Victim of abuse and regretting pregnancy

Discussion in 'Pregnancy Chat' started by LennaG, Aug 31, 2016.

  1. LennaG

    LennaG Member

    Aug 9, 2016
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    Im So so is my story..the real story..

    So I started dating my ex the beginning of February of this year. We had only known each other a few days before we slept together and then he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was desperate for love and someone to want me, as I had always been the girl who was always getting rejected and never pretty enough, so when he asked me, I didn't even hesitate. Anyways, a week after we started dating, which was valentines day, he came down to visit and brought his friend. He had asked me prior to visiting if I have ever had a threesome, I said no and that it really isn't my thing and makes me uncomfortable. He was all sad and asking me why and stuff. Then he told me his friend was coming down for the weekend with him and that I should do a threesome with him and his friend. I said something like "Maybe" and "I guess if it makes you happy". Although, that was something I never wanted to do. SO fast forward to that weekend and we were at his brother's party and I've been drinking and my boyfriend tells me to go in the room and sleep with his friend and that it would make him happy. So, being slightly intoxicated and wanting to make him happy, I went into the room and his friend came in and you know what happened next. I did give consent, but I was uncomfortable the whole time.

    Fast forward a month and a half later...same thing we were at a party and my boyfriend wanted me to give his friend "A good time" because he couldn't get laid by any of the girls there. So..we went to my car, both my boyfriend and his friend, and..yeah. This was on April 1st or 2nd or 3rd...honeslty don't remember because I had been drinking. Around his time I had been feeling emotional, as if my period was going to start. So I decided on April 7th to take a pregnancy test just for the heck of it. I took clear blue and first response, they were both positive (Faint line on first response and then digital clear blue read POSITIVE) The next day April 8th, I went to a free pregnancy clinic where they took a urine sample and did a dip test..the kind that change color if positive. They told me it BARELY turned blue, but that it was still positive, meaning I was very early, but pregnant. They scheduled me for a U/S to check viability on May 3rd, where they saw the fetus and heartbeat and estimated me around 7weeks2days, putting my due date Dec 18th. A month later on June 8th, I went to a doctor where they performed a dating scan, putting me at 13+1 and a due date of Dec 13th.

    Im trying to figure out who the father is, although nothing is certain without DNA testing. My ex and I broke up shortly after I told him I was pregnant, as he was being threatening saying if I left him he would come after me in court and take the baby for himself, saying I was unfit to be a mother. Thats why Im trying to see if any of what happened between me, him, and his friend could be considered rape. I don't want either of them near my child given the circumstances. I know the chances are slim that it would be considered rape, because there are texts of me saying that I'd do it. I just would like some opinions on how to move forward with this. Also, I don't really have contact with my ex anymore and I don't even barely know his friend…

    I finally had the courage to tell my mom about all this. She was understanding and has been supportive and telling me "It's not my fault", however I feel like it really is. I let this happen, I chose this guy to be my boyfriend. She told me they both took advantage of me and the fact that I just wanted to make my ex happy. Also, I do have a mild form of autism called asbergers, which has always made it hard for me to understand communication and relationships...also being socially awkward. She told me they basically raped me based on the circumstances, however there isn't any proof. Basically, it would be my word against theirs. There are text messages of me agreeing to do this, saying "Yeah I guess Ill do it if thats what really makes you happy." Also, my ex would make me "sext" him and basically pushing me to talk dirty and tell him things I wanted him to do. This made me super uncomfortable, but again, I did it to make him happy. At one point he kept pushing and pushing for me to tell him more and more of what I wanted him to do to me and I had said at one point to "rape" me. Not that I actually meant it at all, but he kept pushing me and I was just trying to tell him what he wanted to hear.

    Basically, I don't really have a case and if I did try and press charges, and those text messages came up..I wouldn't have a case and it would just be embarrassment for me. Not to mention the fact that both guys would most likely lie under oath anyways. My ex also claims that I "cheated" on him, and thats the story he would go with.

