Visitors once baby is here...

[Chazabell]

Hey ladies, I seem to be getting anxious about visitors once baby is here. Mainly hubby's family (it's massive) I'm from a tiny family who don't make much fuss which I like.

I've already told brothers & sisters no visitors in hospital other than grandmothers. To which I got a response of "it's a bit selfish. And no offence but we aren't coming to see you we'd be come to see baby!" From my SIL. So that made my mind up firmly!!!! I'm not a circus freak show to come and look at and I'm not ill. So why waste money on bus fare when you can walk around the corner when we get home?!?! That and I don't want to be in hospital, I want to be home as soon as possible!!!

It's family we don't see that's bothering me. They are really awkward to talk to when we do see them asking stupid questions. All over us on Facebook. And now sat they can't wait to meet baby. Why? You haven't bothered with us, so why do they think it's acceptable to come and jump on us when baby is here?

Am I being irrational? My family live 90 miles away and we are litterally 15 people strong and very close but don't smother xxx

 

[roxyroo]

No your not being irrational hun my situation was very similar when I had my daughter. My husbands family is massive and in each other's pockets , they would have been in the bloody room when I had her if they had their way! My family is small and don't fuss but in the end after many rows I stood my ground and basically said no visitors at the birthing unit and visitors at home a few at a time when I say I'm ready! Giving birth is a huge thing and you and your husband need time to adjust and take it all in together without everyone and their dog getting involved x

 

[Nonabean]

You need to be firm about what you want. Xxx

 

[Elliott]

Although maybe a slightly different situation I have similar anxieties about in laws. We have no family nearby, OH's about 3 hrs away and my sister is similar and my dad is about 7hrs away. So the positive here sort of is they can't really do a surprise visit, the negative is that they may want to stay over, it isn't going to be a quick cuppa and go. Similar to you in laws have never really bothered with us and we aren't close at all rally, visit them at Christmas and that's about it. Now however they are wanting in and it upset me even when they said to me "take care of our little one" gesturing to my bump as I don't really see il this as being much to do with them. Sounds cruel I know, and they have good intentions but I find it a not much.

My dad is amazing and he visit as and when as he will never critises or make me feel bad.

With in laws we are going to try and keep people happy but have already said to OH that is like to have a weeks grace after coming home to just get my self a little settled. I'm hoping his family will understand this but I can see it may cause a little upset but my husband agrees that we have to do what we are happy and comfortable with.

It's a tricky situation, people get very excited about babies and I'm easily over whelmed as have a small close but not interfering family. People generally mean well, I hope all your family do, keeping that in mind may help but do what makes you comfortable. Xxx

 

[Toni.C]

I am in a very similar situation as you. My boy is now 4 days old and we've had visitors since I got home after having a c sec. My OHs family can be too much and we're visiting them tomorrow so we can go when we've had enough. You have to be firm or you'll run yourself into the ground. Today I am physically and emotionally exhausted, and I know I will be tomorrow but it's my own fault for not putting my foot down which I will be now because my baby is not a game of pass the parcel

I don't think you are being irrational at all, think of yourself and baby x

 

[Rooster30]

Stand your ground, say what you need to say.

I have no problems with hospital visitors since I truly truely HATE being on a ward and would welcome distraction via visitors. I am worried about visitors once I get home... well, the in-laws anyway, as they live a fair distance away so would probably stay over. My MIL already disapproves of my lack-of hosting skills, so she's going to hate me when(if) they visit after I have the baby! Still, I'd rather them see the baby than not (though they've expressed no interest in this child, sadly).

 

[Sarah90]

I have exactly the same. My family is small ish, OH family is huge, his mum is 1 of 10 let alone all their children/grandchildren! I put my foot down with him and have said no visitors in hospital. I want to keep it fair. His parents live over an hour away, if they come down they will expect to stay. With that in mind I would feel guilty if I invited my parents to the hospital. So have said the first couple of days we are going to have to ourselves, then invite my parents over one evening as they will be working, and his can come down the next day as they are retired - but not to stay over!! We have a very small maisonette, and I am no way having an air bed blown up in the living room for guests a couple of days after giving birth. I may sound unreasonable to some but I just want to relax. This is one of the most amazing things that could happen, so I want to make the most of it. Plus OH agrees with everything anyway and he only gets the 2 weeks off with me. You are right though, so many people that you don't see yet suddenly when they know your pregnant and close to due date they are all over you like a rash!!! Xx

 

[littlemonkey]

I honestly had people who hadn't spoken to me in two years suddenly wanting to come and see me once I had my first. So called family members! It's amazing how everyone crawls out the woodwork when you have a baby. Yet when I had PND and was struggling to cope, where was everyone then?!

