Unplanned Pregnancy, feel so sad and confused at what to do!

[rac1234]

Hello all,

I am 24 and have fallen pregnant on the pill, my partner does not want kids end of, and although he says he will support me if I decide to continue the pregnancy, it is not the life he wants, and he thinks he would have to break up so he can have some freedom. I am really not sure what to do, I don't feel particularly ready in my life right now for a baby, as I have not started my career yet. But I have also had two terminations in the past, and I don't know if I can mentally and physically go through with another. Can I bring a child into the world that isn't wanted by one of the parents, and can I make his life unhappy? I am also very scared of being alone and a single mother, I just really don't know what to do.

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you

R xx

 

[Theosmama]

This is a really tricky one, because although I don’t like to judge and will always be as empathetic as I can, it’s diffficult because you’ve said you’ve had 2 terminations previously, and are now contemplating a third. Without sounding nasty, but didn’t you learn the other two times? Is the contraception failing or were you just not being careful? As you can probably guess, this forum is made up by predominantly women who are trying to conceive and want nothing more than to fall pregnant and have had months, and sometimes years of failed cycles. So please bare that in mind when coming on these forums.

That aside, the choice to bring a baby into the world is entirely up to you. A man will not effect your ability of being a mother, that is down to you and you will be absolutely fine on your own, albeit it’s not easy, but I’ve done it myself and you will get through it.

Your partner may feel different if you decide to keep the baby. It may make him think differently about his life and want he wants, so you never know. If you WANT to keep this baby, please don’t let his opinion or decisions or the fear of being alone stop you having this baby and being a good mum, just in order to make him happy, because it’ll only make you resentful in the future. Hope you can get sorted xx

 

[rac1234]

Thank you so much for your reply, it really means a lot. I have always used contraception, I am on the mini pill which I think does have a lower rate of success as you have a shorter window to take it. As I have already fallen pregnant twice I am very good with taking the pill and use extra protection if I miss the 3 hour window, but I guess like all contraception it doesn’t have a 100% success rate. I have tried the coil and the implant too, but both caused constant heavy periods, and I can’t go on the combined pill as I suffer from migraines so I felt continuing with the mini pill was the best option. I’m quite shocked myself how it has failed twice but here we are. That being said I’m very much pro choice, and believe a woman may do what she likes with her body so I hold no judgement to those who choose to have a termination, it’s a very hard choice to make and I doubt anyone does it without difficulty.

Sorry if I caused any offence, I saw these forums also discussed unplanned pregnancies and offered advice in those instances too so I thought it may be of help.

Thank you very much for your help, I think yes ultimately it is my decision, it’s just a very hard one to make as I can’t see the future, but it’s heartening to know that so many strong women do it. I was also brought up by a single mum and had a loving and happy childhood, I guess it’s still just a scary thought.

Thank you so much again and congratulations on your baby xx

 

[night owl]

Sorry about the position you’re currently in it must be an extremely difficult decision to make, but only you can make that decision and you have to think about what’s best for you not anybody else, if you feel deep down you do not want a baby then don’t continue, if you do feel like you could cope, be happy, and give the baby the life they deserve then go ahead with it

On another note its extremely unusual for the mini pill to fail and allow a pregnancy 3 times if taken correctly and within the window of time you get with it, you would be extremely unlucky for it to fail 3 times and just so happen to fail when you are ovulating, I don’t know any other woman who keeps getting pregnant on the pill, maybe it’s time to have a chat with a doctor about why it doesn’t seem to work for you and look at something different, I know you’ve said other things have caused heavy periods but maybe you might just have to put up with heavy periods so you don’t have to keep having terminations, unfortunately us women seem to have all the responsibility when it comes to contraception and sometimes we just have to accept there are some crappy side effects to it

Good luck with whatever you choose to do I hope whatever decision you make you can be happy with it xx

 

[WinterWolf]

Sorry you’re in this situation. If you’ve gotten pregnant twice already on the mini pill you should ALWAYS be using condoms because it obviously isn’t very effective for you. Your partner sounds like he’s being a real a-hole if I’m honest. Making you choose between an unplanned baby and your relationship isn’t fair as he helped get you pregnant!

If you want the baby you can absolutely do it on your own; there are lots of single mothers out there who do well. It’s not an easy life though. Good luck with whatever you decide x

 

[Donna88]

I agree with whats been said before; I also have issues with contraception. Not with it not working but I can't use the pill because it really messes with my hormones and I have ended up depressed on it; this has made me wary of the implant as it's the same hormones. I used to be on the depo injection but which I loved but then when I had to come off it it took over a year for it to come out of my system even after just one shot of it, so my husband and I didn't feel comfortable with me going back on it. So before we started trying for a baby we used a mixture of the pull out method and condoms; now I don't recommend the pull out method as you have to really trust your partner and we were also both very aware that it isn't the most accurate so were prepared for an unplanned pregnancy if it happened. I'm also pro-choice; however as others have said your pill has failed you 3 times now, I'd stop relying on it. Also your partner is being really unfair; both of you got into this situation.