    This whole thing is a mess and I really hate myself for letting this all happen. I don't want to press charges, because I honestly do not want to face them again and I don't think any of the charges will stick. Also, having autism, I am very shy and I can't stand up in court infront of a much of people and tell them what happened. Hell, It was hard enough telling my mom.

    And if this wasn't enough to depress me through my whole pregnancy, I still am not 100% sure who the father is. My ex's friend was black, so if it turns out to be his, I will know at birth. However, again having autism, I do NOT like surprises. I don't think I would be able to cope. I can't do DNA testing before the baby is born, because Im already 25 weeks. Also, both guys don't live anywhere near me so contacting and tracking them down would be hard, also they probably wouldn't even do it. Plus I would have to pay for the testing, and Im already paying for all my medical bills alone and don't even have enough money for those.

    This is all a mess and I wish this never happened to me. I just want it to be over.

    Im not even happy with this pregnancy anymore, as I can't be sure who the father is. If it turns out to be his friends, I will probably give her up for adoption because I don't think I could handle the baby being a different color and having to explain everything that happened to my family and friends. I will be looked down upon and probably my daughter too.

    In the beginning I didn't even think the baby could be anyone but my ex's, but now Im doubting myself. I won't know until she is born who the baby belongs to. I hate not knowing and will likely be anxious and unhappy for the rest of my pregnancy. I can't be happy about this. I just can't. I don't feel like I deserve to be happy after what happened and I LET it happen. If I would of known this was all going to come crashing down and I would be so unhappy and regret all of this, I would of most likely terminated early on when I first found out I was pregnant, before I saw her little heartbeat. But it's too late now as I am 25 weeks pregnant. Now she's depending on me to survive, I feel her little kicks and I just feel so sad, when Im supposed to be feeling happy. This is supposed to be a happy time, but its really been the worst time of my life. Its not fair to her.

    I do not have suicidal thoughts, although maybe being dead would be better, but I can't do that. I have my first baby (My little doggy) who needs me and depends on me. I have a baby inside me that is depending on me to survive. I have my family who loves me very much and a mom who has been supportive. I can't end my life just because I feel so horrible, that is too selfish. Especially since this is all my fault.
  2. secret

    secret Well-Known Member

    Jun 6, 2016
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    Hun, first of all none of this is your fault. He sounds like he was a very manipulative person.

    You really need to talk to a professional about how you are feeling. It is great that your mum is being very supportive as you will need help around you. I would speak to your midwife or GP as soon as possible so that they can put additional support in place for you.
  3. Laura1992

    Laura1992 Well-Known Member

    Feb 18, 2014
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    Hi there,

    I just wanted to first give you a virtual hug. Manipulation and low self-esteem (as it sounds like you've had for a while) can make us agree to things that we don't agree with, and it sounds like he prayed on that. I have been in somewhat of a similar situation before, and it's really hard to come to terms with the fact that you went ahead with a situation, even though you didn't feel comfortable with it. I'm glad your mum is supportive.

    It's going to be a tough pregnancy, and if you chose to put your baby up for adoption, that's entirely your choice and you need to do what you think is right for her and you. If you cannot cope, it won't help your baby to keep her. You may find that you feel differently once she is here though, so don't make any rushed decisions about that.

    You mention that you're having to pay for medical bills. I am guessing that this means you are based outside of the UK? I ask this because I think it's important that you seek help from a counsellor to talk through what has happened and help yourself come to terms with your situation. I wonder whether you can go to your GP about this, and if you aren't in the UK, you should be able to find a support group locally if a counsellor isn't an option financially.

    Best of luck with the rest of the pregnancy, stay strong and most importantly, I think you need to get help for yourself because it's a tough, tough time for you xx
    #3 Laura1992, Aug 31, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2016
  4. Pambi

    Pambi Well-Known Member

    Jun 29, 2016
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    Oh love, this really isn't your fault. I don't think you have a case for rape in the legal sense but you could discuss this with a rape counsellor and see what your options are because what has happened is like it.

