using kids as a weapon-

[Jamie.d]

My ex partner and I have been apart for almost 3 years.
I thought things were slowly getting better? I've literally handed him life on a plate to try and minimalise the drama but nothing works..

When we originally split I offered him to see the kids but he said he didn't have anywhere to take them so I said he could have my house twice a week to see the kids (said I''d stay at my mums so he didn't have to see me)
He refused and threw himself a pity party saying he needed the benefits or his life would fall apart... his mum pretended to be my best friend so I agreed to hand over benefits to him and support myself because I wanted my children to have an equal relationship with us both..how WRONG was I?! It gave him rights I had no idea aobut PURELY because he's the one getting handouts from the council and I'm working my arse off!

Since then he refused contact whenever I did something he didn't like!
I had to take up dancing in a gentleman's club to make up the shortfall and that got me pegged as an abusive slut who didn't deserve her kids!

I've always tried to remain neutral and not to kick up a fuss but it's impacting my kids now and I don't know what else to do...
We now between us do shared care as have so far managed to avoid the court.
This was all settling until my partner and I announced my pregnancy and he's back to being petty and ridiculous! He has a serious girlfriend who the kids love which is great! so why is he still hounding me?
My son has been signed up for football practice on sunday mornings (the day I pick them up)
so he has suddenly started deciding to bring them a little later so he misses it I'm gutted for my poor boy as we'd just bought him a little kit and boots and he's so so upset..

My daughter is interested in Karate and I have tried to sign her up for a class...he's done everything he can to stop this happening and tried to tell her he can take her to ballet instead (She's not a ballet kind of girl!) and also upsetting her because she's so desperate to go..

I just need ANY advice as technically in the eyes of the law he is not doing a thing wrong and he knows it, but I can't bear to see my babies suffer, it's stirring emotions in me that I never even knew existed!

 

[tinselcat]

He's being abusive to your children, so it's not surprising that you are upset too.

I've been through the courts and it's not fun, and can be very expensive if you use any legal team.

Try looking up Rights of Women - they can give you free advice over the phone. http://rightsofwomen.org.uk/

 

[Jamie.d]

thank you very much,

At this point I feel like I've got nothing left in me to fight him...everyone just says 'why let him get away with it all' but what choice do I have? If I stand up for myself it feeds the fire and if I don't he thinks he's got full control over me still.

I feel like I let my kids down for so readily handing the finances over to him I feel terrible that I chose such an abusive man as their father, all I want to do is love my babies and for them to love us both but it will never happen
He's now on about moving to swindon to be with his new partner which is 2.5 hours away so I'm currently trying to scrape money just in case I need to go to court.. I've been in touch with a solicitor who thinks it would be difficult for him as they're so settled but not impossible, terrified isn't the word.

 

[Rosie2]

Hi Jamie, I’m so sorry to hear about the problems you’ve been having. I know this post is a few months old, but felt I needed to reply as a topic that’s really close to my heart. I was the child of a parent doing this stuff - but it was my mother being awful - and it breaks my heart to hear people still do this sort of stuff. I spent most of my childhood being dragged in and out of court as my parents argued, so I’ve picked up on a few things! (These are given from my personal experience and is not professional legal advice)

I think you do have options - there’s a children’s service called CAFCASS who you could ask to be involved. They basically represent the best interests of your children, not either side, and they talk to the children and see what they want. A representative can speak to them individually to try and see what they think of the situation and figure out if they’re mature enough to really make an informed decision about the contact they want with their father. They can also provide a ‘neutral space’ for your children to see their father if they wish. You don’t pay for their services, they will get involved if a court asks them to. You may be able to speak to them and ask if they can intervene as they will be able to provide a report as a neutral third party who will recommend to a court what the best way forward is for the children. For example, if the children say their father is upsetting them then they’ll suggest limited contact. However, you may have to go to court to ask for the judge to order this.

There’s more of a push now towards avoiding court by going through mediation first. This only involves the parents, but it’s worth trying because if it breaks down and it’s not your fault it’ll work in your favour. If this breaks down, they will go to court.

I know it’s not ideal having to pull the money together for a solicitor, but just to let you know that you can represent yourself in court if you have to. It’s far from ideal, but in family court the judges tend to be much more friendly and will give you pointers if you’re representing yourself. Keep the judge on side and you’ll be ok.

The other thing you need to try and do is keep a really detailed record of absolutely everything you can - all interactions, all letters, money which has exchanged hands, etc - and keep this ready for court. I know it’s very time consuming but it’ll save you a lot of time later down the line if you can start putting this together now. You’re going to need to show a consistent pattern of behaviour and the impact it’s having on your children. Also record exactly how many days each of you are having with your children - whoever has more time is likely to have an advantage.

Again, I know this is an old post and I hope this isn’t needed and it’s all been resolved. But if it hasn’t for whatever reason, I hope some of this gives you some options ☺️