I've already decided no visitors in hospital. It was too much after my first section and I'm having another one so just want to spend the time in hospital resting. Mil has already expressed her disappointment at this where as my mum was fine when I told her.

 

[El1en]

I seem to have the opposite problem to most... My inlaws are fab and I know they will give us loads of space if we want it. My mum on the other hand, is quite overbearing and I worry that she is going to find it very hard to "take turns" and will try her best to just turn up, everyday. im hoping to stay in hospital for a night or two (depending what time Lo is born) and will arrange times for parents and siblings to come. A couple of my best friends will also want to visit in hospital so I will have a few to fit in.
Once I get home again I will try to schedule people in. Oh has a massive family who are all really close and I'm happy to see them all over a couple of weeks. I'm not remotely close to my aunties / uncles bar a few and those who I am not close to will not be allowed to come over. I figure I will continue to see them and say hi in town or when I visit my nana and this doesn't need to change just because I have a baby. A couple have tried to be a bit nicer to me since finding out I'm pregnant but after not speaking to me for years in not interested.

Everyone's different and you have to do what's right for you

 

[Chazabell]

My MIL is not my fan! She disagrees with everything I sat & do. Hated that her brothers weren't invited to our wedding....which we paid for, and hubby hasn't seen these brothers in over 10 years. She thinks I'm being stupid by saying I don't want my child bringing up on a diet of sugar and unnecessary fats. I intend to cook his meals and provide healthy snacks and slowly introduce sugary snacks once he's older if I even need too....apparently I'm setting g him up for being bullied. Already put my foot down saying baby isn't visiting her house because she's a chain smoker indoors and I can't hack it so I'm not putting my baby through that. So now she's sulking saying "fine, I'll just visit at home" even tho we have said mothers are allowed. Why do they not realise it's not all about her??

Hubby will be back at work quite soon but on short days as he works for himself and shock....family won't help. And I know they are going to turn up when he's at work!

A midwife suggested "visiting hours" so I know I can expect someone around 2pm but they must be gone by 4pm. Has anyone done this or herd of it?

The thought of everyone smothering us for a few days then being none existent annoys me! xxx

 

[Nonabean]

Visiting hours is a good idea. It means you can choose when, and how long people are there for xx

 

[CDx]

My MIL asked what hospital I was going to so she could tell a friend who would like to visit once baby is born - she was quickly told that this would not be happening it is immediate family only and why would she even consider her friend would be welcome considering I barely know them.
Her partner then asked what hospital I was going to be in a few months later and where was it so he knew when he was driving - they live 3 hours away - I've told my OH he needs to have a word because he will not be one of the first people visiting. They have only been together a few years and there is no way he is meeting this baby before OHs dad. His dad would never dream of saying anything or causing a scene but I know he would be hurt and quite rightly so.

In our relationship I'm the one with the big crazy family and know it will be chaos once baby is here but I've said immediate family only at the hospital and hope they all respect that. Once we are home we will need to arrange visiting times because we just don't have the room for loads of visitors and like I said MIL will be coming down from up north and will want to spend all the time she can with baby (she wanted us to get a sofa bed which is not happening she will need to find somewhere else to stay). I also want to have some quality time just the 3 of us in the first few days so hoping people understand and respect that.

 

[Cakey]

Definitely put your foot down and make it clear that it's you going through the labour therefore you should have the say on who sees you and when!
My parents live 2 hours away from us whereas my in laws are only 20 minutes away. I said that if I couldn't have my mum at the hospital with me then I wouldn't want anyone. That didn't go down very well but I feel it should definitely be my choice. I know that I'm going to feel tired and rough after giving birth and I struggle coping with big social situations at the best of times, so it would be a very bad combination for me. I've said I don't mind visitors at the house but only when we say it's okay. I feel like this makes me sound like a massive bitch now lol, but my OH said he only wants what I want xx

 

[cossie13]

We're only allowing our parents and my sister (OH has no siblings) in hospital. Everyone else can wait til we are at home! My nan is the one I'm worried about. She can be very overbearing and although she means well, she's too much! She was so sure that she'd be there while I'm in labour and for the birth until I very bluntly told her "No" and she didn't speak to me for 3 weeks!!