Having said that; at 20 I became a single mother to a 2 month old. His dad was abusive and I made the choice to leave him, my only regret is not leaving him sooner as it turned out to be the right option for me and my son. He has sorted himself out now and does see our son; but it took a lot of time and anger management on his part. Its not an easy option, but having a baby is never "easy". Only you can make that decision in all fairness. There is support out their whichever option you take though so make the most out of what is offered to you, I didn't with my son and there wasn't as much out there but this time around I plan on taking full advantage of all the baby groups and my health visitors.

 

[Sugarpop]

If I were you I would be using condoms and seeing my doctor. The pill isn’t working for you, clearly. Once is probably unlucky, but two and three times is ridiculous. I don’t mean to sound mean, but you seem to give excuses as to why it didn’t work, when having been in this situation before you should be taking the pill like clockwork.

Having said that, in your situation I think you have to be selfish. It took two of you to make the baby but You are the one that is pregnant, it is your life that will be different. Your partner has the ability to walk away if you have the baby but you won’t. So you need to think about you, your future and your baby.

If you decide to have the baby there is so much support out there. You mentioned a career, it may not have started yet but you literally have the next 50 or 60 years to work so I wouldn’t worry about that. I graduate in July and my baby is due in July. All that will happen is that instead of starting work this September, i’ll Start the following September. It’s a 1year wait doof a career that will last 40 or 50years.

 

[rac1234]

Thank you again for all your responses. I appreciate the time you have taken to reply.

In regards to the pill failing, the first time I got pregnant I was switching pills so it was to do with that. But the second two times, I have used the pill correctly, it is not an excuse, it is the truth. If I was irresponsible why would I even be on the pill and inject hormones into my body? Why would I try all possible modes of contraception? The fact is the pill is 99% effective in perfect use, so every 1 in a 100 women who use it, it will fail. And in my case I am one of the unlucky ones. It is unfair to criticise a stranger who has been responsible, a lot of people don't even use contraception, or use the pull out method, I haven't chosen this to happen to me. I take my pill as advised and use an app to monitor my periods, ovulation and sexual activity.

I did not come onto this forum to be judged, or berated, I am a responsible adult and have landed in a difficult and unlucky situation. If someone was to come on here who had an unplanned pregnancy whatever their circumstances I wouldn't expect other women to judge their situation if they were simply looking for advice. I expect every single woman has forgotten to take a pill or not used contraception correctly once in their life. It is not helpful to be judged.

That being said I appreciate all the advice in regards to my original question, it is helpful to see mother's opinions.

 

[Elize]

Thank you for coming here and being brave despite the type of forum it is (focused on healthy moms & babies). I'm pro life myself as less than half of a percentage of babies are in any way a danger to the mother, and the baby has it's own body and little heart beat and I see the right to life as sacred. So I will not be able to advise you to kill your child when it is already on its way (I'm too happy that my mom had me after all).
I understand that you're scared, and it's great the your boyfriend has said he will support you, but even if he didn't that would tell you plenty about his character when the chips are down and you need him. Just know that in any situation people will come out of the woodwork to slam you with expectations and you do not have to conform to them. The second you date someone, everyone asks about marriage, the second you are married, incessant questions about children. When you have one child, people will ask when you are having five more. People will always offer their opinions, but this is your life, and your baby's life, and not theirs. Also, fear often comes from the unknown, from not having an experience to tell you which way is right. All I can suggest is that you do a lot of research so that something emotional like fear of the future is not the determining factor for you.
I still hope for the sake of the child and your own future happiness that you choose to keep him or her, there might be so many amazing moments in your life that they will bring you, you never know without taking the leap of faith. One thing I've learned is that life will never turn out the way you expect it, no matter what you try to control. Good luck and God bless.

 

[MissKW]

I'm sorry that you are in a rough situation, and hope you can come to the right decision for yourself.
I honestly don't think anyone is ever actually ready for a baby, even those of us who try for many years still feel that fear and doubt once it finally happens. It's hard planned or not.
When I first fell pregnant at 23, I was so so scared and worried, I didn't tell anybody other than my now husband and we kept it secret until I sadly lost baby at 12 weeks. That instantly made me want and need a baby, my hubby was the same. We then had difficulty ttc again. Eventually at 25 we fell pregnant again, and although overwhelmed with happiness, that doubt and fear came right back.
Fast forward to DS being born and all I can say is wow. Being a parent is seriously the most amazing thing in the world!! I have never been so happy, privileged, proud, content, and sure of myself. He is the best thing that ever happened to both me and hubby.
Even if your babies dad ends up disappearing, being on your own is still so so worth it.
My DH works away mostly so he's not around, and I manage perfectly well alone. It's not nearly as difficult as I expected it to be but also far more amazing!
Yes, it will be hard financially and you have to adapt to sharing life with a baby, but it's all so worth it and nothing beats it.
I only wanted one baby, but after DS we will be having another.
You CAN do it if its what you want, I can pretty much garuntee you will never regret it