all the time, he will get cross easily!!!! In France we have proper meals at lunchtime too and with my dad, everything is regulated: lunch at 12, supper at 8pm and if it is late, he is not happy!!! they are from the old generation where the woman does everything while he is watching tele!!!

I feel so nervous about them coming and a full week!!! Moreover, my b/f hates seeing people so he will feel so uncomfortable!!!! Poor him!!! It was hard to convince them not to come for 2 weeks because they said they wanted to make the amount of money they paid in to come here worth it but it is going to be such a stress!!!! So I told them once the baby was born i will let them know and then they can book their tickets so if i have a c-section, we can put it up to later on in the year!!!!
My sister wants to come too but not to see the baby, to go shopping and clubbing which i said was a NO NO!!!!!
Oh! Do not want to worry now, I have to buy all the baby's stuff first so that is my principal worry, the second is Am I going to cope with a baby, the third will have to be my parents lol

good luck anyway!!!

 

[-Cat-]

wow futuremum that certainly sounds like a predicament.
Would it be possible for you to do things the other way round? i.e wait untill the bub is a few weeks old then you and your partner go over to visit them in france? that way you can spend as much or as little time with them as you like, it will be a nice break for your family, plus you wont have a preblem with the languae barrier as you speak french.

 

[futuremum]

that would be great except my partner would not go at all. He has agoraphobia and panicks as soon as he is out of the house!!!! And he will not leave me going with the baby on my own!!! But otherwise that would have been a much better solution!!!