At the end of the day, it's your body that's recovering and it's your baby. You have every right to say to people "No I don't want you there" or "Yes please come see us!" - It will be completely up to you at the end of the day. We have even told our parents that depending how labour and birth goes, we may decide to say no visitors until we are all home! Luckily our parents have been very understanding

 

[Olive]

My Inlaws can drive me slightly insane, even when they mean well, so I feel your pain.

They don't call much at all, so we don't need tend to speak to them unless we call, but when baby is here they'll be all over us. We're also going away for a week with them end of June which I am dreading because my mil drinks and will want to go off with my kids on her own as much as she can. I'm over protective of my DS as he has additional support needs and I'll be the same with DD as she'll be so little. Argh!

Anyway, my plan if they ever just turn up unannounced is to say I'm really sorry but I'm literally going out in 5 minutes. Pack a bag and go out. I'll just go for a drive and come home lol. But im hoping it'll be enough to for them them to realise they can't just turn up and I might have plans.

X

 

[Sarah90]

I think visiting hours is a great idea, I never even thought of that. I kind of just thought well I will invite X round one day, Y round the next... At least that way you may not be so overwhelmed with friends/relatives coming round and staying for hours xx

 

[Rubydoo]

Tell people that only the father is allowed onto the ward in the hospital, you may find you're out in a few hours anyway so there wont be time.

Re home visitors I'd give people time slots, just say My parents are coming on (ie) Wednesday so you're welcome on Thursday, you could also make up a few pretend trips out, for instance you have got to pop to Mothercare on such and such a day and can't give a time as it all depends on the baby. If they're local you need to keep your curtains shut!

Or if you don't want them at your house at all arrange an afternoon when the baby is a few days old and get your husband to take them to his parents house and all any other relatives can visit there if they like, it'll also give you chance to catch up on any sleep or housework.

 

[SpinSugar]

Top tip. When people visit you - do not get dressed and ready. Stay in your PJ'S. Stay comfortable snuggling and feeding your baby. People visiting will quickly realise that you have a newborn and you are not a bloody tourist attraction! (If that makes sense)
If you are in your PJ'S ppl will make YOU tea. Offer to tidy or do the washing up.
Our rule this time is you can only visit if you bring us food haha. And people do - bring cooked meals snacks etc.
Don't put yourself out for visitors. It's YOUR time as parents to bond with the baby.
Or do what I did. I was a very un confident feeder so hid away in the bedroom to feed when we had people over I wasn't keen on! X

 

[Chazabell]

I've said that about visiting only if you bring food ha ha.....see what happens. Hubby thinks I'm being daf, but his family are so blinking awkward it's unreal and I can't do anything without his mum judging me, and then she think I judge everything she says or does. And she buys a pair of baby socks and wants a big song and dance as a thank you!! Give me strength!!!! xxx

 

[CARNAT22]

We had this issue. OH is one of 6 siblings and his mum (and sil) work at the hospital I had the baby's in.

I think you need to leave hubby to manage this as it's his family but he needs to be firm. I'd go with the "no visitors at hospital as we're hoping not to be in long" line. If for some reason you do end up staying in then hubby must make sure any visitors are managed. People tend not to stay long when you are in hospital anyway.

I am glad I had James at 1am as we had a load of visitors (I have 3 siblings myself so my family isn't small) and I treasured that time alone. We did ask people to stay away but my mum and dad, sis and one brother plus oh's folks and 2 of his brother's visited - my mum and dad came together but other than that it was all separate visits. They are our nearest and dearest though and I was happy they were so excited to meet baby.

I made sure when we went home that all visitors text first and didn't just turn up and I asked friends / more distant relatives to give me a few weeks. No-one minded or was offended.

We did the same with Bee although I had no time for visitors in hospital as we were out within 6 hours.

Of course everyone is excited and dying to see baby but having lots of visitors when you are trying to establish bf'ing is counter productive. ... we have lots of male relatives and every time one of them turned up at hospital I was taking James off boob which was a stupid thing to do.

When you get home most visitors wont stay long / be too demanding but if it gets too much then be honest and say so. Make sure guests make their own tea as well (and that they make you a cuppa as well ha)

It does all come together and you will get plenty of bonding /alone time. The trick is to put boundaries in place beforehand and stick to them...

X