    You sound so caring and smart, you just need to do what is best for you both. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly.
  5. DarcyHodge

    DarcyHodge Well-Known Member

    May 29, 2016
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    Hi lennag I noticed you wrote mom so I'm just presuming you are in usa, I'm not sure how things legally work over there but In the uk you would tell your Gp or mw and they will get intouch with social care to give you advice on what to do and how to help you after the baby is here whether you wish to keep her or give her up for adoption.
    I'm sorry you have had to go through this, I don't think you have a case for a rape charge as you said you consented, however they have definitely manipulated you and almost pressured you into having sex that you felt uncomfortable with.
    There is plenty of support on this forum I'm sure you can pm any of us if you just want to chat. X
    #5 DarcyHodge, Aug 31, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2016
  6. entre

    entre Well-Known Member

    Dec 30, 2015
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    I think...

    YOu need to talk with the police and get their opinion before assuming a case would or wouldnt be made.
    My brother has apergers, I understand you may have done these things without the full consideration on the consequences at the time. But its ok.
    WHen your child is born, nothing will matter apart from that child.
    You can do it alone and sounds like you have your mum for help too.
    You wont regret it after child born.
    Contact a specialist GP/Midwife etc as soon as possible.
    It will be ok.
  7. tinselcat

    tinselcat Well-Known Member

    Jan 18, 2011
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    Hi Lenna

    My heart goes out to you. I've also experienced a number of abusive relationships and rape and, while I cannot understand your exact situation as only you can know what that feels like, I feel I have some empathy towards where your mind is at.

    I don't want to give advice as I don't feel best placed to, but I went on a course for women who have suffered domestic abuse/violence (called the Freedom Programme) and found it very helpful for a whole number of reasons. It was run by a womens' charity so it was free (financially) for me to attend.

    The reason why I highlight this is because I feel you are blaming yourself unfairly and this type of course or counselling could possibly help you see things from a different perspective, and help get rid of some of the self-hate you seem to be experiencing.

    I don't know if you are in the UK but I do think telling your midwife what has happened and seeing what support services she can help you with would be very beneficial. You are going through an absolute torrid time and whatever happens, it will change your life forever, so if you can, I would get all the support you are able to.

    You sound like a courageous woman (though you may not realise this at this point) and I wish you all the best. And your mum - she sounds brilliant.

  8. Cathrine

    Cathrine Well-Known Member

    Jul 8, 2016
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    Not any of this can ever be your fault - you did chose him as a boyfriend, but he clearly took advantage of both your syndrome and intoxication! What a manipulative shit!!
    Just making it this far in pregnancy and cutting ties with these types of people just comes to show that you got it, girl!!

    As some of the other people here mentions - a therapist is definetly a great idea before baby girl arrives - you shouldn't make life changing decisions like adoption completely on your own. Remember that there's a lot of options for you to get free help (therapist and postpartum) in your situation - if you indeed live in the US.

    I live in Vegas, and if love to help you out the best way I can! Feel free to message me, if you need a shoulder <3

    You're strong and you never deserved to be treated like that!!
  9. Kitten1991

    Kitten1991 Well-Known Member

    Sep 24, 2015
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    Hi Darling,

    I am so so sorry to hear about what has happened to you!

    From what you have said it would seem that you merely consented to these acts to keep your friend happy. In some respects he could be pushed for more than just mental manipulation & Rape. IF you are intoxicated and someone tells you to do something and it happens and you aren't comfortable that its countable as such.

    There should be if you are in the UK a Mental Heatlh specialist for the purposes of looking after pregnant ladies, if you can speak to your midwife they should be able to refer you to them and get you some help to deal with what has gone one.

    As difficult as it is speak to your family! They will support you! My brother is Autistic and is very socially awkward and doesn't like to do things if he doesn't want too so i really can relate.



    If you need me message me and i will try my best to help xx

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